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Dorothy A Feb 2015
She yelled out her back porch and into the alley as if one calling home the hogs. “Johnny! Johnny! You get home for supper! John—nyyy! You spend all day in that godforsaken tree that you’re gonna grow branches! Johnny, get home now!”

Up in his friend’s tree house, Johnny slammed his card down from his good hand that he was planning to win from. “****! She always does that to me”, he complained. “Just when I’m right in the middle of—“

Zack laughed. “Your ma’s voice carries down the whole neighborhood—practically to China!”

Everyone laughed. Iris’s daughter, Violet, said to her mom. “Grandma and Dad always butted heads.” She loved when her mom told stories of her childhood, especially when it was amusing.  

Iris’s good friend and neighbor, Bree, asked Iris, “I bet you never thought in a million years that she’d eventually be your mother-in-law”

“No, I sure didn’t”, Iris answered. “I am just glad that she liked me!”

Everyone laughed. Telling that small tale took her back to 1961 when her and her twin brother Isaac—known as Zack to most everyone—would hang out together with his best friend, Johnny Lindstrom. Because Iris was like one of the boys, she fit perfectly in the mix. Zach and she were fifteen and were referred to in good humor by their father as “double trouble”. It was that summer that they lost their dear dad, Ray Collier, and memories of him became as precious as gold. If it wasn’t for her brother and his friend, Iris be lost. Hanging out all day—from dawn til dusk—with Zack and Johnny was her saving grace.  Her mother was glad to have them out of her hair, not enforcing their chores very much.

“I was a tomboy to the fullest”, Iris told everyone. “I had long, beautiful blonde hair that I put back in a pony tail, and the cutest bangs, but I didn’t want to be seen as girly. I wore rolled up jeans and boat shoes with bobby socks, tied the bottom of my boyish shirt in a knot—but I guess I could still get the boys to whistle at me. I think it was my blonde hair that did it.”

“Oh, Mom”, Violet said, “You were beautiful and you know it! Such a gorgeous face!” She’d seen plenty of pictures of her mother when she was younger. Both Iris and Zack were tall and blonde. Zack’s hair could almost turn white in the summertime.

“Were beautiful?” Iris asked, giving Violet a concerned look, her hands on her hips in a playful display of alarm at her daughter’s use of the past tense. She may have been an older woman now, but she didn’t think she has aged too badly.

“Are beautiful”, Violet corrected herself. She leaned over and kissed her mom on the cheek. Iris was nearly seventy, and she aged pretty gracefully, and she was content with herself.  

They all sat in the living room sipping wine or tea and eating finger food. It was a celebration, after all—or just an excuse to get together and have a ladies night out. Not only had Iris had invited her daughter and friend, she had her sister-in-law—Zach’s wife, Franci—and her daughter-in-law, Rowan, married to her youngest son, Adam.

“Weren’t you going to marry someone else?” Bree asked Iris.

“Yes”, Iris responded. “We all wouldn’t be sitting here right now if I did. My life would have been very different.”

“A guy named Frank”, Violet stated. “I used to joke that he was almost my dad.”

Iris said to Violet, “Ha…ha. You know it took both your father and I to make you you. Everyone laughed at how cute that this mother-daughter duo talked. Iris went on, “I actually went on a couple of dates with your dad when I was seventeen. I was starting to get used skirts and dresses and went out of my way to look really nice for guys, but it was just high school stuff. After I graduated, I met a guy named Frank Hautmann, and we were engaged within several months.”

“What happened to him?” Rowan asked.

Iris sipped her tea and seemed a bit melancholy. “We did love each other, but it just didn’t work out. I know he eventually married and moved out of state. I ran into John about two or three years later, and everything just clicked. His family moved several miles away once we all graduated, so being best friends with Zack kind of faded away for him. But once I saw him again, we were really into each other. We took off in our dating as if no time ever lapsed. Soon we were married, and that was that.” There was an expression of “aww” going around the room in unison.  

Bree stood up and raised her wine glass. She announced, “Here’s to true love!” Everyone lifted their glass or cup in response.

Franci stood up next to have her own toast. She said, “Here’s to my husband and father of my three, handsome sons being declared officially cancer free, to Violet’s little bun in the oven soon to be born and also to my *****-in-law, Iris, for finally finding that pink pearl necklace that she thought was hopelessly gone forever! Cheers!”

“Cheers” everyone echoed and sipped on their wine or tea. “That’s some toast and makes this get together even more meaningful”, Iris complemented Franci.

