Words swim through my head with so much power and meaning I start to drown. My bubble of happiness shrinks the more I think of how to tell you. I mean nothing now, I am just an empty body of what was and could have been. I’m a constant reminder of the pain I have caused. I am afraid, afraid of the sharks biting at my ankles, and yet I swim so close to them, its beautiful. I’m at peace there, here I feel nothing but hurt. I feel alone without my sharks.

“Quiet” he says, its easier when I’m quiet,
But how can I be quiet when he’s stabbing at me.
“Breathe” he says, its easier when I breathe,
But how can I breathe with a hand gripping my neck.
“Smile” he says, its easier when I smile,
But how can I smile when he’s shattering my innocence.
“Moan” he says, its easier when I moan,
But how can I moan when my whole body is screaming in pain.
“Beg” he says, its easier when I beg,
But how can I beg when I want his hands off my body.
“Cry” he says, its easier when I cry,
But how can I cry when I know that’s what he enjoys.

I think I’m addicted to pain.
Not my own, mostly others.
It hurts to hurt them though,
I just cant help myself…
I fall in love too quickly,
Then back out just as fast.
Like they meant nothing,
Like we were nothing.
I’m not myself like this,
If I was it wouldn’t hurt,
Id feel happy hurting,
But I don’t, not at all.
Maybe I should run,
Get out while I still can.
Or maybe I should tell you,
Tell you to leave, to turn and go.
This poem has no rhythm,
But its the most honest I’ve been,
I’m a ******* mess sometimes,
But maybe thats the point,
I suffer, because others suffer
And I guess thats my fault.
I am lying to myself,
And that means I lie to you.
I say what I don’t mean,
But in that moment, its true.
I wish I never thought that.
I cant love if I cant love myself.
Maybe that’s my problem…
I’m sorry if I hurt you,
Deep down, I do love you.
Deep down, I am sorry.

I feel you might slip away,
Like one wrong move and the ice cracks,
And there you fall, you drown,
What we have will be lost,
Goodbye us.

Am I walking on egg shells?
Or did I step onto spikes,
Only to blame you, like you did this,
Like its your fault I’m trapped
When in reality, I placed myself in danger,
Did I make up this change?

Would you care if I left?
How stupid of me, I know you would,
I know you love me, and you know I love you,
And yet, here I am,
Scared you’ll see it as more than that.

I will not lose you, I promise that,
You are my friend after all,
You’d help me pick up the pieces,
You’d help me get back on track,
So I know you’d do that for us too.

Clearly, I am all over the place…
But I guess you’re used to that,
This is just another of my rants.
Thanks for listening like always big brother,
I’m glad I have you.

In this world, we will always hear
About the one that got away.
In this house, where you kissed me last
My thoughts will forever stay.
In this mind, you beautiful boy
You gave my life a meaning.
In this love, this twisted love
There is a song worth singing.
But in this end, the rainbow fades,
The storm rolled in without warning.
In this world, we will always hear,
About a boy this girl is mourning.

I can’t get the after taste of you out of my mouth,
My demons feed upon your words,
Like you spoke the truth, like you was right.
It eats at my mind until I doubt what I think,
“He’s right you know” “You deserve this”,
I thought they were almost defeated,
And then they met you, you gave them hope,
And now they feast stronger than before.
You ****** me up, but I cannot let you win,
I will not let you to corrupt me any more,
You mean nothing, my fiends will die,
And along with them, so will the memories of you.
Old friend, this game you play is bitter sweet,
But I’ve let you take lead for too long,
I am stronger than you, I deserve more than the lies you told,
I will not give up, I will not let you defeat me.
Game on, now I’ve started to play.

Everyday I wake in Black and White,
Only to hear the world’s in colour,
I stare into those hollow eyes,
“Can my life be any duller?”
I thought the stage would save me,
And the lights would make me smile,
But instead, they only made me worse,
They turned my thoughts more vile.
“Uh, do I feel happy in life?”
They’ll remember that quote forever,
“I hope I’m finding happiness...”
What I meant to say was “Never.”

