Look behind you,
What you may see may disturb you.

What you once were
isn't what you are now.

It's not the physical appearance; the way you dress
Not the tone of your voice,
the change in your character –
But the difference in your demeanor

You've developed from a carefree soul
to a figure you never imagine yourself being

The lines on your face,
developed from years of hardship;
days in which you endured, prevailed
fell back down, got back up again

Weeks in which you worked day to day,
Just to make ends meet. Months in which
You struggled to keep up on your feet.

Your past self imagined the world would be cold and dark.

In every way, you see it's worth it.

Worth each waking morning.

This may not be what you wished for
When you were younger...

...It's all a part of living life.

We eat, we drink, we live, we die.
Pay our debts to survive.

We have to live through hardships,
To make it throughout life.

It's been since October,
Since I've last heard from you

The cold wind blows,
And sometimes,
I hear you calling my name.

The ghost of you following me.
Everywhere I go.

The sun comes alive,
Giving me hope
That in the end,
Life isn't so bad
after all.

I may fall.
I may have my moments,
When I feel like a loser.

...Deep down inside
I know that's not true.

My life has a purpose,
This, I know.

This purpose I've yet to find,
But it's still a long way down.
The road less traveled.

All I ask is that you
walk with me
And stay by my side

Be my guardian angel,
Be my compass.

Guide me in the right direction,
because I don't know
which way to go.

I've been lost for so long,

It's time I step out of the shadows,
It's time I start living my life.

The world around me is revolving slowly
While the people surrounding move faster & faster
As I am caught in between the fibers of time

Why am I here?
Do I even belong?

My only therapy is the songs I hear in my head.
My only medication is the drugs that make me wish I were dead.

I'm just a shell of my former self.
I'm not what I used to be.

It seems there's no resolution,
only an empty cell waiting for me in this institution.

Dear diary, please help me now.

There's only so much abuse I can inflict upon myself.

The cuts on my wrist, the empty bottle of pills
The lacerations on my fist, shaking from the anger still.

I've got my fix, each line getting me higher.
The only answer getting more apparent, as my lows keep climbing to the ladder.

My sanity escaping.
Depression creeping
As the ghost of death takes over me.

Oh diary, it seems it's goodbye to you and me.
It seems no matter what I do, the world isn't going to accept me.

I'll never belong.

I'll always be different.

Goodbye and goodnight.

I'll see you on the other side.

----------------------------

Dear diary, I'm an addict.

Yesterday was proof of concept.

Tomorrow is a death wish.

If I don't do something now,
I may never get to see the light of day.

Dear diary, please help me now.

Because I can't do this alone anymore.

Two years forward,
Life continues to move on.

I take steps to avoid,
Going back to the hell
I once put myself in.

I remember telling you,
"Please forgive me if I forget you right now."

I took a precautionary measure,
To save me from demise.

I was so fragile back then.

Any memory of you,
Made me feel like I,
I was the cause of your death.

I blamed myself for every little thing.

I wasn't there when I should've been.

...When I was mourning your loss,
They told me to stop being ******* myself.

"You did nothing wrong.", they would assure me.

In a way, they were right.

However, I can't stop but think,
That the smallest gestures
Would have made an impact,
And you'd be here tonight.

Maybe you would be alive to this day.
But reality sank in. I realized...
There was nothing I could do,
To save your life.

Moving on seemed like the only option.
As hard as it was to admit, I had to let go.
There was no way I could bring you back into this world.

I had to face tomorrow like it was another day...

Another day has gone by without seeing you smile,
Another day has gone without hearing your voice.
Another day has gone by, and I had no choice
but to move on without you by my side.

God knows I've tried
to give my all.

All I wanted was to
find love, but every
brush with reality

turned into a shattered
dream.

I ask myself why
do I even try,

When I end up
searching for love,

I just get myself
hurt every time.

I keep wondering why
I even try at all.

I remember the pain
Of heartbreak under
My sleeve,

a year of turmoil,
that leaves me
wondering

If I will find love
at all.

There were lessons
I have learned, and

God knows I've tried
to give my all.

All I can say is:

I'm trying my best to
stay strong.

When you’re too afraid to speak up,
Too scared to reveal the hidden
Emotions that haunt you day to day --
That’s when you know,
you know you’ve got to do something quickly.