Almost eight months pregnant, Violet restricted her drinking to tea. Her mother was so thrilled that she found out Violet was having a girl. It was equally wonderful that Iris’s beloved brother had recovered from his prostrate cancer, for throat cancer had taken their father’s life when they were young. So really finding the necklace that her mother gave her many years ago—that was misplaced while moving seven years ago—was just the icing on the cake to all the other news.    

Iris said, “My brother being in good health and my daughter having her baby girl is music to my ears. It trumps finding that necklace that I never thought I’d ever see again—even though it was the most precious gift my mother ever gave me.”  

At age thirty-five, Violet had suffered two miscarriages, so having a full-term baby in her womb was such a relief. It would be the first child to her and her husband, Paul, and the first granddaughter to her parents. Iris had three children altogether. Ray was named after her father, and then there was Adam and Violet. Only Adam and Rowan had any children—two sons, Adam Jr. and Jimmy. Ray and his wife, Lorene, lived abroad in London because of his job, and they had never wanted any children.  

“What name have you decided on?” Rowan asked Violet.

All eyes were on Violet who had quite a full belly. “Paul and I have agreed on a few names, but we still aren’t sure.” She turned to her mom and said, “Sorry, Mom, we won’t be keeping up the tradition.”

Iris was puzzled. “What tradition?” she asked.

Violet smiled. “I know it’s not really a tradition”, she admitted, “but didn’t you realize that your mother, you and I all have flower names?”

Everyone laughed at that observation. “That’s hysterical!” Bree noted. “Flower names?”

“That’s news to me” Iris said, not getting it.

“Me, too”, Franci agreed.

“Okay”, Violet explained to her mother “Grandma was Aster, you are Iris and I am Violet. Get my drift?”

The others started laughing, but Iris never even thought of this connection. She responded, “Well, my dad’s nickname out of Aster for my mom was Star.  I never thought of her name as something flowery but more heavenly…I guess. And I never thought of Iris as the flower—more like the colored part of the eye comes to mind. And Violet was my favorite name for a girl and also my favorite color—purple—but you can’t really name your daughter, Purple.”

The others laughed again. Everyone began to get more to eat, mingling by the food.  The gathering lasted for almost two hours, and eventually lost its momentum. Meanwhile, everyone took turns passing around the strand of beautiful, light pink pearls that Iris displayed so proudly in its rediscovery. It was a wedding gift from her mother in 1971, and Iris was painstakingly careful with it, swearing she’d never lose it again. She’d make sure of it. She prized it above anything else she owned, for she had no other special possession from her mother. Her sister got all of their mother’s items of jewelry, for Aster always felt it was the oldest girl’s right to it and this other sister gladly agreed.  Aster was never flashy or showy, and didn’t desire much. Her mother’s wedding ring, silver pendant necklace and an antique emerald ring from generations ago in England was all she wanted. Anything else was up for the grabbing by her two younger sisters.  

Iris learned the hard way to be mindful and not careless about her jewelry. An occasional earring would fall off and be lost, but any other woman could say the same thing. There was only one other incident that happened when she was a teenager that she never shared with anyone other than Zack. If she would confide in anyone, it would be him. Not even her husband knew, and she wasn’t going to tell anyone now. It was too embarrassing to share in the group, especially after tale of the pink pearl necklace that went missing.  

Bree told her, “Keep that in a safe or a safety deposit box—somewhere you know it won’t form legs and walk away.”

“Oh, ha, ha”, Iris remarked, flatly. “I don’t know how it ended up boxed up in the attic with my wedding dress. I sewed that dress myself, by the way. I guess too many hands were involved packing up things, and I am sure I did not put it in that box. Tore this house apart while it was stuck in the attic. Tore that apart, too.”
  
“And yet you didn’t find it until now”, Rowan stated. “It is as if it was hiding on you”.

“Well, I wasn’t even really looking for it when I found it, Iris said. “I was just trying to gather things for my garage sale, and thought of storing my old dress back in the closet. Luck was on my side. It’s odd that I didn’t find it earlier… but it sure did a good job of hiding on me.”

“Like it had a mind of its own”, Franci said, winking, “and didn’t want to be found.”

“Yeah”, Iris agreed. “It was just pure torture for me thinking I may never lay eyes on it ever again. All I had were a few pictures of me wearing it. I was convinced it was gone. ”

After a while, Iris’s friend, sister-in-law and daughter-in-law left one by one, but Violet remained with her mom.  They went in her bedroom to put the necklace back in its original case and in a dresser drawer —or at least that is what Violet had thought.

