I'm sorry that our situationship has got to end
I am the only one who is to blame
Its time for me to stop as if it's all pretend
Now I feel nothing but sorrow and shame.

I'm sorry but I feel the urge to leave
Our situationship has lasted for quite a while
When I think of you I can't help but grieve
Maybe one day we will make up and reconcile

I look about on the good times we spent together
The conversations we had were wonderful and great
I'm sorry we have to end it but its for the better
Please don't think of me as filled with malice or hate

I still hold your hold close to my heart
Dont make this situationship be a memory
Its sad that our situationship has drifted apart
So when you look up above, remember me.

In the question of reassurance.
The single solemn response cannot always end with one that causes
the most anxiety.
The involvement of social media, random dm's, the arrangement of severed ties mended with one thing in mind.
For these reasons insecurity deepens.
Eventually things fall apart.
It's not always about opening your mouth.
There are other ways to be vocal.
Silence becomes deafening.
Defeating the purpose of awareness.
Tempers quickly raise and often the things that aren't meant to be said come out.
Echoing the loudest.
Petty arguments, the excuses that lead us into the messages we're quick to hide.
Despite how much time we've invested, the easiest thing to do is walk away.
Anxiety becoming the fear that pushes us the furthest into ourselves.
It's not always easy.
Opening up,
vocalizing a single woe that begins the journey of a thousand,
if not more.
If forced, we too begin to shut down and contemplate the single best thing.
Being seen as selfish, self-centered.
Quick burst that justifies wrongful intent with one that's right.
It's all about support.
Care & understanding.
The saving grace that bonds the realization that either of us are perfect.
That there are deeper issues at hand that seep far beyond. 
the way we see ourselves, whether we are too big.
Too small, the things we find often too late, said behind our back.

outside of everything else do you truly understand the quality of reassurance.

the equivalent to the moment everything seems to come crashing down.

The times any slight movement brings us down the most.

Equally we both seek the same.

The response reflects the moment.
To defy standard and move to something meaningful.
At a point, the question deserves an answer.

Going in one ear, quickly coming out the other.

To vocalize seemingly in one direction unless the role is reversed

Consumed by the constant rolls that play
Developed so well, recorded so well
Chasing the aroma that gently caresses the keys of the grand olfactory organs
Sinking into the fibers that catch me when I’m melting
They remember the tight grip that I’ve imposed on them
The grip imposed on me
Yet I want to sift through
Entangled by the loose strands I can’t help but to make vulnerable
The sway in the tongue that rolls tones so heavy
Leaves me tender
Such fervor unfolding itself, irritating the chests it lays on
Ethanol giving shoves until the words rupture into your gaze
Listening for more in hopes the shower could saturate me again
Hopeful and tender, I immerse you in ego
Later washing away everything that froth before our eyes
Then repeating the same intoxicating copulation
Until the light breaks through and I’m presented an abbreviated endearment
Leaving me instilled until the next time it’s decided times can concur

It hurts to stay,
but it hurts to leave,
and on paper,
the words find me,
the words that maybe
could put a name to
whatever we are,
because it is not "just friends"

We poke each other
too much to be "just friends",
your bag held my jacket
too long to be "just friends",
your hands stroked my hair
two times more than "just friends"

And whenever you say
"It's okay,"
my mind listens
because at that moment
when a wish and love
are in a perfect paste,
my mind feels okay...

So tell me why now,
whenever I speak your name,
my tongue burns,
oh tell me
when will you learn
that people are not games,
that if you keep pressing
the reset button,
a person might just vanish away...

You make me feel
like the most beautiful flower,
because it's always me
you pluck from the dirt,
it's always you that
trims away all my hurt...

But in your hands, I die
I've died a million times,
And I can't find
a drop of you in this ocean,
am I swimming on my own?
We're both sailors at sea,
but you're steering
this ship terribly,
I do not ship the
situation we're in,

How can love be fun,
when we're both conflicted,
our words restricted,
over-addicted to overthinking,
overtwisting every little thing,
until I am not sure
if I love you,
and you're not sure
if you want me...