You’ve kept it all in for too long,
Abuse, neglect, torture, and regret.
You’ve got a long life ahead of you,
But in your eyes, it seems you’ve reached the end.

The scars on your wrist,
the blood on your hands,
the tears in your eyes -- they all tell a story.

I can tell how much you’ve been through on the outside.

On the inside, I can’t help but only imagine
if you’re actually holding back the real motive.

I can tell that you long to die.

Before you decide to take that step,
I want you to close your eyes and imagine a world without you.

Imagine all the people who genuinely care about you.

What will happen if you decided to take your life?

Think about the people who love you.

Think about your friends, even relatives who seem not to care on the outside.

In the end, they’ll all feel the pain.

Your friends wouldn’t be the same,
Some would become distant.

Your family would be mourning the loss: especially the ones closest to you.

They’ll all change.

Not for the better,
But for the worst.

You can roll your eyes all you want.
I know I’m getting through you.

I know, deep inside, you’re listening to what I have to say.

My point is...
Despite all the bullying,
despite all the harassment,
despite the beatings...

You have people that care about you.

Put yourself in their shoes.
What would they do without you?

Tell me,
When did
Life get so heavy?

October, fall
Into the cold
Catacombs of winter

A tumultuous spring
That lead to
A searing summer

Seems everything
Around me is on fire

And I'm waiting
For someone
To douse the flames

And shake me
From this fever

I wonder
When the tides
Will change

Because I don't
Know how much
I can take

When I'm only living
Just to survive

It's like someone hit pause
And now I'm on life support,
Barely alive.

turns out memories
aren't just silly dreams.

feels like yesterday,
before we went our
separate ways,

regrets,
words i thought
i'd never say

broken at every turn,
and lost along the way.

then just like the time
slips idly by,

i watched you
slip away, memories
of yesterday, fading into
the sun.

Just like photographs,
still frames in my head,
it's hard to move forward
when i have so much to say.

but at least i can say,
i've had a good run
instead.

turns out memories
aren't just silly dreams

feels like yesterday,
before we went our
separate ways

and i know
mistakes were made
along the way.

but in order
to move forward in
life,

i know there's
hurt somewhere between
yesterday and today.

it's not over at 30,
and i know my time
isn't done.

love comes and goes,
but i don't want to be
the one who got away

when i think
i may have finally
found the one.

turns out memories,
aren't just silly dreams

and i know we've
gone our separate ways

but just like how time
moves forward, i know

that new memories
can be made
along the way.

We’ve traveled for a long while now,
And I don’t regret each moment...
Spent together with you.

All we have is each other these days,
And to be honest, I’m perfectly OK with that
Who am I without you?
(Who are you without me?)

You helped a fragile heart,
Unlocked it from a keepsake treasure box
Kept it living, kept it breathing
Kept it pumping, kept it bleeding

You helped push me forward when I was too scared to move.

You gave me courage,
You gave me strength

Something I could never feign

_________

Look at me,
A hundred miles away
From home, from friends
From family and loved ones alike

You say it’s a big jump.
While I agree; I’m willing to take the risks

What’s life without boundaries?

However, I’ll be the first to admit: It’s not easy.

I will miss them dearly.

I know they’ll be in my heart,
As I will be in theirs.

But I need to move on with my life.

I need to take that final leap of faith
And let love guide the way to a better life

Lately, I feel
Out of it these
Days

Life seems to
Drag me down
And I know

In the end,
I’ll be fine.

I remember those
Winter days,

Nearly ten years ago,
When we met in a haze.

Lust turned to love,
And over the years,
we burned out,

Just like the flickering of
The flames in a silent film,

Never making a sound.

Now I live with
The memories,
That plague my mind,

Playing track-by-track,
Just like a CD, singing

The good and the bad times.

I look around
The corner

Between St. Louis
And the town that
I live in,

Remembering how I
Used to drive past

The city lights,
Months after the crash.

I remember how it
Haunted me,
Every single time.

Now I’m stuck
In an endless cycle,
Far from fine.

It seems life
Likes to drag
me down,

Just like the
Memories that plague
My mind.

I’m doing everything
I can to be more than
Fine.

