The panic is setting in.
It started in my ankles,
Shivering its way up
To the sweat on the back of my knees.

Creeping,
Crawling up my thighs in goosebumps
Chills.
It reaches its slimy, mangled claw
U
P
And clenches my stomach,
Digging into my diaphragm
And pulling down.

Breaths turn fragile,
Like butterflies taking flight
Light
And shallow.

The panic
Has set in.

Silence, the only thing in the world that's "ours" anymore.

My hands feel empty
Barren, like they should be holding something
And my chest,
Hollow and heavy at the same time
Breaths like whispers, delicate.

I am fragile,
My own glass menagerie
Touch me,
And I'll shatter for you

Catch me, I'm falling.

Calling all heros
Tonight
Would be a night for rescuing

Unfinished conversations
Like holding your breath
Playing the waiting game

My insides are dancing a nervous jig,
And my toes are taptaptapping the crazed beat.
All the sudden I am six again,
That scared little girl, afraid of being in trouble
But I've been accused
Accused of misleading, manipulating, and lying
To the man I trust
By the man I trust.
A capital offense, I would say.

So I lay here,
Playing the waiting game of
Figgety fingers, tapping toes, and absent appetite
Wondering where I broke your faith
Searching my motives, coming up empty-handed
Lost as to why you'd stay if you believed me false.

How can I show you the truth?

I was just a scared and lonely girl
Who wanted to share a piece of happiness
With a scared and lonely boy.

I am not here to chain you down.

Like the meteorites we flock to the fields to gaze upon,
I don't want to burn out.
But how do you stop the source from getting eaten away
When the fire's already hot and bright?

My liver is getting strangled by my intestines
My stomach is eating holes out of itself
And I'm sitting here in dumbfounded stillness
Wondering
"What's next?"

It's all still here
It's been waiting for me
Since I left it here in anger
This maze of wrong turns and traps
Of mistakes and misdirection

And still
I am no better at solving these puzzles
Than I was months ago.
The uncertainties and anxieties
The mysteries and the caution
Still hiding in the paint on the walls
Hanging on the hinges
Blowing in the sea -wind
They haunt me
Keep me company
Follow me.

Someday it will end,
Inevitable, I was told.

Even then,
Even when all is done and finished
Will I still think of you?


Will you still think of me?

Baby, I'm a thief.
I will steal your sleep
With a word,
Enticing you to shed your blankets
And walk the night with me
Like a demonic Sandman
And we'll do un-Hypnotic things
And un-Morpheus things.
Nyx would be proud.
So scurry away little boy
I will make you so sleep deprived,
You won't even remember your name
And I'll send you off in the morning
With dark circles,
Drooping eyelids,
And to accidents lying in wait for you
Beware of me, love.
I will ruin your life
As I steal your sleep.

Please
Forgive me, and goodnight.

Failure is the hardest emotional hurdle to overcome.
It means the end of the adventure,
And worse,
That this particular end is your fault.

Failure means a creased brow, fidgety fingers, and knotted stomach
It means confrontation
And admission of guilt.
Failure means you didn't succeed.

When failure sneaks up on me at night,
Seeps into the skin on my back,
And wraps its slimy hands around my rib cage
When I'm in its vice grip
And I can't breathe
Will you give me CPR?

Tell me something beautiful.
Tell me something that will have me
Sitting on the edge
Anticipating.
Whisper to me
Those tumultuous intricacies
You carry in your chest
Let magical phrases
Flit across your tongue into the air
Like butterflies
Akin to the ones in my esophagus.

Tell me of tomorrow
What adventures lie in wait for us
Where you'll take me
What we'll see

Weave a blanket from the tales of the past
That I may wrap myself up into
While you're away.

Tell me what's good
What's bad,
What's sad
What's bothering you,
Making you mad.

Spill it all
Like the milk our mothers didn't cry over,
Like the blood, a brother's pact,
Like the ink on the page,
Like the beans, as they say.

Open arms, ears, eyes,
I'm listening.
Tell me something, Beautiful.

New beginnings?
Yeah, the universe has a sadistic
Sense of humor.

