You can ignore me,
but remember that you once loved me.
Yes, it hurts me sometimes,
but then I remember what you've done.
Taking screenshots of my loyal love,
and making fun of me for my feelings.
Thinking my heart was just a pawn,
a pawn in a board game that you'll forget about.
This bitterness against you isn't me being a crazy ex girlfriend,
it's me being human and having feelings.
I just don't understand how you could tell me that you loved me,
but leave me for the girl whom you told me you couldn't stand,
and do this all in one day.

7:14 PM //
Will you marry me?

                                                                                             7:38 PM //
        Yes. Not today though, it would be dark by the time we got home.

2:30 PM //
Marry me

                                                                                            2:35 PM //
                                                                                                     One day

6:50 PM //
Marry me

                                                                                            6:50 PM //
                                                                             I can't today, but I will

2:14 PM //
Will you marry me

                                                                                           2:16 PM //
                                                                  Yes. It's too hot today though

2:17 PM //
I got a bag of cheetos I've been trying to finish for like 3 days can we get married when I'm done with the bag

                                                                                           2:20 PM //
                                                                                         I guess we'll see

6:27 PM //
Will you marry me
                                                                                           6:28 PM //
                                      I'm not dressed well enough but yes, eventually

6:29 PM //
I'd marry you in pajamas and you'd still be absolutely stunning

                                                                                           6:30 PM //
                                                                                             You're lovely

11:42 PM //
Lets get married
                                                                                          11:43 PM //
                                                        If you insist. It's kind of late though

11:43 PM //
It's daytime somewhere

                                                  
                                                         tn

i say keep your memories
treasure them
both good and bad
they capture a specific moment in your life
a specific feeling
you can go back and look on them
and think
"how emotional i was"
or consider
"how happy i was"
you never experience
the same version of an emotion twice
so keep your memories,
and treasure
those screenshots of life you experience.

I'm the next act on stage.
Good.
It's about ******* time all that needed to be said
Finds a way to get out.

So here's the thing:
I've made mistakes
I've ****** up a lot, and I'm willing to admit that
Because every ******, I learn from it
Unfortunately sometimes it takes more than once.

So my first big ******:
I made love.
18 years old, questioning everything
ANGRY for the first time in my life
Really truly ANGRY
and REBELLIOUS
Like I've never been before.
So angry at a God that presumed
To ask everything of me and give nothing back
Who took and took and took and took
And let others take from me, from others
Especially women, a long long time ago
And maybe they were stupid
And maybe they were awful people
And maybe they deserved it but they were STILL PEOPLE
Still women
Still girls like me
Scared and lonely
Hungry for an outlet for all of the ****** passion
And anger DEAR GOD SUCH ANGER
That had built up inside.

So I was mad
And I felt alone
Except for one thing
Him
He who I now look back on and wonder what
My rational brain could have seen
In a hundred thousand eons of pain and suffering and loneliness
What it could have seen in a rat
In a **** like him
But he wasn't that bad
I'm just angry

We made love
We loved each other
And I had anger
So we made love.
As if loving each other made it alright
Because what they never tell you in Sunday school
What they never really get across with all the
"Shou shalt not's" and "Don't touch that's"
About chastity
What they do tell you is don't do it
But they never ******* tell you why
Because it isn't going to last.
It really just isn't
Even though you think it will
Put that stupidity aside and see for JUST A SECOND
It won't.
Just assume it wont.
And you'll be with someone else
And they'll be hurt
They will actually be ******* SHATTERED
That you didn't save anything special for them
That you have nothing to give them that you didn't first give to someone else.

So yeah, I left.
I'm usually the one that leaves.
Out of 10's or 20's of loves
I'm the one that usually loses it first
Except for twice...
Nah... Nah now it's thrice.
And I loved again
And left
And I loved again
And left.
And at one point I felt sorry for what I did
But nah, that was an illusion
Brought on by the tears he wept when I told him
I had nothing left to give only to him.

Then I met another Him
And I told him early because
I was SO SICK AND ******* TIRED
Of having to hide what I had done
Pretending to feel guilty about making love
To a little **** who I loved once
But no, he wasn't that bad
He didn't know any better
I'm the ****. I am.

