you live in the back of my mind, under my skin whether you like it or not. you left a lasting impression on me and many, many others.

could i be as well loved as you? as celebrated and cherished as you?
im not sure if i can hold the space for you much longer, but i wish that you would guarantee that it was where you rightfully belonged

you could belong to me, if you wanted so

tell me what you feel and let the rest fall into place. until we can find that closure, reveal the truth to me and you, i will feel like there is an empty hole shaped like you.

i want to hold you so close that we become one
touch the tenderest fragment of the memory of us
and remind me why i have held on for so, so long

is it the clarity that i see in your eyes? the stories we have shared about our families, and our pasts. what is it about us that makes me not able to remove you from my mind?

i would ctrl + alt + delete you if i could, but there is a spot in my bed, and in my head, where you reside, so peacefully, so lovingly.

it's where you say I love you. where you got on one knee and where i said, "I do." Fiction and fantasy, my love sign, my destiny. Can it be, the spot where we can be ourselves, away from expectations, and closer to best friends, to the listening that led to my - strange and everlasting fondness for your memory.

Hold me please and never let go. You fly above, and I walk below. Perhaps our pace is mismatched, therefore I must journey on in hope that you will be waiting at my destination. Just for me.

I -

I am burying the hatchet in my mind, taking the hate in my heart and wrapping the wound tight. The pain is carefully placed in a cedar box where it is accompanied by crystals and incense.

I will put our pain in there and plant it into the earth to heal.It may take years or decades, but the seeds of our pain will become the roots and leaves of a new life. Let the sun fill each cell, photosynthesize our exhales into our next breath.

Let them grow into a forest of love.
Let them turn into a habitat or an ecosystem
Let our wounds heal with time and time alone

- II -

Soft skin of cocoa and shea butter, not a blemish nor battle scar
Smoothed over like pebbles in the sand, the broken shards of glass become jewels among the sediment and shells.

Waves come and they go.

The darkest wounds become soft and unnoticeable
I pray for the day when our pain could feed a hundred people

I yearn for laughs and hugs and kisses from those who we led astray
But for now we sit on the porch, just us, and light up for ourselves.
The smoke fills our lungs briefly anticipated by our exhale. The ash drops to the ground or swept by the wind, caressing our days away.

Waiting for our love to shine anew
One day our love will be brand new

- III -

Someday soon, maybe. Hopefully it's not too far away.

Refusal of tragedy
Wishing for levity
The weight of gravity
And the merry break of morning
Dew drops on springtime buds
we could be the brush and the forest
Bristle and ***, laughter and tears
Pain and ecstasy coincide the swirling cavity of my mind
Dreams show alternate planes, could this be real; simple and plain.

- IV -

A shooting star darts across the night sky
We all make separate wishes in our minds
We all have our own peace of mind

walking through fire
hunger for knowledge
quest of curiosity

defining defiance,
endless comparisons,
I am good enough.

a meditation on fame
thoughtful respite

it's the quiet melodrama of power and abuse
or the destruction & demolition of personal boundaries

to exceed oneself and climb to the tallest mountain —
shout and scream the words of great fear.

leap from the peak and tumble down into crisp, white snow.
the sharp rocks serve me, brushing my skin like polished armor.

I draw my sword and fight 'till my dying breath.

intrusive and violent thoughts permeate my subconscious mind. and i don't mind for the most part because self infliction will not start.

the thoughts sit and brews and stews — triggered by jealousy and self sabotage. when will my time come, when will i walk instead of run?

a cool breeze on a mountain top, i snap pictures of ruins and admire the past i never knew. what's old becomes new and what i knew becomes old.

the curtains unfold, opening the stage for an audience to view, no recording or flash photography while the performance is in process.

maybe someday i'll free myself from my own sabotage and jealousy. maybe someday there will be more freedom to be me and less time to worry about you.

days and nights of celebration
joyous, raucous, confrontation.
we bring forth the best of times
our lives filled with uphill climbs.

patience, breath, and listening to
things in life that come through-
and waiting, just waiting for it
to just feel right, the words
hanging off your lips

you know the ones
in between the sips
and careless whispers
and long glances.

just look into my eyes
and maybe stay a while.

a routine that is getting old
when will my shell break from this mold
perhaps ill wear something bright and bold

perhaps my actions will come back to haunt
proving that i was the one who was wrong

maybe i should turn back…
maybe i should sing a song

sitting here, oh so clear,
the message and the path are near—
the work still to be done, will it take very long?

i walk on as i sing my song
the one you taught me in a dream
where we broke apart from the seams
from who we were- into the people
we were meant to be, you and me,

now it's just me, fending for myself
we grow without guidance,

no one knows the right or wrong way
and it scares me that ive lingered around

home and comfort,

maybe i shouldnt stay
maybe i should just-

get out of my own way

It begins with a sketch. Then a thought.

