Nothing could've prepared me for the geared up beauty on the other side of the door. " Oh good, Theon you finally decided to show up. Now before you start yelling about how you don't need a partner, I'd like you to meet Quorra. She just transferred from another guild for some personal reasons, and she's very excited to become partners," Rowan was talking but I couldn't take my eyes from her.
     She was absolutely beautiful. Long, sleek black hair with red tips, full pink lips. And haunting green eyes. This partnership was going to **** me.
No way could I consentrate on killing monsters while she was in action. I could just imagine how her hair would spin as she swung a sword. Realizing she'd been talking to me I decided I should probably stop drooling like a twelve year old boy, and listen.
    " When they told me I could be partnered with Theon the great legend I was shocked as much as I was ecstatic . I'm sorry if I sound lame but I grew up hearing stories about you," Quorra's smile was so wide I was surprised her face hadn't cracked.
"Ah yes, I'm not quite as exciting as the stories convey," I was doing my best to look her in the eye. I wasn't the social butterfly that I used to be.
Maybe it was my growing age, while my physical appearance didn't look a year older than twenty five, my soul grew old with the battle wounds acquired by many years of this life. I was a soldier in need of a break but would no doubt be drafted as soon as my feet hit fresh soil. Abelia was the one who loved being surronded by people, I would let her drag me to her dinners and social outings but she was the one who enjoyed them. I only enjoyed seeing her happy. Her eyes used to twinkle with excitement.
   I averted my eyes, in fear Quorra might pick up on my suppressed emotions. " Hardly believable," she smiled softly. Rowan lounged against the wall with a mocking smirk on his face. When Quorra turned her back to me to sift through her bag I flicked Rowan off, not just for that look on his face, but for the future hell I was about to endure.
    Rowan then decided to drop the biggest bomb on me then, while I was already suffering.
"By the way, Theon, Quorra is going to need a place to stay. And since you have that giant apartment all to yourself , I told her she could stay at your place. Is that cool?" even though he put it as a question , there was only one answer he would take. " Ah, ya sure," I said quickly, wishing I could run out the door and not come back.  Rowan took pleasure in my obvious displeasure.
"Thank you Theon, it's only temporar. Untill I get my own place, then I'll be out of your hair ," Quorra said smiling at me tenitivly, looks like I wasn't the only one feeling uncomfortable.
     Grabbing her bag that sat by the door, I turned to go outside. " I have a car that you can put that in, ah , do you need a ride?" Quorra stammered out quickly. It was amazing how fast things could get awkward. "No, you can follow me to the apartment, it's not far from here, " I said briskly .
Outside I noticed a black SUV parked in the darkest corner of the parking lot. Smart, I hadn't noticed the car going in.  She clicked a button that was on her keychain and the lights on the car flickered. "Is the motorcycle yours?" she asked going to the back of the car to pop open the door .
"Yeah, she's mine," I replied loading her bag into the back. She didn't have much on her. So either she came in a hurry , or she didn't keep much on her.  Rowan had said she'd transferred for personal reasons. "It's beautiful, does It go fast?"
She crossed her arms and leaned against the side of the car. Great she planned on talking for a while.
     "Yeah, that's why I got her. I like to go fast it's exhilarating , the feeling," I smiled at her , and my eyes caught a change in her eyes before she looked down. I could've been mistaken but it looked as if she were blushing. " Well we might as well get going," she mumbled and opened the car door.
I chuckled to myself as I walked back to Racer.
I was going to hell, might as well have some fun before I get there.

There they were
Just the two of them
Surronded by many
Yet in their own world
She laid her head on his shoulder
And he held her tight
Because he wanted her forever
She drifted into the happiest sleep of her life
He saw her and he just smiled
Because he knew
She was happy

Is it wrong to be happy for others
To smile when I see others happy
I saw them
I was happy for them
Maybe because I want to be happy

Is it wrong to want to be happy
I want to be so happy
I feel high
Because I'm so low
Hell seems like a high

Is it wrong to want to be happy
Even after everything I've done
Something in me wants to be happy
But I don't deserve it
So I deny myself the experience of happiness

Instead I intrude on others happiness
Because all I want in life
Is to know how happy feels

like an island,
i sit here surronded by water;
you are my global warming,
the reason i will be swallowed by the surronding ocean;

of my tears.

