I want you, but I'm okay with your essence
Basking in your scent long after your presence
The pursuit of my happiness
Seems to wrapped up in your arms
Yet I'm wrapped up
And you seem to be gone
Our fate is as good as whitewashed
Unwritten history in the making
Sanitized love
I give and you're taking
I should never be ok with half
When whole is available
I was ok with your essence
Until it became untraceable

i've currently
many
many
thunderstorms inside of me
and i'm learning
how to
rain
people often see the sunshine
and forget
that lightening
brings brightness
to the dark
as well
or that
thunder wants to be heard
just as much as the birds
and
dark clouds
are really just as soft as
the white ones
i've currently
many
many
thunderstorms inside of me
and i am no longer scared
of getting wet
i seek shelter within myself
here is where i
reign

he wasn’t expecting my lips to be so warm

nor my heart to be so cold

he wanted to go by what he felt

and not believe what he was told

My mental capacity is reaching its max
Ideas don't develop to their full potential like they used to, leaving them in a minor state
They can't be touched by man without it considered to be molestation
My words are virgins, seeking to be sought
But this isn't the place to be a wanted thought
The world doesn't want truth, and they're nothing but innocent
Truth is inevitable but unfortunately, it's not prevalent
We prefer the ugly in the lies, and treat it like a *****
Show it the love that is only deserved to be seen by a woman that you've taken the hands of in the face of the All Mighty.
You **** it. **** it. Lick it dry.
Oh the amount of love you're willing to show, to something like a lie
"But it's right there"
That's your only excuse
Because you're way too lazy to seek the beauty of the naked truth
We're removing the sweetness from the sugar
And the melodies from the songs
All to try to belong in a world that has no problem with moving right on along
Without us
This isn't how it's supposed to be
We're supposed to feel the softness on the rugged trunks of the trees
We're supposed to sing with the wind and hum with the bees
We're supposed to write on the skies using the ink provided by our seas
But we're not.
This is how the story goes
This is how the end unfolds
With that incomplete feeling
That undeveloped thought
Cause my words are nothing but virgins…seeking to be sought.

after a while everything about them fades

the hand holding

the kisses

the I love you mores

and the

you hang up firsts

time erases it all

it turns it into a memory

and eventually a blur

the feel of you against me

faded

I lost the outline of your lips

so why is it

that I can still

trace the outline

of your voice

when it is silent

before I sleep?

they say that time flies

they are wrong

with every second that I spend

with you

I know that they are wrong

it is us that fly

it is me

it is you

they say time flies as an expression of its limitless nature

me and you have no boundaries

we are

when we are

where we are

we

are

always

they say time flies

but with each tick

with each tock

I am sure it is us

we fly

we are

infinite

I'll follow you into the dark tonight.
I'll serenade you with lies so sweet you'll lick them up until the last drop.
I have no real intentions and we have no future.
But with my reassuring lies, I'll stitch away any insecurity you may have.
I'll mend every single last doubt.
Rest assured, beautiful. I'll lie until you feel good.
When you're at your best point, I'll kick you.
I'll kick you until you fall.
But when you're down, I promise to pick you up.
I'll hold you.
I'm a beautiful liar. You won't see past me.
Blinded by my dark brown eyes.
Hypnotized by my soft pink lips.
I'm screaming not to trust me.
But you will always come back.
And I will never let you go.

She’s not me, I’m nothing like her.

****, she’s gorgeous.

You’re so in love with her. It’s beautiful, really.

I watch myself in the background of my mind, and comfort me as I cry. I deserve that love.

I deserve you.

I run into you again some odd months later.

I smile in your face and congratulate you on your new found happiness.

You tell me that you’ve never met anyone like her.

Yeah, I’m sure you haven’t.

You tell me how deep in love you are and I smile from ear to ear. Hearing the happiness that lingers in your voice always makes me smile.