Like shattered pieces
On the floor,

I lay broken
and pulled apart,

Mirrored reflections,
Beckon patterns of
Being alone.

Like the
Patterns in the static,

Turning into
A bad lullaby,

Let the flames
In this hell
Take me out
So I

Burn out,
Brighter than
The sun.

If this was an
Ending,

I hope I find
My peace tonight.

Because
Fractured pieces
Can't heal

If the deal is
Signed by fate,
sealed, and sent
Away

Just like the
Letters to a
Love lost.

Can’t control
What you can’t
See

Outside forces,
Coming after
Me

Inside, chaos
Multiplied by
disorder

It is what it is,
Another breakdown
in order.

Wake up and
Everything’s the
Same

Still wanting
Change

But the only
Change I see,

Are the scenarios
In my dreams.

It is what it is,
Another day,
Another dream.

I
Can’t control
What I can’t
See.

It is what it is,
I guess I’ll wait,
Patiently.

I hate to admit
That dissociation
Is a friend of mine.

Putting myself on autopilot,
Just so I can survive.

Separating from reality,
Because simply living
Is all I’ve got this time.

I wish you could
See me in the state
That I’m in now

Broken, bruised,
So critical.

It’s absolutely pitiful.

I’m tired of feeling low,
But I keep dragging myself
Down,

Sinking and
Caught in the undertow.

Someone wake
Me from this
Mental charade

Because I’m tired
Of all the games,
And the iron bars that
Keep holding me down.

It’s hard to thrive,
When I can’t figure
Out how to figure
Myself out.

Happy anniversary,
Trauma, guilt and
Doubt.

The past is very
Critical and I
Just want out.

I keep waiting
For an answer, but

I know I’m the only
One who lets myself
Down one more time.

I hate to admit
That dissociation
Is a friend of mine.

And I’m sorry,
If I disconnect
Sometimes.

Please don’t give
Up on me now

I just need someone
To make me feel alive
One last time.

Void in a world
Where everyone is
At their own throats

Tearing each other
Apart, visualizing

That
They're the only
One that's suffered

And you're the
One crying

In a twist, they
Twist and take
The knife

And stab
Themselves
Right back

They just want
To see who
Can bleed more

And see
If you come
Running back

With your
Heart

Bruised and
Under attack

You try to lift
yourself up

But you forgot
How to feel

And you've reached
critical mass

You just
want to break down

From all
the surroundings

And what
brought you hell

Don't let them get closer

Because
You can't be too careful
Anymore

Why do the clouds
Keep the sun out
Of my mind?

The shadow's always
Looming and it's
Neverending.

I strike the match
And the fire always
Gets put out.

My heart's always
Broken and I just
Want out.

I want to feel
Something more
Than sadness.

Always hurt,
Always wanting

To break from this
Cyclical cycle of misery.

When will the light
Shine through and

Reignite the fire
Inside my heart?

Life gets harder
And I keep wanting
This to end.

Give me something
To live for, because

I find it harder to
Live for myself,
And it's killing me.

Heartstrings frayed and  
weathered.

Scarred, and afraid
to weather the storms.

But to heal,  
you know you’ve got to swim
to better days ahead.

All you can do
is all you can,

A push comes to
shove,  

and within time,
the feeling of
love

saves you from  
being buried within.

Waking up lonely,
Wanting somebody.

Broken from the past,
And a melancholic mind,
That leaves me longing.

I just want to call someone
My one and only,

Instead, I’m haunted
by memories that are
now long gone,

And I’m back to
feeling lost
and empty.

making my way past
the hurt and the skeleton
remains,

desperately wanting to
let go of this pain.

watching the sun
rise as the ghost
hide in the shadows,

reappear at dusk,
haunting me again.

I know that heartbreak
is just another memory,

and I’m trying not to
give up now.

I want someone to give
me a chance, and finally

break free from this chain,
that I can’t free myself from.

From past heartbreak,
I learned to amend,

Learned to make
The best of a situation,

Even accepting and
Starting off as friends.

Still learning to move on
From a past so complicated,

I keep trying my best to not
get lost in the devastation,

Please excuse the infatuation,
I get lost in my head.

I promise I'm trying my best to
not get so fixated,

Give me some patience
And grace,

Because I don't want to
Push you away again.

