jack of spades

jack of spades Nov 2019

see, i've never been good at letting things die.
my heart has been fractured into all the fragments needed
to carry every single person that has ever laid it to waste,
ever made a home there.
if i just keep holding out hope, everyone will come back around,
right? i don't know how to guard my heart.
not when i never ask for the broken pieces back.
i don't know how to take people out of my life,
not without letting them take a piece of me
with them. what if they come home
one day? what if they don't?

owo whats this? a new hellopoetry post??

#mcr #return

Sep 2019

avalon

fragment #28

a sort of desperation rises from the pit in my stomach and my hand darts out to catch her as she turns. “liza, i--”

“no!” she yanks away. “you can’t just come back here like this.” she looks to the side, looking at anything but me. “i can’t handle this, nick,” she whispers. “i can’t handle you.” her eyes are shining when they finally meet mine. “you and i, we’re too much. i can’t think about anything when i’m with you, and you,” she trails off and takes another step towards the door. “you never think at all.”

jack of spades Mar 2019

stop motion sour

purse your lips for sour stinging kisses like lemons left too long in the sun,
homemade lemonade without enough sugar,
just the coating of gummy worms burning your tongue with redhot sweetness.
surround yourself not just with gold but yellow,
like the sun
like the lemon peel
like star trek command uniforms (original series, captain kirk loyalty)
like daffodils and sunflowers faces turned up on the prairie
like bright, obnoxious, bumbling, highlighter yellow,
satiate your sweet tooth with speckles of summers past, bright spots in the memory bank.
purse your lips for sour stinging kisses like honeybees in chapstick.

jack of spades Mar 2019

spring equinox

i woke up with daisies in my hair,
sunflowers sprouting from my closet,
someone telling me that i do not fit
with the color yellow. i have never
felt lighter, though, like i'm finally turning
back into apollo after a winter in the waves,
icarus out at sea. honeysuckle lipgloss,
cherry nails, coke can. i cannot wait for
summer, but for now, spring is more
than enough. the sun is setting on an
equinox, a changing. i can feel the roots
settling and sprouting and blossoms
unfurling.

jack of spades Mar 2019

Sun Tattoo

I am Apollo in the way that I have always been Persephone:
When the sun sets as November gives way, leaves the world dark until the last dredges of February
have swirled down the drain of March,
I crawl into my lover's arms to wait out the chill.
When spring whispers through the incoming blooming trees,
gives kisses that taste like the promise of June,
I don the colors of the sunrise, of noon, of freckles and bare knees, and embrace the warmth of eternal fire.
I am Apollo in the way that I have always been Persephone,
the way the breeze twists my moods with the slightest chill, how love is found in flowers grown in fields sown with blood,
how my darling knows the ways that the seasons change me,
how he waits for the sun to thaw me and bring life back into me,
the way my mother awaits my homecoming, watching the end of winter eagerly for my arrival and spring.

Nov 2018

avalon

fragment #23

“why would you intentionally allow someone to wield power over you? you step perfectly in place for them to checkmate you.”

“yes,” i say with a smile. “that’s the point.”

she scowls. “losing?”

“giving enough of yourself to another person that you have something to lose.”

jack of spades Aug 2018

HAPPYCRUSHINGLONELY

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY,
just want the light feeling to stay.
i don't want to feel this heavycrushinglonely,
don't want to be summer sad.
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY
IN THE WAY THAT THE ADDAMS FAMILY IS,
IN THE WAY THAT THE GRAND CANYON IS,
IN THE WAY THAT IT SEEMS LIKE
everyone else already is.
i just want to be happy.
i just wish that i knew how to feel light.
i wish that i wasn't heavycrushinglonely,
that i had adventures and memories and smiles.
i wish my friends wanted to do more than just
drink and play video games in their apartment
that is suffocating with the smell of chase's vape
and cold and too cozy. i wish my friends did more
of that "aimlessly driving with the windows down,
the music blaring," but more importantly, i wish
that in those instances i could just stay in time.
i spend too much time stuck in my own mind,
and i don't know how to get out anymore.
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.
i just don't know how to make that choice,
how to stick with it.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE LONELY.
I JUST WANT--
i don't know. i don't really know
what answers i'm looking for.
i just know that i've been
heavycrushinglonely for too long now.
what's the alternative to that, if not happy?

im glad that summer is almost over
it's my favorite season but the memories are miserable
at least when there's snow i have an excuse to be sad