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Bad Jokes Inc Jun 2014
I was walking down the street
Had an urge to *****
Saw a ***** dumpster
this looks nicer than the girl I dumped'r

I unzipped my pants
shat on the plants
got nice and hard
and shot off harder than a pornstar.
(**** THAT DIDN'T RHYME)

I have too much time
because all I do is shoot slime
all over the back
of a president who is black.

I like *****
I bang *****
I make them ***
faster than a game of putt putt.
(****** I CANT ******* RHYME)

All of you poetry snobs
are more stupid than calvin and hobbes
You will never be as successful as
Steve Jobs.

End of story. Because I am about to write another ****** poem.
I hate poetry.
Becky Littmann Jul 2014
**** YOU HEAT.....
You cause my *** to get burned by my seat!
Every time my cheeks & the leather meet
Feels like hot coals under my feet
Right through my shoes.....******* too concrete
& that's the sidewalk not even the street
Swimming.... A refreshing treat
With ice cream to eat
Mission keeping cool complete
Adios hot weather I won't be beat
You're so sweet
Thinking you could defeat
....instead you're running away in retreat
Hopefully you don't attempt to repeat
.....risking to become obsolete
& I won't be discrete
Leaving the seasons incomplete
Then spring & fall can finally greet
Erasing summer as quickly as CTL ALT DELETE

.....this Facebook status was a rhyming top of the top elite
& it deserves a retweet
Flowing on a roll like tires on sleet
Or wind through holes in a sheet
If I want a retweet, I better go send out the first tweet
**** this flow is neat
When I finished & read it, I was like "awwww ****, *****, *****"
This started as a Facebook status one day just because I was feeling creative & it was really hot outside. I couldn't stop going though so it became an epic little rhyme.
James Floss Mar 2019
1.  Shoot *****
2. Ski
3. Free-dive
4. Sky-dive
5. Vote Republican
6. Eat raw fish
7. Play naked volleyball
8. Eat haggis
9. Walk on coals
10. Yodel
11. Visit Somalia
12. Jell-O shots
13. Learn Klingon
14. Fish
15. Sell *****-wigs
16. Drink Genesee Creme Ale
17. Run a 5K
18. Pay mortgage
19. Divorce
20. Shoot ******
21. Go to Tupperware party
22. Drink Gatorade
23. Visit Poughkeepsie
24. Tend bar
25. Serve on a ******* trial
26. Eat glass
27. ****
28. Trump rally
29. KKK rally
30. Watch Sally Fields in The Flying Nun
31. Attend a MegaChurch
32. Listen to Death Metal
33. Watch American Dad
34. Moonwalk
35. Eat brussel sprouts
36. Watch Fox News
37. Turn 20
38. Turn 30
39. Turn 40
40. Turn 50
41. Turn 60
42. Turn over in my grave
43. Eat a tern
44. Teach Fall term
45. Terminate a solemn vow
46. Take a vow of silence
47. Disavow core beliefs
48. Operate a snow plow
49. Forget that I do know how
50. Insinuate
51. Dissemble
52. Lie, cheat and/or steal
53. S'Mores
54. Wet my bed
55. **** my thumb
56. **** a duck
57. Watch Little House on the Prairie
58. Rent a yacht
59. Not rescue animals
60. Not neuter pets
61. Not give to Food for People
62. Not appreciate Public Radio
63. Not appreciate Public Television
64. Knot like a Boy Scout
65. Play Parcheesi
66. Pay credit interest
67. Feign interest
68. Pinterest
69. Instagram
70. Eat spam
71. Exam cram
72. Karaoke
73. Jet-ski
74. Snowmobile
75. Pretend what the ******* are going on and on about matters (whoops; that’s number 67)
76. Blame my parents
77. Not take responsibility for my choices
78. Invest in oil futures
79. Renege on promises
80. Waste my time listening to telemarketers
81. Waste my time listening to zealots
82. Waste my time listening to racists
83. Waste your time
84. Waste my time, I hope
85. Not seek truth
86. Not seek answers
87. Not be authentic
88. Not be xenophobic
89. Accept lies
90. March lockstep
91. Buy the latest and greatest
92. Be consumer extraordinaire
93. Not be present
94. Not be conscientious
95. Not be good to my fellow human beings
96. Consume too much
97. Waste too much
98. Boast too much
99. Post too much
100. Not think about consequences
101. Not be me
Jeremy Duff Jul 2014
I'm a vampire girl and you're my meal,
you know that you are.
I'm ******* on your neck,
like it's happy hour at the bar.
Wait, that doesn't make sense,
who drinks alcohol through a straw?
To each their own, just as long
as your quick on the draw.
Gunslinger,
shooting down clouds like *****,
popping pills,
turning fake nerds into mince-meat.
Shepard's pie,
with extra cheese,
thank you very much,
did I forget to say please?
Where are my manners?
You know I adore you,
I'll do that thing with tongue
and you know I'll show you.
Oculi Nov 2017
It's the return of the gangsta, thanks ta
Them bustas that thinkin' they real trouble
Them ******* that tellin' me I'm but a bubble
I'm the real **** ******* don't point at me
I'm everything you and your buddies wanted to be
It's the return of the real G, ***** *****
I could straight up ****** you without the beat
I'm nothing like any of you think, I'm the danger
All you be seeing in my is just some ******* stranger
Lemme acquaint you with the las thing you'll see before you fall
******* thinking they're cool