Just know that I'm grateful,
More than okay,

Starting off as just friends.

Time.
A fraction of a second, you called my name.

Reunited.
This rope, cut free from the time I've spent with you, remembering the promise of being together forever.

Second chances,
All that you had to give me when I was at fault, when I was the one who kept you up at night. When I was the one who fought the fight, you remained persistent through it all.

Forgiving.
Waiting for the phone call,
Knowing that if I come back,
You'd relieve yourself of despair.

Displaced.
Spreading like a virus,
the predicament you wished you'd never have to face.
Broadcast over a series you wished you haven't watched or set eyes upon.

While you were waiting at the doorstep to resolve the situation,
He was displaced, immersed in the river before you could come to realisation.

You exhaled, breathing in the life you're so lucky to have,
Mourning over the thought of one more day without him.

You could have changed the past.
Reversed the roles of right and wrong.
Tell him, that through it all, he's still your serenading song,
Before you left him on the roadside.

Almost a year later,
I still wish I
hadn't lost my focus.

I let the
Lens focus
on the wrong things,

In the wrong places,
And it’s all just a
mess.

An accidental shutter,
Now the picture's
faded, and

It's hard for me to
discover what life’s
meant to be

When it’s just me

Out in this vast,
dark world,
feeling lonely.

Burning out,
Just like a dying star,

Feeling temporary,
I'm barely
holding on.

Just being alive
doesn’t feel alright.

Feeling out of place
and overexposed,

Just like the
Polaroid on my chest.

Looking at the smiles,
A bittersweet moment,

A moment in which
I hope I don’t regress.

I know it’s hard to progress,

And I know I just need
to convince myself and
trust the process.

I know this won’t
last forever.

Photos capture
moments,
And I must remember

This isn't the end
of my chapter.

The world moves forward,
and moments last forever,
and hurt is only temporary.

Remember that one,
autumn when you
thought you lost
it all?

Your heart was
in the worst,
state it has
ever been

A drug-filled
binge that
took you for
a never-ending

Ride.

You broke down,
and then your
heart broke in
two.

Because you saw
it was
the end of me
and you.

You clutched
the photos
close to your chest

Because you
couldn’t hang on
to what has been.

You felt lost inside,
and you couldn’t
control the downward
spiral

You trapped
yourself in.

Now one year
after and you’ve
let go of false
hopes and illusions.

Scared and
afraid to make
changes and leap

Into the arms of
another soul
again.

Remember that one,
October when you

Thought you lost
it all?

You haven’t hit rock bottom
and I know it feels
like you lost it all.

Keep your head up, kid.

Stand tall.

Didn’t use to
hesitate for
a single second,

Jumping to
conclusions,

And headfirst
into all the
evidence.

I never doubted
a word you said,

Even if the words
I said weren’t so
clear.

I never
learned to put

trust
within
myself,

Lived my
life, hiding
in fear of
self.

It’s not an
easy thing to
admit,

And
I know all
the things
I’ve done.

Saying sorry won’t
make it all come undone.

"It's best we make it count."

"Mean what you say."

You beckon him to speak up.
He waits for you to make the first move.

The forgotten dialogue left unspoken,
Your clenched fist,
his hands begin pulling you in.
His first kiss, your dream come true.
His fantasy unveiled. Your harbouring adoration revealed.

The sensual touch,
The warmth, spreading like fire.
A comforting, welcoming addition.

You lose track of reality.
That's fine by him, by you.

You pull back,
Greeted by his glistening eyes.

He whispers the words,
Three little words.
And you know
You don't have to repeat it.

He understands wholeheartedly.

No need in giving him the satisfaction,
When he's got you in his arms.
And that's all you ever wanted.
That's all you ever need.

He doesn't need to hear it,
When he figured you out.
Compassion, longing
Your main priority.

You tell him it's not over,
He wants this to continue,
And you want more.
His guess less than three words.

You nod in approval.
He coins the term, "lovers",
As he places his lips back to yours.

Living life on
autopilot,

Wishing I wasn’t
Going insane.

Look around me
And everything

Stays the same.

The neuropathways
In my brain

Have the wires
Crossed and
There’s

Messages that
Always change.

I’m left to
Figure it out
On my own,

Miscommunications and
Exiled from a
Place I used to call home.