You give me a tight hug and thank me for my well wishes upon you two’s new found relationship and say you’ve got to run.

I nodded my head, said goodbye and walked off in the opposite direction. My heart racing, your hugs always had the ability to do that… I continued walking, and ignored your scent that found a way to make itself cozy on my clothes and soon after, in my nose.

I fought away the tears as I continued trekking along to where I was going. I couldn’t let the city see me cry.

A few years later, on my day off, as I’m sitting on near the windowsill reading the daily newspaper with my slight after noon cup of tea, I got this nervous feeling in my gut.

Then a thought of you.

Pulling myself together, I shook away the thought and quickly found something to focus on.

I look out of the front window of my lonely home and hear the faint tires of the mailman driving away from my mailbox.

I gather myself and I walk rather swiftly down the steaming hot driveway and up to the mailbox to gather todays bills and some of yesterdays payments.

Shuffling through the envelopes, bill..bill..bill..

Your name?

Her name?

Official seal?

My heart races and all I can think about is the word “no”.

I feel my hot tea resurfacing as though it didn’t like its place in my stomach. And almost as if it was right on cue, a tear rolls down my cheek..

Still.. I continue to open the letter.

My hands are trembling and I’m biting my bottom lip clinging onto it with my top teeth as though my life depended on it.

“The honor of your noble presence has been requested at the marriage of… “

I dropped everything. I couldn’t read anymore.

My heart burst into flames and my body emitted a tiny involuntary whimper.

I walked inside, this time unaware of the heat rising from the pavement.

I sat down in the middle of the floor in my house of loneliness, and I cried.

Tear after tear, sob after sob, sniffle after sniffle. I cried.

Unable to move..unable to speak. I just.. cried.

I thought of what we could’ve been and the time that we shared.  

The time that obviously meant nothing.

The time that I should’ve never cherished.

The least that you could do is stay out of my dreams.

I should’ve seen it coming. Lord knows I should have. But I didn’t. And now I’m stuck in the shadow of her perfection as you bind yourself in unity before G-d and the congregation.

She’s perfect.

I’m jealous.

She has you.

I deserve you.

this morning, at 3:17

I was laying on your chest

awake

listening to your heartbeat

and I realized that

it is no longer my favorite song

goodbye

I fear nothing more
Than repeating
My past
Cause the one thing
It's shown
Me
Is that
Forever
Does not
Last

And I think I'll call these the lost nights.

The nights where the silence is all consuming. Shapeshifting into black holes.

The only light at the end of this tunnel used to be the sound of your voice.

But now I'm stuck between the four walls of my mind that taunt me with the secrets they hold in the form of my memories.

The most prevalent one says that you'll never call.

So far it's been right. Sometimes I ignore it.. But nights like these, it ricochets like gunshots. Screaming to be more than heard..

Screaming to be felt.

And once again I'm reminded that I'd rather it be your voice that broke the silence instead of my memory of it.

I think I'll call these the lost nights.

You don’t need to be deep to write. I found you can swim for hours through the depths of the most shallow person, so long as they’re honest.

There’s a simplicity in honesty, that’s what captures people. Not navigating through mazes of big words and made up metaphors that don’t make sense.

When you write, write lightly. Let your honesty leave the impact.

I wish you came with an instruction manual, because loving you makes no sense.

I take that back because even if you did it would probably be written in German.

I try to put together pieces and all I see is handle with care but when I reach out, your body language says "don't touch me there." Not physically, not emotionally, and when I try mentally you yell "get out of my brain." Even in the same atmosphere our breathing is not the same.

I cling to your exhale and forget that I need to inhale. I pray that you're alive not worried about my imminent death, because once again, loving you just doesn't make sense.

Maybe if you had come with subtitles, I could love you better. So that I could read what you say instead of hear it, since the two never seem to be the same.

You make me feel deaf. And that would be okay if only American Sign Language was enough to make you stay. Why can't you just say how you feel so I can feel what you say?