Iris placed the necklace into the case and handed it to her daughter. She told her, “I’m sure you’ll take good care of it.”

Violet’s jaw dropped as she sat on her parent’s king-sized bed. “Oh, Mom—no!” she exclaimed. “You can’t do that! You just found it, so why? Grandma gave it to you!”

Iris sat down beside her daughter. “I can give it to you, and I just did”, she insisted. “Anyway, it is a tradition to pass down jewelry from a mother to her firstborn daughter. And since you’re my only one, it goes to you. Someday, it can go to your daughter.”

Violet had tears in her eyes. She opened the box and smoothed her fingers over the pearls.
“Mom, you won’t lose it again. I am sure you won’t!”

“Because I’m giving it to you, dear. I know I can see it again so don’t look so guilty!” Violet gave her mom a huge hug, her growing belly pressing against her. The deed was done, for Violet knew that she couldn’t talk her mother out of things once her mind was set.

Iris shared with her, “You know that when I was born—Uncle Zack, too—my parents thought they were done with having children. My sister and brother were about the same level to each other as me and Zack were. It was like two, different families.”

Iris’s sister, Miriam, known to everyone as Mimi, was fifteen years older than the twins, and Ray Jr. was almost thirteen years older. Being nearly grown, Mimi and Ray were out on their own in a few years after the twins were born. Mimi married at nineteen and had three sons and two daughters, very much content in her role as a homemaker. Ray went into the army and remained a bachelor for the rest of his life.

“I never knew I was any different from Mimi or Ray until I overheard my Aunt Gerty talking to my mother”, she told Violet. “I mean I knew they were much older, but that was normal to me.”

“What did she say?” Violet had wondered.

“Well”, Iris explained, “I was going into the kitchen when I stopped to listen to something I had a feeling that I shouldn’t be hearing.”

Her mother was washing dishes, and Aunt Gerty was drying them with a towel and putting them away. Gerty said in her judgmental tone, “You’ve ended up just like Mother. You entered your forties and got stuck with more children to care for. How you got yourself in this mess…well…nothing you can do about it now. Those children are going to wear you down!”

Gerty was two years younger than Aster, and considered the family old maid, never walking down the aisle, herself.  She prided having her own freedom, unrestricted from a husband’s demands or the constant needs of crying or whiny children.

Aster replied to her sister, with defensive sternness, “Yes, I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it! Do you have to be so high and mighty about it?”

“I couldn’t even move”, Iris told Violet. “I was frozen in my tracks. Probably was about eight or nine—no older than ten. I heard it loud and clear. For the first time in my life, I felt unwanted. It just never occurred to me before that my mother ever felt this way. Now I heard her admit to it. She didn’t say to my aunt that she was dead wrong.”

Iris’s mother came from a big family—the third of eight children and the oldest daughter—so she saw her mother having to bring up children well into her forties and older, and it wasn’t very appealing. Her mother never acted burdened by it, but Aster probably viewed her mother as stuck.

“That’s terrible. I don’t have to ask if that hurt.  I can see how hurt you are just in telling me”, Violet told her with sadness and compassion. “I don’t remember Aunt Gerty. I barely remember Grandma. She wasn’t ever mean to me, but she seemed like a very strict, no-nonsense woman.”  

“Oh, she was, Iris admitted. “I don’t even know how her and my father ever connected—complete opposites. Unless she changed from a young, happy lady to hard, bitter one. I don’t know. You would have loved your grandfather, though, Violet. He liked to crack jokes and was fun to be around. My mother was so stern that she never knew how to tell a joke or a funny story. Dutiful—that’s how I’d describe her. She was dutiful in her role—she did her job right—but I began to realize that she wasn’t affectionate. Except for your Aunt Mimi—their bond was there and wished I had it. Mimi was more ladylike and more like a mother’s shadow. Their personalities suited each other, I suppose.”  

Iris pulled out an old photo album out of a drawer. There was a black and white, head and shoulders portrait of her mother in her most typical look in Iris’s childhood. She had a short, stiff 1950s style bob of silvery gray hair and wore cat eye glasses. Not a hint of a smile was upon her lips—like she never knew how.

“Do you really think Grandma resented you and Uncle Zack?” Violet asked.