They be thinking I'm a ******* busta
All they be seeing is I ain't a hustla
I ain't nothing but doom to you, lil *****
I ain't the one who be seeing the dirt in the ditch

I ain't Brown or André, I ain't no name in this *****
But it's still the return of the gangsta
Out here to kick yo *** back to when you had a masta'

It ain't happenin' again, ain't nothan'
No bebop ****, no big hood thangs
Just realize you outta line
Cause you ain't got a ******' dime
Bite my dolla', *****
A spiritual successor to two songs:
Outkast - The Return of the "G"
Danny Brown ft. Freddie Gibbs - The Return of Danny Brown
So yeah, it's pretty much rap.
Brett Bender Jun 2014
Hello I missed you my dove
From your perch up above
I can never reach you
So your feathers turn blue
But they still shine so bright
When I wish you goodnight
But you're so far away
Carry on day by...

Hey is that you on my phone?
I've had too much Patrone
Words they slur I can't think
Why'd you show me this...?

Hey **** that noise get the boys
Lock your load **** your toys
Silhouettes every night
Make them stop with a...

Broken like rides at the fair
My tongue spits out your hair
Portraits move on the wall
Come to life watch your...

Sorry no promise I catch
All the worries you sketch
In the back of your head
1,000 years you'll be...

"Down with my boat" captain wrote
Water rose to his throat
From the window to wall
Ah ***** ***** *******...

Bawl as they crawl to their tomb
In the woods where we spoon
And when I hug your back
We can fly by the moon
we've met before

We took some time off work, to meet for lunch. A flight of stairs down from the sidewalk.  A basement
coffee/book shop with ubiquitous old-Seattle esprit.  Our easy conversation passed hours like minutes.

No, we met first on the sidewalk. I thought it was you because you were standing, waiting, looking at your
phone, wearing a *(why are they all?)
oversized firefighter's jacket.  A man in uniform.

Actually, we met online.  I was curious, checking out the site.  Only one guy caught my interest, you
emailed me first.

But I think we've met before.  When I first saw your eyes, I recognized you from when we were infinite.
I saw the deepest, clearest water and peace, a glimpse of life in love and summer sun.

...


The picture on the cover

4 dates since we met, 9 days on the calendar, each one a surprise.
a coffee date, mt biking, (you rented the best bike for me)
***** shooting (oh, you loved the sight of me with a gun)
visiting your dad discussing books and gardens, then a surprised brother;
God, you knew the best food for dinner tucked into small funky streets.