You drown me with complacency and get mad when I can't stay afloat.  You're screaming you can't handle this yet ask me why I'm walking towards the door.

We were supposed to be two beats, and one heart. I was supposed to love you right, but I don't know how..

You came with no instruction manual.

Loving you just doesn't make sense.

First it’s, “I don’t have time”, and then it's, “can I talk to you for a minute?”.
But if I say yes, will you tell me your regrets?
Will you switch the song tune, can I sing along with you?
How about we harmonize your precious lies, that intricately constructed my hearts demise?
Let’s add up all the seconds that you didn’t have, put them in an hourglass and go back the past.
The past you told me to leave alone, because it’s dark outside, and you want to come home.
It wasn’t me, it was you.
It wasn’t you it was us, so I let go and now you’re looking for my trust? 
So now I’m supposed to look past your flaws and into your eyes? 
Isn’t it funny how time flies?
Don’t tell me about myself, or who you think I’ve become. 
I’m not mad, I’m not spiteful, the only thing I am, is done.

you told me I could tell you anything.

and from my tongue slipped chaos.

broken consonants, faulty vowels, damaged syllables.

from my heart slipped shattered feelings that cradled every word that was to be delivered to your sensitive ears.

I spoke unto you everything that was hidden.

I brought them back to life and served them to you on a platter so silver you can see my innocence fading from your eyes looking back at you as you stared in it.

and from my soul slipped trust.

and into your hands it entered.

and then I was safe.

you may not have understood.

but you listened.

and that was more than I could do for myself.

It’s scary looking at someone that has every element and characteristic that you’ve asked G-d for in your most intimate prayers…

There’s something so nerve wrecking about looking someone in the eye and loving every piece of them without them even opening their mouths.

Realizing that you’re the ultimate side piece for it is from his side that you were created. He assures you of your position when he whispers, “I’ve found my rib” in your ear and takes your hand while he makes a vow to love you… And love you…
And love you.

And when they do, you stumble hand in hand 6 feet deeper into graves set in juxtaposition because so help me G-d not even death will do us part.

No.

How was this made for me?

When did you do this G-d?

Did he ask for me too?

I don’t have to, sit by the window anxiously awaiting a package anymore.
G-d delivered, my exclusive mailman. 

Shipping was free.

I just had to believe.

I wanted my passion back..
This was who I was, and I wanted her to visit.
Even for a brief moment, so I can kiss myself on the forehead upon my return.
And actually say goodbye when she decided to leave.
I wanted her back.
My passion.
I wanted my poetry.. Back.
She fled from me.
Lost underneath the city sky, with false illumination from street cars named desire.
There was no North Star for her to follow, no way for her to venture back to my heart.
Like a turtle needing the moon to be led to the sea, I doubted she would ever make it back home
Extinction was the roughest of all possibilities but to mourn the loss of a love held selfish tendencies
I only missed her cause of how she made me feel not because of who she was or who she could have been
The manifestation of my pent up frustration came to set me free
Just pull the trigger
Nobody will miss her
Oh say can you see- what I am saying?
All I wanted was my passion back.
And it wasn't until I found G-d that I heard three knocks on the door saying

Here
I
Am

She met him in the wrong place at the wrong time. But in that moment, her life was perfect. Everything was right. The stars were aligned perfectly against the black velvet sky, and the offspring of the moon sang sweet songs in her ears.  The wind was crisp and cold, and it played in her dark silky hair, games of endearment. He drew her in closely, to protect her from the cold. And she submitted to his efforts to save her from the harmless winds, because deep down she knew that the cold and her were good, good friends.

Oh, he was no good. And she knew it. But he felt good, and she knew that too. So she swooned in those arms, those hard muscled, soft skinned, light brown strong arms. Everyone told her no, they knew he was wrong but why listen to the wrong when the right is telling you not to get left? So she ignored their warnings and in love with him she fell.