So I told him
And he got scared
But then he came back...
Oh my god he came back, I thought he would leave.
And he held me tighter
And he loved me more
And he forgave me
He moved on
He trusted me
But back up a little.

And breathe.

His name was Hunter.
And when I met him, I was dating the guy I thought I would change for
And a week later I left.
And I immediately got googly-eyed over Hunter
But also someone else.
His name was Collin.
Collin got to me first, because,
Crazy thing
He seemed more mature
And like he could handle it better if I didn't want to be attached yet
So I told him I didn't want anything serious
And we made out.

And then I started falling more for Hunter
Because Collin was a one-upper.
And Hunter was sweet and interesting
Intelligent in speech
On our first date
We discussed Neitzche in a ****** local burger joint
And he was beautiful
In my life I don't think I will ever find Adonis in the flesh again
And eventually, after trying very hard
I got him to kiss me
God how he kisses is like tasting wine
And has the same affect on my mind
And excites my body beyond what I've felt before
And that lasted the whole time I was with him
It still hasn't gone away
To this day if he kissed me
I think my cells would fly apart with joy

Now here's where my shittiness comes back in
And makes everything confusing
So I was making out with Collin one night
And Hunter the next
And I told them both
I ******* TOLD HIM
"We are not dating."
I said that.
Exactly that.
Meaning there is NO commitment
NO expectations
YOU can do whatever you want with whoever
AND SO CAN I

Eventually Hunter persuaded me to be his girl.
So I basically just started ignoring Collin
Stopped making out
Stopped hanging out
Stopped talking pretty much
So I could be with just the one I had COMMITTED myself to.
And we were happy.
Until I told him.

Then he was hurt.
He felt betrayed
Even though I ******* TOLD HIM
WE ARE NOT DATING
During that time
He felt he had claim on me during that time
Just because he had kissed me
He said "I wish you had told me how little a kiss means to you
I would never have ******* kissed you."
And I got ANGRY
And then you know what?

I said I'm sorry
I said you're right
I said "I put his feelings before yours, that was wrong, and it will never happen again."
I should've never done that.
I didn't do anything wrong.
And I gave him power over me
That no one should ever have.

We spent the last month or two
In despairing bliss
Knowing that at the end of the college semester
Which had been so short
He would go home to Georgia
And I would return to the mountains
And I had played the long-distance game before
And would not do it again

I should have just taken what I could get

So the last day, we helped each other pack
We cried
So much
Into each other's shirts and shoulders
Hearts breaking but hopeful
For a promise
I promised him
AND THIS IS THE ONLY THING I PROMISED
That at the end of the summer
We would both be available
So that we could try again
THAT'S IT

So I cried my way home
And he took his plane
And we Skyped until 2 his time every night
After about another month
The usual sadness and loneliness hit
Being home is bad for me
I lose sense of up and down
As I feel my wheels spinning on the ice
In the freezing summer between springs
I missed him
So much that I felt empty
I ached and hungered and died every day
Though it was nice to see my old friends again
But the worst thing happened
I remembered that I like flirting
And I had already ****** up once

Why not do it again?
Three more times?

For two months I didn't make love
I ******
Mindlessly
Cuddled for a bit with a friend
Then he'd admit he liked me
I'd tell him I wasn't going to date this summer
And he'd get hard
And he'd get insistent
"We can just be friends with benefits"
He'd say
He genuinely liked me
They always did
One even said he loved me
I had no such emotion for them
I just wanted to not feel so alone

So we'd cuddle, talk, kiss, ****,
And I'd go home every time still empty
Still cold
Still alone
And sad
And guilty
And for two months I wandered around in that hell
Wondering why it wasn't getting any warmer
Wondering how the **** I was still alone
With all these men that wanted me so bad
And every night as I fell asleep I thought about Hunter
Oh God... I could never tell him
No, he would never understand

And he didn't.
When I finally told him
Not because it was any of his ******* business
BECAUSE IT WASN'T
We were not dating
There was no commitment
No promises except that I'd be there in the end
We kept admitting love for one another
Which was a mistake in retrospect
But he had no right to feel such claim on me