Then today, a hike. A firehouse lookout at 10,000'- scrambling boulders, a skinny precarious
ladder to the top.  The view is epic, cliffs fours sides, miniaturized trees way down,
sun rays to this warm spot on the wrap-around porch for lunch, tucked out of the wind.
The sandwich you made just right.  You had me at avocado.

Thin air and a delicious little bottle of sake from a wooden box-cup made us giddy,
trying to figure out that Japanese label, some cartoon figure of a victorious mean Samarai?
So we named it Kick-*** Sake, and I took a picture.
Then you asked me to marry you.
And I said yes.

...

She knew

A black plastic nametag with white letters,
slightly off-white and not-so-flat from a trip or two through a bachelor's dryer.
I remove it from the bottom of the washer, lightly ******* the engraving,
and ask what's your middle name, this letter T?

From the kitchen you say, my grandmother named me,
with a private grin.
She might have been kinda drunk.
Walking behind me, your caramel-rich low voice in my ear,
TsuneoKawehiwehiokekuwahiwionouaioku'uhome.
(saying with careful pronunciation)
Tsu-nay-o-Ka-vay-hee-vay-hee-oh-kay-ku-va-hee-vee-­on-oh-vay-ee-o-ku-u-**-may
and I was just sent

No, she wasn't drunk, she knew exactly what she meant.
Kapunawahine, holding her little mo'opuna kane,
sensed your father was restless with rock fever.
He would be moving away to the mainland with you soon, so she says to you,
*This land of water and special rainforest trees of the mountains, Hawaii, is always beloved home.
life nomadic Jan 2013
4 dates since we met, 9 days on the calendar, each one a surprise.
a coffee date, mt biking, (you rented the best bike for me)
***** shooting (oh, you loved the sight of me with a gun)
visiting your dad discussing books and gardens, then a surprised brother;
God, you knew the best food for dinner tucked into small funky streets.

Then today, a hike. A firehouse lookout at 10,000'- scrambling boulders, skinny ladder to the top, 
the view epic, cliffs fours sides, miniaturized trees way down,
sun rays to this warm spot on the wrap-around porch for lunch, tucked out of the wind
The sandwich you made just right.  You had me at avocado.

Thin air and a delicious little bottle of sake from a wooden box-cup made us giddy,
trying to figure out that Japanese label, some cartoon figure of a victorious mean Samarai?
So we named it Kick-*** Sake, and I took a picture.
Then you asked me to marry you.
And I said yes.
.
.
Copyright © 2013 Anna Honda. All Rights Reserved.
kirklefrance Feb 2013
based on the info collected within the last 2yrs of living amongst humans I have concluded that there exist little loyalty between members of the species,whose natural characteristics even in the most domestic of them all is to be pompous and pretentious.I swear they are grouped with the most deceitful of animals and will break any alliance as long as the reward is in the leas bit beneficial too 1...I hope we never contact aliens cause if they are advanced they would view us as a disease and would eradicate the entire planet(well if i were an alien i would)..humanity as fragile as we are still filled yet with guile and find reasons to do things without known reasons..every other animal on the planet lives for the survival of its species..humans have the highest continued and overall inner species death rate but also claim to have the most common sense or mental perception...we re always thinking always finding..but obviously have missed the mark and cant figure this **** out(life)..due to selfishness greed hatred ... jealousy and envy.i've seen strife caused for thee least imporrtant of matters men killed for petty change,women sell thier bodies for lil cash everyone selling out just to buy a stash of hash get high to high to complete the 100yd dash..we've lost it and it cant be found..love flew out the window now all i see is wolfs around..if i dont get off this planet **** im gone drown..if they dont **** my *** first..inquisition??you wont hear a sound..so i frown upon the phoney the real and the make believe cause all in all humanity is just a ***** stain on my sleeve
Marty Funkhouser Jan 2010
To you I bequeath
a sigh of relief.
So take a seat,
cause I'm about to *****.
Diane Jun 2013
Four years of hopes flung into the sky like clay discs
of a ***** shoot and foolishly, I think
that they are real pigeons with wings colored
in iridescent shades and cooing softly to me

“I am coming home.”