There she was
lying still on the couch
posing the best she could
with her gaze transfixed
deep into his eyes
basking in the thick silence
that surronded them
the only sound of his charcoal lead
stroking the paper could be heard
His every stroke defined her curve
a little better
His rough hands blending the lines
staining her soul a beautiful shade of charcoal
She could feel him
making sure strokes
thus bringing the woman on paper
to life
she felt her heart slipping ...
slipping from her hand
and on to the paper
the color of her skin fading
and reappearing on his masterpiece
the fullness of her lips
was nothing
as the beauty on his canvas
now owned it
the last thing she felt
was the twinkle of her eyes leaving
adding the final touch
to his creation
and it was when
he broke the eye contact
taking with him
the beauty he sketched  
he left ...
not knowing that
He left the masterpiece behind
on the couch .... !!

Sometimes I find myself waiting
Waiting for the old times
The good times, to come back
Im stuck here in slow motion
Surronded by this constant commotion
Sometimes I break and I have no strength left
No im flooded by the pain
Left to fight this war by myself
I don't know who I am
I barely know whats real
I barely feel

nebious rubber skinned demons
haunting my dreams
eldritch casters of my fate
shape undefined
and vaguely human
they surronded me
and I knew I was asleep
And I couldnt wake up
and I couldn't fall asleep

We've stood togther at the crossroads
I've always been ready at the fork in the road
With my boots strapped tight and a map in hand
Trying to help lessen the weight of the load

We are never there alone though
So my offered guidance you refuse
You hand half the load to stubbornness
And one of you two choose

My choice is to follow along cautiously
Or head down a different road alone
Leaving you and your friend stubbornness
To venture off with all I own

Before I know whats happening
I'm following in the rear
Lead down the path you've taken
On a dark road to despair

It's the same story everytime
You eventually regret the choice
It's always here, in the middle of no where
You start to hear my voice

Miles back, in the light of day
I stood to block the way
But it wasn't my decision then
So you chose to ignore what I had to say

Here in the darkness, surronded by danger
Huddled next to me, your friend stubborness becomes a stranger
Suddenly you depend on me
I'm looked at as the game changer

Thats when the tables turn
Now I'm handed all the gear
The strength you both had earlier
Has crumbled into fear

I get us to the otherside
We are grateful to be alive
For a short time I'm the hero
I'm the reason we survived

But like a circle goes around
The cycle starts anew
At the beginning of another crossroad
I'm left following stubborness and you

It's in the time when you're surronded
By nothing but air
And no one to talk to that the
Pain becomes too much to bear.

It's when you need it most,
That no one is near,
You bottle everything up,
The pain, emotions, and fear.

Starting a new life,
In a place with no one you know,
Can be one of the hardest things,
But it's a fear you can't show.

You have to protect your brother,
He can't know that you're scared,
As if moving across the country wasn't enough,
Then your mom's health - you weren't prepared.

You suit up to take life head on,
Act as your baby brother's second mom,
Take care of your mom, the house,
And family, while trying to remain calm.

It's a lot to deal with,
A lot of pain to bear,
But you're stronger than you know,
And by this, I swear.

Your support stretches across the country,
You've got people who care and love you,
Life hands us things that aren't easy or a choice,
But we know you're strong enough to push through.

May God bless you and your family,
With whatever life may bring you to,
You are always in my prayers,
I put my faith in Him to take care of you.