The worst part was that he had asked me over the summer
And I had lied and justified
And gotten angry
SO ******* ANGRY at him
Every time he got suspicious
HE HAD NO ******* RIGHT
And I got angry
Because I was guilty
Especially because it wasn't helping
And all I wanted was him

So I told him
Not because he had a right to know
But because I finally trusted him enough
And wanted no secrets between us
Wanted one SINGLE ******* PERSON
Who I could show my whole self to
Tell everything to
Just one
And I wanted it to be him
And he was angry

And oh god for days he was angry
And every night he made me cry
Because I told him to let it out
That it might help
So he called me *****
He called me ****
He called me cheater
He told me that nothing meant anything to me
That nothing was special to me
Nothing physical would ever be special or worth anything from me
But... But I still don't understand
Honesty
That was important to me
That was everything to me
And I had given it to him
I don't understand
Why he walked all over it
Why

That
That's enough
I can't talk about this anymore right now
Ask me again another day
Just not right now

Alright I guess I should anyway

So the last month of summer
I was with no one
I spent every night Skyping him
Every night either crying in the hurt of his angry words
Or singing my love and praises for him
And when he went on a trip and couldn't call me
I took pictures and screenshots every night
To show him I wasn't out again
I was at home
Safe
Alone
Waiting for him

A month it went on like that
Until it was finally one week before school
I drove down to the college, picked him up
He greeted me at the door and I lept into his arms
And he held me and we cried
And there was love
And I felt complete
And I could finally breathe again
And the gasps wracked my body with pleasure and pain

I took him and we spent a week of heaven
In my home in the mountain
He met my family
And they all loved him
And we talked
Once in a while there would be a sad moment
But he said he'd try
He said he loved me
And I had hope...

Why didn't he try?
He left me when we got back to school
Why didn't he stay
I don't understand
I've tried so hard
I've mended fences with God
Hoping he can help me
But it's taking time
And it doesn't mean anything to Hunter
Why?
I told him all of the truth
All of it
And laid myself at his feet
Just asking that when he was done abusing me
Done being angry
Done with his vengeance
That he would love me
And keep me
And stay
But he left
I don't understand
I tried. So hard.

And I can't let go of him
How can I?
I invested my whole self in the warm and golden dream
Of lying in his arms at night
I changed myself to be what he wanted
I changed my mind to match his
What more could I do?

Don't I deserve forgiveness?
Haven't I earned just one last chance?

Hour by hour
She checks her Insta
Posts a new picture
With a Snapchat filter
If it doesn't receive any compliments
It's not good enough
Every morsel is captured
For her followers
Praised by the likes
And screenshots
Wouldn't be seen dead
Without her makeup
Clothing
It's got to be designer
Membership at the gym
To show off her trainers
Trails through pages
Like a maniac
Can't help but compare
And want what she's got
Her house is big
Her boyfriend is handsome
Her friends are cool
Her family supportive
She needs a new car
The latest Apple product
A holiday
To an exotic location
The trolls are cruel
She can't be seen with you
Her lips too thin
Her nose too big
Searching for surgeries to fix the double chin
Without the screen
Her life is meaningless
She's addicted to social media
Depressed and anxious
Jealous and bitter
She's too deep under water
To see you trying to save her

Throughout the years,
you have made pictures of yourself
available for us to see

and through a number of them--
have shown unedited,  a clear and
horrendously honest view,  directly
into your deeply-struggling soul--  

and even if you may had just days  
or hours,  previously
conveyed a look of almost carefree
   happiness and beauty..  

Those chosen few  that
graciously gave the glimpse  of how
bad it can so often be for you,  
also.. unbeknownst to you,  

   gave light
of how tremendously valuable
and rare you really are.

And like a dyed-in-the-wool stalker,  
I saved screenshots of the ones  that
moved me to tears

years later..
and they still affect me that way

and in fairness, some the ones  also
to where you were truly glowing  
in all  of your natural beauty..

  on the ying' side
  of the bipolar swing.