But take it easy,
it's not like I'm in despair,
break me;
force a scalpel into my heart,
there's nothing of my own
that I haven't repaired,

I'm caught between
wanting to strip you
of your breath, and
wanting to keep you alive,
even if it'd result in my death.

Something about the moon's phases terrifies me
Maybe it's the movement within me
Maybe it's my manifestations
The cruel end to all of my hesitations
We don't talk anymore but you're always welcome in my head
My head and heart are fighting over the same place
I hardly listen to what they've said
Go ahead and pick your choice, you can have either
I've already ascertained that you'll choose neither
But you are a constant reminder
I ruin everything that could change me for the better
You moved on and said "forget her"
But you can't forget me now, can you?
I've manifested you under the full moon
And you will always be a memory that keeps me full, too
Confused and hardly fulfilled
You were a change that thrilled
I wasn't ready for you and what you brought
And I swing like a pendulum-- more so than I ought
Regardless, I write poetry about you
My subconscious craves you
We have conversations in my head
Where could it have led?
We will live with never knowing,
Those brief moments are dead

Its just ***
So why you catching feelings
When your body was the only part of the deal and
We agreed that your mouth don't come with it
Do you want us to quit?
He would say
As he ****** her soul from between her lips
And tighten up his grip on her hips

You had a choice before
You dont wanna be "just friends" anymore
I never wanted a rrelationship
You got yourself into this situationship
So stop that whining ****
He whispered looking into the mirror that was once her eyes
Before he made her blind
Before he couldn't see through her

I llove what you give to me
I love when you pleasing me
But I don't want you loving me
The *** is just enough for me
It was fun when it was hard to get
Now you're just hard to respect
Now your eyes are clouded with regret
He moaned thrusting into her mentality
Stroking her disabilities
To love herself
To love anyone else
Cause he's all she can see
He's the only thing that's real
He's all she learned to feel
And he's just expecting her to deal

Chill out with the feelings
You're getting unappealing
Your soul is so revealing
The poet in you lost all her meaning
You're demeaning
Youre no longer a woman
You're a substance
You're just a thing
He reveals stripping her of self security
Ripping off the bandage that she placed over her heart so carefully


But you're light
You shine so bright
You're all I think about at night
You make everything so right
But you're making me weak
Love is sweet
But not for someone who makes a living in the streets
I'd rather love you in the sheets
And rip your heart out before you leave
The biggest punishment that life could ever give
Give to you I mean
The biggest punishment would be falling in love with unloveable me
He thought carefully
Quietly
Watching the tears fall from her face
Watching her steps as she leave his place
As his home and heart and soul becomes empty again
He only knows how to cause pain
Only knows how to inflict gentle suffering
Cause everyone he's ever loved left him in the rain
But she let him in
And he's letting her go again.
After all its just ***
So why did she catch feelings
When her body was the only part of the deal and
He gave her the choice before
To be "just friends" and nothing more
Although he wants so Much more .

Across vast seas and starry skies,
In distance, our love does rise.
Through screens we connect, hearts entwined,
A situationship of a unique kind.

Though miles may keep us physically apart,
Our love knows no boundaries, it's a work of art.
With patience and faith, we carry on,
Knowing that in our hearts, we belong.

Through late-night chats and exchanging words,
Embracing the moments, however blurred.
Virtual kisses and virtual hugs,
Keeping our love alive, like gentle tugs.

Longing for the day when we'll be near,
When distance will vanish, and love will appear.
Until then, we dance in this long distance waltz,
Treasuring every moment, cherishing each pulse.

For in this situationship, we find strength,
Nurturing our love through any length.
Distance may test us, but together we'll sway,
In this long distance situationship, come what may.

I've fallen hard, please don't scar me
All I can ask is what are we
You say we're friends but it feels like more
I've never felt this kind of way before
Youre the madness, I'm the badness, together we combine
All I wish is to call you mine

I’d love you less if you were here
crowding my dorm bed, nibbling me,
rubbing me like sandpaper

I’ve come this far all by myself
I am a stone, leave me alone

Let’s keep it nonchalant
don’t kiss me on the lips
don’t label this a situationship
because then one of us would need to care

The endless game, of who did who wrong..
Our situationship is sadder than any love song.
All of our tears drowned all 3 of our souls.
This wasn't suppose to happen, it's not how happy endings are suppose to go..