Iris responded, “Well, I’m sure my mother preferred having one child of each and didn’t wake up one day and say, ‘I’d like to have twins now’. I mean, she had a perfect set and my mom liked perfection. That’s all it was going to be—at least she thought. Nobody waits over a dozen years to have more. If my mother really resented getting pregnant again, now she had to deal with two screaming babies instead of one.  Must have come as quite a shock and she was about to turn forty.”

“It’s a shame, but woman have children past that age”, Violet pointed out.

“Sure, and some wait to start families until they have done some of the things they always wanted to do. But if I was to ask my mother if she wanted children that time in her life—which I never dared to—I think she’d have wanted to say, ‘not at all.’”

“It’s a shame”, Violet repeated. “Grandma should never have treated you two any differently.” Iris wasn’t trying to knock her mother, but Violet felt the need to be very protective for her against this grandmother that she barely remembered. Aster has been dead since Violet was six-years-old, and she had a foggy memory of her in her coffin, cold to the touch and very matriarchal in her navy blue dress.

Iris admitted, “I knew Mimi was her favorite, and I was my father’s favorite because I was the youngest girl. Zack and I we
bleh Jun 2014
If I said my heart was a cyanide laced pomegranate,
would that make its expressions any less ******?
If I said falling in love was like throwing yourself off a cliff on a winter night and drowning yourself tumbling through the air blind like a bag of kittens, but I was quoting Kierkegaard,
would that make it any less of an awkward melodrama?
If I told you the western blocks blind attacks on the other,
kinda resembled Freud's account of the mother
of a miscarriages melancholia,
is that a condoning or a condemnation?
if I translated every meta-narrative of class relation, oppression, wage slavery, state violence, suppression,
into anthropomorphic allegories for a myriad of psychological phenomena,
would I be an academic or a shinto miko?
[and would the world be any better?]
if I superimposed on the geographical topology,
the political and then the existential,
would I have a sandwich?
Or a lasagne?
words words words

                                  (what do they even)
John F McCullagh Aug 2013
For years they'd tried and failed
in their conjunctions to conceive.
The wife prone to miscarriages
so a surrogate was decreed.

Her closest friend from college
took pity on their plight,
and volunteered to help them
by bringing forth their child to life.

It would be their bun, her oven.
Their tenant in her rented womb.
The pregnancy was uneventful
and their son was born last June.

It's a miracle of science.
to some couples it's a boon.
but the procedure is expensive
so don't expect a baby boom
suggested by the story of Jiimmy Fallon and his new daughter born via surrogacy
Carly Salzberg Apr 2011
We are manufactured landscapes,
constructed through naming nouns –
we celebrate difference.
We are compelled into being one or the other,
like a nail or a hammer.

We reference nature through motherhood,
voluptuous in her national pride narrative,
her lips red pucker supple metaphors like her fertile ground,
her belly always pregnant
ready to plant desire in discourse.

We forget her industrial miscarriages,
her toxic tar-sulfur consumption,
her global half-bred garbage in words left unsaid,
her ***** laundry in patriarchal hands.

We forget her midwives,
her toiling underpaid workers
who support generations of waste
who spit up truth in plastic mouthfuls,
who regurgitate material narratives
to celebrate flesh in mythic wholeness.

When will the nation, earth and world step from its subject of motherly pedestal and name its androgynous existence, its forgotten lifelines?
Amrita Tiwari Mar 2022
Pieces of a woman
Gloom, glee, distance and intimacy
Attitude, gratitude, strength and vulnerability
Heartbreaks, Happiness, Longingness and poetry
Calmness, boldness and a bad *** stree.

Pieces of a woman
Stretch Marks, cellulite, miscarriages and then bossy
Shallow, Intense, blur and then some glossy
Cute, cheerful, lazy, sane and naughty
Benevolent, bizarre, shy and much hotty

Pieces of a woman
Family, friends, kin, acquaintances
Risk, safe and then out of the world chances
Society, sub-urb,rural and them glances
Some music, some writing, some shying and couple dances

Pieces of a woman
Marriage, adoption, career and grace
Clarity,focus,concentration and haze
Red,green, black, purple and beige
Independence, freedom, self-doubt and cage

All this and endless…..
And then some and then some
Nothing can totally define
The ultimate human
The beautiful, the wonderful
Pieces of a woman.
Just gave a thought to pieces of a woman on Women's day
Cedric McClester Nov 2015
By: Cedric McClester

