I velcroed a smile to my face
I'd sometimes peel it but nowadays
I can't even take it off *** it always stays unless someone's poor soul decides to ****** it away
Never the less I always look gay
Even when I'm legitimately mad
I got so used to smiling That I can't frown
All I can do is stare at the oh too familiar ground
And yet still I have that fake ole grin on my face
Cheesing so hard you can still smell my toothpaste
Been **** this since 6 grade Did I forget to mention
An now my whole life feels like I've been living in detention
If only I'd chose to Stop my actions
There'd be a Prevention
Practice makes permanent
So I gotta be persistent
And slowly get my life back together it's a mission
Slowly come back to existence
No I don't need your assistance
I'm getting on the right track transforming into an optimistic

I'm like a janitor
Except I mop the floors with my heart
I put it in a bucket and Roll it around on my cleaning cart
I wanna save everyone else
But don't know how to save myself
It's easier to help others while I hide my problems behind covers
The fear of it all coming back distantly hovers
I help the ungrateful in response to their crying mothers
I'm tired
I'm exhausted
I need someone to help I
Need someone to help me pass the days by
Someone help stop me
I'm about to die
The I y'all used to know won't ever see light
She flew away like a flying Kite
I'm trying to find the string but it's nowhere in sight
Help me look
Read in between the lines I'm an open book
Help me replace the parts they took
Let's go shopping at the store
Please I beg u I'll love you more
I feel it in my soul down to the core
I need someone to help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Listen to me I sound so depressing
No not depressing just non expressing
And now I'm crying out for attention
But I'm a female shutup they say go to the kitchen
Why am I being raised as a house wife
That doesn't sound exciting no that's not how I wanna live my life
I needed to express myself so I chose the arts
But art can't hold me when the deep down pain starts
What Art can do is release me for a minute
But I find its transforming me into a heartless bigot

For a while everything seems ok
For a while I'm able to save the grieving for another day
For a while I feel unstoppable
Like I can get over any obstacle
But you know what they say
What goes up must come back down
The inertia never lasts
The force of gravity is too strong and so to the ground I fall within a dash
Within the blink of an eye I'm so deep
You can barley see me
I don't even recognize myself because In resemblance of a garbage heap
I get so low that I don't know if I'll make it out
You won't hear me but in my head it's like an asylum i scream and shout
Trying to find the door as if I'm a Girl Scout
Hi would you like to buy some cookies
Sorry baby I don't have any moneys
So around I go
Going door to door making a fool of myself putting on a show
Oblivious I'm Solely worrying about the materials consciously  
Determination waisted because it's directed towards only gaining commodities
Will I continue?
Or will I change my ways? probably  
Or maybe I won't *** I still stay up at night dreaming of hitting the lottery
Kinda hard to stay positive
When we preach the opposite

Tryna stay sane but it's hard
We practice being the same and for that we don't know truly who we are
I need to release myself but I don't yet know how
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and honestly I'm  feeling bloated like a cow
We share this planet together yet we treat each other oh so foul  
We all wanna be content but no one ever teaches us how
There so much jealousy going on
And not enough people to put in work for it to get gone

***
That's all I hear
24/7 it's hurting my ear
Every discussion headed towards that direction
And Honestly it's in need of a Correction
Can't have a decent conversation
Patiently waiting for the vaccination  
Need to take a break
a vacation
Lose it at 12 and have a celebration
What's wrong with this generation
Acting like it's just normal recreation
What happened to love
What happened to looking up at the stars high above
It hurts
I'm seen as a tool
These boys they talk to me and they cut a fool
Not a day goes by that someone hasn't asked me to "come through" or "send nudes"
And Honestly I respect myself too much
You can look but don't touch
I don't understand why it's so hard for them to get it
These adolescents they're too hard headed
At first I liked the attention
But now all it causes is tension
Is it beyond your comprehension
I don't wanna rush into *** I wanna connection

I stay in my little box
I originally planned on only using it as a detox
But once inside I was trapped
No my arms weren't strapped
But I still felt kidnapped
So I did have to adapt
And honestly I'm thankful *** my life is no longer chapped
I've learned to be self reliant
An many of u may think that that makes me a defiant
But honestly no one was there when I was crying
when I didn't know how to keep fighting
I needed help and that box was my only guidance
You had one assignment and when I poured my soul out to you what did I receive? Silence
At first the thought of being alone was horrifying
But side by side me and this box we made an alliance
And when I'm inside of this small confinement
There isn't any lying or over trying or self confidence dying or any boohoo crying
..well maybe sometimes
but it's okay because when I sit in this quiet
this silence there isn't any judgment
There isn't any soul crushing
There isn't any unwanted touching
No nudging no punching no Flying Dutchman there's nothing
It's like I was forced upon this dungeon and ended up never wanting to leave
For a while my life was at ease but as it goes on Ive started to crave someone to come live within it with me
How ever it's not an option because I never venture out I never have the guts to flea
Sometimes I'll poke an arm out and feel a cold breeze so back in the box I go
Dreaming of a life I'll never really know
Living in terror of being hit with a crossbow
Fear is a powerful thing
Top reason why I'll never have any offspring
What if they grow to be as corrupted as I?
What if they live in a box so they can never reach the sky?
Fear is the reason id stay up at night and cry
My eyes couldn't really take It
At night they'd constantly spit
So I moved into this box and it's been a perfect fit
But be ware if you decide to come inside ur gonna need a permit

Use to despise birthdays *** all it brought was disappointment
I would get irritated from lack of attention and my bed was my only Ointment
One day out of the year
and did u use the opportunity?
no u miss ur appointment
And you do so continually  
Never had a party to myself
Because my parents didn't care enough
Had to share birthdays with Em and the child was ungrateful she always received stuff
And when they sang happy birthday they sang her name so yes it was tough
I only have 5 birthday cards to my name
And Out of the 5
only 1 person played their part
only one person gave me something from the heart
Used to think its a shame
I never got anything because They said my brown skin tone was lame
My ignorant outside family wouldn't give me their claim
Tried To stop the waterworks but a  dam can only last for so long
Had to finally realize I was looking at it all wrong
Used to think that because no one told me happy birthday
and no one gave me gifts to my dismay
That I wasn't ****
but now I see it
Finally realize it
They did give me something
At the time it seemed like nothin
But They gave me the clay That molded me into the person I am today
Would I go back and change it?
No I'm okay