You are rare and unique..
so very very one of a kind,
(and I have every right throughout the
years to say that to you here and now)

--that there is a  worth  within every single
part of it all that is wholly beyond measure--
you can feel it sometimes, little beauty
I know there is no way that you cannot.

One day  the ravens will no longer be
able to steal that wholly accurate,
beautiful self-view so easily from you,

..and you will be able to live that
wonderfully-accurate view out,  daily--
having now found it's way down in to
your very, central core..

.  .  .  

Sorry, young love.. I know how much  a
beautiful truth such as this, hurts.
You reveal so much of who you are
through the raw innerworkings  and
conveyances of your poetry and music.

You would not be that so very beautiful way,
if you did not believe that Love would
eventually find a way..

  yes, beauty..  even for you.

I love the way I hate the way you wish that I would smile.
If only you could see that so much has been taken from me
That I couldn't love you for a while.
It took those awkward smiles through the camera to see
That I could love you the way you love me.

If you feel so much pain
If you feel you can't leave
If you feel hurt cuz of me
If you feel I'm sadness
If you feel and it's real

Just let me be
Just let me go
Just leave me alone
Just ignore me for good
Just do it for your own good

Poetry is my therapy
Poetry is my form of expression
Poetry is my hobby
Poetry is my thing
Poetry is something I'm into

I make music, I make poetry, I make art, I make education, I make improvisation, I make creativity, I make invention,

I make I create

First you told the truth
told me straight girls just werent for you
so
I took his hand
gave him a sweet kiss
and we rolled in the sand
Said life never felt this great and the happiness began
daydreams  of us kissing
wedding bands and life plans of us out of the country
My mind on men
couldn't wait to escape but
there was a fault in our fate
a girl who wanted a taste of your luck
Mom thought she was great
and you start to eliminate your love for your man
said god hates gays
cant look at you with starry eyes anyways
people start to notice
A flick of an eye and tap on the shoulder
"Dont do that infront of my children"
they'll be confused as time rolls over
So i believed it
didnt know life would be this different
didn't know id forget that i was into different love interests

So then you started to lie
second time comes round
cherry boy you kissed just had to fly
out of town
said his parents abusive
doesnt raise no boys whos heart flutters for other men, excuses

It hurt
more then just a little
empty beer bottles start to pile the table
cell disabled
lies and cheating start to enable
the dishonesty he had for his lover
man made love for another
no amount of liquor could make them lie next to eachother

She heard it
him whispering soft words
of a males name
the screenshots of emails he sent
were not tame
"I love you" Spilled over the page
and she knew this wasnt a game
So she left that very next day

I've got the world's best kept secret
locked in 2 AM screenshots--
her late night musings over a crusty joint, a crushed pill,
or some ***** cigarettes.

She sends me her thoughts,
fears,
anxieties,
insecurities--

at her most vulnerable,
absolutely the most beautiful.

Her anguish stressed in the digital scroll
(though she doesn't like Kerouac, I let her borrow my copy),
her stained fingers mashing all their hurt and nicotine
into the keyboard--

and her pen aches and her paper stains
with the unrequited love she empathizes with
in the somber pop punk songs that explode from the stereo
she sings loudly on cold and lonely night drives
(I shiver in her passenger seat).

And she made for me the greatest of mixtapes,
her holy scrawl expounding upon a dull grey donut-shaped
slowly fading form of intimacy,
a blank CD--

"This mix is a good time"

and when I jammed it into my car stereo I was illuminated.

She is so cool, she is so punk,
and in her clandestine drugstore car charger thefts,
broken poems,
impalpable aesthetic,
impeccable music taste,
illuminated or even further obfuscated drug trips--

I have the world's best kept secret,
and more than anything, I wish to share it with you--

                                     so she can make someone another mixtape.

How I learned to deal with bullies:

Let them have their laugh.

