"Don't worry i will be okay, daddy will look after me"
how stupid was i to be so innocent and think he will protect me, look after me and be a dad to me.
the day  i said those words, he took my body away from me
.

To face the storm head on..
Having no choice but to do so
Because life throws pain at you and there is sometimes more often than I should of knew that nobody will come to save me
I learnt It the hard way
Alone and afraid with the storm building up over me

The storm follows me each day
Reminding me of the nightmares i have endured
I pray and pray please take this storm away with little bit of sun or even some rain

The rain is good, at least nobody can see me cry .
Sometimes the storm is my only friend listening to me and my pain
Sometimes it's my enemy never leaving me alone.


The storm is as loud as something I can't say
Echoing in my ear
I have to face it no doubt because I have no other choice.


I hope one day this storm will disappear
And I can finally start living again, breathing again, smiling again.

The list is endless…

You never expect it to happen do you?
or do you just choose to turn a blind eye to something you wish wasn't happening?
to all the people who should have noticed something wasn't right
thank you for ruining my life.

thank you for never thinking twice about why a child might wet the bed till the age of 11
for not releasing how scared she was to be alone with the man
for asking you to sleep with her and telling you clearly she was scared

oh well... it happened now...
because you chose to turn a blind eye..

Behind my smile lie my fears

Behind those laughs I hide my tears

I'm one of those you call fake

And the more I go the more I ache


I have a dark secret I cannot tell

Sometimes it feels like a wizard's spell

I've been told it's not my fault

How could I know it was assault?

How would you expect that from your father?

But dear laiba why wouldn't you know?

He ***** your mum infront of you remember

He showed you videos. 

You **** remember that clearly 

You did what he said.


I still see him everywhere

Why is that? It's so unfair

He took away my innocence

He forced me into silence

Told me I deserved to die 

Said children like me need pain.

Said I was ugly and reordered every minute of me crying about it.


They say I should forgive

But he's made my life hard to live

I see him in my dreams

I hope he can hear my screams

I hope he can hear my innocence telling him I love him and "daddy can we draw after"

"Daddy your my superhero"



It isn't fair that he's free

He ruined my life the day he molested me

I try to move forward

But it's as if I'm anchored

Held back by this voice saying I don't deserve to live.

Let me go I say let me go

But the voice repeats back I dare you to try.

It's his voice..


I'm trying real hard

But still I'm so scarred

I try to hide my pain

Even though it drives me insane

I try my best but how much can I take 

Until it destroys me

To anyone reading this please save me from me.


To you I may seem happy

But deep inside I'm really angry

Because behind my smile lie my fears

Because behind those laughs I hide my tears

I'm the one you call fake

Some days I just wish people knew how much I ache.

How tired I am 

And how much my mind puts me through

The anguish of my mind
Is like a burden for me to ****
I can no longer bare the suffering
The crying
The young girl who begs to be heard

My pain is no longer a survival tool
But a lighter and the 9 year old the fire
Time to burn both of them.
Let go
Goodbye.

The scariest part isn't my Sadness,

Or the emptiness in my loneliness

Not even the fact darkness has rejected me

Its the realization at 2am

That you don't have the energy to cry or to cut

How do i narrate this pain to you

Why is crying in my fate?

I am slowly breaking and it's not fair

How do i **** this pain

Without killing myself

I'm scared of the what if... what if I see him

What if he hurts me

He was meant to be my dad

Not my abuser

He was meant to protect me

My helplessness is in my eyes

It reads out help me before i die

In this kind of pain

I may die bearing it

Or even get used to myself

And I am scared….

The people making me

Cry are telling me to wipe my tears

And he isn't here anymore

But still breaths in my head

Everyday i scream silently

I hide my screams with a mask

My own look at me like I have commited a crime by saying thay I'm not fine

Laiba is hurting for too long

How much more can she take

I am sorry for not being happy

For being scared and the fear consuming me.

But what do you know

What I been through and why his presence scares me

I feel so low.
I feel so scared
Tell me why do I have to be this way
Tired
And afraid
I cut myself once again
Not wanting to die but to get rid of the pain
So please help me understand why do I deserve all this pain.

She saw him
My mother saw him her abuser
Eye to eye they stared at each other
For him to laugh and look down in embarrassment
For her to leave all shaken up
Now her kids are too terrified to leave home
Incase they see him...