We’re 6 roommates, on summer vacation before our sophomore year and we take turns planning our nights. Last night was Sunny’s choice so we found ourselves at “Sister Louisa's Church,” one of the fun gay bars in this little college town. We’ve been to 5 LGBTQ bars in the Atlanta area this summer and they’ve all been skittles.

This being a Lesbian bar, we all felt empowered to dress down, dance a few times, and just have some harmless fun. “Hmm.., Sunny said, wrinkling her nose, “I think queer or girly are better terms than lesbian. Lesbian seems to have a mascular take - like we want to be boys - and that’s not it at all.”
“I bow to your superior, informed, cultural finickiness,” Lisa noted.

WE dance a few times but Sunny never stops. One moment Sunny’s there, for a swig of her drink and the next, she’s twiring off with some attractive (30ish?) woman - it keeps happening. “We need to put an apple tracker on her.” Bili said, but when the songs ended she always came back to us.
“That womyn had more than two hands.” Sunny said, gulping on her drink and fixing her hair.

It was time to go, past time actually. We’re on a schedule these days. We spend our mornings playing disc golf or water-skiing and our afternoons studying. We’re trying to re-engage with college work in a gradual, 3 hour a day, low anxiety way.

Sunny (A molecular, cellular, and developmental biology major), Lisa and I (Molecular biophysics and biochemistry majors) are all on the pre-med track. Next year we’ll tackle physics together and we’re already grinding away on examples of the problem-sets we’ll see next semester. So far the shared stress has helped the next-level classes seem easier and more engaging.

I was the watchdog last night, sentenced to preventive sobriety, and tasked with corralling everyone when the time came to leave. “Fair warning!,” I said loudly, between songs, “reality is going to *****-stab you ladies in the back tomorrow morning.”
“I think you mean *****-SLAP,” Leong said, ever the aphorism police.
“Whatever it is, it’s going to hurt.” I amended. I’d been working (whining), stubbornly for half-an-hour to convince them to leave and finally, I said, “I’m texting Charles.”

OH, THEN the girls started gathering their things. “Ok, Yeah.., I see how it is.” I added, holding my phone like a grenade with the pin out.

The following morning Anna’s situationship broke up - by text - as if to add to the pain of her hangover. In situationships, it’s inevitable that one stakeholder will hope for more - but you have to paint it as casual, as no big deal. She’s pretending she doesn't care but anyone can see she’s been crying.

On the other side of the emotional universe - I’m riding-a-high - because Peter, on a facetime call, said he missed me - but it’s not just that - he seems more energetic, interested and actually romantic. I like us together. We’re choral (there’s no definable lead). I’m practically snoopy-dancing around the house.

11/24/2017

Everybody says i dodged a bullet
But the bullet landed
As for the trigger, was it him or me that pulled it?
I thought he helped my heart expand its hard to think i even could with
Both feet braced on solid ground
Our situationship wasnt planned
I know its hard to understand
From the outside its easy to brand me
Can we analyze every time i noticed how masterfully he handled me?
I understand that time is the only poultice
But for a moment Id like to be candid please

The bullet landed and it travelled
It ripped a path through my flesh
Day by day i ate less and less
Let this be as many lessons
As you can manage to pull from this
The side pieces and the rest is all fluff and *******
He put strings on my heart and pulled it
And i danced and said “how high”
And my soul became dull it became harder and harder to wake up every day
Is it ok to say the only redeeming quality is that he never struck me?
But i wanted to escape the pain of being stuck he told me never, ever again to cut
He didnt see that he was the reason i needed release
The Mona Lisa was out of luck

Finally the bullet festered
The pain became so great
And the benefits so much less
The bullet ripped a path
I cut it out and sealed it back
Now the bullet is nothing but waste
And i can find a new way to relate
New tissue to create
It takes talent to close, to suture they say
“Approximate, dont strangulate”
And now the bullet is disposed

So they say i dodged a bullet
But the bullet landed
It ripped a path through my flesh
Til i became so much less
And the wound began to fester
So i cut out the bullet and cleaned up the rest
Now i have a scar to show the truth
The bullet landed
And i still choose
Not to be bulletproof

No my name’s not Bennett , but I’m really in it.
Never one to just go with the flow,
I’m just trying to win it.