Dad, I hope you're not in your head,
Hating who you are.
It was an accident, I would still try to.
I hope you have peace, quiet for now.
The heartache that surronded your life.
Easing up, floating away until you feel none.
I don't want you to see yourself right now.
I don't want you to think that all you are was a chronic illness, a brokedown body.
That flames have now kissed.
Know that your intelligence still intimidates me.
Your humour quick, smart.
Even as I watched your body attack itself.
Slowly taking your life away.
As your anger and hate for what your body did to you.
Became all consuming, I still know who you are.
You are the amazing cook, terrible math tutor, lunch at home, you were my picture of strength.
You were the one when I was little to cuddle me.
You were the very proud man, who in a few calls could get it done
Dad,  I can still see your face.
I can still see the fright, the knowledge.
The forfeit.
I want you to know I loved you.
I want you to know I respect you more then any other person in this world.
I was with till the end,
and I know you will be with me.
I almost am excited for it to be my time.
To feel those arms that were so strong when I was little hug me once more.
To hear you say, welcome partner, we are home.
Until then, watch me close and yell at me loud enough for me to hear.
Help me with my choices, get me through this tough life.

You hide me away surronded by mist
And pretend I don't exist
Pull me out when needed me
Then you'd go off and flee

When I needed a shoulder
Father, where have you been?
When you get older
I won't be so keen

When you want me to lend a hand
You will never understand
You gave me rejection
Now it's my turn to do the nelection

Do you remember the love affair that killed us all?
The one that made you feel something your marriage did not,
The one where you fell in love with a *******,
And she fell in love with you, a married man.

The mighty God above watched you as you smiled at the glorious kiss you shared on her lips,
Her lips that tasted of cheap wine and her strawberry chapstick.
Does your wife taste her when you plant a kiss on her lips when you come home?
Does she taste the lies between your lips?
Or the love you made to your lover in the days inn hotel?
The girl you lie about to your mother-

Tell me, how does it feel to hide away in a hotel?
To hide away your lover and tell her the things you never dared to tell your wife?
How does it feel when you walk into church and feel so unclean?
To be surronded by the holy and be the only impure man in the room.
Wash away your sins in the love you make to your lover,
Wash away the blue,
Wash away the sadness you feel after a few beers,
Bury yourself away in those suicidal thoughts you have at night,
Tell yourself everything is going to be okay,
Lie to yourself like you always do,
Drive yourself crazy,
Drive yourself away from the perfect life you live,
Shatter it all like a vase,
Shatter yourself away-

Do you remember when you left your wife?
After months of hiding your secret, your sinful affair,
After all the lying and all the fights you caused,
The broken home you've created, the living fear you started.
How did it feel to make her cry?
How did it feel when you unleashed the deadly lies?

wings I take with me
I take flight and fight , yes fight
Gliding on the wind

On its breast I lay
On its heart I stay
A thump, thump, thump
That mirrors the bump, bump, bump

A different scene is set as I wash up on the
Sky's current
The clouds it's swishing wave's
The seas of above

Destroyed by shame
Destroyed by pain
I was capsized
And drowning
As I fall
Fall
Fall
Fall
Down
Farther
Farther
No
Sound
Take
Me
To
The
Ground
I was surronded all around
An alien sent to probe the minds of the earths children
I was only flying

First time I saw you
You were sprinting into the wind
And I laid back on the grass
Under the sun, lost in mind
Why was it so hard for me to say the truth?
That I chose a girl that lived closer and another because she opened her mouth and legs and heart to me

Sorry I rather give you a poem you may not care for
Than money to drink and eat though I have no regrets in providing
This life has turned my heart into stone
Unsure if youre the angel I believe you are or
If another man has you in his bed when I left room for you in my own
Nervous if your sweet text are sarcastic words you show to your pretty friends and they laugh at the joy of being women
Understand Love has broken me and I put myself together into a man my mother cannot even recognize

I feel so distant from the seventeen year old athlete you first met and felt attraction for
That placed his heart on the track to keep it away from home
Who tired his body so he can sleep through the chaos outside his bedroom door

Now, rocking from side to side as I eat, trying to find balance in my body and in my desire for your hand in marriage
A salty sailor with unpublished dreams and a desire to make average to a little above salary, almost mid twenty without a car

Im afraid you want that lost athlete and not the chain smoking sailor though we wear the same face and love you more than anything this world can offer

After taps, during watch, out in the rippling sea, surronded by stars from east to west, I think of you and how beautiful we can be but for the rest of the day I try to find peace that what we speak maybe fantasy

I stand here in the sand, my toes hidden, kisses of white and yellow foam brought to me by the ocean. The sky is just as dark and just as deep as the water; I cannot tell where the sky ends and where the ocean begins. I look at the sky and my eyes search for starts, but all I see is darkness.

