You . . . you lied to me.
I didn’t know you wanted it so desperately.
Your hopeless desire to be free
Comes crashing down before your feet.
Now, I hope that you can see
All your delusions and conceit,
Your vanity, since you had never broken
A promise or secret spoken,
But now, please take this as a token
Of my shattered trust and heart dismayed.
By you, I have been betrayed.

My heart pounds slowly in my ears
As I think of all the fond memories I’ve had over the years.
I touch my face as my death nears,
But all that’s left is blood and tears.
And now, I’m faced with all my fears
And the scrutiny of all my peers.
Inside me, a rage awoken
By the abuse and insults spoken
Filled with such intense emotion!
They’ve never truly been afraid!
They don’t care how I’ve been betrayed!

I carried their burden and gave them protection.
So why, in return, have I lost their affection?
I stare at my opaque reflection
Asking myself this single question.
No one can achieve perfection,
But why must I suffer their rejection
Over and over with more voices combined
Than can be speculated by one mind?
Why am I alone and blind
With no help coming to my aid?
I lie still here, my conscience swayed.

I lie alone on the cold ground
Wishing hopelessly to be found,
Or to at least be rid of the sound
Of the darkness--weeping--all around.
With the status I am crowned
Comes dangers to which I am bound,
But by the honor to which I’m tethered--
However little, however weathered--
I won’t let a silly, feathered
Raven stop me and get in my way.
Yet, somehow, it led me astray.

It led me to you, a queer butch,
who longed for someone to love and touch,
And, as such,
I gave you my own hand to clutch
And let you use me as your crutch.
I never realized I hurt you so much
By forcing you to stay by my side.
I controlled and nullified
Your sense of judgment, worth, and pride.
But now all that I can say
Is, “Why have I been betrayed?”

You commit deeds without thinking.
You say strange things when going out drinking.
You ignore the chains around you, clinking,
Drowning you in your self-doubt, sinking.
You stare at the sun without blinking,
Blinding yourself from your world’s shrinking.
However did you fall so low?
But from the ashes, phoenix's grow,
No matter how painful and how slow.
You still confound me to this day,
But why, by you, have I been betrayed?

Your motive was to gain your liberty.
You want so badly to be free,
But I never owned you.  I only have me.
I depend solely on myself; wouldn’t you agree?
Or not because you couldn’t see.
You weren’t my slave by my decree.
A mysterious woman with lofty aspirations,
A raven in tow with never-ending patience,
And an elaborate configuration
Of this very time and day.
You’ve murdered me with a sullied blade.

No one’s free, that’s undoubtedly true.
For a fact, just look at you.
Locked in a maze you yourself drew
From cowardice, you stubborn shrew!
Watch with me the mournful sky, blue,
And the ebony raven departing, too.
You look at me with daggers for eyes,
Or what’s left of me as only a corpse lies.
I am left here listening to your cries
Of triumph and grief.  Why defile me in this way?
By you, I have been betrayed.

You’ve hit me with a fatal blow,
You and that oversized crow.
You relish in your success, though
Somehow, you faintly glow
Of sadness and you lose control
Of your emotions buried below.
You’re furious with what you have done,
Killing me, the only one
Who believed in you.  But it’s too late to run.
You cry to yourself, alone, afraid,
As the sins of my soul are being weighed.

You burned my home, my nerves are shaken.
My life and honor have been taken.
If you think you’re forgiven, you are mistaken.
As of now, my hatred has been strengthened.
My inner demons have awakened
As I have been forsaken
By the only one to show
Me love and cherish me, although
My faults are innumerable.  I want you to know…
I’ll never forget your betrayal.
You watch me bleed out, your face deathly pale.

You shout, frustrated, and break a sweat
Knowing you were forever in my debt.
You stumble on words and your own regret
While falling over my burnt chairs and ashen assets.
I whisper to you ghostly threats
And spectral visions make you upset
As you know I am someone who never
Forgets such an atrocious endeavor.
So, yes, you are in my debt forever
As now my trust has been decayed.
Your mind, my demons invade.

Your temper rises, your thoughts waver
As you think of how you can win back my favor.
Away from here, you’d be safer.
I don’t care anymore for revenge, now or later.
So leave here a life-taker,
A fool to stay as the perpetrator.
You may be a traitor but you have seen
The wrong of your actions obscene.
Therefore, I consider you clean
Of the crimes and lies you’ve made.
Slowly, away I fade.