I just don’t get why,
I keep trying to change,

But life pulls me to
The other side

To a place where
the stars never
had a chance to
shine.

Hypnotized and,
Captivated by the
Love that led
To a blindness.

The images,
Encompassed
By the once
Warming glow

Lay buried, just
Like a love lost,
So cold.

Once untangled,
Estranged souls

A bond formed,
And we became
entangled by

Love, loss, and regrets.

And it all took
A toll.

Never able
To save ourselves,

We went deeper
In our thoughts

And we ended up,
Digging so far,

That both of us,
Eventually fell
Apart.

Like letters to
A loved one,
That used to
Have the heart

You wrote to me,
And I wrote to you
With a heavy heart.

Once hypnotized
And captivated by the
Love that led
To a blindness.

I sit here in silence,
Surrounded by a deep,
dark sadness

Still wondering why,
I still haven’t gotten
Over all this madness.

I’ve given myself
A million little reasons
Why  

I don’t deserve
The comfort, but
Not a day goes
By

I wish I was  
In your arms
Again.

I’ve given myself,
A million little reasons

Just to avoid the  
Rising tide

Emotional chemicals,
Mixing, sending my soul  
In overdrive.

Overwhelmed, and  
realized tortured  
Soul,

Hoping my heart
Can learn to love
Amid this lull.  

I’ve given myself,
A million little reasons
Why  

But there’s something
About you that makes
Me want to  

Try.

Don’t stare below,
The heights to a higher place affright you.
The ground shook, the air frigid,
the people stood in shock.
You kept your balance.
you threaten to descend,

they send a plea,
begging you to ascend.
The others, calling you
to step off the ledge.

We’re not fools.
This isn’t a test,

We’re sorry you let your guard down,
Don’t let this get to you.
You’re not misplaced.

Risking your life,
Benefiting the satisfaction of others;
Won’t solve your problem.
Evaluate before you subjugate.
From your distance,
They’re just little specks in the concrete.

The limit is the sky.
You can become what your heart desires.

I’m cognizant of the stranger’s honest opinion,
They barely know who you are. They say what they’ve said before.
Why not change it?
Show them you’re incredible.
Prove to them you’re not a failure, be their friend - not their foe.

Explain to them what brought you this far,
I’m sure they’ll be happy to assist,
Give you a helping hand.

Take your time, I’ll be waiting.

When I turn back around,
I expect you to come back to me.

We all care, dear. It just takes a moment to find out.
To put your faith back and restore your trust.
We all have a purpose; you just have to set out and discover your own.

You want to know the real me.

Be my friend. Be my crutch when I need support.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

I'll let you in. All you have to is ask.

I'm no stranger when you see what's inside my head.

I may be confused, delusional, and a little dangerous.
Look closely, and you'll find the better part of me.

You may like it, you may not, but if you don't cross that barrier.
You'll never get to find out who I really am.

Unless you take the invitation, you won't get the chance to discover that:

I am weak, I am strong.
I am talented, I am wrong.
I'm a paradox; I'm part of the demented.
I'm both optimistic and pessimistic.

I am extraordinary; I'm blessed with an altruistic heart.
I'm able to attentively listen with an open mind, open arms.
Able to discern what's really bothering you before you start speaking.
Able to make you smile without purposely meaning.

I am everything and all the above, not quite human, but well enough.

I could be the most incredible person in history.

What you see is a sample,
A taste, an example.

If you want to discover more,
Press onward.

I am incredible.

Just got robbed another time,
And I
Wish it was something as simple,
As someone taking my bike.

But life throws me
for a loop

I'm a f-ck up
And I'd like to just
for once, die

I'm a train-wreck
About to lose it
Near platform five
and Self-Pity Avenue

Someone get on the phone,
And tell them what I've done,
Because only others can
tell my story

Take out all the fun,
and leave me staring at
the sun.

I'm a f-ck up,
I know **** well
What I've done.

I'm not dead and
gone.

Roll the cameras,
3, 2, 1
Fade to white

Pan to the right,
And now I'm in sight

Read the paper today
And
The report says
I'm a wreck

What's new, today?

Interrogated again,
They asked me some
questions and took
some photographs

Long story short,
i was truly f-cked.

