"mistrusting" poems
i hope, i try to hope
--to believe--
believe me, i try
to trust in trust i think i feel, or think or know
there isn't any code that satisfies
though maybe there's an uber-uber-ultra-meta code beyond what even codes can mean?
meh.
i enjoy the hypothetical,
Paris in a bottle, fairness for all sentient beings, faith in nothing comprehensible,
an English teapot circles Jove from afar
or all that's uncontrollable, for some all-purpose good to decorate the brackish, ocean truth.
and uncertain science is another case,
mistrusting all, testing daring thoughts with razor sight,
to sharpen speech and challenge all
to flex the truth into a fitness ground on which to stand, objective stern
and method doubt to peer and scan the detail bare, denude minutiae
into ever smaller parts, expanse of raw and empty space attuned,
to vibrant nothingness rebound
muons, gluons, tauons, quarks and bosons --Higgs the boon for popular appeal,
to bridge or monumentalize the science-mystic gap
appall the ghosts that Galileo keeps for company
i enjoy the fantasy,
dragons in a flask, perfect love for all, dancing in the dark in joy regardless of the shutter thicken dust
Feb 26, 2013
Feb 26, 2013 at 12:39 AM UTC
swallowing her aching pride with every step she takes
trying to forget, although her lonely heart it breaks
her everlasting hatred for the man who left a void
in her world, forever shifting, unprepared to be destroyed
her eyes, once glistening jewels turned to a bleak mistrusting stare
their depths expose the scars left by a man who did not care.
remembering the pain, the fearsome look within his eyes
the man she thought she loved became the monster she despised
her worthlessness confirmed with every single blow he dealt
the hurt within her heart was numb, the physical she felt
a horrifying calamity, some days she wished to die
the violent mental thoughts left by a man who made her cry
haunted by his judgments, heartless words rang in her ears
whilst her soul was crushed she never let him see her tears
a sordid satisfaction from the misery he saw
from the woman who adored him as he broke her to the core
but then it reached a point where though her self-belief was wrecked
the words that once were daggers suddenly had no effect
no longer did his voice destroy the stillness in her mind
her time was not yet over; she could leave it all behind
a woman who had suffered for so long, without a voice
decided for herself she had the right to make a choice
the bruises that imprinted, purple wounds left on her skin
she’d escape the hell he’d made her, filled with violence and sin
her eyes cold windows to her heart, devoid of such emotion
a stranger to a reckless love of honest plain devotion
her body bears the evidence, her mind is crystal clear
forget about the hatred and keep close what you hold dear
while repulsion made her weary, she stood still and bit her tongue
no longer wept for what once was, the man who made her strong.
Jun 10, 2013
Jun 10, 2013 at 5:43 PM UTC
Pondering if I can be forgiven and free
Knowing I deserve to be drowned in the sea
Searching for something to assuage the pain
Hoping out of this something beautiful I gain.
Mistrusting of people around me everywhere
People only curse; not love, not care
Bewildered why I must go through life alone
With paralyzing silence and no friend to phone.
Yearning to break free of my destructive addictions
Rebuking Satan's false and furtive jurisdictions
I embrace the crucifixion and fall to my knee
Beholding my King who died to set me free.
Then kneeling at the cross, the sky breaks with dawn
My tears and my pain are surprisingly gone
As the Son bursts forth in glorious light
Obliterating the dark and malevolent night.
Jul 3, 2014
Jul 3, 2014 at 7:20 PM UTC
Round 1: New Life
Entered abruptly, this world out of the caretaker’s womb
astonished by the awe of unusual surroundings
so unlike the comfort of the nine month pacifier
images fade in, then out, and in, then out once again
feel this empty sensation, deep inside the belly
initially a murmur, then a monstrous growl
shall this need drive the emerging beast…
Round 2: Survive
Astounded still, by the incentives from the senses
nonetheless, comprehension builds mostly from stumbling
and the consequences of actions may honor or condemn
imitating and discovering, touching and tasting, the wants
hear this curious whisper, deep inside the mind
initially a hum, then a vicarious voice
shall this be the song of a destined course…
Round 3: First Love
Twinkled eyes, with the melody of hypnotizing admiration
wanting so fierce, the heart skips several beats
beauty so pure and deep, the skin becomes totally immaterial
can’t eat, can’t sleep, want to caress this haunting dream
but wait, maybe the feelings lack mutual perception
then to experience the piercing silence of rejection
shall this fear define the character…
Round 4: Nuptials
Exchanged vows, two mates to share eternity as one soul
to nurture one another with the food of selfless care
instead, demons from the spirit’s dark side arose
mistrusting and abusing, suffocating and killing, the love
no room, no place for compassion and understanding
only the refuge for a hollowed indifference
shall this be the start of a fragile heart…
Round 5: Bounce Back
Continued hope, for the chance to champion a cause
to humbly honor the truth in self and in others
reckless to the tangible constraints weighing on the mind
to decease, to desist, the will to life’s tribulations
the blows come and go, a jab here, a jab there
striking with unforeseen yet uncanny precision
shall this bell ring in the final round…
Jul 2, 2013
Jul 2, 2013 at 10:03 PM UTC
At low of night she strokes
Familiar tastes exquisite,
And quietly invokes
The spirit of laureate --
An orphic instrument
Unfit to take for granted.