A question: inquiring further to develop a solution.
Resolve an issue creatively: brainstorming, creative thinking, problem solving.
Trusting your gut, asking for help, and listening.

Thinking about people.
Who is this for? Where are they located?
How will they see it? How will it benefit them?
What is the impact? What is our desired outcome?

A return to expectations. How do they compare to reality?

Another question: do our goals line up?
Is the long term strategy supported by smaller plans?
And do we lift others up instead of pushing them down?

vous pensez que vous savez plus que moi.

the time is here,
when we think about the end
of the year             how things  have fallen
                                                        right into place
                                                             did everything
                                                                turn out your way?
                   or were you left in dismay
                   clothes in the hamper and
                   on the ground, in disarray.

9/20/18
9:26 am

The people I meet in dreams don't remember who I am. I knew you back then, I say. You know me. But I think about the ways I am different from then, how fear made me shift in ways I can't describe.

There isn't enough time to tell the stories of my becoming,
as I am still becoming.

Winter is my season. No stranger is the cold, dry air to my nostrils. The wind whips my face, lashes for every breath taken for granted.

Ice awakens ancestral knowledge,
not of human origin but geologic time.

When did we become vessels for truth? For the words on my lips crawl from a well of pain, fragments bubble to the surface.

Pieces to a puzzle only I can solve.

I wonder, does the core of our planet feel the way we do? Does she writhe in pain the way we do? Is she lonely, like me? Does she feel alive when the sun beats across her face, and does she dance across space to feel alive, like I do?

Earth wept when we plotted her demise, victim to the narrative of a civilized society. Human progress is nothing but power and glory.

How have I been so complicit in your suffering, I ask.
The Earth remains silent.

Hot spring, meadow dew.
There are bodies of water
to separate me and you.

I am my body, though ragged and torn;
my mind & spirit weather the storm.

Inner turmoil, lay to rest.
good night dear, you tried your best.

Promise a world more fair and just
give me more than skin and lust.

Leave my mind, like we never met
I've seen **** I will never forget.

But I make this promise sans regret.

heavy head
raise the lever
open eyes receive
light transmissions
signal time and space

je me reveille dans une chambre
qui ne me connait pas

j'attendais la vie me lève
mais il n'a jamais fait

you sat on the edge of a fire escape
where I bestowed you
the softest kiss,

its tenderness as an embodiment
of time and distance between us
silent lovers.

strange places I visit in dreams
complex structures
don't make sense

tied to familial lineage
ownership, inheritance, & secrets unknown

deepening fears unresolved

driving on an empty tank, without gas
how much time do i have to pass

itching skin
the tender areas of my heart lay untethered — released

I hope you return my query — my shot in the dark

it's been so lonely without the sparks
of our love — the promises broken,
shattered and left on the floor.

Is it my turn to sweep up the remains?
Or will the pieces just stay the same.

We said goodbye to ruins called home.
how much time did we spend filling in cracks —
the space in between shifts like tectonic plates.
Am I an eruption of pain and heartache,
or am I interrupting the slow and natural flow?

Alone I stay, sans reply, where are you love with your alibi?

So much time spent missing you,
so much time dedicated to the form you knew —
who you thought I was — no someone new.

I deny possession,
My Body is not to be contained
particularly by the likes of you.

Covet not the freedom I flourish within.
Covet your own existence, and leave me be.

Adieu.

we've been over for so long
but it still haunts me
rather, the idea of him

the best, most beautiful moments
linger in my heart.

holding one another
as we drift
to sleep

sharing our lives
good and bad

now i am
my own.

stronger

but i miss the company of a
lover

the touch of safe intimacy

do you remember the taste of your first kiss?
not the very first one, riddled with awkward pretension
but the first kiss where you really meant it.

the first impassioned embrace

the touch of a lover's hand,
the warmth of their body,
an electricity which bears repeating

She tries hard to meet their gaze,
keep up the pace and improve each day

Wake each morning a different way

Where is the center?
Is this the middle?

equilibrium
equilibrium
equilibrium

help her find the center
help them find the middle

help me find equilibrium

break my heart
tear it apart
we can call it,

There is no plan — no agenda. 
No lies or falsehoods.

