dependent, dependent, dependent.
i hate to be dependent.
it's something that shows weakness.
it shows i can't defeat this.
sorry, sorry, sorry.
you tell me not to be sorry.
even though i try my best.
i never succeed, so i cannot rest.
stupid, stupid, stupid.
i feel like i am stupid.
obviously i'm the least of all.
no one cares when i take a fall.
weakling, weakling, weakling.
i am truly just a weakling.
melting from your sweetest words.
hoping my promises have been heard.
I want to be
Cruel type of
with my lips dripping
Blood and my dress
My insecurities hidden between each
Fold of silk, saying
"I can kill if I must//"
but I won't
The kind where
my eyes are red-
(Not from sadness
from anger and dissociation,
and people fear what I have not said--
heart stitches torn open, and ink
and I'll never have to
You will not always be wrong
you will not always be right
but in order to learn
you need to apologize
Be humble and know
that atonement is the sacrifice
of only your pride
and you never see that low a price
It doesn't truly matter
who is right or wrong
sometimes you just say that shit
so we can all move along
A fire is burning around me,
And a rage is burning within.
I can not hold it in.
I am the Devil,
With my cold dead skin,
Hell lives within,
I live within myself.
Forever trapped in my mind,
I can not hold the rage in,
Hating and raping,
I can not tame myself,
My fear and my doubt.
Damned in Hell,
Forever to burn,
For the sweet sun.
My rage holds me in my cell,
In the darkness of my Hell,
Damning me to hide,
Hide deep within my mind.
I am a God,
So I am told,
But the rage within me,
Withholds me from feeling.
In my cell I am held,
Living in my Hell,
Burning and yearning,
I am trapped inside.
My darker side,
Can not be hidden,
So I am hiding,
I am hiding within my mind.
In my cell I am living,
Into the darkness I am burning,
Into the fire I am dying,
Into death I am screaming.
Unlock the cage,
And free the Devil.
Free the Devil from the darkness,
Free me from what I have created.
No one ever taught me not to stick my hand in a fire, I just learned by common sense;
but here I am again, grasping for you and watching my hand blacken and burn.
Because every time you say that you don’t know what to say,
I want to call you a liar because you just spoke.
But being speechless speaks louder than words and
the absence of sounds swallows me whole
until your fire was all I saw and like a fool, I reached for it again.
But as I did, in the darkness I couldn’t see that my paper heart
was starting to burn.
We all grew up too fast, pushing through pull ups and graduation robes as if they could be worn twice.
We learned that excuses and “I’m sorry”s could be said again,
but that didn’t undo the damage already done.
Now the angry redness of your ears matches the redness of my future and I can’t help but wonder how I could’ve messed this up so badly.
But then I remember that I have a PhD in impulsiveness, poor decision making, and panic attacks.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions,
so down I lay cobblestone after cobblestone until I reach the gates but I never enter.
Who needs hell when I have your fiery red hair and temperament
that develops into a burning rage that scorches my skin with silence, when I’d rather be slapped with sinful words that PG movies don’t allow. All I can say is that I tried, because that’s what we all do in this world; we try.
Try our best, but fail anyways because success is for those who get lucky and this world is nothing but a game of chance with lottery tickets costing you more money than you will ever win, but we believe that there must be some essence of luck in our lives because we keep buying tickets.
She thought she was lucky. She thought that in an oceanic timeline, surrounded by blue, that she had found a brown boat, brimmed with buoyancy and broken dreams that you shared.
She climbed into that boat, and side by side you sailed neither of you realizing that you were sinking.
That is the thing about the boats in which we sail, even when we assure ourselves that they will never fail.
In this world, we all have our own ships, but the trick is that these boats can only hold one passenger.
She had her own boat once. She lost it, in maritime madness, one reason or another.
When her boat was swallowed by the sea she started swimming, trying to keep moving. Sink or swim they say.
So as she swam, she spent all her energy and instead tried to tread and keeping her head above water was no longer a game that you played in summers spent at the shallow end of the pool.
It became a constant question of survival.
She must’ve been lucky, for your ship sailed by and
picked up the poor girl who then became a passenger of someone else’s vessel.
This boat was worn, and her captain had tried to patch the holes but as the two sailed, the ship began taking on water as they went.