Then laugh about the stupid things they say and do later because you got screenshots of all that **** for the cops. xD

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Thought of you
everyday

thought of you
to tell you what you meant

thought of you
to express what i feel

thought of you
and then to end myself again

thought of you
i remembered us

thought of you
i remembered our screenshots you on call

thought of you
i look for you in my sunsets

thought of you
but i am dead to you

thought of you
how easily you moved on

thought of you
why it didn't work

thought of you
we were supposed to last forever

thought of you
you sleep great and i have accompany by darkness

thought of you
then i remembered

thought of you
you dont care

thought of you
i still remember our future together

thought of you
i remember what i am next to you

thought of you
i cry sadness and love

thought of you
i am empty broken

thought of you
you made the decision to be apart

thought of you
i spill art of sorrows and lust for death

just
thought of you

Baby,
You remain the love of my life, and I'll never stop loving you. As cliché as it sounds, l mean every word l say. We have come a long way, we’ve embraced major changes together and you have to admit being in a long distance at a very young age we have done such a great job. We make a perfect team Paul, seeing and living life with you has been a blessing. You have taught me so much, you’ve been every step of the way from my high school days encouraging me and urging me on even when everyone else including myself gave up on me, you still held my hand. It's always hard to tell someone your dark sides, and bare out all your insecurities, vulnerabilities and still be accepted for what and who you are. You taught me how to appreciate the simple things in life but enjoying those simple things with you made life PERFECT for me. You made me feel whole, complete, blessed and your love led me to the road of happiness. Everyday, every moment, every single second, just the thought of you makes my world go around with euphoric revolution. I know I was not the best girlfriend in the past couple of years but l was still in the process of finding myself, learning how to open up and be free with you, with us. All I wanted was to finally come home so we can be us, with no more walls built between us, no more distance, I wanted you to finally see me for me, when I can finally wake up next beside you and enjoy those simple things in life like sharing a meal, a laugh, holding hands………
   Paul I have really tried but l don’t think I can hold on any longer, you are barely there for me and that breaks my heart even more than the thought of you gone. The past six months has been arguments that should not even exist. All I asked for was a minute or two of your time but it feels like I am asking for too much. I understand you are busy but its just overwhelming to see you online or to see you respond to other people yet I am tossed aside to wait. I could be wrong for I am not there to see your schedule but then again I know this is not right by the impact it weighs on me, by the amount of hurt l feel. I feel invisible in your world, I have to ask you to call me and most of time you always forget, I have to schedule a Skype date with you, you wont message me until I initiate a conversation and you are not even proud enough to show the world that we are together. You can call another woman beautiful publicly but you cannot do that when it comes to me, it might not seem like a big deal to you but it is for me and your actions make me feel invisible, makes me feel like I am clingy, like I am begging you to be with me yet love is supposed to be mutual.
      The important things that made us Glokari do not exist anymore and it hurts me so much that l am the only one who feels major affected by this. There was a point you would do anything to hear my voice, you were eager to kiss me goodmorning and night, we loved sharing the jokes, the laughter even after a rough day and when the going got tough we would cry together and figure out how to move on together but now l feel like I am the stressing factor. You don’t even want to look at me twice after a long day it is like l add more stress to you yet l just want to be here for you. Talk to me and make me understand that is all l ask but everything turns into a fight. Paul I have over 50 screenshots of you giving me an explanation, either your phone died, your friend did this, the message wasn’t delivered, you were held up etc. as much as I am understanding baby l honestly feel left out, I feel like I am tossed aside. I can’t tell which one hurts more, the fact that I think someone else is taking my place or the fact that I blame myself because l feel like I broke us up in 2011 and l destroyed that Glokari connection. Either way Paul l want you to know, all I want is your happiness, I want to see you smiling all throughout your lifetime whether it is with me or with someone else. You are a wonderful man and even though our love story is distorted right now one thing remains so true Baby... I love you. Take care of yourself.

She's like a tigress, walking past my life everytime.
Making me fall for her always.

I thought I love her.
If I did, then why'd I always fight with her for dating someone else?
Why'd I act bad with her?
Why'd I not be more kind to her?
Why'd I not stay out of her life when I planned to leave it rather than her abandoning me?
Because I realised I can't stay without her.
Because I realised she was the tiny missing piece of my puzzle.