Go!  Go now!  The night’s nigh over!
Soon the blazing sun will take over
And give everyone exposure
To the light, we need to come closer.
Take these words as your closure.
Think things through and be sure.
I no longer wish to conceal
My thoughts for you, bizarre and surreal.
I want you to know and feel
The warmth of the love for you I made.
No longer must you be afraid.

In the end, we all will die
So why do you sit there and cry
As the rain falls from a thunderous sky?
Let go and--like the raven--you too will fly.
Hurry to soar up on high
For I know the end is nigh.
Fly into the somber night.
Try your best to find the light.
Hold it close and hold it tight.
Perhaps others will follow my trail
As I have--not forgotten--but forgiven your betrayal.

All the lonely voices crying for help
their laughter chills my bones
the darkness has taken control
listening to their moans
they're afraid at times but otherwise brazen
you cannot see their face
they scream insults, phrases, and words
"you are a disgrace"
there are voices in my mind
impossible to silence
everything is invisible to my eyes
the voices act as tyrants
the blackout of my brain
became my reality
I ask myself questions the voices ask
"Is this really me?"
The light shines in, it hurts, it burns
the darkness inside me shrivels
I cry out in pain, the light is evil
I crumble to the ground and wither
The darkness returns, I feel at home
this is where I belong
I live here in this pitch black night
the light will soon be gone

Every breath                 you take,
you steal from me.  Every look you give
keeps me guessing.  Every sound you make
causes my heart to beat.  Every kiss we
share is a divine gift.  Every moment
with you is a blessing.  Every time
you touch me, you put me
under your spell.
Breathless.
Silence.
Love.

The thunder clouds roll o'er the hills
Their stunning beauty gives me chills
Sky horses in stampede
Afraid of what these awesome creatures
bring unto this world of sorrows
wondering where they'll lead

But when life brings bad weather
I carry my umbrella
and hold it upside down
to catch the rain between the sunshine
to gaze upon it in the moonlight
grateful for what I found

I saw the grace within the lightning
and realized it wasn't so frightening
breathing the calm of the storm
While chaos spun around its fantasy
I witnessed true nature's majesty
and watched the butterflies swarm

Dancing silhouettes in sunlight
dazzling dewdrops of flowery white
pristine beauty I never thought I'd see
Happiness flows like a river
endless stream stretching forever
the first time I've ever felt so free

You put your left foot in
You pull your left foot out
You put your left foot in
And wrap it all about
You do the hokey pokey
And you turn yourself around
You've got a dislocated foot now

You put your right arm in
You pull your right arm out
You put your right arm in
And twist it all about
You do the hokey pokey
As you weep and cry with pain
While someone's calling your name

You put your left arm in
You pull your left arm out
You put your left arm in and twist it all about
You do the hokey pokey
As you slip out of your chains
And realize you're going insane

You put your head in
You pull your head out
You put your head in
And you shake it all about
You do the hokey pokey
As you quake and sway with fear
No one else is in here

You put your head in
You pull your head out
You put your head in
And you bang it all about
You do the hokey pokey
As you bleed out on the ground
Laughing 'cause you'll never be found

Words have no meaning if you can't speak.
Don't get lost in your imagination with me.
I'll always be here, wanting to play.
Others don't understand what you feel everyday.
You can't hear any of this world's beauty.
You can only imagine the sounds of things we see.
You've been taught a language no one normal can read.
You're lost in your mind waiting to be set free.

Don't be afraid; I am here in your head,
But you sit and cry, filled with sorrow, instead.
No one can help, you'll make your own path.
Stand up to your fears and never turn back.
You may feel blind to this criticizing world,
but you are a unique, talented girl.

Get out!  Stay away from me.  Or else, you too will get the disease
of hatred, anger, lust, and pride.  Get away or else you'll also die.
Let me wallow in this pit of despair.
Because, deep down, I know you don't care.
And this love that you thought we had
was never real.  Please don't be sad.
Just throw all your problems unto me.  I'm the one who's going to be
alone for the rest of their days, staring into his eyes, his deadly gaze.