Yes, she knew he was nothing more than a bad apple, but she couldn't resist her desire to bite down into its flesh, and go to town until she got to the core. She had no desire to finish, not until he planted his seed.

But the seed bore a tree that never grew. It withered and it died.
She's bitter, she cries.
It was the wrong place at the wrong time.

last night
I came to the conclusion
that
every time you leave, I
die a little inside
and
I don’t want to tell you
‘cause
if you knew
I’m not sure whether you’d
stay in effort to keep me alive
or if you’d
keep on leaving until I’m

dead

I uncap my pen in sheer expectation of the thoughts that I have of you to free themselves from the confines of my mind.

I want to write you.
I want to write to you.
I want to write about you.

I think I'm ready.

God's best construction to date was the pathway that led me to you. I am so thankful for the rugged pavement turned yellow brick road that led me to the comfort of your heart made of gold.

I want to learn you.
I want to memorize you.
I want to feel you.

I think I'm ready.

At your peak, you are grace. Full of forgiveness and mercy. At your plateau you are love, consistent and steady.

I want to hold you.
I want to know you.
I want to love you.

I am ready.

You don't feel my pain,
what a coincidence
because neither do I.

Hot tears caress my skin,
they roll off my chin and
glisten in the air in the split second that they find life
before they hit the floor.

They're followed by my heart,
my lifeless, yet still beating heart
that was forcefully torn out of my chest with your emotionless hands.

It's only when we were at our highest
that things start to fall
don't tell me you don't notice it.

Don't tell me you don't notice!

Nothing makes sense to me anymore,
why are you smiling when I'm in pain
we used to be one.

Reality is vague now,
everything is so dark.

Death is taking place in my soul
and I know in this moment, that it is imminent,
that's why it's okay, everything dies.

You.
Me.
Us.
…Me.

I guess time can only tell,
but it seems like I can't tell time
because I didn't see this coming.

Did you?

There was a point in time where we basked in each others similarities.
So I guess now it's only right for us to die in each others differences.

I would follow you into the dark.
If it meant being with you, if you could promise me it meant being with you.
I would follow you into the dark.
I wouldn’t dare look for light.
I would shadow my soul.
I would shadow my thoughts.
Just as long as I can rest assured in your arms.
To be guaranteed that part of your life would belong to me…
If that’s what it meant.
I would follow you into the dark.
I wouldn’t bear arms.
And I’d let go of all my armor.
There’s nothing more fragile than a naked soul.
And I find that I’d strip mine for you.
I’d pick away the insecurities.
I’d chisel away the fears.
I’d wash away the hurt.
All that my soul has come to know.
I’d let go of, for you.
I’m sure you’d never do such a thing for me though.
Would you?
Would you promise me?
No.. stop. Wait.
Nobody I know has ever kept their promises.
So don’t promise me anything.
I don’t ask for much..no.
I give more than enough..yes.
Why not reciprocate the feelings?
They’ll feel better when they’re mutual.
I promise.
So close your eyes.
Open your heart.
Hand me your soul.
Empty your head.
I will lead you into the dark instead.

I would write you a poem

to tell you how I feel

but when you left

the melodic flow that

passionately pieced

my words together

followed you

out

the

door

Sing to me.

Even if your voice is raspy,

And you can not sing,

Love me enough to sing to me,

In the dark,

As you take my hand,

And lead me into your arms.

Sing to me your favorite song,

Or of the fears that plagued you when you were young.

I will memorize the melody,

As I listen to the vibrations,

That your vocal chords conjure up,

As I lean my head against your chest.

Let your insecurities lay at my feet,

And sing to me.