It’s profound atonement
Stirs in her heart despondent.
Her fragile shell’s embrace
Of wood and gut and metal
Point out her shallow race
And weakness fundamental.
Yet all the night she moils,
Mistrusting augmentation,
And secretly despoils
The overzealous beacon.
-- Kerry Herrmann
Mar 23, 2016
Mar 23, 2016 at 5:20 PM UTC
Came I hither with all the gold possess'd,
Came I hither with all the wisdom gain'd,
Came I hither with all the truth and jest,
Beauty, health, kindness, luck, thou'd'st have complain'd
That I came hither with an underhand
Desire of something greater thus exchang'd,
Unable to conceive or understand
How one who offers free is not derang'd.
Came I hither with all the gold possess'd,
And came I bearing rubies and pearls, too,
Came I hither bearing all the rest
To thine own mortal self, still erring true;
Came I hither, and ask'd nothing, giving
All that I have, and more, and still I err,
For the Lord ask'd nothing of the living,
But sacrifice is matter of a cur.
Mistrusting as you do, with sense, I see,
Love's made not for this world, nor I for thee.
Feb 17, 2024
Feb 17, 2024 at 7:24 PM UTC
she barged so uninvited in my space,
so futile were my palms and outstretched arms,
forbidding her from entering my place,
mistrusting her that she may bring me harm,
rebuttals--counterpunches to my claims
that she was just another soulless ghost--
had penetrated fences, and her aims
to win my heart succeeded more than most,
but here we are almost a year from then,
i've pushed her off, she shares her heart with one
not me, but one who seems above all men,
and i have lost where once i thought i'd won,
now i'm the one who's barging in her space,
my own rebuttals falling in disgrace
(C)2012, Christos Rigakos
Jul 9, 2012
Jul 9, 2012 at 12:35 PM UTC
Each scar on my wrist has a name, but to keep it secret I’ll list them as letters to avoid giving them the fame:
Q- Quivering lips didn’t keep you from taking my innocence. The horrible sound of my legs clenched and pants unzipped.
D- Depression ruled your life and slowly taught mine the only way to feel is to feel nothing more than unreal.
Z- Zombified eyes made me realize you only wanted what was between my thighs. Objectified and used, it didn’t matter to you.
R- Robbed my heart of just about everything. Unfaithfulness and lack of loyalty led to my mistrusting.
A- Aggression isn’t a sign of affection. To pretend is a hard act but to defend is even harder.
These are the five people that led me to scar, and if they read this, they would know exactly who they are.
Jun 27, 2018
Jun 27, 2018 at 9:11 AM UTC
Neither too serious
nor too frivolous-
neither too optimistic
nor too pessimistic-
neither too spendthrift
nor too deep in thrift-
neither too trusting
nor too mistrusting -
neither over-eating
nor under-eating-
neither too confident
nor too diffident -
neither too ambitious
nor being unambitious -
neither over-planning
nor under-planning-
neither too careful
nor being a reckless fool-
this above serves as the Golden Rule
Feb 9, 2025
Feb 9, 2025 at 8:50 PM UTC
A man of this life
knows his story
too well,
he walks the streets
leg one leg two
at just the right speed:
moving at a glide
because it's gray outside,
the frozen tide
of the open cut concrete
is hard underneath
the soles of his worn shoes,
they hold a pair of dart like feet
that walk through
the jagged edges and
changing pathways,
talking in tongues
about lurid destinies
of lacking destination,
a babbling that never reaches an ending,
the two are crooked and bleeding
but they always keep
through this crowded street
that the man
in the palm of his right hand
has learned to hold
a “hello” for,
stretching far from his arm
it is quiet and scared,
so often invisible
but hoping,
not hopeful,
that someone will see
beneath its creased,
mistrusting,
bare naked and often mistaken
surface,
but with it
is a perfect fist
strapped like a puppet
to this tacit brother
in the man's
left pocket,
fingerless and mastered
to smash into bits
what may be caught
by the other cupped misfit,
whether friend or enemy
they are always mistaken,
so the beating
makes them scream
in victory,
horrendously and
harmoniously sprayed
in the liquids leaving
Whatever's seam,
“whatever”
they seem,
thoughtless of the backlash
only meant for the brain,
it solely knows and
takes the blame
for the horrid red stain,
trying to love
when the brother
habitually
frames the other
into maiming
another
who is all alone
DON'T!
it wants to re-aim
the darts
that leave
on pavement
straight for misleading paths
WAIT!
