There is nothing I can do
Because I’m not the star of my own story
I’m not exactly furniture either
I’m more the person they send to walk in the background of movie scenes
So it isn’t painfully clear they’ve blocked off the street
But all I do is walk
I’m not important
And there is nothing I can do

The ceiling waves down at me
The floor swells up
And all at once I’m hit with “too”s
I’m too sad and too happy and too hot and too cold
My mind says I’m too fat, too tall and too loud
I can’t hear the thoughts I’m supposed to be hearing
Then I do it
I push down
It stings for a second and then…..
The whole world equals out

"Father...father look at me as I talk to you." I demand dropping my book bag on the floor out side my room.
"hmm?" he says not looking at me, being much calmer than he could ever be in real life. This is how he always is in my dreams, saying exactly what he would in real life but in this calm, monotonousness that make me want to scream.
"Father I hate you. I have always hated you, you have never been there for me for anything. I hate you very much and with all of heart." I try to subdue the anger in my voice. He still doesn't look up at me.
"Well, that's nice dear, I hate you too." he finally looks up at me "I didn't even want you in the first place. But, ******, you were healthy and your mother wouldn't have any of." Then he looked away.
"Father, would you care if I killed myself?" I asked the tears falling from my eyes and my hands shaking, I'm so angry at his calmness.
He chuckles "Of, course not darling.."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT YOU ARROGANT SON OF *****!!"
"Gun's in the study," he says
Then I wake up.
A thousand times I've had this dream.
Not once have I been able to convince my subconscious that he would care even a little bit.

I'll never be good enough for her
I think she knows this
I always try so hard to prove myself
but I'll never be what she needs
I am not good for her or her family
I have so many questions to ask her
so many things I'm scared to hear or say
I love her
with everything I have and am
I can't even bear the thought of losing her
just the thought crushes me
but it has to end sometime
nothing lasts forever
can she see it in my eyes
when I leave her house
that I'm breaking
I'm afraid if I ask her
any of the things on my mind
that I'll have pushed to much
and the bubble will pop
and this beautiful thing will disappear
forever
and I'll never get the chance to tell her
that I don't just love her
I am in love with her
and that makes all the difference in the world
love and in love
I have never been in love
and that one difference
that small word change
is what keeps me from going back to the dark places
it's my life cord
but I can't tell her that
or she'll feel like she has to keep it up
but what if she already knows and stays with me just because of that
I just don't know
but I would suppose I have to tell her
have to ask her
or I'll never be sure she loves me too
and what would be the point other wise

everyone leaves eventually
whether by death or by choice
they leave
and I am left nursing my broken heart
trying to hard to peice it back together
and through my armour I hear myself saying things
"I'll be fine." "I love you." "I'll miss you."
and then they are gone
and I'm not talking anymore
and I am painfully aware I never said goodbye
I don't know how
it's in that basic skill set I was never taught to access
and I wish I knew
because they know I didn't say it
and I may never talk to them again
but I miss them terribly
and I will never get the chance to tell them again
I miss them
I love them
and all I can do is wish
wish that I knew how to say goodbye

There is a little gremlin inside
whom I imagine looks like you
who yells when I eat
who tells me what to do
and makes me mess up
then yells at me then too
he eats at my insides and makes me feel sick, weak, and scared
he makes me cry when I shouldn't and gives me this horrible hollow feeling
It's destroying me
one day it will **** me
you two would be best friends
you've always liked the people who tear me down
it's eating me from the inside out
feeding on my grief and pain
and I can't fight it with no food or expelling what has been eaten
I can't battle it with silver blades and bloodshed
It will destroy me
no one will listen about it
even though they all see
it's eating me