When I wake up in the morning,
It will be a new day
And the beginning of a new life.

And the sun will be shining.

I close my eyes
Exhale
Disbelief flutters in my stomach
As you drape your arm over my side
Your hand slides up my stomach
And you fingers find my hand.
I think I forgot to breathe.
The air feels full of static
My lungs tingle with the shocks

You pull yourself close
Nip my shoulder.

I think I might catch fire from the explosions
My nerves dance
All the way to my toes
I curl them up instinctively

We lay there, breathing
Inhale
You smell of campfire, alcohol, and J
So delicious, tantalizing,
I want to fill my chest with your scent

You pull me close to you
Breathe in
Ecstasy
I roll to face you
Afraid, hesitant
This could still all be in my head.
Slowly, I look up to meet your eyes
Captivated
Blues, greens, hints of yellow gold
Universes, built of all your intricacies and thoughts

Clinging to you, I am frozen
Afraid of this dream that will end any moment
Scared that you will wake up,
And realize that moments like these
Are dead to you.
But you don't,
The dream continues

I'm staring at you
You're staring at me
Suspended in time, waiting

Suddenly
You're kissing my neck,
Hands in my hair,
Pulling me closer, pulling me in
Surprise meets bliss
And I cling tighter, nails on your skin
Surrendering, I fight to keep up
Kissing, holding, feeling you

We break apart.

Your eyes are wide,
I smile, almost laughing in ecstasy
Your eyes grow intense,
And we slowly, hesitant,
Lean close
And intertwine once more.

Smooth and seamless.
Our bodies remember even if our minds forget.

I am worthless.
Useless.
A failure.
All attempts turn to tar in my hands.
Frustration builds up behind my dam of calm
One more self-loathing thought delivers that defining, final crack
And all composure crumbles.
I hold my breath yet I can't stop the heavy breathing
Anger
All directed at myself
Leaking out of every pore
Every fiber burns
Destroying me
Turning me to ash, waste.
Because that's what I am.

A failure.
Useless, good for nothing.
Lazy, prideful
And worthless to the last drop.
I drop everything I touch before I destroy it
And it destroys me.

Held, warm, breathe it in
Sleeping on the forest floor
Waking up with you

And still,
You are interwoven,
Ingrained into my very thoughts.

I struggle to find the disconnect
Where you remember it pleasantly
But don't want it back

It burns my lungs as it goes down.
breathe in
Living in sweet denial is just that: sweet.
But every dream,
No matter how sweet,
Must come to its inevitable demise.
exhale
God, but it burns.

Wake up
Wake up!

It's over.
Your dream is dead.

And then I realized,
I wasn't okay yet after all

Most days it's manageable
Especially now that The Silence
Has come to a tentative close.
But just as every addict knows,
once your highs get higher
Your lows get lower.

Days like today
And nights like last night
Remind me what it's like at the bottom,
What it's like after you've fallen.

Hope,
That glowing beam that some cling to
Is instead my punishment,
A pillory I'm chained to
Locked in
Keeping me in the same place,
Hoping.

Some days are more manageable than others.

He carries his sadness on his shoulders
Little white lines
Hidden beneath his sleeves

I want to wake in the middle of the night, only conscious enough to recognize your scent, to the sensation of you pulling back my covers and climbing into bed with me. I want to drift off again, only after you’ve enveloped me with your body, to the gentle whisper of your breath on the back of my neck. My last thought before unconsciousness settles back over my mind will be your name, and how I’ve missed you.

This is it, isn't it?
Here it is, the time.
It's staring me in the face,
Dark, lonely eyes
Weaving a tale ridden with tragedy.

Gut clenching
Hands shaking
Muscles cramping
Heart weakening
It's time, isn't it?
It's here.

Forgive me,
I knew it was close.
I didn't know
I didn't see.
I failed.

Here I am,
Though I have no right,
No connection.
I wait.
Silent.
Listening.

*It's time.

I find my thoughts of you hiding out in the shower
They float effortlessly on air, peaceful
But the moment I turn on the water,
And sit,
They attack,
Descending upon me mercilessly.
I pull my knees up for protection,
Curl myself up like a fetus
All to no avail.

