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  Dec 2016 Julia Mae
sancus
when my heart bleeds ink,
and when my pen sheds blood, please
know it's about you.
Julia Mae Dec 2016
-
i am so exhausted by consistently loving you while you inconsistently "love" me
"your love is such a swamp, you don't think before you jump"
Julia Mae Dec 2016
i would lay in bed most nights and think a lot. it happened when i was wondering what the hell i was doing. why i was still here. i thought of every last terrible thing i allowed others to do to me. how i forgave, again and again. how much hurt i further allowed. how deeply i knew that i was being treated badly but i still chose to not walk away.
i wanted to hug myself. i wanted to sob. i broke my own heart more than others ever had for me. it took me so long to realize how emotionally unattached i truly was from myself. how not one drop of self-love existed. except on these nights, when the full realization would hit me, and i would weep for myself. over every last terrible thing i endured and accepted. the future mistreating i was currently allowing, and would allow to continue.
i lived in such shadow of myself that it took years to realize i was good. that though i hate myself, i never deserved any of that. i am good.
i lay here some nights with burning eyes and wetness upon my cheeks. breaking my own heart over and over thinking of everything. knowing i still don't have the strength to completely walk away. is this how i am going to live? in constant emotional turmoil and self-inflicted abuse? is this all i am? all that i ever have been? am i just going to remain miserable, allowing them to keep hurting me?
i wanted to hug myself. i began to somewhat love myself, i guess. no one will ever break your heart as much as yourself.
Julia Mae Dec 2016
being
a good person
when you don't want to be
good
is easier
than being mean
even though
your blood is
boiling
Julia Mae Dec 2016
when you told me that i broke your heart
i could only laugh and tell you that you are sadly mistaken
because i don't have the power to invoke that much sorrow inside of someone
when you are no one, you remain unseen and unfelt
to yourself, and everyone else

i did not break your heart
because i am not the type of person to be stricken over
Julia Mae Dec 2016
my head hurts
in a way
that ******* gross aspirin cannot fix
i can still taste the overdose
in the back of my throat
the pits of my
aching stomach
trying to expel
its chalky white substance
my head hurts
i'm too traumatized by
"pills"
fix me, ******* magically fix me
please
recently overdosed on Tylenol PM to escape and I regretted it.
Julia Mae Nov 2016
time ticking
the countdown of our love
the expiration date
the end of the book
the end of a good song
the end of you and i, and us
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