When training to be a lifeguard, they teach you quite a few things.
Mouth to mouth resuscitation(which sadly is no longer actually mouth to mouth), first aid, CPR, and how to pull a drowning victim from the water.
When people drown, our instincts kick in and we grab for anything to keep ourselves above water and breathe.
We don’t mean to hurt anyone else in the process but we just keep fighting for air.
Sometimes the people push their rescuer under and even though we may try to hold them up, if we don’t breathe too we’ll drown!
So what lifeguards are taught to do is if they are being pushed under
is to shove the victim off, swim away, and save ourselves.
Now some may say that sounds selfish and how can we do that when we’re supposed to be saving them, but we can only save them if we’re alive. If we can breathe.
You told me dating me was like a breath of fresh air,
because when you were with her, you were held under for:
1, 2, 3, 4…10 seconds, 20 seconds, 30 seconds, 45, 83, 104, 255, 1013… 63,072,000 seconds - TWO YEARS.
So of course, I understood why you swam away.
Away from the girl who broke your boat because being drained of energy was something I used to do to others.
I sucked the acid out of batteries and I walked on power lines, licked light bulbs, and suckled sockets because I too was once a drowning victim and but I hit the water was shocked by the electric energy that I had drained from him and it was hell.
The hell that I had laid cobblestones too, the hell that one day I might see you in, because we’re all sinners here.
We aren’t human if we don’t make mistakes, and damn’t I’ve made mine.
I fell from the ship and sank until I hit rock bottom, which was somewhere right between a razor blade reef and pill popping plankton. It’s funny how solid rock bottom can feel beneath your feet, because we’ve been on our boats or in the water for so long;
but you can’t stay down there no matter how badly you want to
because your lungs are screaming for air so you push yourself up and struggle for the surface.
The Marianas Trench is the deepest point in the ocean, and I’m pretty sure that’s about where I landed.
And I’m sure that if it wasn’t for a difference in timing, I would’ve seen her at the bottom too.
But that’s the split between me and her, because right now I’m back in my own boat and I’m breathing in fresh air but she’s gasping for a breath. She’s struggling to breathe but her lungs keep taking on water.
This doesn’t happen to just her and me, but there are hundreds of thousands of people out at sea.
Some decide to perform a self mutiny by mutilating their minds and jumping overboard and the truth is that not everyone makes it!
Some open their mouths underwater while screaming for help
but instead their shouts are choked out by the salty ocean that surrounds us all that we continuously mistake for our own tears.
Some people are smarter. They wear life jackets, while the rest of us
use others as life rafts until we figure out how to rebuild our boats and I’m here to say that you can.
No, it’s not going to be easy. It’s never easy.
Learning to swim wasn’t easy. When you first learned to swim you thought you would drown then, but you survived didn’t you?
If Jack Sparrow sailed the sea, so can we.
So here I am, breathing in and I’m floating on,
trying to teach others that mending their ships is a pain but they have nothing to lose and so much more to gain.
And there you are and if dating me is like breath of fresh air and you're fire, do I just continue to let you consume my oxygen until I choke on bitter words and stutter on sentences that I can’t spit out?
Sure my boat has holes in it and sometimes, the patches break;
but I have found that letting water in just isn’t for me so don’t plan on using wooden scraps of my boat to light your fire anytime soon because I know that even though this ocean seems vast and never-ending, we are all sailing somewhere.
Hopefully, we’ll get their soon.
I've never been hurt this way before,
Before that very night.
When everything became a blur,
And you went out of sight.
I think because I love you so much,
Is the reason it hurts so much when we fight.
I never meant to hurt you at all,
And now I'm sitting to write.
To write an apology,
In hopes that you'll forgive me.
All I want is to forget yesterday,
And to use the key.
I gave you the key to my heart,
Because I love you dearly.
Now's the time to unlock my heart,
I mean this sincerely.
Whenever I say I love you,
You say that you love me too.
I believe it every time,
That your love for me is true.
We shouldn't have fought that way,
Not in this life time or the next.
I love you too much not to apologize,
And leave you feeling vexed.
I am so so sorry,
For everything I said.
I hope you will forgive me,
Is going through my head.
I know this poem isn't much,
But it says what I wanted to say.
My love for you continues to grow,
Each and every day.
I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I hope that this poem proves that to you