I don't trust no longer
My trust for others is a thread
Easy to turn a blind eye too
Not intentionally done to harm me
But my PTSD says otherwise

Can't convince my mind to believe that you was looking out for my safety
And you cared about my life
When you should of known out of everyone in this world
That what you did would of been more damaging then anything

That's the ptsd thinking like that
I know the meaning behind it was to protect me
But convince insanity that

I cut a year ago
I cut a month ago
I cut 2 weeks ago
I cut 24 hours ago
I cut 24 minutes ago

Imagine this...
falling in love and finding somebody that  is your soulmate or your first ever crush
and they look at you in your eyes and say life is better now that i have found you
and the butterflies just dance in your stomach
and you think to yourself that this cant  get any better..
But this feeling does not simply come  just by loving the opposite gender
it can come by loving the same gender as you
or you feel the same way with both genders
and that is okay nothing wrong with that
to the people who think this is wrong
ask yourself this
since when you can you control who you love?


Love has no color  
no filter
Love can never be wrong
nor something that shouldn't happen...
love who you want if that how you feel and then that is   how you feel
Being yourself and accepting who you are can never be wrong
The norm is different for everyone
your norm may be the norm for u but not for your friend
and that isn't wrong.
we do not   have to live up to other peoples normal
live up to your own self being.

surround yourself with people you want
do not  let others choose your sexuality
continue being your beautiful wonderful and unstoppable self
and nothing should stop you from being this person
and remember love is love no matter who its with

Hope can never be silenced
and so i hope that we come to a place in this world
were we wouldn't have to "come out"
we would just simply say "we are in love and that all that is important"
not who it is...
lets start to treat people like human
rather then determine that on their sexuality
remember love is love and its different for everyone

scared and afraid was your little girl who cried herself to sleep
she asked, she begged herself to find answers to why "daddy"  was so cruel.
Dear dad. No dear monster.  Your no longer my dad.
A dad is not just somebody who helped produce you
you have to live up to the role
and you evil monster of a person didn't .
so now i declare you as a monster and not my father.
Remember that child who you looked in the eyes and said horrible words too...
who you watched while she slept
yeah i knew your soul was creeping on me and waiting for the perfect moment to take me out of bed...
i remember your ***** hands lifting me out of the warmness of my bed
the whispers you said still haunt me till this day
"i wonder what to do today"
i kept my eyes shut wondering off into an imagination of a 9 year old thinking i haven't done my homework
who knew homework would no longer be my worry
but when will daddy hurt me next..

Your bitter sweet words fixed in my head
you telling me i was worthless when my body trembled with your cold hands exploiting it
this was not the first time and wasn't going to be the last time.

i  watched your brown eyes turn to red
as you felt the pleasure of hurting a 9 year old child.
The anger turned into a smile when i cried..
i told you "daddy stop please daddy it hurts"
i hope those cries torment you for the rest of your life...

i looked up and wondered when was it going to stop?
remember monster of a human
those cries of a 9 year old will torture you inside out
those pleads of a 10 year old will suffocate you
the screams of the 11 year old will **** you everyday

I was born in this world without a choice.
if i knew  what my life was going to be no doubt would i have chosen not to exist.
Born into two people who claimed that one was my mother and one was my father
because  being a mother or a father isn't just producing a fetus its about living up to the role
None of mine did.
No choice but to grow up to fast
by age 5 i was hiding knives and tablets preventing my mothers suicide attempts
running around and crashing into that monsters soul
afraid i would  take two steps back
and he would take two steps forward
he would hold my hand and take me to my mother
the rest is a blur
all i know was i would see her naked body and him next to her.

Cold heated shouts blew me away
drowned me in none other then sadness and fear
my siblings become like my children
who i tried to protect
but we would come together to keep each other safe.
the routine of hiding knives become a game we made
social services meant to care or to protect?
watched the monster silence us and left us and deemed it was  safe
safe despite watching the "parents" argue
safe despite  him being cautioned  and kept away for beating my sister when she was 7
who knew these services would later be the reason why innocent  lives were sacrificed for a cycle of abuse that would never seem to end....

Self care.
Loving yourself for you
Giving yourself a break
Do i really deserve a break?
The question is in my mind
Its in our mind.
We are not alone
In thinking self care is selfish once and for all.