I do silly things, like clean my house, buy new
******* and his favorite foods. I push all other
men away and wait, so I won’t risk rejection or
inflict wounds by betraying this man who

does not even belong to me.

As the date approaches, the estimated time
of arrival becomes more and more obscure
like the day he left for California and never
came back. And the innumerable

broken promises every day thereafter.

“I won’t be here a year” he says. But year two
hides him safely in west coast crevasses. “No I
won’t come to see you” declares year three
“they confiscated my electronics,

I am not supposed to talk to you.

I beat myself in the head with a golf club, don’t
you see how much I love you? I am coming back
for you in year four; why didn’t you wait for me?
In rushing water I stripped naked  

37.83 N, 122.54 W and carved a poem

about us into a rock but I needed to prove that
I am normal, so I loved and ****** the autumn
haired girl. Why won’t you talk to me? How
could you hurt me this way? My song set

tells the story of you

but I cannot let you hear it because you have
abandoned me.” One by one, the hopes are
shot down, “pull!” cries his fears and erratic
behavior, because I broke his silent contracts

by moving on with my life.

How many times will I scold myself saying
that I never should have answered the phone?  
If your muse is tragedy, you must continually
feed it. Now is it he or I with the spoon in hand?

Mounded spoonfuls of clay pigeons.
Tryst Apr 2015
The poet's plight, to write
an ode, replete with sweet
nothings, that might delight
a lover's feet to meet
at night; the promised sight,
so neat and so complete!

A playful beat, complete
with airs so bright, I write
for her; how right! The sight
of her a treat, so sweet
and so much heat! We meet,
dancing tight, such delight!

A kite may know delight
above the street, complete
with string and sheet that meet
the wind; tonight I'd write
a suite of kites! My sweet,
quite lovely is thy sight!

Oh wistful wight, to sight
thy sprite, is sheer delight!
I cannot eat, my sweet,
tongue tied to bleat! Complete
outright the song I write,
the feat of how we meet!

We turn to greet, and meet
in flight, the wondrous sight
of doves! "Alight!" I write,
and they ignite! Delight
fades with their tweet; complete
shock! UNDO! DELETE! Sweet!

How fleet our tale my sweet!
Our low-flung ***** must meet
defeat, our tune complete!
I'll recite oft' thy sight,
and cite oft' thy delight,
in ev'ry height i write!
Nathan MacKrith Sep 2019
God gave us the stars to shoot for
so we would have ***** other
than our sister or brother
eager to reach the shooting range we slammed the shuttle door
on our captain’s silver crown
in a sea spilling from His ichor
sack punctured by our hubris we drown-
memes and cat videos worth dying for

We set fire to the shuttle
gasp as our air begins to leave
Amazon(s) choose to scuttle
trees land and humans need to breathe
a musk most putrid rises as we cannibalize our space ex
who’s so far gone as to not come back
her zombie bridezilla tirade wrecks  
our plan it removes futures from the trajectory track

God gave us the stars to shoot for
so we reduced our target to soot
we revelled in our high score
not feeling the pain in our shot foot
and the cats still in secret revery dance their funny jig
sardonic wit stuffed still in every blank screen -small or large-
on the skeleton of our ghastly ghost space rig
reduced to rubble by a friendly depth charge.

God gave us the stars to shoot for
it was we who chose to use a gun
we chose to ram through the door
not checking if it was open
God gave us the stars to shoot for
leaving the details for us to decide
rockets to be built to make war or explore
as shuttlecraft for a human slingshot ride
an arching advance into the beauties of
our Creator made for us to enjoy in love
~
NM
08/25/19
Santiago May 2015
My Version Of Retaliation
[Made Interesting To Read]