And if you can’t bring yourself to do so,

I’m willing to listen to you hum.

there are a few things

about death that

frighten me

the sound of the shriek my mother will make

and the

permanent frown my dad will have

every time he stares into the distance

and the

tear drop that will stain my siblings cheeks

every night

and the

lump that will never leave

my best friends throat

there are a few things

about death that

frighten me

and

none of them happen to be

dying

What about if I dared you? Would you run away with me then? You seem like a risk taker. Im all yours, if you're all in. We could skip town, I doubt they'd even notice. Just listen to me, please.. Baby, don't lose focus. Now picture this, me and you forgetting about what plagues us. Not remembering the pain, living in the now. Tell me this, when was the last time you woke up, willing to get out of your cozy bed, because everything surrounding you just seemed so much...cozier? When? Baby, happiness would be abundant and we would be infinite. Freedom would come naturally, imagine not being limited! All we have is each other, because that's all we really need. It's all we'll ever have, so why not let it be?

I promise I'll pick someplace nice. I know you, I know what you'd like. Imagine every time you heard silence, you could pick up on G-ds whispers through the trees. Imagine seeing green as for as your eyes would allow. Imagine falling asleep on a luscious grass plain, me in your arms, engulfed by the beauty of our surroundings. Being swallowed by sweet air, and wrapped inside the darkness of the night. Without a care in the world. Baby doesn't it sound lovely?

Let's just pick up everything and go. All of our money, some of our clothes. Come one baby.. let's get out of here.

Baby... Promise me that if I ask, promise me you'll pick dare.

We are not light switches
Our relationship should not be off and on
If you want me
Let me know
If you do not want me
Let me know

And then..

And then he calls me baby,
As he places gently one hand along the right side of my waist
Pulling me into himself
Placing his forehead down upon mine so that he can look me directly into my eyes
Returning the stare with his big brown eyes
Letting me know that right now?
We're on.
Making me believe that this time, we might be on forever

And then..

And then he kisses me, and I’m sure
My body eases up from the tense stance I took in order to back up the seriousness in my voice, starting from my shoulders,
making it’s way down to my knees
I am weak
He knows what to do when we do what it do.

But in the morning...
He wakes up and he...
He doesn’t kiss me like he did the night before when he knew he was wrong, when he convinced me over and over that this time,
we were on

I roll over and let my feet dangle a few inches from the floor,
My body draped in the blanket that held last nights secrets and wasted tears...



The sun shines through the window and onto my skin

.
There's a certain darkness in the light it provides...

I feel it.
We're off again.

It's hard to get your heart at ease when your brain doesn't seem to rest
The would've been, has been, and could've beens take over any sense of tranquility that your mind had its eyes set on and destroy the reality of the paths your feet walk on.
Everything is distorted.
Lies become the most prevalent form of communication, leaving reality to become the downfall of our nation.
Let freedom ring, there's no truth to what's been sung, because we're trapped in our minds and we can't even run.
Succumbing ourselves to the limitations of the norm, we fail to succeed in the destiny put forth to us by the only Man that really matters.
We pretend that whats already been written for us is really our own to write, turning our destiny and our fate into our own demise.
It's hard to sleep when you know your brain is wide awake, plotting the steps you were never meant to take.

My mind woke up, and its first thought was you.
Then my heart rubbed the grogginess out of its eyes and readjusted itself to the newness of the morning.
The instant it realized what my mind was thinking, a pang shot out all through it and it started to ache.
It was reminding me of why I shouldn't.
My heart and head do this every morning, and every morning I make them stop.
It's too draining to deal with on a daily basis.
My mind should know better by itself now, but it’s willing to break every single last rule when it comes to you.
Have you no mercy upon me? Upon my heart? Upon my mind?
Have you no compassion for the pain that you put me through?
Most mornings I feel guilty, as though I should go back to sleep, but there’s no point seeing as you take over my dreams too.

It’s always you, and I’m convinced that it always will be.

I go to sleep, it’s you.

In my dreams? You.

When I wake up... It’s no other than you.

The cycle is vicious.
You’ve overstayed your visit.

Please… just pack your bags and be gone, my head no longer wants to be your home.