It planned to create
a noose for the unstable
connections between
those lost A's and
the angry B
and that fretful C but
ANY!
Thing can happen, and
ANY!
thing will,
ANY!
One
would really help,
and now there's not much
LONGER!
Till you truly understand,
The very end is very close
for that man - he is ******
May 2, 2010
May 2, 2010 at 5:59 PM UTC
Soft heavy shade of unrelenting mischevious boredom
Killing off the weak of our youth
Plauging the soft minded soft handed rich pocketed crickets of the Earth
Sounding off from a siren that is coated in oil
In blood
In computer symetry that if shown to a child
Would just begin to cry
Have you no souls?
Have you no heart underneath that starched shirt?
Where in ourselves is the need to **** oneself
Off like that?
Winding away the hours spending earning balancing mistrusting
Saying that one is learning but towards what?
Ignorance is not bliss but a black corner that one is now blinded by
The shadow drawings are illuminated and cause glee
But the shadow makers are the evil ones
Men and women behind dashes of black ink
Memo books scribbled through every line
Tucked away for absolute Americanized security
America...how has our trust faltered so far and so fast?
Will we will gain it back?...
America...
Are you there?
Jul 6, 2011
Jul 6, 2011 at 3:16 PM UTC
Do You Bore Yourself?
Do you rent the space
you’re standing in,
owning nothing in the end
but default?
Do you recycle words
until their utterance fails,
mistrusting your ability
to say what’s right?
Do you hedge your bets,
never going all in
for fear of losing the very thing
you haven’t got?
Do you count the days,
as tedium destroys spontaneity
and all energy drains
from your lifeless form?
Do You Bore Yourself?
(Villanova Pennsylvania: February, 2016)
Mar 1, 2019
Mar 1, 2019 at 2:13 PM UTC
Your plane is boarding, got to cross the ocean all alone
My heart is stone
You need to figure out the things that plague you here at home
I'll carry on
Sometimes, it's one thing
And next time, it's nothing
It's more than mistrusting
It ends up just crushing me
Stop with the fighting
I know it's the right thing
I won't let you do this
We have to get through this
So, say something, I'm not holding back
Before the scene we made goes and fades to black
‘cause I can't wait while you think this through
We don't have endless time, remember who left who
‘cause I won't wait, won't wait for you
Your lifeless eyes don't hold the
Same desire anymore, I can't ignore
So long I've wondered, but I think now I know
You're not coming home
Sometimes, it's one thing
And next time, it's nothing
It's more than mistrusting
It ends up just crushing me
Stop with the fighting
I know it's the right thing
I won't let you do this
We have to get through this
So, say something, I'm not holding back
Before the scene we made goes and fades to black
‘Cause I can't wait while you think this through
We don't have endless time, remember who left who
‘Cause I won't wait, won't wait for you
Put my heart in your hands
Committed my whole life to you
And all you had to say
See you in a few days
But days turn into months
This isn't what you promised me
I've gotta let you go
Or just find another way
So, say something, I'm not holding back
(I needed time to work it out alone)
Jan 16, 2016
Jan 16, 2016 at 1:14 PM UTC
my mistrusting eyes
throw stones
undeservingly in your direction
they're from
an old case
that should have been dropped
years ago
why i haven't been capable
of shaking it off
im not entirely sure
but no matter
you seem entirely capable
of doing so for me
Oct 5, 2016
Oct 5, 2016 at 8:56 AM UTC
Born,
Under a silent indigo sky,
In the shadow of the forest,
On the shore of the Pacific Ocean,
Born from the bones of earth,
Voice from the wind and deep sea,
Crowned an eagle feather and fire.
My bird spirit asked me to believe, messages only meant for me —
“Journey to the golden sun,
Meet the shadow,
Save your child,
Become one.”
“From a sea of blood,
A monster will rise,
Unleashing a storm beneath the surface of your skin.
Growing tired and weary,
Mistrusting winds pushing you forward,
Fighting against currents,
Allow the grey skinned creature to carry you to an unknown shore.”
Born,
A warrior,
Gifted a life determined to confront darkness,
Wisdom and medicine to heal tribes,
Power to embrace death and love,
The slayer of monsters,
Child of the golden sun,
I am one.
Feb 17, 2020
Feb 17, 2020 at 11:21 PM UTC
Fool me once
Shame on me
Fool me twice
And leave me with scars
forever unhealed
Jun 19, 2018
Jun 19, 2018 at 9:22 PM UTC