I'm crushing brains,
breaking chains, dragging lames, still active in the game, upset ***** still the same, nothings changed people act strange, smell ******* from a long range, nothings authentic soulless genetics human heretic synthetics, walking around wasting, taking up, ******* up, covering up, malicious vicious delirious intent, ***** filthy demons, blind ignorance which they enforce proceed controlled suppressed emotions, a supreme devotion, robots in motion planted in their head, inclined to this secular monetary system, money hungry, silly dummy pertaining to the masses, fooled by the higher classes, believing the lie working as a spy I ask myself why? It's worth to die, your life you apply, placed on the line cross ways guaranteed that *** is mine, gripping quickly strike blood ***** dripping, shake the spot before **** gets too hot, I gotta bounce code blue is announced, dorky trick laying sick, coughing blood spit, head twitching, hands legs body shaking into paralysis, panic attack, unaware at this phase, blood rivers travel the concrete floor, cold body quivers shivers burgundy shore, DNA spill not for the thrill but for the ****, keep it real ambulance arrives 15 minutes later, ended catastrophe what a tragedy, depressing agony covered in a white sheet, head to feet, zipped up black body bag, sealed confined, sent to the corner, a cycle repeated over and over, play time finished game over, I'm taking over, blood mystery, forgotten history, piggyback misery, tossed in the pissery, take it too far toss you across the stars, end up crashing on mars, body parts tear apart, fingers linger in the air, head blown strayed away, legs flying squirting red, all that's left to see is a foot intact to your toes, found your nose, what an overdose you arose I suppose you chose to begin, surely thought you could win, in this silly game of sin, found weeks later hanging from a trash bin, hands down to the grounds, legs in flies landing in, ***** acid begin to eat too juicy to retreat, cats eating tasty meat, dogs snatching bones, birds poking pieces, yummy Reese's pieces, human diseases, I guess that's how it ends for the ones who pretend, act like my friend, making amends I'm a lunatic men, brains blend as I ascend, shatter skulls as my power descends, the light I defend until the end, crack you open in half, scatter you then after gather what matters to you, thought you knew bulletproof assassin's crew, recruiting grew, illegal weaponry strategic tactics, I master put it to practice, highly explosive C4, body parts tore, missing pieces to explore if you asking for more, if not step right out the door,
UNiTY Feb 2017
Woke up
Laundry pile bed
stepped on a tack
messy floor
cereal
spilled milk
don't cry
made coffee
spilled sugar
ants
well ****
got dressed
shirt
backwards and inside out
brushed my teeth
not pearly quite
close though
messy bun
not quite  cat eye
liner
shoes on the wrong feet
no I'm not that dumb
skate down the street
feeling
comfortably numb
not listening or watching
*****
fell on a rock
scraped my knee
blood

I'm an imperfectionist
HIS
EVERTYHING
RIGHT

Wanting you has left my soul suffocating...
Never realizing the length I would go to please you.. guilty by submission..becoming submissive inspite of me not belonging to you..pleasing you always came first..but for you its H.E.R...you say you prefer natural hair...I grew locs in spite of my free spirit that leads me to do a big chop annually...because to me that's me removing all the bad reminders...but for you I made that scarfice..inspite of you wanting H.E.R .....blemished skin...scars of heartache and pain...proclaiming you prefer naturally flawed..over  this mac bottle that makes me feel completely irresistible because unlike other things it hides scars of what made me who I am...but for you I allow this bottle to go untampered with..unlike my heart always being tampered with...but H.E.R...is constantly on your mind.. never taking a moment to realize me putting you first...your only thoughts is of ....H.E.R..how to please and cater to H.E.R every desire...and need... "she has potential to make you happy"...when it's me that constantly strive to make you happy...consistantly taking you in deep until my muscles become weak...I can't compete...because even though I get on my knees and **** you deep...I'm still not H.E.R...and just because I made you ***** in one of your many random places...in fear of pro life with M.E because its H.E.R you desire..I've allowed my soul to weep...because by next week I'll be back in your sheets... giving you all of me...like a piece of prime meat..enough of me to fill what makes you weakkk..never understanding you want me mentally but her psychically...but she doesn't want you psychically...so you imagine H.e.r while doing M.e?  I'm done with never being enough... but always too much for you...let her learn or care to know that you like a person that listens..you're a closed book..that pays attention to vivid detail..you do from the heart with happiness as a form of payment...liking your women of somewhat of a variety but not too much of a variety because if you lived in a world of H.E.R.'s you would be completely satisfied because her outer is what sets your soul on fire...allowing yourself to linger on what little she's gives because she's da bomb in everyway..bomb enough for you to hurt the feelings of someone that would've given you the world..but because my **** ain't "perky" and I'm not a size 8 my validation..means nothing....being super thick is more superficial..I'm self reliant..thick in all the right places..constantly loving you in all the wrong places....I'm not H.E.R I am M.E....My Everything on repeat...repent at my feet because my heart has always been on repeat...you have made me weak...we haven't spoken in weeks...
Nikki.the.goddess
Love yourself first
On the bed sheets
or
the rap sheets
it's
a ***** shoot.