Not long ago there had been light and there had been hope. The horizon was promising, the exciting feeling of coming home, the familiar smell of salt and sand. I still didn't know why, still was not aware of what had put in my heart the will to come. But something had, and now that I was here, all I wanted was to run.

After the events of last summer I had been hesitant of coming back, but after all those years, all those summers, there was no way I was going to run again.

However, at the very first moment I set foot on this town I knew. I knew that something had changed and it didn't took me long to realize what it was.

Deeply I breathed, lungs feeling with the familiar sensation, mind swirling with memories. Memories of this town, of past lives, of forgotten shadows and people. People, that is what the town is missing. It's a deserted island.

I break my trance and I walk away from the ocean, never looking back; that is what I had lived by; but now...

As I walk away, towards the quiet streets, the sky gets darker. I take the black leather gloves in my back pocket and I put them on, cover my weapons.

The town is not big, just a piece of land surronded by ocean. Buildings of metal and concrete; glass and lifeless structures. It used to be alive, over-flooded with cars, people and magic. Everyone walked the streets freely, nothing bad ever happened. It was the safest place on earth. Now, however, everything was different. What had been alive was now dead, there was a draught, an empty hole.

And all of that, because of me.

I walked these streets, over and over again. I knew the path as the back of my hand, I could do it in my sleep. Left turn, ten blocks down, two left and you arrived. A white house, or that was what it used to be not so long ago. No the ivyq my father had fought for so long had won. All around the house, ivy climbing up and down, turning corners, entering windows and blocking doors. And that ivy was now dead.

And between that darkness, and between that death, there was something else. At first it was just a hum, that became a rustle and then was just a tap. There, near the dead ivy, on top of a statue stood a starling. Small but powerful, eyes piercing mine.

The ivy is dead now, it seemed to sing. What are you doing now? It seemed to ask. The ivy is dead now, what are you doing now?

"I don't know, I don't," I told the starling.

But the ivy is dead, you know that, it mocked me.

"No, maybe it's not. It's asleep!" Because that it was I saw, what I wished.

But the ivy is dead now, what are you doing now?

And so I ran again, but I could not escape this deathly staring.

But the ivy is dead now, what are you doing now?

And I kept running, towards the sea.

But the ivy is dead now, what are you doing now?

And I hit the sand.

But the ivy is dead now, what are you doing now?

And I searched the sky.

But the ivy is dead now, what are you doing now?

And there were no stars.

Here I am.
With the ocean out in front of me.
Watching the waves crash into the rocks.
Sun shining on my back.
Sand inbetween my toes.
A place most dream of going.
A place people vacation too.
Run towards to escape their everyday lives.
I live in a place of beauty.
As I watch this amazing scene most only see in movies.
My thoughts lay hundreds of miles away.
In the life I had this time last year.
If going back was possible,
I'd seize the opportunity without a second thought.
I don't know why this is all so hard.
All I do is write.
All I write about is him.
The boy I love doesn't even exist anymore.
Yet I spend all my time wishing to leave this island.
Wishing to go back to the time he did exist.
To this time last year when he was my bestfriend.
But I cant...
I'm just stuck with my thoughts in the past.
My dreams in a future I will never get.
Surronded by beauty I struggle to see.

Am feeling as if Time & Detachment of sensibility to my enviroment people and thoughts are retained and analyzed to comform to my pattern of thinking...as if I am slightly comforted by a sense of relaxation/laziness that makes time pass in a form of carelessness and desensitization. My body is enormously relaxed and has a natural sense of calmness. Entuned and warped with light ease of mixed emotinal stress & the pressures of life are reduced by this slowed calm and relaxed feelings of peace & it's release of mental frustrations and stress. Time and space seem to be flowing more at ease with a touch of carelessness and relaxed sense of being comfortable in my own skin, enviroment and the people am surronded with. Perhaps I am slightly detached from feelings of anxiety, triggers to use and emotional stress have been diminished. I have finally let go of my obsession to use destructive substances...just for today I am clean & maintaining sober posture.