Not wanting my relationship to be a situationship; it’s dangerous.
Can’t even see the monsters that you’ve made of us.

Raising up.
Raising brows.
Cover up my own smile.
Thinking I could fill the void by having me a second child.

My hearts full.
Full of emotion.
Full of neglect.
Full of myself.
Full of my friends and loved ones that are left.

Feeling out of touch, I’m trying to change my life and run it up.
The marathon continues , but I can’t be no runner up.

Dumb it down.
Sound it out.
Passion’s what I’m all about.
Crazy, but I want a happy home before I get a house.
Feeling by myself but it’s like ten people on the couch.

It ***** for me.
But soon I’ll reach my clarity, guess lucky me.

Stuck to me.
Looking up the definition of custody.
My words and my heart’s all I got left, don’t give a **** to me.

I need a hug.
Find comfort in myself but I can’t see the love.

Back and forth with self worth.
Thinking bout my son’s birth.
AMB, this thing will last forever long as I’m on Earth.
Almost had that took away.
I’m suffering like every day.
Mentally I’m in maze, trying to fix these evil ways.

Evil thoughts.
Thought about it all when my last breath was caught.
Almost in a hole for real, my demons had a hold of wheels.

Heal just to rebuild, but I ain’t got the time, I pop a pill.
Things been wrong for so long that I can’t even taste a meal.
Chasing thrills.
Heavy with the consciousness, maybe I am too chill.

Rolling down the steepest hill, premeditate my own will.

we found each other

when neither of us were looking.

unaware of it at first but then we collided full force & without a doubt that this could work.

one look into each other's eyes & we knew just how we felt. we knew what we were thinking with not a single word needing to be spoken.

you were always the one i would look for in a crowded room...and when i found you, it's like everyone & everything else would fade into the background & fall away...

like nothing. else. mattered...

i told you i wanted you...all of you & all of your darkness as well as light.

i wanted to know you...really see you.

and when i finally did, i still loved you...

when you saw the real me, you couldn't love me back...

sweet memories quickly turned sour...
& was it even our fault?

was it even our fault?...

a relationship turned "situationship"...

there's never simplicity only complexity.

there's always so much to say & no time to say it.

or if there is time, there's no idea on how to express...

i understand you.

i hope you understand me.

i like to think i know you best.

i tried to integrate myself into you but it only scared you away more...

i see you...

i like to think you see me too
but this time you acrually like what you see...

You keep me at arm's length because I'm not enough for you
You keep me at arm's length because you don't know if I'm what you need, but you don't want to lose me either
You keep me at arm's length so that if I stab you in the back, you'll see it coming
You keep me at arm's length because you've built up a wall that will only allow parts of me in
You hold me at a distance so that when your insecurities put space between us, you won't even notice
You hold me at a distance because you're scared that I'm exactly what you're looking for
But what you don't realize is that pushing me away only makes me want to fight for you more
With every unspoken word that falls between us
I lose respect
Don't show me you care only to take it away when a better opportunity comes along
Don't tell me I can come to you with my problems only to become one of them
Of course you want more than what I can offer because good is never good enough
If you deserve happiness
What do I deserve?

The beauty and the struggle in loving,
It’s really something,
I love, loving.

The affection, the passion, the slight imperfections of the affections I hold dear in my heart,
It’s something authentic,
There was a time when Jada and Will was the aesthetic….
But now I want nothing that resembles them,
I want my own fairy tale a little like the ones on the movie screens, and the book shelves,
One that shares the true beauty of love,
And the beauty of struggle,
The combination of both of them, that makes relationships real,

Now a days I don’t see the balance,
There’s more love, less struggle, or the complete opposite,
All over media, there’s either this perfect picture couple,
Or a toxic situationship
There’s nothing passionate, affectionate, or authentic about it,
This new age is all about “no labels” and throwing in the towel over the little stuff,
Letting the struggle consume the love, over the little things, with arguing, and blocking, and posting subs,
And It ***** because,
there’s truly a beauty in the struggle of loving,
It’s really something,
I love loving.