Didn't her happiness matter to me more?
If it didn't I wouldn't listen to her keep on telling me about him.
If it did I'd not listen to her endless talks.
If it did I'd not see the pics of him which she kept sending me.
If I didn't I'd not tell her how to convince him.
If it didn't I'd not even have read all the screenshots that she sent me.

If you ask me what I got after all this?
I'd say nothing. All I got was hate.
All I got was to listen to her tell me bye.
All I got was her telling me to forget it.
All I got was her ego.
All I got was her attitude.
All I got was me to hate myself because of whatever I did.

For all I got is to hate world,
to hate humanity,
to hate love,
to hate appreciation,
to hate living..

I wanna live more.
I wanna be part of something much better than her.
I wanna forget her.
I wanna be me again. I wanna be the real me.
I wanna be happy.
I don't wanna regret my actions. I don't wanna regret loving anyone.
Is that too much to ask?

You're in a bar thousands of miles from home in a city that
your tongue struggles to properly pronounce
watching a seventeen year old chain smoking nicotine he bought from
a ******* the corner
when you first feel like you're beginning to settle,
a familiar weight settling in your stomach,
an old acquaintance a stone's throw from a stomachache,
so you slip off of your stool to stagger to the bathroom
where you clutch the porcelain and kneel with fingers poised
like a prayer to your gag reflex,
but you don't do it,
you just sit and feel cold tiles seeping a chill into your knees
and you're trembling.
You don't get up for a long time
but you know you have to settle and sit eventually.
When you go back to the bar,
a boy with a galaxy smile will take you outside
and buy you candy from a sketchy vending machine,
and you can let yourself believe that sweets solve everything:
sweet words and signs and cards tucked into your jewelry box,
tongues tucked between teeth in smiles and screenshots as receipts
of ten second Snapchat dreams.
But other people can't fix you.
Learn that.
Don't you dare let yourself believe,
don't you dare let yourself put something as fragile as
your happiness in someone else's heart
because it probably won't beat as hard as your own,
and it won't pump life into your joys for long,
and before you know it,
that happiness that you tethered to someone else is gone.
That's okay. You'll be okay.
You just need to learn that memories will only ever be memories,
that things only shine when you
remember that you have to keep them clean,
that the chemicals of development take white pages and make them
dark,
that photos come from negatives,
and that you've never had a predisposition
for rose-tinted lenses.

I don't write love songs no more
You then ask what is this for
I said that I really don't know
But either way would you come home
                               come home
                                                       come home
                                                            ­        
....Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah....

Baby I got it and no not ironic
The way that I see you go way past the logic
All of the girls in they summer dresses
Got me rappin' without none of the stresses

Blessings on blessings I'm countin' them: Chance
Sonnets to hip-hop that modern romance
Fly me to China, I teach you Setswana
Drinking that wung zai 'cause batho ra tshwana-

Pink: pretty girls like trap music
Think: of who got dat music make movements-
That's me, that's real, any other nig gotta deal
got 'em feels, give 'em tissues, take no issues, under heel-

Step on 'em: let 'em know that I'm only one
Tell on 'em: got the screenshots say I'm the one
Did on 'em- right **** I hit 'em with dat beat
Pretty picture model sisters never follow though like you

See I got you boo
Like no one else luh you

Some people want it all
But I just want you

Yeah, I got you boo
Like no one else luh you

I also got dem views- and ****-
all of dem views's you


                                              *

What was the joke that we thought was so funny?
Can I hear it again? Can it touch me at night
and make me feel again?

I am obsessed with my health. Not just simply my health, but my weight, and my eating habits, and my view on life and myself. I am so obsessed that it has now gotten to the point where it is all I think about, and it has become obvious to everyone around me.

I can tell you which lunch ladies at my school won't question your lunch choices, which teachers will let you sit in their classrooms during lunch because you don't want to be around anyone or food; I have memorized restaurant menus, and I can tell you the meals with the lowest amounts of calories. My photo gallery is full of screenshots of healthy, low calorie, low fat, no-sugar recipes that I intend to make when I choose. I follow 177 eating disorders blogs on Tumblr. One of them being my girlfriend, and I get notifications when all of them post anything new. I weigh myself everyday, I know what I am eating two days from now, I overexercise, and I can tell you how many calories are in the 6 200mg ibuprofen I take everyday before facing the world.