Sadly Paris is
Feeling the ravages
Of those heartless savages
Whose numerous miscarriages
Of jihad on the average is
A total mischaracterization
Of what they claim is the Muslim nation
And frankly speaking I’m losing patience

This I hope you understand
There’s no justification in the Qu’ran
For what they do to their fellow man
As if it’s part of Allah’s Plan
Show me the sunnah if you can
That allows aggression in any land
Things have gotten out of hand
If everything you do is banned

You can spread your hate
But I have to state
There’ll never be a califate
That’s solely built on one man’s hate
It will crash and burn under its own weight
And heaven help those who participate
For them I fear it’s much too late
And that’s not open to debate

Paris is crying, naturally
Because of the carnage don’t you see
But they’ll continue to be free
And enjoy the support of humanity
We all must ask how could this be
While sealing the fate and destiny
Of those miscreants who **** with glee
And have the significance of a flea







Cedric McClester, Copyright © 2015.  All rights reserved.
Katharine Kvh Apr 2012
How does it feel?
To be a girl,
And to bleed,
Whenever we create

Something beautiful.

The dunce cap
Fills the void;
Where the crown should be.

Life grew
And fed, from these *******
Now ripped apart,
Pieces of shame.

Judas’s Cradle,
Destroyed our flesh.
Left us humiliated,
Like Lady Godiva

Hours of ******
From impalement
In spite of Eve
Whom bit the apple.

Hot irons,
Through vitality’s tunnel
To fallow the holy book,
The Malleus Maleficarum.

Confession induced stoning
Drowning, burning
Just to be whipped like animals
For social bonding.

The battles of power
With the entertainment of ****,
Still two Hundred years of
Forced sterilization.




A pear of anguish,
For the miscarriages
A coffin,
For the son.

Who can be civil?
When survival
Even today,
Is about exploitation.

A dowry for obstetric fistula,
In Pakistan.
Under the union of god’s will,
Of course.

The ****** test
Out lives the Bison,
Only still being bred
For the hunt

Mutilation for those,
In Southern Sahara.
Huge abscesses,
To cover the curse.

The breaking wheel
Heather Moon Feb 2015
\\\\\_------/////////



Sitting in the blue-grey stillness

Of my bathroom

Temperature set to make a perfect

balance

between hot and cold.

Except I am leaning on the cold side,

Prickly hairs.



Porcelain bowls,

cupids, angels,

catholic saints,

preasthood,



Angelic ivory

white

toilet bowl

Stained with our animal ****

Over time creating cracks

Of filthy streaks

Just like

how humans carve into

the Earth,

Denying our birth,

Killing our worth,

By overstuffing

our girth

To hide our

true nature.


Ivory bowl

I have just released my blood to you

Blood of my ancestors

Sacred blood

Blood pasted down

in this lineage.

Deep, deep

womb blood


Blood of mistakes.

Blood of stupid conversations and lies

I lived.


Blood of my dear dear
Precious baby

Blood of shame

Further ingrained

Into this white ivory
perfection.

Blood of the savage within me

Crying to break out

While I stand stout

And pull my bow

Tighter and tighter

Sharpen the peaks

Of my fake smile.

I'm happy

I'm happy

I'm normal, normal,
Normal!!!

While inside drums cry

To be beaten

Battles rage on

in explosive contemplation

My bodies ovulation

Of fertile

Formation
....
Then the immunization
..

I try to move to the beat of the nation

But it's a boring station

Feeling my souls frustration

With this numbing radiation.

The baby in my body wails

I am NOT(!!!!)
To be born
To a ship that
fails
The sails.


I am sitting on this

Cloy toilet bowl,

a mirage of all that's wrong

Ring wrought

Fought

rung wrong

Throughout me.

I've been living so long

Killing my song

Killing my dear
Sweet, sweet baby


Hiding demons behind flesh

An obsess

to hide the less

Only ever the best

The best, best,
Best, Best!!


And now I sit,

In porcelain stillness

A full release of the wild woman
woven deep in my bones and blood


Now I sit

Smothering myself

in the mud

I was born in.

Once too ashamed to accept the actuality

of this physical form.


Now I sit


In the silence after
The storm.


Miscarriages, miconceptions
Flopped contraceptions
Illusions, lost directions


Miscarriage means:

a foiled outcome

Of something planned,

Lost dreams,

So strongly bound

Into my bone.

Now I'm feeling

Alone.

They say you must be empty to be free...


