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 Feb 2019 karen
cait-cait
learn to cradle yourself
in your own arms,

be strong, because
your mother loves you, and your
sisters love you,
                             more than i
can ever say.

and…
your body is not temple, because
you exist to survive.
so cherish yourself, and one day,
someone else will…

and it won’t be painful, the
way that things are painful
now.

so bear your teeth,
                                 but wear a crown,
you shouldn’t
bite yourself just to cry...
im so stressed **** me
 May 2018 karen
cait-cait
exposed and vulnerable
i
don’t have healing hands ,

i force delicacy
from fingertips meant to break ,
and
have tried to heal things
i should’ve shot .
                              .
you always felt a bit cold to me
                                     scarred ,

so
i pray to god
that
you never try to tell him
what i’ve tried to
do //
good luck on finals everyone!
 Mar 2018 karen
cait-cait
sadness has been eating me alive
since before i can
remember —

i was bathed in a blue tub
on a yellow table .
as mom smiled and i laughed ,

and  
i remember
nights  
i was loved ,

but
sunlight still seemed to stream on
brown carpet
or on black and white tiled floor,
as
i grew up , or
it rained ///

and
i remember
each
and every
girl ive been,
crying red
and blue .

always ;
i looked at all our toys ,
high up on our mantel

in yellows, blacks,
and
pinks:

i have grown

and yet ;
i remember
there was
me
.
im falling apart, i want to write so desperately
 Mar 2018 karen
cait-cait
i want to touch
your body
like a man in heat —

rub fingers up your legs .
kiss peach butter lips,
and make you
sing,

i wasn’t made to be in love ,
i think .
.
i was made to be
loved :

like a feather, or
a death.

i will run
my entire life.

we bloom in summer.
for Emily.
 Mar 2018 karen
cait-cait
i
dreamt of love
my whole life.

boys, barbies, and all of me :
.
tiny cuts in the system,
tiny wishes
and
perfection

where
i thought love was
creation;

pink cutout cardboard and
subtraction of all
flaws .

but love is just kinetics ,
warmth and
confusion .

love is when it’s
cold
and your cheeks sting and
you look up at the sky
and
you smile ,

knowing
you can dream of love
and still
live.
I’m figuring some stuff out about myself that’s really hard to accept.
 Sep 2017 karen
cait-cait
who was i
to you
?

on that blown up
leather couch
and streaky,
sheet-less
bed,

who was i
if not the person
i explained

and who were you
to
imagine me on
my knees
?

don't forget -
youll love me forever
,

that pretty girl
in gray and
blue
who couldve loved you
back :

and
don't forget -
you killed her.
the date i went on a while ago has traumatized me in a way i don't think ill recover from, everything hurts now.. and i just want my grandpa to die.
 Aug 2017 karen
cait-cait
i met a mermaid
once, at
sea
...
as
a little girl:

snaggle-toothed
and salty,
she sang songs in
the
      sun,

and i loved her:

for
her hair like
spun,
         white
                  sugar,

and pearl-fluorescent
skin,

and
i know her song,

a song of seaweed and
green sailors
and the
life
i
nearly
           lived
...


but i was caught,
one day,
in gray hues
                      while i was
basking,
starry eyed,
.
and
almost slimy with
love,

when
         my father found her,
                                            and
.
beat
her
to
death.
when i was little my dad took me to his boat a lot and i always hated it. i also really love mermaids, so in this i used them as a metaphor for dreams. tomorrow (july 9th) is my birthday!
 Sep 2016 karen
cait-cait
red queen
 Sep 2016 karen
cait-cait
I want to be
the
Cruel type of
Beautiful--

with my lips dripping
Blood and my dress
Trailing jewels,
My insecurities hidden between each
Fold of silk, saying
"I can **** if I must//"
but I won't

The kind where
after crying  
my eyes are red-
(Not from sadness
But)
from anger and dissociation,
and people fear what I have not said--
With my  
heart stitches torn open, and ink
Seeping through

and I'll never have to
Apologize.
i am your queen and I love staying in bed all day
 Aug 2016 karen
Nabs
M O R T E M
 Aug 2016 karen
Nabs
there's a butterfly
dying in my pocket
with torn wings and the
ache to fly
pressed close to my left chest
as if wanting to share a heartbeat

an old man saw me cradling
a fleeting life in my hand, he said

"It's dying."

"Why?," I asked

because a life this short shouldn't
have to end

"It's time," he walked past
and glass was growing in my throat
there was bile and words
wasn't this how we first met?

I cupped the butterfly in my hands
trying to save it, thinking of
honey water and second chances
a fantasy for a girl who wished for
better things

a life this short shouldn't have to end

but the butterfly is dying,
wings stopped fluttering
and tears were pouring
like rain

there is no second chances,
honey water is only selfishness
that we pretend was love

"would you rather have me cry in your arms or laugh with another?"

a life this short shouldn't have to end but
it does.

-nabs
 Aug 2016 karen
cait-cait
little me
 Aug 2016 karen
cait-cait
don't cry,
little me...
youll shed your calloused skin
one day,
hatching out of
your candy-wrapper cocoon
of dreams and ribbon in
red,
      white,
               and pink,  
.
.
.

so
give your jaws a rest,

undo your sewn on smile,
with your
skin collapsing on
your cheekbones and
empty eyeholes,
worn,
tired, and d u s t y
.


you will be fine.
your heart will still be broken, but bigger me is fine. based on coraline. **** everyones boyfriend tbh
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