I tried my whole life trying to be perfect for you
my whole **** life
and you walked out
so go ahead and come back today
she may let you back in the house
but you will not be let back in my heart
I was never let into yours anyway

thin lines becoming thicker
shallow lines becoming deep
I add more
and more
and more
line after line
of pain shifting demention and becoming dull
then I'm left hollow and light
to clean up the mess of monster
a monster I know but have never met
as the lines grow
it's presence grows
helping me create more lines in its wake
I add more each time
and each time it gets harder to pull away and stop

the light above my head flickering
onoffonoffonoffonoff
to fast to really label when it is or isn't emitting a thin ray of yellow mist
like my mood
shifting under the flickering light
happysadangrysuicidalhungrynauseoushypertired
fighting for control of my thoughts
always fighting
everything and everybody
and my sides hurt and my stomache hurts
either because I ate at all
or the meagerness of the portion
I talk to my stomach like it's a child
like I'm a mental patient under the rapid flicker
"shh, now don't be so upset," a giggle escapes me then a tear
I want to yell at myself for the silliness of it all
"SHUT UP!" I grit through my teeth to my stomache
"we have to stop eating so much"
It growls like an upset toddler
I punch my thighs in the same manner
then I lean my head back and stare at the flickering light
and recite some poem about getting ready to give up
but I don't really hear myself speak
It's all a dull roar in my ears
I stare at the flickering engrossed
when I come to the outside is dark
my arm is bandaged
my blades scattered by the sink
wasn't I at school?
the bathroom light flickers then dies
leaving one small vanity light
illuminating my face
everything looks sadder like this
but the flickering has stopped
I feel calmer
no feeling fighting for top billing
no frantic onoffonoffonoffonoff
I put on long sleeve pajamas
pick up a book
and climb into bed
where my floor lamp begins to flicker
onoffonoffonoffonoff
and I'm suddenly freezing and burning up
I want to scream
I want punch the bulb so it shatters against the wall
"not...again"

The rain seeps to my bones
Cold
Icy
Where are my shoes
Where is my home
My house
It never was a home
Why am I wearing a tanktop
And shorts
When did it start raining to begin with
It’s really cold
Really really cold
I’m shivering
Shuddering
When did my knees hit the concrete
Where am I
I’m cold
Cold isn’t a place
Here’s a question
When and why did I leave
I’ve lost myself again

I was young so very, very young. I WASN’T EVEN SIX! And you were in high school….. and i trusted you. I followed you and you said you’d keep me safe if I got scared. Then you asked me what I wanted to do. I said play house and then you asked me if I new how we would make a baby. and i was so young….. I said leaves and sticks and then you grabbed me you kissed me and stuck your slimy tounge in my small mouth and then I don’t remember much I don’t remember if you did anything else I don’t remember getting back to the apartment I can’t even picture your face…..I know you've made me put up a barrier on a part of my life I shouldn’t have had to. Why? I WAS YOUR BEST FRIENDS LITTLE SISTER……I WASN’T EVEN SIX!!!!!!! I’m afraid of running into you on the street and you getting your revenge that I told on you and that it ruined your life. I can’t tell people. Why would you you do this to me I just wish I could understand. I just wish i had been given a chance at a normal life and you stole that from me...why?

if I told you about my life you’d be disapointed in me.
the lies and the fear
the self-inflictedness of it all
so don’t look to far behind my mask
’cause I’m not ready to lose you too

Her eyes were so beautiful
I hated it
Her hair so saft
I hated it
Her legs so long
I hated it
Her body so shapely
I hated it
Her fight so weak
I loved it
Her screams so peircing
I loved it
Her blood so red
I loved it
Her skin so cold
I loved it