Pulling the scattered pieces

Off of the wall

Reshaping after

The fall

Courage. Courage.Courage
COURAGE!!!!


Courageous heart

How I let you fall apart


I'm here

I'm now

I'm ready

to grow

Run free
run strong

And let blossom

The seeds
you sow.


--thank you--
.. sweet blood..

.
Lara Lewis Jan 2014
Dry scents linger in paralyzed air,
Creeping bony fingers,
A comforting specter, and a reminder of home,
But the sky's children freeze before they're born.
Miscarriages of moisture,
Nurturing nectar gone sour,
You will provide nothing.
Kenny Brown Mar 2012
These days are desperate times.
Persephone wandered too deep into the woods
And the earth has produced only miscarriages in the second trimester.
I’m full-grown curled up in the womb and it’s lost it’s warm.
I’m a child curled up in the womb and the walls are worn.

I swim at the junction of Acheron and Cocytus
Desperately trying to reach the shore,
But the currents far too strong.
Growing furious, I spot my family paying the fare
To board the ferry from Long Island to Connecticut.

I am torn asunder and the pieces dissolved
Into the cold morning air like evaporating dew.
My eyes fall upon a bright red bird, flying in a gyre,
Singing praises to it’s open wings, above a pyre.
The wood burns, carbonizing the soil to start the cycle
ClawedBeauty101 Jan 2019
That is what they say... as if it is something funny
But why do I feel this pain of longing for their company?

There were a total of seven of us... And two of them passed away

"They don't count, they were just tissues and organs that didn't make out in time."

MY FORGOTTEN DEAD OLDER BROTHER AND SISTER WERE ALIVE!!! BUT YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THEY NEVER EXISTED!!!!

DON'T DISCARD THE REALITY OF THEIR BIRTH!!! They took just as much force and care just like the rest of us!!!

Steven... You were the original first born... you died from stress and an aching heart of my mother

Bethany... You died out of determination and demand to pick up something that was over the weight

There are days where I wonder why the Lord couldn't have made you guys live... a life with me...

He has his reasons... what matter is that I will see you in heaven someday... I will finally get to meet you and see you face to face
I love you guys... I really miss you both...

I feel so pathetic
E B May 2013
What silly friends I have,
so busy and active,
always losing their virginity,
getting into fights,
having miscarriages,
running away from home.

So far away they are and they
come to me to confess but I
am no priest. I am not even Catholic!

And yet, with no routineness,
no certainty,
no schedule,
they come back to me to confess
everything they feel they have done wrong.

And all I can do is try not to be parent-like
in my advice and responses because I fear
nothing more than turning them away.

No, I'm not disappointed, just promise me
you'll be careful, okay?


And all I can hope is that they are careful
because I will do nothing but worry about
every little thing they do and it will stay on
my heart and I will remember that no one
knows but
me and
them and
Him.

Dear god, it must **** to be a priest.
About two friends in particular. Neither of them lives in state so I am forced to give advice through text messages and I fear sometimes that my words will get lost in translation.
Ayeshah Dec 2015
I don't like what I see
when I look in the mirror
  I stand there holding myself*

Sometimes I'll place  my hands on my hips
and move from side to side
turning this way or that
grabbing at my behind
pulling it up
seeing how it'd look
if it were plumper
like them girl's in the videos


Sometimes I grab a handful of my belly
or **** it in and see how I'd look
if I could just get over this 14 year baby weight
and all the pounds
I've gained from my last few miscarriages.


I know stress plays a role
I eat when stressed
  I eat my depression and eat when sad or on my cycle
I love to eat and love food
but it's truly never been my reason for this weight
burdening me down


I lost my will to move
to walk or work out
lost my drive to fight or even speak out
I went from working and going to school
staying busy
to doing only bits here and there that I have to do


I can't  be bothered
don't even want to
I'll lay here and not move
long as I can


I've stayed in a runt for so long
I'm talking years felt so low
and haven't dug our yet
and I know for me
this depressions a killer
it's got me defeated
beaten down
so low I never wanna be loved again...


