Reactions become routines,
and I didn't even know,
until your existence challenged mine.
Scary in oh a such beautiful way,
how all of my 5 senses react,         as I hide  my face between your sheets,
and they smell like strong morning coffee.
Terrifying how you make me feel
as dizzy as I get after seven perfect Manhattans,
when your hands get lost in the curves of my body.
My mouth jailed in ecstasy on your skin,
My lips wanting to write a story on your cage of bones,
Almost using the words I am afraid of even thinking .
Almost.

I still feel cold,
As cold as we felt after skinny dipping that summer night,
But your arms are not wrapped around my naked body.
I can't feel your breath on my neck.
I can't feel the way your skin reacts with crazy goosebumps every time water drops from my wet hair slide down your chest.
I am tired of trying to remember the sound of your voice,
Exhausted of closing my eyes so tight till being able to see whole galaxies,
But still not capable of a sharp picture of your face.
I see shades of green but none of them matches your eyes.
I force my skin to remember the warmth of your touch,
but I still feel cold.

Her lips taste like sparkling wine,
Eyes glowing like painted skies,
Her touch like summer rain,
She lost in her beautiful mind,
Smashing me with electric smiles,
I take her hand and let her walk me through hell,
She burns like fire,
But smells like sunny winter days.

It's midnight and I hit the pause button,
Strech,
move slowly to the window.
Pull out a cigarette of my yellow box and light it up.
Fresh air touches my half naked body,
Tense skin, cherry-red *******.

It's almost 1am so I take my medicine,
White pill, blue pill, orange one, 25 drops
Bitter lips, thirsty mouth.
Lights turn off and I get  between soft, silk  sheets.

Heavy breathing, salty skin.
It's 02:07 as i scream for help,
Silent whispers of confusion as I realize it isn't real.
It's 02:40 I've got fire in my belly and ice in my chest.
Olive-green emptiness in my ****** eyes,
Close them tight
As I pour and shatter.

When your body temperature so high you're burning a hole onto your bed,
but still shaking because cold storms constantly crawl down your whole being.
Hugging yourself trying to hold everything together,
But every single bone hurts,
like you've been running a city marathon.
My throat dry and swollen,
failing as I try to speak to myself.
I reach for a glass of water,
powerless I moan and tears which seem so cold and pleasant run down my face,
as I realize I'm all alone,
always been, always will.
With all that's left from me,
I try to catch the big red pill on my table,
it hurts while sliding down my throat,
I close my eyes and fade
away..

A bittersweet smile touches my lips softly
As I run my fingers through the scars on my pale skin
My heart plays drum and bass
As I turn the pages of my favorite book and they stick together because someone spilled coke on them
All the drunk nights creating a liquid rush
As I sip cold whisky-coke
My senses getting high
When I smell a just litten up joint
Feeling alive while being able to remember
Shaking, thinking about the day I won't

Inhale furiously, exhale softly
the burning lust of a cigarette.
Smoking the toxic memories
From the first one you lit up,
to the red-hot one between your fingers.
Addicted to the flaming feelings that simply faded,
from red to grey,
from glowing to ash.
3 minutes of calm
and the never ending space left between them..