It's final now; I've been diagnosed.  I have the condition I dreaded most.
Depression, they say, will be a hard battle.  I can't go on with this tiresome travel.
My only friends are in my head,
since all the others believe me dead.
Leave me alone! Don't let me poison your mind
with thoughts of death and suicide.
If you ever catch this disease, you'll be with me on the stormy seas.
I long for death or some escape from his gaze filling me with hate.

My happiness has been taken from me, and I'll never get it back from the beast.
He let me go from his cold grasp.  For once, I'll be at peace, at last.

Left on the side of the curb, I watch as glamoured figures march up the steps
I, myself, dressed in an attired elaborate gown to complement my necklace and stark red lips
and eyes
tired from crying
cracked

Leaving the dance, a tall man in a tailored grey suit and tie,
unaware or avoiding me, passes me by
The rain drizzles, waltzing on the pavement and my face
A shadow covers me as the rain stops
Applauding the rain, the thunder claps

Bending down and lifting me, you carry me to your fancy car
and lay me, exhausted, across the seat, covering me with that large coat of yours
Awaking in an unfamiliar room
but strangely unafraid knowing you had brought me here
entirely calm with the knowledge you are near

Walking in with your beautiful charm
I sob heavily as you hug me in your arms
I fall into your warm shirt, crying into your shoulder
You run your fingers through my hair
whispering candied words into my ear

Passions overtake me as I grab your head for a kiss
You roll with me under the covers, a divine bliss
To others, I'm just another pretty face
another porcelain doll to smash on the ground
or tossed away and never found

Boys and men like dolls too.
But I'm not a doll when I'm with you
not another pretty face in the crowd
I am yours, with all my heart, soul and body
My love for you shall never cease

Somehow, I fell in love with a single kiss, your gentle hands caressing my chest
I pull you closer to me, fully obsessed
enthralled by your intense gaze, lustful like others
I stare into them with wonder

Different than the normal man, you captured me with your first glance
that fateful night not long ago by the steps of the dance
this is what love is, inescapable, overwhelming
I need you in my life forever; if only time would stop for us
To stay in your comforting embrace, the only one I trust

I'll be a doll any other time, just not now at this moment
and never with you near my vision's extent
My cracks have healed, my eyes are no longer red
I'll just lie here in your bed
brimmed with joyous love

Life intolerable
Death inevitable
Desires insatiable
Things unreal

Words unspoken
Evil awoken
Vows art broken
Pain, thou feel

Fearless leaders shamefully hiding
Within cowards, still confiding
Helpless people slowly dying
Horrors thou hast never seen

Demons unleashed from their cages
Hellish, endless fire rages
Now unto the end of ages
Sins of all the world run free

Acts unthinkable
Power unimaginable
Disease incurable
Rots our souls

Gates of Wrath
Flank Satan’s path
Splitting in half
All he controls

Bowing to our God eternal
Pray to leave this world infernal
Careful not to wake nocturnal
Monsters of abysmal night

No response art thou receiving
Being led by hope deceiving
Finally, art thou perceiving
No escape, for all wilt die

Torture endless
Methods boundless
Leave thou breathless
Still afraid

Pain unending
Death descending
Hand extending
But betrayed

In this hellscape, thou art living
Only in the flesh existing
Forever art souls suffering
The carnage surrounding thee

Abominations now released
To feed on fear and the deceased
Destruction shalt never be ceased
Souls ****** for all eternity

"You can do anything you set your mind to."

What if you lost it along the way?
Is this just another fable I fell for,
a lie I've been told, or something more?
Does it ring true?
And if I've lost my mind,
then how do I know
I really love you?

My brother slammed the door shut,
banishing the bitter winds outside
from intruding upon our solitude.
Living on our own wasn't as hard as we'd thought it'd be.
"You're back late," I remarked from my seat on the couch.
He ignored me in his sour mood.
I decided to head to bed.
I fulfilled the promise we had made to each other,
to look out for one another
as sister and brother.
The shower ran for a while,
but eventually, I heard him creak up the steps
and took comfort in the fact
that tonight, he came home.

Early the next morning,
in the darkness of dawn,
I stumbled down the stairs to clean up for the day.
I turned on the TV and watched the news.
Another ****** occurred in the area.
I'm convinced it's a demon with unbiased prey.
The channel rolls on.
A car similar to ours was abandoned on the scene.
What was I seeing?
I was just exhausted for the time being.
It must be from the little sleep I got.
He would've never driven so recklessly
and leave the car behind,
only to walk all the way home.