As I  stand in front of this mirror
I hate what's become of me
my pessimistic behavior
and ideology of what love should be
seems like its not meant for me
I hate looking at myself
I hate seeing my luscious curves
my ample succulent *******


I only currently
like my long hair
that goes to my shoulders
for this chocolate cocoa skin
it seems so out of place
people wonder if its a weave
and not my own
but this is all home grown
yet and still

I just like who I am as a person & represent
not my physical appearance
not only because I have a "good hair"
for a black girl
  I'm ONLY black
yet
I'm proud of my heritage
I'm black and Puerto Rican
but who cares


Funny how my shape for others
is just right
&
for me it isn't
I don't have that j.lo figured

I don't look like a Nicki Minaj
how do I look?
I um well  I look just like me
but seems I can't find someone who'd
conquered my heart
and own it
take care of it as they should....


One  day I'll get tired of my self loathing
work out
and the World
will be impressed
but not
as much as ME!

*Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved
" you’re a walking expression" he said confidently, his head tilted on it’s axis, gazing downward into the wine that he swirled so violently. i felt a little empty. he was handsome. i could see the winged tips of his ribcage protrude toward me whenever he stretched or adjusted his posture. "lately i feel like i’m always having miscarriages with my creativity." i said, my eyes transfixed on the miniture hurricane of burgundy. "like i’m there, everything is correct and pure and plentiful- and then it just kinda crumbles halfheartedly back into chemistry". i never say things like this. he nodded wistfully. i couldn’t tell if it was forced or not. he followed it by adding some statement more profound than my own and suggested that we head out into the night. it was getting late. i nodded lightly a few times and began to clumsily button my flannel up across my flat chest and noticed him staring strongly at me across the table. "you know" he smiled, zipping up his coat, "any woman can look **** getting undressed, but it takes a charming one to carry the same effect while putting on clothes.” i laughed, admired the wit, wondered if the line was borrowed, felt nauseous, carried on.
Martin Narrod Feb 2016
the ceiling i now wear my eyes up
plastic black garbage bags and the rainbows fuse
wood-stock, bare beams and studs fixed with lines from dried
desiccate nails poked through

on
Milwaukee Avenue the miscarriages of newer child abuse shows through
characters worth keeping close are quieter than I'd choose, the mean grifters are so loud it's trying too hard to be obtuse. Anyone can be an ***
but my assholedom is strained from confusion and too much use. Underneath the mountains inside a record box, I only want to live where you're a fixture and a friend. My fingertips are bent, I can sew, I can write, I can breathe inside your mouth if you'll allow me too.
Big Virge Sep 2020
Ya Know I Pride Myself in Being...
WAY ABOVE The... " Average "...

The... " Average Joe "...
With... " Average Flows "...

The... " Average Bloke "...
Who SNIFFS That Coc'... !!!

The... " Average Fella "...
Whose LUST For... " Chedda' "...
Makes Him The Type of Breddah'...
Who Is A... BAD Goodfella'... !!!!!!!!

But Is Being Average...
ALL That... " BAD "... ?!?

I Guess Not If...
You CHOOSE To Live...
A... Simple Life...
With An... " Average Wife "...

An... " Average Job "...
With An... " Average Boss "... !!!

When Being The AVERAGE...
May Just COST Or Even DAMAGE... !!!

Your Chances of Having...
A Job Where You MANAGE...

Like THOSE Who FLY HIGH... !!!!
Ya KNOW CORPORATE Types... !!!

Who Get MORE Than Your Average...
...... " Slice of The Pie "...... !!!!!

You KNOW I'm Right... !!!
THEIR AVERAGES Seem...
To... SET UP The Price... ?!?

For MISCARRIAGES...
of... Financial LIES... !!!!!

Stocks And Bonds...
That They MAKE OFF...
As If Their Name...
Was... " BERNIE MADOFF "... !!!!!

Now THAT's NOT Your AVERAGE...
… Rhyme Scheme Son... !!!!!

It's The Type That's ABOVE...
... ALL This IGNORANT Stuff... !!!!!

Lyrics That TRIGGER...
ALL Types of LOOSE Scripture...................

From Figures Now BIGGER...
Than HOLLYWOOD Pictures... !!!!!

Are They ABOVE Average... ???

I Guess So Cos' ******...
Their Cash Flow Is MASSIVE... !?!

While The... " Average Wage "...
For Most Artists I'd Say...
UNLIKE These BIG STARS...

Is Way BELOW..... " Par ".....
For The EFFORTS We Make...
To KEEP Our Art REAL...
In The Things We RELATE... !!!

The... " Average Today "...
EMBRACES What's... FAKE... !?!?!

Then GIVES Them TOP PAY...
For Being... THAT WAY... ?!?

Such Ways Have Now Made...
The Game... Somewhat STRANGE... !?!