I have lost 20 lbs. That doesn't seem like something worth keeping to myself, but it is when you are a high school girl; it is when all girls think the same, and suddenly when they hear numbers, they want to be number 1; they want to be the lowest, to be the winner, to be the most miserable person.

I can tell you exactly what it feels like to be embarrassed of being in your own skin.

I love giving other people food because I want them to remember that food is good for them. I want them to feel as though being given food is a kind gesture, not a last resort.

Concepts  👁‍🗨


(the light at the end of the tunnel was somebody else's iPhone)


39 • Speaking the language of the ocean as an Opening Statement oath

38 •  house where gathering on lunch tables is the validation of love I've been taught everything but home

37 • I'm less of a city than id like to be I’m
more categorized i never asked to

36 • It's raining and Thunder storm never fitted my skin this completely  
And —

35 •  yes I'm using too many personification because you know what, The sky is the only one took me in its basement when gods condemn me and my family turned my bedroom to a storage room-
And —

34 • no You can't be as dead as a poet lost herself trying not to pull the trigger every time her hands stopped writing

33 • I wore the moon as a guilt dress and called it mine. when gravity traumatized the earth; it never was okay not to maintain your skin

32 • love shouldn't be this futile mathematical formula, it was either give it all your cosmos or leave its atoms be.

31 • The worst case scenario saying that you cared

30 • Blaming your sign or your daddy issues doesn't facilitate you a permission to justify yourself. domestic violence is never a family matter

29 • Using metaphors like translating love confessions to French, and addressing the lavender's scent on someone else’s sweater. facing the music and call it by its first name was never an option,  securing your handful of cards, clenching them tightly in your fist and never on the dinner table is all your upbringing taught you.

28 • promising not to repeat your parents mistakes only to become one with every time you improvise your toxic behaviors, your mood swings, and hunted past lives on people believed in you that you cast away 'till they walk out of you heathens

27•  she didn't.

27 • She kisses you homes and family members and your childhood playground ‘til your lungs is overflowing with fireflies and graduates

26•  you say “thank you” she said “it’s the god work at best” and man if getting her god's approval is such a tired game

25• I prayed for him 5 times a day, it’s been 5 years and he never answered me back

25 • Contradictions never made sense

24 • I hate the lake and i hate the house and I'm never in between?

23 • Leaving parts of you every time you leave her bedsheets is not a love story

20 • Fights and Interfering ihate-iloveyous like they were the same thing

19 • Trapped inside a voicemail
and made up tweets on happy endings and cursive curses,

this is not supposed to rhyme.

18 • Turning kitchen into dance floor half past eight AM  —her legs move to the music and her body hits you like a soft iceberg before its shape fit into yours now I don't know about you but I'm singing a holy ******* hallelujah on that ****

17• Using the same words fighting on who came up with it first

16 • If religion were to transform into human figure: sun lays inside her mouth, lavenders roots inside her ribcage both beautiful and suffocating.
- Moving the weather in reverse she reinvents clouds so catastrophic and put rain into being; that, my friend is the only miraculous evident  i'll ever worship. You see, the sun bends every time she shake the sky graceless only then she smiles and only then, atheism was irrelevant

15 • Love letters on cold rooms, Empty tea cups, crossed calendar, fake engagement rings and lovers who never came back

14 • tic-tocks, January 12  stuck on 3 minutes phone call ******* I'm doing it again !

13 • I'll seal my will to the seven seas and go down with the ship hopping you're the sailor

12• judging the book by the way it let's you go doesn't let their parents reject you little less

11• too many boarders in our town yet you come up with creative way to make death prouder than your dad ever will

10 • Matching cuts, different motives, Immortalize me a kiss and i'll pretend I'd refuse

9 • Turning heart into cereal box and Oreos and chew on them like love taught you

8• Ran out of blocks to architect so i run on empty vows on strangers lips that fades by the time sunlight knocks on the window

7• she texts you, then she texts you not.
she tweets your slangs and quote your favorite song lyrics and you Turn her notifications to on off on off on off on on on on !