The coffee I had started wasn't finished,
and the casserole I was baking wouldn't be done in time.
I decided to take a shower to clear my head.
I opened the bathroom door, closed for an odd reason,
for we never shut the door,
and was greeted by a scene of red.
The marble sink covered in the handprints of blood.
The white, tiled walls stained and spotted.
A stench rising from the clothes that laid on the floor, knotted,
and in the shower, streaks of red on the bottom.
I covered my mouth in an attempt to stop the scream
coming from the fear boiling inside of me.
Tears streamed from my face.
What did my brother do when he got home?

I took a step back
into my brother's arms.
He pushed me into the cursed room
and jammed the door shut so I couldn't escape.
I fell into the shower, into the pool of dyed water,
and cried from the anticipation of my impending doom.
What was that look in his eyes?
The very thing of which I was so afraid,
looming in the shade
of his humanity's fade?
When had he strayed so far away
and became that way
to allow the devil to reside in his heart?
What had he let into our home?

A few days passed.  I drank from the shower
and rationed what was left of the toothpaste
until one day, my mind snapped.
I couldn't stand remaining in this torturous space
scarred by the blood of someone else.
I no longer wished to be trapped.
I slammed into the door, once, twice,
and the third try it opened,
slightly broken,
and crashed against the wall before closing.
My brother was nowhere to be found,
yet his room, forbidden, was locked somehow.
I broke it open and found a second scene,
a body bleeding out on the floor of my home.

I fell to my knees and wept into my hands,
coated in the blood of my brother.
The knife protruded from his head.
Sirens pulled up to the apartment
and police rushed inside the house I once loved.
they pulled me away from my brother, dead.
I refused to go, so instead, I screamed.
I cried and sobbed loudly.
I couldn't just leave,
so I clung hopelessly to my brother's sleeve.
They demanded me to release him, but I hugged him in my arms.
I couldn't let them take him away too.
I grabbed the knife and felt a pain in my chest,
and collapsed into the darkness enshrouding my home.

I used to be one, alpha and alone.
Then I met another and we became two.

A second pair of ones made us group to four.
Separate couples in love conjoined by the door.

I thought, "Yes, perfection resting in one place.
No single forsaken. No odd to replace."
And with the others I began to relate.
Between all my lovers, dancing figure eights.

Confusion was nowhere until one had left.
Disbanding impending, loneliness beset.

For what was I if not dependent on others?
And what was love if not so fragile to shatter?

An odd now, our pairs gone. Back to times once far past.
I should have known dancing figure eights would not last.

Creation, division, subtraction, addition.
Another number reluctant to submission
in hiding behind all these makeshift partitions
preventing us from making our own decisions.

I cast off my labels. I am not a one
because people are people and love is still love.

Whether odd or even, whether large or small,
partners will always forget about it all.

They care for the person and not for the name
which makes it my fault that they left all the same.
I'll still dance with numbers and laugh at their games,
but when sadness takes over, I'm the one to blame.

I'm not number but a person, a fraud,
and love is something of which I was never taught.

Blossoms growing
in earnest spring.
Leaves in meadows,
winds that sing.
Birds call out
with tranquil breath
as I lie still
in flowers of death.
In sunbathed glory,
creatures bask.
And I with them
without my mask.

The only place
where I can go,
be understood
for what I know
is here,
the place of broken dreams.
The graveyard
where you once met me.
You saw without
society's
disguise for ones
like you and me.
But you grew up
deprived of truth,
the one I found
while in my youth.

I handed you
a flower and smiled.
You said,
"Beautiful as always, child."
But you still couldn't
understand
why I stayed in
forsaken land.
You went your way
and I went mine.
You couldn't see
beauty divine.
You still cry every time
you come.
You know nothing
of what I've done.

There's nothing here,
so pass on by.
Ignore my life
until I die,
and then you'll say
those lies and thoughts.
"I loved you."
Yet, here I will rot
until that fateful
day draws near,
and you come home
to greet me here.
The people come
and speak their minds.
"You meant so much."
"You were so kind."

They talk from their
experience.
Wait some time
and forget your death.
The sadness you have
won't subside
from your regrets
before you died.
Feel the emptiness
fill your bones.
Then I will sit
by your gravestone
and say to you
the truth I know.
"I'm dead inside,
like you below."

