I. '88 dakota
mondays still suck. granted i don't get up at the crack of dawn no more but around noon i always feel the need to leave the rest of the day behind me and take the big red monster out and go to the beach and contemplate my life for hours, so i'll reach into my tattered 35 year old prada bag for a lanyard that says "nirvana" on it (like the band, not the stage of buddhism), but then i remember that gas guzzler and i got 337 miles between us, no more, no less.
on wednesdays i feel like i've shifted into an alternate universe where there are things other than evergreen trees and dirt roads, where the view when i look out the window is an interstate and dagger-like icicles that are as tall as me. maybe it started when they took down the texaco star in freeland and maybe it started the day i left, but i'm not sure if i can remember what home feels like anymore.
i still miss you on thursdays, sometimes saturdays. i know, i thought i woulda found someone better by now too till i realized that i'd been giving myself false hope this entire time. no one will ever be you. no one's teeth will curve the same way. no one will ever love the home teams as much as you. no one will ever smile as hard when i give them my last kit-kat in a strip mall parking lot at sunset. they drink to dak prescott and spit wintergreen griz more than you ever did. i thought i would find someone better until i walked into the coldest part of heaven with some crinkled twenty dollar bills and a carharrt jacket.
My country's split apart.
And here I am, somewhere else
Relaxing from the start.
My country's president is crazy.
She's selfish, rude and lazy
But here I am, worthless and powerless
Can't do anything for my country.
I'd like to go back there
And do something. Anything!
But I'm still young. Like a broken string.
Who can't do anything but sit and draw.
And read and write.
I really do want to go back home. I do.
It's 12:35 and I'm missing you
In a way, I am missing you all the time
But it's worse here because the sky is bleached
And the heavens has no stars that shine.
This thought scares me
For there's nothing that makes me feel nearer to you,
I hope you're up still
looking at the empty sky just like I do
I've heard people who are away from each other say-
"at least we're under the same sky"
but we're not,
because it doesn't rain here the way it does back home,
the sun isn't warm enough to tingle my bones.
the sky here bends to meet buildings and towers,
not the hills and mountains and their wonder
So I say-
"but we're not. the sky here is different."
As a child
I used to cry in my mom's arms.
I remember it vividly,
I was about six or seven years old.
Telling her that "I want to go home,"
Before I broke into sobs.
I don't recall what my thought process was,
Or what possessed me to break down and cry.
I hadn't moved in years.
It was like I was watching myself from far away.
And I've always felt homesick
For a home I've never had.
And I don't know
If being homesick had anything to do
With watching the sunset alone in a tree
I was always so bad at climbing,
Until I could only see purple and teal spots
After it finally set.
And I don't know
If home is better described
As watching the sunset,
But from the inside?
And I don't know,
If being homesick
Is really that important,
But I know that every time,
It had to do with
Not believing this place on Earth was really mine.
But what I do know about being homesick
Is that I don't really get it,
Because I haven't really been homesick
Since I met you.
Because ever since we clicked,
Whether it be now or then,
I haven't been homesick,
And I don't want that to end.
Who she was exists no more
Moved ahead and closed the door
But n'vr shall she forget those days
They haunt and linger, hardly stray
She was a lassie who from birth
Cherished the sea with joy and mirth
Treasuring it's beauty above all else
All of its water, sand and shells
Out of the channel she'd sail her rig
Her heartbeat dancing a little jig
The ocean her lover and she it's bride
She'd plow it's depths so blue and wide
At home on her ship she'd search for air
Driving it outward as hard as she dared
Her happiness growing with every mile
Never a sorrow, only a smile
But all good things will meet their end
Changes come and you must bend
For nothing is ever meant to last
You roll and play the die that's cast
So when you find a chapter ends
And melancholy your best friend
Don't think upon it as Goodbye
Till memories fade or you have died
Written By Sara Fielder © 1998
your eyes were made for wandering
but please stay homesick
for your bed will always be made
just in case you need some warmth
my fridge will hold your favourite fruits
I’ll keep them fresh forever
and according to the gravity of your mood
I have red and white wines to ease the night
countless candles and I’d love to make a bonfire
if ever you’re in need of light
for your heart I’ll be a refuge
even if you flew
out of sight
months ago i left my home
because it was a tragedy.
the place where i never felt alone
starts to feel so crowded and heavy.
so i wrote my lines into your palm
and you took me everywhere you go.
walking to the middle of east & north,
unsure of where we would end up but we knew we currently stand
and that what truly matters, right?
there were times when i would miss my childhood bed
but you offered me your chest
and suddenly i refused to lay down somewhere other than you.
there were times when i would miss
them and their memories
but you make each moment of my past before you
unworthy of reminiscing for the lack of euphoria they hold.
and there would nights where i would miss being okay
because we are constantly moving
city to city in a world where i don't wanna stand in
but you, for just being you, make me glad to be alive.
and the stars hide at night
for they would always be set aside
because i will always favor your eyes.
but there were also nights
where you'd forget to hide the cracks of your sin.
and the light that escapes your broken lines
shines through the dark night, keeping me away from sleep.
there goes your light
shining from your interior
it was so bright as can be,
it blinded me from reality.
you were a hypnotic drug
that commands my feet to follow
you wherever you go.
i gave you my nights & rhymes
and all you gave me is toxic fumes.
you had me the moment your secondhand smoke entered my body
and you marked me the moment your
toxic-laced smoke clouded my air.
your heart and my heart
are now located at the ends of a line.
like intersecting lines,
we were once perfect at one point
but for some reason,
we had drifted from each other.
all i could stare it is the starry night
but i don't like stars,
i don't know where we are
and i don't know where to go
though, i'm glad as hell i wasn't where i used to be.
there are nights where you'll suddenly throw rocks at my window.
the moment you'll lay your head on my shoulders,
it will always feel like home.
you were home
and just like my previous one,
you are a tragedy.