*You’re sitting across from me
As I try to avoid the scorching hot water
You lean in, unflinching to the heat
And say to me, “You’re beautiful.”

Leaving me be,
Air finally reaches my lungs.
No more waiting and wondering
Where you’ve been or where you’re going.
With newfound air in these tired lungs
I can out run those long-clinging fears.
Your name is no longer engraved
On the vice clamping my heart shut.

Hope for new love, new adventures,
Has melted the lock on the door,
And I’m tripping over untied shoelaces
In my haste to escape the prison that was my life.

Farewell, black and white.
Here comes the sun.

Funny, what the human mind does to protect itself.

He was broken, as I was
And I thought I could fix him.
No
I thought I could be a solution.

I wanted to be the answer
That the universe whispered in response
To his nights alone in drunken tears.
Wanted to be the perfect fit
To the gaping hole in his chest.

But I was not prepared.
I gave up my heart and soul
before I really knew what that meant.
I gave him my mind and my will;
Everything, anything he wanted that I could give
I gave
I let him take all that he wanted from me
Let him run my soul dry,
and what was left,
What he didn't want
I threw away.

I was too young,
Too naive to understand
The gravity of my choices.
That is,
Until he told me
that it wasn't enough
I wasn't enough.
I was not freedom.
Commitment is not a freedom
And he didn't want any part of it.

So there I was, left with only pieces
of myself.
Not enough left to put back together
To make a whole.
Just a hole.
Empty and lost.

I was in love with him,
and to be fair,
He loved me, too.
Not for who I was,
But for who I became for him.
When he tired of that,
He found someone new to sate his interest.
And failed to mention the change.
Coward.

It's so fuzzy now.
Hazy, even.
Like looking through a ***** windshield at twilight.
I can't even remember a twinge of that love.
Not even a pinprick of the agony.
The holes in my soul don't ache anymore,
Not for him.

Funny, what the human mind does to protect itself.

I'm walking to work
And you're falling through the sky
But that's just life, right?

Finally,
It happened.
Laying in bed
I can feel the emotional hangover coming on.
Words play on repeat in my head
Words like "one night stand,"
"Guilt," "Pain," "Solitude."
Over and over
Intermingled with the aftershocks
Of Mom's messages.

An emotional hangover.

Guess it's time to start
Picking up the ******* and broken things
Left over from the night before.

Hey Mom?
I miss you.
Like a lot.
I miss dancing in the kitchen
To Madonna and Meatloaf.
I remember singing under the paper lantern
From the dollar store.
You bought it just for me.
I miss your strong, muscular embrace
And your scent of cloves and earl grey and earth.
I miss your long, silky hair
Just like mine.
I cut it all off last week.

Some days,
I just wish I could talk to you,
Talk to you about what hurts
But you hurt.
Just to remember hurts.
You're gone.

Hey Mom?
If you're still in there,
Beneath all the alcohol-infused blood
At the bottom of the cavity in your soul maybe,
Could you peek out from behind the curtain?
If only for a moment.
Could you give me some signal
Some kind of hope
That beneath it all
My mother is still here
On this earth
That she isn't lost to me forever.
That the woman who cherished me in her lap
Swaying me back and forth while I cried
From bad dreams or heartache
The woman who taped up my broken arm
And taught me how to make the best spaghetti
My mommy,
Who taught me to sing with beauty
And shared her green thumb secrets.
Please.
Please.
Don't be lost to me entirely.
Please come back.

Hey Mom?

Remember a few months back
Where I dropped the first shoe?
When I came stumbling into your life on a whim,
A simple message sent
A vague curiosity.

Now, before we hash out where I went wrong since then
Before we map out just where I lost your interest
Before you tell me that I'm "just a friend"
Before you tell me you've moved on
Before all of that

You once asked me
Why.
Said you were waiting for that other shoe to drop.
Waiting for the reason behind my curiosity
And conversation.
Waiting for the not so pleasant end to my interest.