A world of wonder and possibility
illuminated by the light of uncertainty.
The adrenaline rush of taking a chance
only to lose it all by the cards in your hands.
It's a dangerous game to play if you choose;
to roll the dice, to win or lose.

Place everything on the table.
The higher the stakes, the more exciting it gets.
Your mental health entirely unstable
until the others call their bets.

The roll of the die, the shuffle of cards capturing your attention.
Debt fluctuating by a single move; silence strangled by tension.
Fancy beverages surround everyone
enlightening the experience more every time you finish one.
A simple game based entirely on luck,
and when you are losing, you don't give a ****.

But it only takes a little for your luck to run fully dry
and for you to lose everything in a silly game.
With no money left for the chips you need to buy,
nothing will ever be the same.

Such cruel words to say
to someone you love

Not "See you later"
or "I'll miss you"

But "Goodbye."

They say that you died peacefully.
I can only hope that was the case.
I wasn’t there when you needed me.
For six years, I haven't seen you face.

We had our good times and bad.
I choose a pink rock like the salmon you caught
after tearing me away from my dad.

You were there for me when he passed.
Some think that you knew all along.
The disease that he had given him by his dad
Was the same one he passed onto me.

You were there when they gave me the news.
How I'd never have children again.
Then, I was shipped overseas
for a job with little pay in the end.

It was my wife that called me,
my little boy that found you in the yard.
As I strike your name into this headstone
it finally hit me that you're gone.

Cold and shallow shadows
blowing across the snow
in every hope of finding
the world they used to know,
they grab us as we pass them
and draw us toward the dark,
begging for us to save them
from the misery they hold.

They've stolen many a soul,
now trapped within the trees.
The forest's labored breathing
the only proof of the deceased.
The icicles that rattle
as mediums for their songs
of woe and fearsome hatred
doomed to never cease.

When you were taken by them,
disappearing like the rest,
I vowed that I would find you
and free you from their nest.
Were it the frozen wasteland
or the jaws of death itself,
I'd fear not its making
and traverse it nonetheless.

I knew I'd never find you
but I searched each day and night
until the days stopped rising
as the trees swallowed the light.
And in this hinterland hiding
the love to which I'm bound,
I came to accept my passing
as proof of what I found.

Then in the forest shadows
I saw the massive tree
with roots and vines like chains
to hold down what was once free.
A withered, massive birdcage.
An angel nestled inside.
The light dimly glowing
from where the fallen bird did hide.

The angel glanced out coldly
with pitch-black eyes and hair.
Surrounded by death and beauty
was this maiden so fair.
A flower so fragile
within this world of pain.
The captive of the forest,
cast out by pride and shame.

She ne'er woke from her trance,
trapped in this desolate place,
tortured like all the others
within the forest maze.
The only light descending
upon the sullied ground.
The next queen of the forest
and to its cycle bound.

To cry without hurting would be a blessing
To be heard without making a sound
Struggling to find the strength to stand
only to fall onto my knees
Lying prostrate on the ground
weeping silently

People look at me like how they gaze through a window
to see past the glass, forgetting it's there
I want them to acknowledge my existence
to see who I am, to know I am here
Shadows, faceless forms peer in with empty stares
looking in like the others before they disappear

I watch solemnly as life flies by
here for only a moment
The color of life dull in my eyes
Black and grey and white
The color drained from the environment
emotionless in my sight

A single light shines in from above
a white, flickering flame, so menial
A symbol of hope in this cage
I reach out to grab it
The fire looms above, somber, ethereal
a pure and holy spirit

Grains of sand fall through my fingers
time slipping away
I'm trapped in an hourglass constantly flipping
suffocating in secret
Hidden beneath the things others say
suffering from the torment

Tears turning to blood and blood to pitch bile
a frame holding broken glass
Drowning in the dust of ages
forsaken and alone
The cracks grow larger as shadows pass,
a black hole where a star once shone

I sit, frozen in time, forgotten but still here
darkness enshrouding me
Sinking into the ground, the glass finally shattered
Time slows to a halt
I scream, sobbing helplessly
everything is my fault

I draw the attention of glowing eyes
sand pouring out from the cavity
The hourglass runs empty, time continues onward
sand falling into nothingness
The shadows move along, ignoring me,
lost in the abyss

