Aniseed

Aniseed Nov 2015

Hollow

It's been three hundred and sixty five days,
Twelve hours,
And eight minutes,
And all I've been able to do is try
To wrap my head around the fact
That it's been that long since you've been
Gone.

For months my world was surrounded by
Pictures of you,
Videos of you,
People talking and talking
And talking
About how they felt about you.

I was always talked over.

The gust has died down
But I'm still not over it.
"Take a step forward,"
But there's a fence
And I've never been
A good climber.
Remember the tree
Behind your trailer?

Three hundred and sixty five days,
Twelve hours,
And twenty two minutes.
There's a white box here
That I'm itching to write in
With all the anger and the regret
That's constricting my chest,
But the words escape me.
These are hollow.
These are ghosts.

Guess I've gotten too good
At keeping it in.

Called you selfish the
Last time we spoke.
Hell, you hung up on me
On Christmas.
But there hasn't been a day
Where I don't see a child
Smile up at their daddy
And my eyes don't glance away.

Three hundred and sixty five days,
Twelve hours,
And twenty nine minutes.,
And I'm still as sorry as I was
The first second I knew.

This doesn't really feel like a poem. I just needed to share with someone. Anyone.

Hope you found peace, dad.

#words #regret #death #father #time #empty #dad #angry #hollow #introspective

Aniseed Oct 2015

Plastic Tubes

Three little plastic tubes
Lined along the kitchen counter,
Orange and glaring
Against the floral paper
On the wall.

Since when did you need three?

You open your pill bottles
When everyone's left the room
So not to remind them
Of your mortality.

Your daughter leaves the room
Because she knows
And she can't handle seeing you
As anything but
Strong.

The guilt gnaws.
The fear builds.
The air's getting thinner
As the thoughts grind
In your head.

Pop
Swig
Get it over with
And get on with the day.

Or maybe I assume too much. I'm sorry and I love you and you'll never see this.

#pills #mother #thoughts #strong #daughter #age #mortality #medicine

Aniseed Sep 2015

Idle Thoughts

The world cries
For the mother, who works
And works,
And had dreams
That did not involve
Cement walls,
Cement floors,
Cement ceilings,
Torn muscles,
And numbness in
Her hands.

Those beautiful,
Calloused hands.

There's a guy out there
With no home
Or family to claim,
But he'll rob her
For all she's worth
If it means to damper
The hunger and
Shakes.

He knows a "doctor"
That'll take care of him
So long as his palm's greased
And the supply is good.
Sure, it's not love,
But after his dose
It won't matter.

The guy would mourn
If he died;
Not for him, but for
The loss in demand.
Hard to make a buck
Around here, nowadays.
Guess you have to do
What you can to
Survive.

#lost #dreams #thinking #thought #survive #pensive

Aniseed Jul 2015

Early Morning Musings

Words of deep love and longing
Are lost on me, today.
I've no whimsy to feed my prose,
No form of coherency in my head.

I'll write for the sake of writing.

Rustling trees swelled with song birds
Are mere echoes of a life outside
To me.
I feel like I'm suspended in zero gravity -
My face tingles,
My head is sluggish
Like a hangover without the nausea.

We've got potholes in our hearts
And the construction's lasted for months
So we just fill them all with sand and
Call it a day.
Integrated into a system
That's forgotten the welfare
Of the human soul.

There's a trickle of sunlight
And it's getting warmer.
Summer's blossoming and
I can't stand it.
The beautiful solace of winter
Melts away with my silence,
While summer months boil blood
And chaos chokes the air.

These words I write are read
Aloud in tremulous whispers -
The only proof that they're real.
Recited every night
When I lay my head down
And wonder about the difference
Between what is evil
And what is just a misled notion
Of Righteousness.

And everything else in between.

Sometimes I just wake up so ungodly early.

#life #heart #summer #winter #thoughts #soul #morning #fuzzy #introspective #incoherent

Aniseed Jun 2015

Fever Break

This dismal face softens
And flushes with just a touch
Of life.

Turmoil broke like a fever
And trickles of security
Bled through the cracks.

I lit a lamp instead of sitting
Here in the darkness I've become
So accustomed to.
Lukewarm light isn't much
But it's enough to go on.

My heart never stopped but now
It's beating with a purpose.
Not one of affection,
Not one of intimacy,
But for the pursuit of living
I've been putting off for so long.

Maybe I'm fine. Maybe everything's fine.

#life #hope #strength #quiet #thought #enough #solemn #lukewarm #fever

Aniseed Jun 2015

Old Journal Writings V

This Colorado song
Means nothing without
You here.
I'd give back
Every mountain
Just to hold you near.

I may be silly
And my head may be
In the clouds,
But I feel I'm
Lost in a crowd
Without you around.

This Colorado sky
Seems pointless
Without your song,
And smiling at
Every sunrise
Suddenly feels so wrong.

But I'm sure I'll forget you;
You'll be a memory
From long ago.
Like the time I spent
On a train
Breezing through Colorado.

The Colorado song

I was sweet on someone, once. He once told me to write a song about Colorado. I wrote this, instead.

#leave #travel #lettinggo #sunrise #train #disappoint #introspective #colorado

Aniseed Jun 2015

Of Fireworks and Fireflies

Hazy summer dreams of Independence Day,
Sitting in a field and an alcove of trees
Watching fireflies and fireworks
With nothing but a peace pipe and the pleasure
Of each other's company.

Four in the morning blues
Writing music inspired by
The light reflecting off her box wine,
Bird feathers and new frontiers.
Four in the morning band practice
Where the kitchen was filled with
Jaw harps and nose flutes and ukuleles.
She hated the fact that the string bassist
Parked right in front of the fridge.

Sun-drenched days of exploring
And picking mulberries from the
Fallen tree at the creek.
They tried to make pen ink from it,
Once.

Dreams of open mic nights with
Milkshake stouts and summer sweat
But never once complaining
Because the air felt so electric
And full with the sound of kindred souls.
Place closed down since then,
But she won't forget the time she was
Asked to stay on stage when her set was done.

Maybe they're all romanticized, but
These memories stick like push pins
In her mind, in her heart.
There was something more authentic
About it all -
All those days of watching
Fireworks and fireflies.
Something real, and true.
Something changed, shifted in the universe.

Maybe it was her.

Guess I'm stumbling down memory lane, tonight.

#memories #dreams #summer #nostalgia #longing #missing