i have butterflies
every single one unique in its own way
beautiful delicate wings
with intricate patterns and a variety of colors

each individually carved from stone
by the anxious claws that embed themselves into my skin

i focus on those butterflies
if only to distract me
from my thoughts in my head
from my tingling fingers turning numb
from my pounding heart
and from the air that is no longer in my lungs

i focus on those butterflies
on the way their rough wings scrape along the inside of my stomach
their screams from being crushed by those sharpened claws
and the heavy
sickening feeling
they leave behind

and what about me
my heart
     my
           p
              a
                  i
                     n
was it all just a thousand page novel written
with invisible ink

the only way you can hate, is to love
hate is love
betrayal is trust
we were one

the words, like fire in my mouth
left scars
to keep you, i had to lose myself

but was i holding onto you
like a child that grips their teddy bear
to save them from the never ending darkness
or were you holding onto me
like a child clenching a bag with a fish
wondering what will happen if you shake it

and just like that child's foolish hope of the teddy bear protecting them
it's all just pretend
an illusion that we wrap around our hearts to shield from feeling

your words have become cobwebs of lies stuck to the walls of my mind
hands that hold my head below the surface of the lake
the lake made by the darkest parts of my mind

the soft and gentle hands that once held mine are now calloused and cold
they no longer create
instead
they destroy

it was never supposed to be like this

i squeeze the teddy bear
you shake the bag
the lake fills my lungs
i'm going to drown
my fault
your fault

we were both
too
heartless

my apology that i gift to you
is made from the tears i've shed these past few years

my love is this gift
that i hope
you accept

memories from the past keep echoing
like little drops of rain tapping on the windows in my head
pitter
       patter
               drip
                   drop
remnants from the storm only I could see
feel
     hear
           taste
the scent of death weaves its smoky hands around my neck
i scream

but my voice is only a whisper
so
   soft
        so
           soft
my screamswordsfeelingspains
are just dead leaves carried on a heavy w
                         i
                           n
                              d
dead leaves you crunch with your feet

the goldfish swim in circles
casting shadows on my skin
the ripples in the water refract the sun's rays
my eyes burn

i exhale
                                             up
                                         up
and bubbles of air float up

my hand drifts towards the surface
the cool air meets my fingertips
goosebumps kiss my skin

i twirl my hand and the water dances through my fingers
the goldfish disappear
like they always do
my hand begins to sink

i close my eyes

and release
one
final
breath