i just
i hate it

you know

that feeling of
of
sadness

of emptiness

and just
a big empty hole
in your chest

not being able to do anything
yet having to ignore it
and move on

and move on

i just wish something
or someone could fill it

i wish someone cared enough
enough to stop
and help me figure out what the hell i'm doing

and what the hell i'm supposed to do
because this hole in my chest just keeps aching

and i don't know what to do anymore

i don't know
i don't know
i don't know

why don't you care
why

i just want someone to care

because sometimes i think i care too much
but then my chest hurts again
so i don't care enough

and my heart is playing tug of war

but eventually my heart will rip
in half

i just wish you cared
i just wish

i just think
that if i was gone
then it wouldn't matter
anymore

it wouldn't matter
anymore

anymore

i’m so lost and
confused

tired of my tears
and my screams
leaving me silent

my hoarse voice
and tear stained cheeks
mean nothing to you

there is no remorse
or guilt
in the way you treat me

i’m sorry
you say
but those words are hollow

and hold
no meaning to me

they are locked in a box
deep inside my mind

is this what love is

you have broken me
and now i don’t know
who i can trust

i’m afraid i am no longer
loveable

my body and mind
are in too many pieces
for someone to try and put me back together

but that word
try
is another word i have locked away

because you have taught me
that to try
is to fail

and to speak
is to disappoint

but as you taught me
you beat me down
so now

after you
there is nothing left of me
for someone else to love

and how do i explain
why i have nothing left
and that the scars covering every inch of me
are from you

how do i explain
why i think this is love

i’ve been told once before
that when you stare into the Darkness
it begins to stare back at you

until i visited
your grave
i never believed Them

i sat and stared
at the nameless headstone
callously placed amongst the shadows
and i mourned

my tears falling delicately
on the loose soil that concealed what was left of you

until i held your hollow lifeless Skull
in my trembling fragile hands

and met your tender gaze

my cold dead heart was made
absolutely empty
so,
they tell me i can
take a knife to it

though

it would be,
for me,
easier
to face myself

with my soul
having been stained

this thing we
choose
to call beautiful

he

takes his time and
stirs up still things
hidden inside
     to
exhaust the mind

then

settles down and
infests, but

come o beloveds of
darkness and decay

for day
    is near

i frequently
weep in silence -
for those i treat well

are the ones who most of all
seek yet to harm me
and label me crazy

because of this
i am lost
and confused

and you,
     i want
               you to suffer
the insanity -

in myself i am aware of this

but the one i call ‘you’ is simply
                  myself
    and i find that i
          am the cause
                 of my
insanity