I practise limping
for
when I am limp.

In the boatel which is a
hotel on water
I taught myself to type,
the letters always came out wavy.

The only motion we know is fast
forward and slow down the tape,

the masked man in his cape is
climbing my walls
which makes a nice change from
it being me.
Nathan MacKrith Mar 2020
God gave us the stars to shoot for
so we would have ***** other
than our sister or brother
eager to reach the shooting range we slammed the shuttle door
on our captain’s silver crown
in a sea spilling from His ichor
sack punctured by our hubris we drown-
memes and cat videos worth dying for

We set fire to the shuttle
gasp as our air begins to leave
Amazon(s) choose to scuttle
trees land and humans need to breathe
a musk most putrid rises as we cannibalize our space ex
who’s so far gone as to not come back
her zombie bridezilla tirade wrecks  
our plan it removes futures from the trajectory track

God gave us the stars to shoot for
so we reduced our target to soot
we revelled in our high score
not feeling the pain in our shot foot
and the cats still in secret revery dance their funny jig
sardonic wit stuffed still in every blank screen -small or large-
on the skeleton of our ghastly ghost space rig
reduced to rubble by a friendly depth charge.

God gave us the stars to shoot for
it was we who chose to use a gun
we chose to ram through the door
not checking if it was open
God gave us the stars to shoot for
leaving the details for us to decide
rockets to be built to make war or explore
as shuttlecraft for a human slingshot ride
an arching advance into the beauties of
our Creator made for us to enjoy in love
~
NM
08/25/19
Claire H Mar 2016
SKI
The
l
o
n
g

r Hill
i the      and the fast
d up                                          d
­e                 e
c
s
e
n
d

d
o
w
n
And the chill M
                   U         P
With the  B                       S
And the ICY S
L
I
D
E
As
you guide your way,
gliding over the powder sugar frosted hill

The HUGE Jump
and
the dull THUMP
as you hit
the
icy
snow. Trying to flow, D N
D G Gthe rocks that sscrrrape the planks
O beneath my feet. With the
I rounded edges and the long
bindings.
As you shoot down the hill like you were a *****.
When you
reach the

Bottom


Only to do it over again.
T Nov 2017
As I lay my head on my pillows
I remember the days at the Salem willows
You had beat me at ***** ball
And we ate goat and all
I will keep all the days with me as I sleep
As I pray the lord my soul to keep
All I see when I am in dreamland
Is you and I walking hand in hand
#always
#remember
Jay earnest Aug 24
I heard the tune goes like
la laa laa nah da daa
the trombone fish breath make mint filth frolickers
And gnome nosed needled toes take the token
Too far
la daa nah dahh lee nah
Happenstance and zero hour
awake for a pedigree deciple
Green brown black
Heart attack
Laughing like a dog it's time for a snack
Don't look back
Laa dee dahhh ***** laa dee

The crumpled fist, and the removed go seeking their Messiah
I put dusk in your lungs
Youre dead to me
Dead like my future
***"""""""***

— The End —