But let me tell you something, handsome.
The moment you responded,
The very instant you turned your head
I was scared.
That first night
When you walked instead of slept,
When you shared stories and warmth in the rain,
When you leaned forward, cross-legged on the floor
And kissed me,
I was terrified.
How could I, the girl trying to be a woman,
Controlled and bullied by her fears,
Ever
Ever come to deserve the affection of a man like yourself.

I knew then as I know now,
Though I tried for those 3 months to forget,
That I cannot be worthy of affection
From a man who can love so intricately as you.

You are beautiful,
and I was frightened before I was even yours,
That the day would come when I would lose the treasure of your inclination.

And I have.
And now there is nothing to do,
But wait for you
To drop the other shoe.

I want to wake up
With the first tendrils of morning
Peeking through the curtains
And feel the warmth of you on my back.
I want to roll over,
Breathe you in,
And sigh with all the content that my chest can hold.
I'll look at your sleeping, relaxed features,
Recalling all the mornings and midnights like this one
Where I lay beside you and smile
Disbelieving.
Your skin is hot and sticky from the cramped space of my toosmallbed
And your breathing tends to light snores
that lull me to sleep most nights.
Your arms are stretched above your head
And I run my finger over their graceful lights and shadows.
Your back rises and falls with every glorious breath
and your eyes flutter, hidden beneath those long, dark lashes.
Blissful, I smile,
And wrap myself into you,
Wanting to soak up your essence,
And sleep in the high of your presence in my bed.

My touch rouses you briefly,
Just long enough for you to turn on your side
And wrap your arms around me,
Accepting.


But it's time to wake up for real,
And realize that all that's left
Is the memory of your embrace.

Alert
On edge.
Every single subtle sound sends me reeling.
Terrified*
I wait for the other shoe to drop.

All your life
has been clinging
to this cliff edge.
You spent years taunting
the growling waters below.
Not even the storms --
in all their fury --
Could pry you from your rock.
          Rooted Conqueror, you were.

But now the time has come
for you to reach up, up, up.
Stretching your heart up
into the celestial bodies.

Defying the constant wind,
You flower.
For the first, only time
In your life
You show the world
Your beauty, inside
That at your center,
Blooms of sunlight
were just waiting to burst.

And burst they do,
Tall as the trees,
And your brave, defiant spirit
Is Released.

Leaving your body behind to brown and wither
       Empty now.
That resilient spirit gone.
The carcass and its roots
Fall into the roaring sea.

I want to see you
Standing there
Cigarette in hand
With a hazy halo about your figure.
Beautiful in your own right,
Enchanting.

I want to happen across you
By chance,
And whisper a four letter word.
Because I'll be frightened
Of what you may or may not say.
Afraid you've grown tired of loving me
During our shared silence.

But still.
I want to see you.
On the corner,
In the drug store,
By the bus stop,
On the street.

I want a lot of things.
But most of all,
I just don't want you to forget about me.

Here.
Quietly, then all at once
Her voices and touches arise.
Smiling bright as smooth sunshine,
I lift up my nose to the breeze.

Childhood hides among the brambles
Laughter peeks from under each stone
The trail hums with life.
Walking, gliding through the brush
Playing peek-a-boo with the path,
I embrace Her like an old lover and teacher,
For it was here
In the shade of figs and acorns
That I learned I could soar.

Here.
Where beetles mate and ants labor
Where crackle-leaves dissolve and the soil exhales warmth
Where field mice scurry and fledglings learn to fly.

Even on another continent,
Her caress is familiar.
It is the one of thorn bushes and wildflowers and weeds.
It is the stumble-over-stones
And the ear-tickling-buzz of the bees.

Here.
I know I am Home.

There you are
Gracing your usual corner
With smoke and a smirk to match.
You are not looking at me,
And I smile, because for once
I know something you don't know.
My one secret, clasped like a golden nugget in my palms
Is but a grain of sand to your multitudes.

Looking down, something amuses you
And you take another drag.
Once again I find myself pining
To pick up a habit that burns my lungs, too.
Again, yearning
To be the cancer you kiss,
That you think of when your mind wanders and your hands ache,
To be carried like treasure in your flannel's pocket,
To be caressed between your calloused fingers.
I would burn for you, too.