I don't believe in fairytales.
I can't see the truth in such stories.

I don't believe the fear in your eyes.
Because when I stare back all I see is

your pain
your confusion

the misfortune of the past
the misfortune of the present

and a hope for the future.

But

there is no sense in acquiring safety for one
and not for all.

I'm scared and confused
by the state of the world.

I'm shocked by greed.

I'm hurt.
I'm hurt.
I'm dying.

I'm dead.
…
I
wish
you
were
dead
too
…

I love the earth
I love the sun
I love the moon and everyone

I thank the stars and I thank the sky
for being there when I want to cry

I look up at night and feel so small
I am not alone, not at all

breathing can be easy
breathing can be hard

sometimes we forget that we're breathing
the subconscious mind is able to take care of this function
it's really affirming that we can do this

when we remember to breathe, we know it's needed most
my body ceases its equilibrium because of unwanted thoughts
I stay afloat with every breath; the air in my lungs keeps me light

A warm, shining light burns through my chest.
It tells me you are near– it tells me to be patient.

I know that our time is always fleeting.
I know that our time is precious.

Every day I yearn for you.
For you to give me the courage, the strength to go on.

I dream of a time when we don't have to count the days apart.
But I know this in my heart to be true:
that we are connected, me and you.

My one and only;
the person whom I share my love.
Everything I do is for you.

Across the stars, beyond the moon.
Every step I take leads me back to you.

people used to look at things differently
before a knowledge so absolute
before a metal brick could always tell you the answer

one would look at the sky and wonder where it all came from
are we really better off with all of the answers?

I was taught that blood was thicker than water.
I was taught that friends come and go.
I was taught that a friend wouldn't be able to love you like family.

But what happens when your friends become your family?

The traditional familial bond melts away.
Soft like butter on warm toast.
Their love melts me to my core.

I am incredibly lucky.

I tell you one thing and you do the other
I ask for respect and you throw it in my face
My feelings are real
My identity is important

I can't keep fighting this battle when all you do is tell me I'm the one who is wrong. I'm the one who is disrespectful. I am the one who doesn't understand.

I can't fight this battle against people who tell me what to feel.
Get this.
You don't know me.
You don't know my feelings because I'm the only one who can know that.
Not you.  Me.

My dear, my Mark
You are so sweet

You give me life
You are a treat

You pick me up when I am down
You give me smiles when I have frowns

The fickle bone so proud and true
Changes its mind and starts anew
The fickle bone so proud and true
Changes its ways, so it's just for you

Once there was a cutie.
A boy with a really nice *****.
Sadly, he lives cross the state.
When I just want to take him out on a date.
But until then, I'll just think of him in the nudey.

"No one ever loved me like you."

I've been staring out the window for so long. Looking. Observing. Thinking. I made the statement once with a sculpture that people are able to focus on what's in front of us, what is in the distance, and what is behind us.

There are three consequences of these three actions:

1. They becomes so focused on what's in front of us that they cannot focus on what's in the distance.
2.  They become so focused on what's in the distance that they become disillusioned to what's in front of them.
3. They focus on what's behind us and then is incapable of dealing with what is in front of them and what is in the distance.

When I use my hands for good, it's for me.
When I put love into my cooking, it's for me.
When I maintain good habits, it's for me.
When I practice self love, it's for me.

I was taught that love is conditional. I was taught that I couldn't receive love unless I fit into a certain mold. But you know what? I refuse to do that. I refuse to limit myself and my being to the idea everyone has for me.

Why should I have to love myself under certain expectations?

Why can I not accept unconditional love? Is it because I've never known unconditional love, or is it because I feel that I don't deserve it?

I've spent so much of my life trapped in a bubble of expectations. I cannot live within borders because I know that I am limitless. I cannot act with love and I cannot love without loving myself first.

I don't think that loving myself unconditionally is a crime. I don't think it makes me selfish. Loving myself unconditionally makes me feel human.
Being human is my favorite thing about myself.

I love that humans have come so far that I am privileged to be typing on my computer about my inner workings. I don't have to worry about my survival because it feels assured.