Theres this huge sinking feeling in my heart,
The kind that knocks me sick when I move,
The heavy pit from my chest to my stomach.
I live with a bag packed ready to go,
And each time I say goodbye, say I love you,
You jump on me because you know,
I cant leave you when I see your eyes.
You stare at me, you dont have to speak,
Youve already made it clear I have to stay.
But I dont want to anymore Kimmy,
I dont know why I feel the way I do,
But it hurts, so so much…
Im living in misery, this isnt what I wanted.
I want to tell the others but I dont know how?
Please dont ring him, I cant hear his voice,
I dont want to talk to anyone but you.
Tell dad if you have too, he’ll only yell.
Youre too young to hear all this, its not fair,
But where else do I turn, I know you,
I know you’d understand,
You wouldnt yell like dad,
You wouldnt be angry like he would be,
You’d be calm, youd try to help…
And maybe you’d call the boy I told you not to call,
Maybe you’d ask for his help too,
Because I cant bring myself to ask him.
I’m sorry little sister, I love you too.
And thats why Ive stayed...

“When two people want something but neither will do it”
I’ll slip on ice trying to tell you,
I’ll read your mind like its my own,
I know you feel it too, its not just me
Something changed between us,
Who knew you’d be the first to say it,
Who knew you’d be the first to crack,
I saw it coming, but not from you.
I didn’t know you had it in you,
But why does it hurt? Was I wrong?
I feel like a child, a dumb child.
The one who threw her toys on the ground,
And then when they got taken away,
They cried, they begged, they felt guilty.
Just like I do with you.
Who knew the first time I lost to you,
I would just lose you.

Dumb boys and naive girls,
That’s all we are when you’re young,
Easy to shape, willing to learn,
The taste of them on your tongue.
It isn’t love, not just yet,
But we will claim it is till it dies,
Biting lips, curious hands,
Deceiving the world with our lies.
Here to impress, that’s all it is,
For love or to feel mature,
But when its done, all we have,
Is that feeling of being impure.
We will live, and we will learn,
We’ll walk of into the night,
But sick to our stomachs, and very alone,
I guess what mom told us was right.

You think he’s yours,
You think your love,
Is something we all should wish for.
In reality,
He lays with me,
In the bed behind your door.
When you’re at work,
Or watching the kids,
You reckon he’s gone to the bar,
But he’s holding me,
Saying sweet nothings,
Things aren’t what you think they are.
For now he’s mine,
I know its wrong,
But don’t stop me from having fun.
One day you’ll leave,
And he will be free,
But that is when I will run.

You are forbidden.
Like the fruit Eve was told not to eat
Like if I touch you, everything,
Everything we worked for,
It will be lost.
Gone.

How do I say I love you?
When you have a “do not touch” sign
Tattoo across your chest,
If I even thought that too loudly,
You would turn and run.
…

We both love chaos.
Maybe, just maybe, I don’t love you,
Maybe I love the trouble.
But right now,
In this moment with you,
I’m in love with your…
Eyes
Smile
Your laugh, its your laugh.
I love you Trouble Maker
And you can’t ever know.

Would you listen, if I told you my story,
If I let you in, would you care?
Would you love me if I struggled,
Struggled to tell you everything in my head.
Would you hold me as I cried,
Tell me its okay, tell me I’m not alone?
Because
I’d listen. I’d care. I’d love. I’d hold you…
But would you?
Or would you tell me my biggest fear is true
That I’m just crazy.
Would you even tell me if I was?

Do you really think you can fall in love?
You tell yourself that lie
You date, you play, you fall for people
But love? Don’t be silly.
You can’t even love yourself.
Stupid girl, how many will you deceive,
How many people will you corrupt,
Change what “Love” is to them
Just because you can’t find it yourself.
You are weak. You need others don’t you?
You need them, but they’d be better off without you
Well, wouldn’t they?
Say it. Tell them how little you’re worth.
Tell them how you use them to survive,
To feel wanted, and how you want to love them
But you don’t. No matter how hard you try.
Wanna know why?
You can’t fall in love because you don’t deserve too.
They need better than you.
You don’t love, you don’t know the meaning of the word.
So, I’ll ask you again.
Do you really think you can fall in love?