I play our history like a broken record.
Trying to piece together
the exact moment I let you go,
unsure of how it happened.

I miss the us we had,
our conversations and silly jokes,
long silent hugs that feels like home,
and your smile that warms my heart.

I fear too much time has passed.
It drifted us so far apart,
erasing the way back to your arms.

I want you back by my side.

I'm holding onto forlorn hope
of dreams that only involves you
and all the endless possibilities
of what we could be...

the dutch colony ascended on our shores
replacing traditional african education on culture
with teaching slaves how to pray

we saw the deterioration of black schools
and state-mandated segregated curricula
whites being taught better than blacks
who was only destined for subservient jobs

policies of apartheid birthed the bantu education
and later forced us to learn languages
which was not our native tongue
the youth could no longer be silenced
soweto uprising saw them dying for the cause

we have protested throughout the decades
silenced by the apartheid government
simply ignored

with Mandela’s release we saw liberation, freedom, democracy
and a single education system, we were finally equal
however the legacy of black inferior education left a deep scar
which has still not healed
our parents not able to give us the education they were denied

now students are holding the government accountable
who promised free education for a vote
the movement trending as #feesmustfall

anger expressed by burning premises, striking and rioting
i believe in the cause but who are you really hurting?
why destroy the very universities that you are fighting for?

i pray for silence.
a quiet moment from the storm.
my mind possesed by unwritten lines
burdened by the weight of life.

i am unable to feel
beyond the thunder and trashing
of my own mind.

slowly losing myself.
chaos breeding inside my head
of words that are slowly dying.

my battle has always been
between overwhelming thoughts
accompanied by poems,
versus... not feeling anything at all
with pages left blank.
i prefer either the scorching passion
or the cold numbness.

this is much worse!
with each thought not articulated,
i'm missing pieces of myself;
which i can only find
in the calmness of writing.

i wait and wait to feel...
something,
here i sit, blissfully numb;
emotionally switched off
experiencing my hurt and pain
through loved ones eyes
it's not that i can't feel
i choose not to
say what you want
it may not be right
but its right for me
when life threatens
to swallow me whole

i love the way we met
unbeknownst our paths aligned
and a mutual understanding was formed

it’s true that the best alliances are the ones
you never saw coming
i’m not quite sure what we are
perhaps just two people that chat

i really think we can be more than friends
you are someone
I would start a really small gang with
you can by my person
i’ll have your back

the pinch of daring I need
like tabasco and tequila chicken wings
beautiful in its unlikeliness

we wake the next morning
barely able to look at each other
torn between guilt and shame
replaying every decision
that led to this

i feel i need to apologise
for allowing you to jeopardise your forever
for a fleeting just-for-now moment

a moment purely born from lust
unadulterated passion
that made us forget who we are
this has truly shaken my core

my mind torn between the beautiful act
that consumed me for a few hours
and it's destructive consequences

my heart cries for the woman i betrayed
as much as the hatred i felt towards
the woman that did this to me once
when did i become her, the "other woman"

i hope you find your way back home
and the reasons why you strayed

now i need to say goodbye to you
to someone i never knew
a stranger i'll always remember

try to forget a memory
that will linger
like the bitter taste
of our unspoken secret

i don't know my mind
filled with fear and pain
i don't recognise the world I dwell
nor the person staring back in the mirror

it constantly feels like i'm stumbling
not knowing if i will ever catch myself

i spend my days staring at white walls
pacing the room, up and down
trying to leave my shadows behind me
but they're always stalking

you may not see my scars
my monsters are still real
even though they are invisible
they still rip me from the inside

the pills made the voices stop
now i'm surrounded by silence
the cage i'm held captive in
has become very lonely