Looking almost gaunt,
I'm looking around,
And everyone's looking at me

(Am I alright?)

It seems they
Better call the doc

Because they just captured
The day I almost went dark.

Believe me when I say this,
I've seen better days,
and this isn't it.
Not by a long-shot.

And so, I end up
flipping through
the pages and I

See the reckless
Behaviors and antics

The hospital stays,
Complete and total
havoc

I'm tired of it all,
and it's all
So f-ckin' tragic.

Used to be up at 4 a.m.
Kept myself going

Hyped up on hard drugs
And ramped up in overdrive.
Not even wanting to quit.

Now I'm up at night,
******, one habit to the next
And all I do is cry.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck
And sometimes, I just want to die

But today,
Just for you

I'd like to, for once
Stay alive, not give up,
and try, honestly

Just slept another
day away,

Forgot to see the
sun rise.

Thought it was
nightfall,

But I guess
I was mistaken
this time.

Got out the wrong
side of the bed,

Put on my
disguise, again.

No one likes
a sad man,

Otherwise,
What’s to say
I’m fine?

Time seems to
pass everyone by

And I wish it
would speed up
in this lifetime.

But the hands
on the clock,

Only moves so far,
just like the sands
in the hourglass
of time.

Just slept another
day away,

Watched the sun,
Come creeping up,

Wore the face of
grief, and regret
under forced
smiles and alibis.

No one likes a sad man.

Why even try?

I was looking for
emotion,

But all I got
was something
broken.

I tried to let
my heart open,

But I had to close it,

Before it got ripped
From my soul.

I mistakened
Vulnerability for love,

Thinking I would find
devotion.

Instead, I found myself
lost again,

Drowning
in the deep blue ocean.

Like a one-night stand,
I knew it wasn’t going
to last forever,

I thought there was
something there,

But I was looking
in the wrong place,
at the wrong time.

And that
was when
I realized,

I was never
going to be

together with you.

The cold air
sends shivers
down my spine

The ghost of
yesterday,

Haunting me
again.

Every day passing,
feels like torture,

And I don’t know
what to do.

Moving on should
be easy, but

It’s hard to see
My life without you.

I know
Nothing last forever,

And it’s hard to sever
the ties of the past,

When I’m still not
over you.

why does it feel like
everyone is moving on

and here I'm stuck in my
head, falling?

it's a crash course in life,
that's only left me broken,
a man with no calling.

dwelling on the
past, torturing myself

regressing instead of
progressing

fallin' in a deep
depression,

unable to escape this hell.

i keep looking for a
way out, but there's no
end in sight,

and so, I find myself.
alone and barely
alive.

Your life’s story is haunting,
Filled with the worst memories imaginable
How can a soldier like you deal with the trauma?
The experience? The witness to the killings and suicide bombings?

You’re out there, fighting for what you believe in.
Not knowing if you’ll ever come back home,
Knowing if you’ll see your loved ones again.

All you do is hope for the best, stay on guard,
Gun fully loaded, waiting for an unexpected target to pass you by,
While you oversee others and step over land-mines.

You wish this was over with. Six months may not seem long.
But to you, it feels like you’ve been here forever.
You keep your head up, no matter the circumstances.

You can’t help but go crazy, in moments where
The enemy steps over the line without a glance,
You lose your mind, lose it so fast.
Pulling the trigger out of instinct,
You label yourself as a criminal,
Killing only being politically justified.

Your comrades say it’s out of defense,
While this may be true, the guilt hovers over you.

So tell me, soldier: How does it feel.
Fighting for a country you love,
Feeling remorse for carrying out the deed,
Receiving honors for a mass killing spree?

How have you kept up without shattering to tiny little pieces?

why do i always
go after myself

pick apart every
single thought

tear myself to
pieces and

find excuses
to not have a
heart?

life doesn't go
according to plan

and two years in
i'm caught in-between
lies i told myself

that buried me
deep within.

there's no mystery
i lived in
make-believe

it was a safety-net,
a fantasy
that made me believe

it could one day be.

but one day,
i woke up and realized

feeling sorry for myself
only goes so far, and leaves
me paralyzed.

i had to move on
from this nightmare.

i had to finally
move past,
and leave behind,

the memories with
rose-colored eyes.