6 • Too many plans too little swimming pools.

5 • turns out placing rings on people's finger doesn't help you keep them  

4 • Blackhole inside a blackhole inside a tunnel you wish it was more physically harmful than soul abusing i thought I've known better                
    
3 • breaking your surface to one and your heart for two Making love to visual screens  and screenshots it's not supposed to make sense, but you probably know what i mean

2 • Wearing funeral black since last   Thursday noon and Sunday                                           morning seeing you wearing the same    breaks my heart.

   1 • Remember when I counted down til the day i meet you when we started texting, isn't it ironic now that I'm counting our poem down to an end , I'd laugh but I missed the punchline since that 12th of January

I remember so many things
So many things that shouldn't even matter to me
*“My mind's memory is worse than my randomly saved screenshots.”

All those fights and bad qualities about you start to fade
But I still have the screenshots of how many times you bade
My existence in your life, that we'd give it once more try
That you're sorry and your sorry and you hope I'm doing fine
And then change your mind
As you harass and beg
But those times didn't happen
Don't speak ill of the dead

Now all our old friends are texting and calling
Sympathy overwhelming as my heart is falling
Down to my stomach to boil in acid
"have you heard"
"Are you ok"
"have you heard"
"Are you ok"
And I say I'm sorry
I don't know how to feel
I'm not even sure if any of this is real

I didn't know him any longer
And how much he went through change
Living in his family's prejudice cage
He ran into traffic in a drunken rage

Now I look at my past
And the messages we exchanged
How he begged for me back
And said his life wouldn't be the same
That he dreams of me every night
And how he'll never find someone like me
I remember our fights and how this all came to be

I remember how his family would look at me
With love and with pity
How I was so handsome, it was a shame I was gay,
How I was a bad influence on their son and how I "made him this way."
I remember sitting every holiday alone
while he went to family dinners
the weight of them explaining my relation to the family was too much to bare
I won't be at the funeral either
I'm assuming that's only fair.
They never wanted me there.

One day I'll visit your grave
And ask the tombstones "why?"
And get a response similar to yours
Although a little more dry
I can't cry

Maybe he is watching me,
I think about that a lot
In my new life
It's been 5 years on the dot.
He still wasn't over me
"I don't think he ever will be."
said his Nana under the old oak tree.

Israel was fallen
By a GMC Sierra
As I watch from afar
This ending of an era

We're both going through withdrawals
It's ****
It's harder than ever before 
Because not only do we have the now 'normal' **** to deal with
The hundreds of miles separating us
Playing phone tag (I hate that ******* game)
Swiping through phone albums of saved screenshots
Trying so hard to keep your face vibrant and alive in my day dreams 
But we now have our bodies against us

You're a ****
-ted to nicotine
I'm not
But I get it
I understand the **** this week is dragging you through
These last 3 days have made you
angry
angsty
and anxious
I know you don't want to be
I know it won't go away over night
But I know it's worth it.

It is so ******* worth any phone conversation cut short
Any borderline emotional breakdowns 
Any urge to throw **** off the balcony
Or scream at harmless birds
To know that our grown up lives won't be cut short

I'm so sorry I can't give my whole self to you. Over time, bits and pieces have been broken off and never returned. I can't give you everything that I want to give. I want to give you my heart, my everything. You deserve so much love. You deserve all of my love. I'll spend the rest of our time together apologizing for reasons you won't know about. Let me. I will write apologies on your lips with mine, on your shoulders with my fingertips, on your heart with my fragile one. There are so many walls, B. I put them up in a matter of days. It wasn't hard, their shadows still showed in the grass. Every time you say you love me, a brick falls. They crash at your feet. Don't let them fall on your toes. Just move them to the side, make a pile and cover them with tarp. I don't want to see them. I don't want to be reminded anymore. All I want is memories with you. Maybe that's why I take so many photos of your smile or screenshots of your texts. I want to remember every single thing. You've given me some of the best memories I've ever had the privilege to remember. You.
I love you. I love you. I love you.