It's 5:32 and I'm awake
as I hear my neighbor stepping into his truck to go lay gravel

I've been touching myself and reminiscing
I've been hungry for 2 hours but my brother is sleeping on the couch and I don't wanna disturb him making a tuna melt

My situationship
Is nearing its end.  She's not in the mood anymore, so they say; 'not feeling well'
Perfectly ambiguous
I'm not feeling well yet I still comfort you when you threaten suicide on a near weekly basis

I'm looking out the window now and I see trees
I see nowhereland and faint murmuring, the screams of my future vessel
Saying get out

I must get out
and find a new way
Somewhere towards life

we started off like a fire,
burning bright, intense,
you brought me chocolates the first time we met,
two simple things, but they meant the world

i loved you, god, i loved you so much,
but the second time, something broke,
i couldn’t take even one,
like i was trying to choke down the truth

on my birthday, i blocked you,
****** up and fed up,
i couldn’t stand the thought of you,
surrounded by all those people,
too many faces, too many hearts,
and i felt like i was just another in line

so why did you come back?
why did you crawl back into my life,
after i pushed you away?
why did i get that apology,
that long-*** rant, those words
that cut deeper than any silence?

i read them all, every **** word,
and still, i blocked you again,
like i was trying to protect myself
from the love that kept pulling me in

you were my situationship,
but to me, you were more,
and now i’m left with this emptiness,
wondering why we couldn’t make it work

i blocked you to save myself,
but all i did was tear us apart,
and now, even after everything,
i still can’t get you out of my heart

My failed interaction turned to a situationship
Now I'm consoling myself, it's not that deep.
Crazy how I thought, finally, she's for keep
In the end, what we sowed is what we reap.

I'm left wondering about my self-sabotage
Although I'm guessing I was never in charge
I fell for you by choice, and that was large
In the grand scheme of things, I'm bizarre.

How can I blame myself for being human?
For a thing that's a minority in my lifespan
This testimony is proof of life's lesson,
But I'm just not convinced enough to learn.

Mirror mirror on the castle wall,
Who's the next to make me beg and crawl?

I can't help but hurt the people I love
With oozing venom out of my silence
Past regrets wash up against the shores of the sea
Drowning in the holes of grief
Endless pain follows the guilty men
The song that comes after the rain
Brings sorrow in your eyes

Chew on my bitter veins
And choke it all down
With a cup of disregarding nonsense
This sword I slip through your chest
Regardless I hold your hand tightly
I dream for warmth, yet feelings expire  
My love twists, spoilt milk in the heat
Amongst the clean rows of clothes, lies the ***** laundry of mine
Craving for situationship, but instead it hangs you dry
Hot crimson tears keep me up at night

Apologies can't mend the wounds
Salve only hides the scars
The best way to heal is if you let go of this unforgivable sinner
Doomed for damnation, an eternity in hell
I'm burning at the pyre I set fire to
Alluringly sparkling, stroke the flames
Keep your thoughts on my sins, every mistake committed to memory
Sink with me forever

A sorry seeps into my mind
But I can't let you wander alone
Then I beg for you to stay
Forgetting boundaries etched in stone
******* the life out of your marrow
Ending your hopes once more
With your dreams long gone

You lock the door of our only home
Hoping I don't knock and bang and scream
The rain howls out my sorrow
Waiting at the steps of my heels
Pooling a puddle of grief
Turn towards yourself, and realise
What I've made of you

I've destroyed every fiber of your being
Ripped your heart out into shreds
Staked down every single friendship
Growing weeds in your rose garden
I pluck my rotten heart out for you
Displaying my love in its simplicity
Swallow my little memories
And look back for me, please

Fated cycle starts and ends again
The people I've abandoned along the way
A perfect untuned harmony
Slaving away to smoothen the circle
Erasing the points along the line
Paying thousands of my soul
To fix what was lost, and regain your control
Making it a straight road ahead
For a journey that will never end

My condolences for thinking out loud
Poisoning the world with my sounds
Will you stab me in the eye and think
Finally you'll forgive me, my friend
For ruining your life, your everything
Then I can lie and smile brightly, and say a truly useless, but lovely
Thank you.