I love the people around me so much. I was taught that family is the most important, which is valuable to some but not all. I love that I feel unconditional love from people who aren't blood.

That makes me feel so good. I feel validated that another human is able to value me without there being a catch or obligation (That is the exact reason why I ended up loving someone more intimately that I had expected).

Conditional love is the problem and unconditional love is the solution.
The lesson I've learned over the last few weeks is that I need to be able to accept love without any certain conditions.

Admire the proportions, the features, the confidence.
These are supposed to define the ideal male.
These things have nothing to with my perception of ideal.

When I put myself in that position
I call myself Michelangelo, David in front of me.
I admire his proportions, his features, his confidence.

I throw myself so far into the fantasy, reality becomes a fog.
Enamored by him, his features, our closeness.
I am entranced by him, we transcend into the unknown.

I return to reality, and realize that I've gone too far.
I can't take back the words I've said,
or the time I've spent staring into his eyes.

But I'm no Michelangelo and he is not David.
My inspiration is much closer to my heart.

The love in my heart.
The passion beneath the gaze.

I know I'm learning.
I know I'm changing.
I know I'm being better.

You know I'm learning.
You know I'm changing.
You know I'm being better.

She said, "Only God knows I'm good."

I feel that. I understand that.

You know I'm good.
I know I'm good.

From this point, I'm moving forward.
I'm finished with what's in the past.
Although it affects my present, it has nothing to do with my future.

I refuse to let it affect my future because I'm willing to move on.

why cant i stop thinking about what happened? why can't i separate myself from this pain? why can't I hold myself accountable for my actions in the moment?

Breathing is really difficult when you're a bad person. It's inherently difficult to function when you have something weighing on your conscious.

I know that I don't want to be a bad person, but why do I make bad choices? I actively try to not be a bad person but then it happens. The bad part of me slithers out. Doing things that have nothing to do with how I actually feel.

It's like having an evil twin. Someone who openly sabotages everything good about your life. The evil twin tells you that your truth isn't enough. They convince you that you're a bottomless pit. You can never be satisfied with what you have. The twin will seek out the situations in which you wield the most power. They choose the most distructive thing to do and then disappear. This leaves you, ~the good twin~, to pick up the pieces. To take responsibility for your actions.

As the person in control, I'm opting out. I'm going to fight against those temptations because I am satisfied. My truth is valid. And I know that I am good enough. I'm full of love at every side and I shouldn't have to seek it out.

why does time stop when i'm with you
i look into your eyes all i can do is smile
your soul is too beautiful for me

you know those parts about yourself that you don't like?
well, I want to let you know that I love them.

Why do i feel so empty without you?
I've been looking for someone for so long
and now that I've found you all I feel in your absence is emptiness
It pains me to feel this way.
I don't want to feel empty anymore,
but when I'm with you I feel like I could do anything.
You fill me with love, joy, and hope.
Your love, your presence, you.
I cannot be without you.

Tell me about something you're interested in
I really want to know
I want to see the light come to your eyes
I want to see the stars shine through your pupils

when i walk with you i feel as if i could go on forever
when i talk to you i feel as if i could go on forever
when i look into your eyes i feel your love …






and i feel as if i could go on forever.

i miss the way you look into my eyes
I miss the way you make me laugh.
i miss the butterflies
I miss being able to hold you.
i miss sharing my soul with you
I miss the kisses and hugs.

i wish i could hold you
I wish you would share your soul with me.

I sit down,
breathe,
and keep my head down

You stand up,
hold your breath,
and walk away

It's foolish that I keep coming back to this place.
It's childish for me to continue living like this.
It's time I move on.

I look to you and smile
You look back and our eyes meet

We don't say anything
We look away

I wake up and I am heavy with the weight of last night
My whole world collapsing onto me
Outside the cool rain touches my skin
The rhythm of the droplets crashing from the sky
The essence of the rain permeating the ground
It cleanses me and I shed my armor for the new day

My thoughts race around in my mind like fireflies in the night.
I lay in my bed with my head spinning.
The dazzling glimmer of their light in the dark illuminates me.

My life comes together like constellations in the sky.
I begin to connect the dots.
The faint glow reminds me of the time that has passed.

My fears dissolve into the air and I feel at home.
I walk down the path ahead.
The darkness doesn't scare me anymore.