sometimes i denied the importance of a breath
that keeps me ajar in times when everyone sleeps
a secret keeper of my naive heart
that has now been surronded by orchestra
a fresh start as if flowers have just erupted out of a fertile land
seeing through such veil,
behined the bars of the old wet times
i miss them, so eagerly, so wantedly i miss them
that my heart goes silent suddenly ,in a memory!!
i painted my walls, the color was so bright i cudnt see the amber,
i decorated my art wall with random childish faces, that made me smile even when i am astray,
she said today when she came upstairs, remember the ones that made themselves surrender in ur love,
and yes that love, a true love, will stay in a room filled with cups,
empty, full of beer, juices of different colors, and beverages of all types,
i put down them on the table bedside,and in nights i remmeber the laughters and joys...
and than tym flies on until i am flourished with the orchestra of different llyrics
and flowers are still fresh on my bed,a bald womb yet,
still filled up to my dreams,
a life so swift, a time keeps on drift,
until dawn turns to dusk and dusk to dark armor of night,
and untill u take last minute of  breathe, of ""The end"" sight!!

Alaa, wake up my dear. Please wake up, look your mother has got milk for you.

Sitting on the ****** floor, covered in dust and tears he said “ he was my little brother”

Where is my son muhammad? Where?
“ what is his full name?”
Where are you muhammad? Muhammad?
Yes this is our son. God be willing.
The mother cried quietly and said, my Muhammad
Father said:
“Give him to me , please, illl carry him”
The mother said
“Noo, ill carry him, he is my dear son. Dnt come near to me, if you will come near, ill never forgive you
Look everyone, this is my dear muhammad, God be with you my dear child.”
And she held him in her lap, carrying him on the dusty streets, surronded by death , fear and destruction. She did not care, for her whole world she was carrying in her arms.

We will come back my Aleppo, we are leaving you with teary heart, but wait for us my beautiful Aleppo, we will come back

She stood infront of the rumbles of her beloved home and for the last time absorbed it in herself and bid a goodbye

She went to her broken home, but the plants in her backyard were still green inspite of shelling and bombs, she plucked one stem and tearfully left the last step from her home, kissing the wall and the door.

She was 9 months pregnant , the shell hit her, they did c section and took out the child. He was motionless and did not cry, they did cpr , pat his back by keeping him upside down, rubbed him hard and atlast he cried hard, and the room beemed with ALLAH  O AKBAR.

A kind hearted Dr. Hamza, who revived my faith in kindness and humanity.

Love to me, is like going to a concert

mouthing the words to a song that I don't know the lyrics to
with a voice that I don't have.
Tears in my eyes
surronded by strangers
who all feel the same,

but they're not the same.

One of humanities biggest flaw
might be
that we die to young
and forget to quickly

You spend all your life
figuring out who you are
where you belong
grasping for a purpose

Trying to figure out
your faults and problems
Are those yours
or just inheritance?

Trying to remember
what went wrong in the past
Clinging to a made up story,
half reinvented anyway
Trying to learn, to predict, to better yourself
to fix yourself

Reclaim what was lost
pick out
the good from the bad
what's to keep and
what must go

And then
after years of reflection,
of trial and error
when you finally feel like
you might have a clue
...

You're over
your body's beaten and sore
your time has passed
Your mind, your body, your soul
broken down, taken apart
rebuild over and over

Each time wearing thinner and thinner
all of your energy is gone,
invested and spend
in your pursuits
How noble

You might find yourself
trying to teach whoever's dear
what you've concluded
what you have learned.

They won't listen
just as you did
in the past

The rumbling of the old
is white noise to young minds
The loud silence of age
The wisdom in the pause
of important teachings
lost in thought

A flickering lamp
in the dark
on it's last breath
covered in dust

On it's last moments
surronded by nothing but moths,
misguided creatures
clinging to warmth, to the flame

Desperate to find a way,
to find rest
or maybe simply
not to be
alone.

Short lived lifes to an old one now lost,
and laid
to rest