To love yourself isnt selfish
To accept yourself isnt wrong
Take care of yourself and make your happiness a priority
It's nesscerry not just for you
But for everyone else battling this thought
Just breathe and think
Your giving the world the full of you
Not just part of you .

It's hard but I know how strong You are
How we all are.
Take time to do what makes your soul happy
Even if is sitting down and reflecting.

Today Is the day I was born
The day i hate the most
Why was I born
If only to be be hurt by the person who help produce me.
I'm bad luck and a jinx


guess what to the man who hurt me
You ain't worth of being my dad
So i am going to celebrate my birthday embrace it no matter what..
You are not worthy of controlling me at 16!!!

Silenced
Ashamed
Why do i have to be this why

Hey
I am not freek
But the question is
Am I dreaming
Or is this my reality

I'm sorry
I'm truly sorry
To my 9 year old youger self
For enduring what you did
I don't blame you
I feel angry at the person who did this To you
You was so inncocnt
Just looking to be loved
To be protected

Yeh you might of lost your womanhood to your own dad
But that was not your choice
It was forced...

The 15 year old me is just dealing with his actions not yours

Feel like crap
Goodbye.
This is not the end
But the start to
The new image of feeling crap

Happy birthday my best friend
My partner in crime.
My laughter.
My joy.
My life.
My everything.
My beauful sister
My actual biological sister
I love you stay blessed

It felt like a warning to what I feel now
Sad.
And suicidal
With no happiness insight
I just want to be alone

Tired
Alone
I just want to die
And not do it Anymore

One step closer
To my mind exploding

I hate life
I hate myself
Oh how I wish
I would die
And nobody would cry

The man in my head
He says "whenever you hear my voice you come if you don't it would be a very bad outcome"
I didn't
I was sick
So he tortured me
He said I should of died
And that I was worthless
He says I am going to hurt you
Until you wish I stop
But he didn't he lied
He hurt me till the very next day.

I am sleeping
He awakes me
He says I am the ugliest person he's ever met
I say Daddy I am sorry
He says you have to be punished for being so ugly
He hurt me till I cried
Recorded every minute of it
Laughed at my pain
Said ugly people deserve that

I can't do it anymore
I just can't..

I hated every minute.
I hated every second.
Of the times you took me.
The middle of the nights
In the deadest of silence
Laughed at me when i cired.
Went in harder with each breathe I took.
Why dad why
Was i that bad

He was in my head
Today
He was abusing me in the rain
I focused on the rain and ignored
The pain
The hurt
The exploitiaion
The rain protected me

Life hates me
I hate life
I hate everything

I was only nine
When you
Stole away
What was meant to be mine
My body

I am tired
Tired
Of not sleeping
Tired Of dreaming
I want to sleep
And never wake

My heart is crying
My mind is screaming
Daddy let me go
Let me go
He says no
You have to watch this
I say
Daddy  do you love me now
He says no

Bottled up the words I have never said
The feelings that I hide
You can see it on my face
If you looked harder
Trapped inside are the words
He told me
I wish it was lies
It was all truth
I am worthless.

It hurts me
To know
She's crying because of me
I didn't mean to cause her distress
She's my sister at the end of the day.
She worries she says I wish I could of seen you struggle Insted of cutting
I cry because i don't want to be her reason behind her tears
She's my sister
My world

It's HIS birthday today
THE MAN who ruiend me
he was meant to be my DADDY
Not my abuser
Why did GOD
Have to create him....

Look around and all i can see
Is the hatred of the world
The anger the pain
They laugh at me
They say
Sket did it once
Do it again...

The worthless girl
Trapped in the perfect box.
So here I am.
In my box
Not wanting to escpae

The cut across my skin felt like a broken heart shattered across a million times.

Life is hard...
You just gotta do it.

My head
My heart
All says the one thing
Let it go enough is enough

I sit in my room and I cry
They want me to say I am fine
I sit in my room and I cut
They want me to pretend I don't
I sit in my room and attempt sucide
They tell me its all for attention

Soon I won't be here to listen...

There will be a day where I can look at him in the eye
And say
You are
Evil
You are a
Monster
You are not my dad anymore

Happiness hates me
I hate happiness
Any sort of happiness I get should go
So goodbye to the people who made me happy
You guys were amazing

My desire is death
I will cancel any nesscerry plans to free up some space
That is me breathing
That's unesscrrry
Not needed

Dad you taught me the biggest lesson of life

Never marry anyone like you ..