The crimson blood, the only color I see
staining the fire above me
Forever out of reach, the light dissipates
gone from this world of darkness
Absent from the world of grey, never to be seen
hope swallowed by sadness

Trying to stand a second time
inevitably falling
sobbing loudly in the dark
no sound coming out
Death has come to my calling
the only one to hear my shout

Time has run out for me
this living hell closing to an end
No longer trapped in the hourglass
Death has set me free
With no sand left to spend,
I'm finally released

I wish I were a tree,
to be able to stand tall,
to be strong yet flexible,
and go with the flow of the wind.
To be rooted in the earth,
but reach for the sky
and hold it in my arms.

I wish I were a tree.
One to roll with the punches,
embrace the changes.
To be broken
and stand back up.
To heal my scars
and grow stronger from the pain.

I wish I were a tree
that could brave the storm.
To look it in the eye
and tell it I would survive.
Then take on its wrath
and wait for it to clear,
emerging victorious.

I wish I were a tree
that could gaze down from above.
Observing life
as a part of its majesty.
To give something back.
To have a purpose
and be worth something.

I wish I were a tree.
To make my mark in time.
To be a symbol of strength.
To inspire life in others.
Giving to them shade,
protection from above.

I wish I were a tree,
not a fragile human being
That gets hurt and cannot stand.
That will never reach the stars
and cry from fear of the thunder
of the impending storm.
Who will never have a purpose
or amount to anything.

A person like me
who gets trampled by change
and crushed by expectations
can only have a dream
they can never reach.
Who is broken
and remains that way.

A fickle entity
existing in a breath of time,
causing harm to those around me,
and counting my unhealed wounds.
Solving problems of the past.
Weak in the presence of power.
One to get lost in the storm
and never return.

How I wish I were a tree,
but I’m just a human being.

The frog croaked softly
amid the morning mist
His breath hung in the air
puffs of October's fall
The birds chirped in splendor
as the frost captured their song
holding notes in suspension
until others returned the call


And on the water, lily pads
floated past in a gentle breeze
the size of china saucers
we'd use whilst sipping tea
a bridge of small proportions
the hopscotch game of life
a crossing from our world to theirs
under the crimson leaves

Birds came to watch with envy
atop their crooked perch
Bugs skated to and fro
across the liquid glass
The dandelion dancers
drifted above the pool
and stood on lily pad ferries
where the bullfrogs had sat

The forest was a portrait
by Van Gogh and Claude Monet
A storm of autumn colors
the lily pads ablaze
A stillness to be broken
beneath the sun's warm smile
The tranquil winds kept blowing
the fire sparked by our gaze

The music of the angels
disguised by amber leaves
amidst the forest wildfire
ne'er to melt the morning frost
And people pass, indifferently
the beauty that was there
as none but I did witness
the life this fall had brought

This seems to be reality,
but I just want to be free
from all concern and all the hate
in this world whose doom is fate.
'**** me now,' I thought aloud
silently, not making a sound.
I place on my face of happiness
to shield underneath the emotional mess.
Hiding my pain in my soul,
it eats away, out of control.

I try to smile at all my friends,
but how can I?  In the end
we all will face our judgement day.
Shall I bring it closer or shall I stay
here with you, my love, my hope?
But I'm afraid I cannot cope
with any of life's problems.
I'm scared that I am one.

I shake my head and break a fake smile
when you say that I'm a pretty gal.
The truth is, I hate myself
and find it easier to fail than to excel.
Change the subject, don't put it on me.
I'm not the one who likes to be
the center of all attention.
When I speak, you can cut the tension.

When I daydream, I think of the future
and how it grows ever nearer.
When I sleep all I have are nightmares
filled with only horrors and jump scares.
When I awake, I shrug it all off.
"This is normal to me," I scoff.
My failures stare me in the face.
Some things you can never replace.
The joy in my heart has been devoured,
but I have more important things to think of this hour.
Like how I'll **** myself. Is it the right time?
What should I use?  Will it all be fine?

Headed to school the very next day.
Mumbling and cursing myself, I say,
"Good morning," and walk to my seat.
With a fraud grin, I stare at my feet.
Again, I wear my mask of happiness.
Thinking of death, I clench my fists.

Soon... very soon.  No one knows......

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