I want to lay in the dark

tell you all my secrets

and listen to yours

I don’t want you to reply

or try to console me

and I promise not to do the same

because silence is golden

but true beauty lies in listening

and when we are both done speaking

I want to kiss your lips lightly

so that you know I understand

then I will roll over so that my back is turned to you

and I want you to turn into me

you will place your arm around me

and pull me into you

I want you to trace along my shoulders

and kiss me so lightly

that I shiver

and then I want to sleep

in your arms

I just want to sleep

he kept picking away at me

and when I told him to stop

he would kiss me lightly and say

“I’m almost there”

day and night

he would pick away

and eventually

I got used to it

I started to help him

not knowing what he was looking for

I began to pick at myself

until the floor beneath us

was coated in gravel

dust in the air

together, we would pick away

but one day

I was just so tired

so I stopped

and out of nowhere

I began to laugh uncontrollably

tears rolling down my face

unable to catch my breath

he began to laugh with me

until he suddenly stopped picking too

for the first time

he stopped

he took my face in his hands

and held it

then, he stared at my smile

and into my eyes

then once more at my smile

and he smiled

as he pulled me into him and whispered

there it is

I’m here

Your words are impactful because you only speak them when deemed necessary by your spirit. You never speak to hear yourself, and you never listen without hearing. When you talk your eyes wander... I think it's inside of yourself that you look. You always seem to go deeper than the surface of your thoughts. You understand that the last piece holds more value than the first.

You always crave more and in your silence I know there is searching.

Even in your silence there is life.

I wonder sometimes, if you see the warm blue light that encompasses your spirit. Ready for embrace. Calm and swiftly moving, steadily with peace, holding many of the same characteristics of a river. Smoothing over the jagged rocks that you come across. Whether they be people or situations.

Bursting at the seams with humility, you are love at it's finest point of being, you're G-ds example of the fact that love is living. That He is living. For He is love...

By that I am amazed.

Thank you.

What’s sad is that
I’m deeper than every seed you’ve ever sown
Planted in you
Yet we never seem to grow
And I could write you ten thousand novels
About how we’re meant to be
I could swim to the bottom of the
Deep blue sea
And you still wouldn’t see
That it’s supposed to be me
That I’m supposed to say oui
Trying to turn a boy into a man
I find myself on bended knee
-----------------------------------------
Sunsets and swing sets
Wearing our Sunday’s best
Taking a deep Sunday snooze
After both being blessed
But I cannot rest
I must confess
I cannot stress it enough
I have been tested enough
I know I’m coming off strong
But I don’t mean to be rough
It’s just
It’s just
It’s just
I don’t know what to do with the tears anymore
Besides bottle them up
And use them to water
Every seed you’ve ever sown
In the garden of our love,
Maybe one day
We’ll grow
Maybe one day your soul
Will reach mine in eternity
Finally joining hand in hand
To plant itself in a soil so fertile
That people will be forced to call our love
The promised land

I was in an abusive relationship once.. But it was a bit different.

You see, he was always the last thing on my mind before I went to sleep, and the first thing on my mind when I woke up.

He used to kiss me softly every night before I went to sleep.

He used to wake me up gently in the mornings and make me breakfast. He would run my bath water to the perfect temperature.

He used to escort me to the bus stop before work when the sun was yet to relieve the night sky of its shift.

He was always there. He lived in my mind and that's where he birthed complacency.

His first name was What, and his last name was If.

He never gave me time to myself, he never let me speak.

I tried to walk out on him. I swear I did, but he'd visit me at 4 a.m. and I would simply let him in. He would keep me up all night, forcing himself on me... In me. He wouldn't leave when I cried get out.

I was in an abusive relationship once, as scary as it is, I might still be.

All this time I thought it was a man, but what if, What If is a she?

What if all this time it was myself?

I've finally came to see.

What if all this time, What If is really me?