But then you look more aware,
No longer lost to ineffable thoughts that are solely your own,
And I jolt back
Not wanting my moment to disturb yours.
I shouldn't be here,
Loving you from afar
Reveling in the way you lift your cigarette
Up to your hypnotizing mouth.
I should be nowhere, and nothing.

But I'm already gone,
Windblown.
And you pay no mind
As the leaves shuffle by your toes in the breeze.

Anxiety pulls my intestines out through my belly button
As I wait in silence for The Verdict.
Fear, a rabid dog, lashes out at my feet with every retracing step.
Time is both an enemy and an ally
Here, where darkness sears every eye into blindness.
I would see your face,
Would it not bring both Exuberance and Despair as gifts to my heart.

I would beg of you,
Could my mouth but move for the irons locked around it,
Prove Fear and Despair wrong.
Let Distance and Silence not calcify your heart and affection.
I plead of you to fight for your warmth,
Do not let the cold win
Though it may be easier.

Don't forget me for nothing but a mistake,
A passing thought in your life
With no significance but the confusion you once felt.
Please.
Give me something to trust.

There was a time when I dreaded the morning shower,
For fear of washing you off of my skin.
I wanted to carry you with me, always.
Cherished your touch, scent, warmth.

Now I dread the night and the dreams that come with it,
For fear of seeing your face,
As I know I will.
There is no escaping the numbing anguish
Of longing for your touch, scent, and warmth.

Not even in unconsciousness.

No one will believe this story written on my chest.
Hell, I don’t believe it myself.
How can I believe it when it’s so hard to read,
So hard to read because I’m **missing my ribs.

my stomach drops at the sight.
who knew the eyes had such control over the body?
lungs frozen,
heart burning a hole through my sternum,
hands trembling.
hearing the story in pictures with no words
no commentary, no explanation
only Silence, only Assumptions.
your easy smile, given so freely
scares me into a corner where jealousy and doubt meet
fear threatens to asphyxiate me as i try to choke it back down
transfixing, magnetizing, beautiful, in ways that are only yours
i know others can see even if you cannot
and they will want you, as i want you.
and as i've said before,
one day you will tire of me
tire of my fear, my sloth, my sadness, and my emptiness
and she will be more of what you want.
she'll like the same things, have the same goals, be just as passionate as you, and share your love for debate.
she'll be better for you.
and until this happens,
i will fear its arrival with every posted picture.

i am afraid
that my nervous energy
and my accustomedness to lack of sleep
will soon drag you down with me
into my depression-well
where i like to drown myself
when i do and don't deserve it

and i am afraid
that you will soon tire of my antics
my fears and my sloth
and i will force you to do what you fear:
hurt me
i'll deserve every pinch of every nerve
when you leave my bed cold

and the waters will come
as they always do
faithful as my self-loathing
and i will drown in the absence you'll leave

but you'll be better off, Love.

breathing breaths
into beautiful bodies
hands that hinder passage
into hidden places
sacred to those
only enough.
toes and fingertips trembling
at the tickling terror
in those beautiful broken bodies
and love like lilies lying
lies across your lips
open ears earning no trust
in eyes too blind
to notice the pattern

It is one thing to hear about
Beethoven,
And learn about his diminishing hearing.

It's another thing
Entirely
To meet him.
And he knows it's coming.

19 years old and counting
Down the years until
He can no longer hear pitch,
Tone, or the correct notes.

A singer, music enthusiast, and beauty,
Who will some day

lose the music to deaf ears

the moments before art happens
are Agony.
like giving birth,
you're forcing out this potential for greatness
pushing this creativity
out of tiny pores in your skin

you feel like you're exploding.

brain battles heart
inner turmoil erupts
just like the layers of your skin want to do
and it all plays out to the soundtrack of
"i can't do this"

pain of birth, of explosions, of erupting
for some it is all too much
too much to bear that
we let our fear

take Control
and we cave.
put down the brush, the pen, the music,
and we step away
into regret, into sadness

the moments before art happens
are Agony.