If You Now Choose To Write...
MORE THAN... " Average TRIPE "...

... What Do People Say... ?

"Man you're just too lyrical,
for average type brains !"

Is There Such A THING... ???

I Must Be... TOO CRITICAL...
For Heads Who Now... DON'T THINK... !!!

Cos' They're Weak Like The LINK... !!!!!

You See Averages Claim...
MUCH MORE Than You Think... !!!

Like THINKING... BELIEVE... !!!!!

These Days It Now Seems...
That Being The AVERAGE...
Is Claiming... " PSYCHES "... !!!

By THIS I Mean People...
DON'T Want To Receive...
A Level of THINKING...
That's BEYOND... " TV "... !!!

Or... CHALLENGING Speech...
That's Artistically... FREE...
And Speaks... " REALITY "... !!!

UNLESS It's.. " Conceived "...
By Some... " Marketing Team "...
For Some... " CELEBRITY "...

Whose Life's...
FAR FROM............ " Average "...... !!!!!!!!

So What Does It Mean...
When People Now FOLLOW...
The Types Who... Achieve...

HIGH Levels of... " FAME "...
For NOT BEING... " Usain "... ?!!!?

Do You Get What i'm SAYING... ???

Contractually... " CHAINED "...
Like... Modern Day SLAVES... !!!

12 Years... AIN'T Enough...
To Average... My Pain... !!!!!

It's CLEAR The NEW Average...
Is SLAVING For... PAY... !!!!!!

As Well As Now PLAYING...
A ROLE To Get PAID...

Or Running Some...
... Average Lines...
To Get... LAID... !!!!

These... " Average Babes "...
With Their... " Average Brains "...

Are FAR FROM..... The Average...
SEXUALLY... Nowadays... !!!!!

Some WANT To Be CHAINED...
And Basically.... *****....
For Them To GET OFF... !?!?!

Now DON'T Get Me WRONG... !!!
But To ME That's NOT AVERAGE...

That's CRAZY And STRANGE... !!!?!!!

But That's Just MY VIEW...
I'm An... " Average Dude "...
When It Comes To *** Moves...

I DON'T NEED An *******...
To MAKE Me FEEL GOOD..... !!!!!!!!

My MEMBER Likes... " ***** "...
That's Average HARDS WOOD... !!!!!!!!

But These Days MOST *****...
Is... " Averagely Hooked "...
By Guys Who Are... "SLY"...

Or... Given To LOOK...
For... ANY OLD ****...
Who'll GIVE UP The Goods... !!!!!!!!!!

I Guess That's The END...
of This Poem That's COOKED...
A Whole LOT of... " Visions "...

From *** To BIG CROOKS...
To WINNERS Like... " Bolt "... !!!!!!

WHO... Having Won GOLD...
Has PROVEN To MASSES...
That HE Like The Verse...
That Comes From BIG VIRGE...

When It's WELL Observed... !!!

IS... WAY ABOVE..........

...... " Average "...... !!!!!!
It's not an awful thing, however, it's also, not a bad thing to aim high !!!
My moods drain me down
To some immoderate sluice-gate,
They run down the grainy windows,
Clog the sand in the top of the hour-glass
Like bat's tears, like misplaced rainstorms
Looking for a cloud to hang out under.

All my temperaments are accidental,
Wrongly placed; too early or too late
Miscarriages of intention,
Predicaments of inattention.

All the inconsequential moments I inhabit,
I'm wearing thin, from changing my mind too often-
Why is there no groove for thinking,
No energy-saving secret gear?

Sometimes I sit absolutely still
In an uncomfortable position,
Hoping the powers that be will notice me;
Will see that I'm going nowhere, so slowly
And they will send some tempest to help move me along.

I'm also afraid they will send change;
The paralytic not only can't move,
He knows he can never move,
And his biggest fear
Is being thought capable of movement.

In that rapid swirling down the drain,
He wants someone to snag him on a branch,
Save and reclaim his manhood;
Not sit in a tree and watch him spiraling,
While repeating over and over,
Why don't you save yourself?

He knows it's too late for words;
The tears only add to the swelling river.
And if once I thought there was a savior on every corner,
I guess I just got tired of waiting-
Because the ones in the mirror only close their eyes now.

Normalcy both appalls and comforts me-
Why does it all appear so average,
As you go sprawling head first over the falls:
You know nobody elses life will change one iota,
And you know you're just paying some bill
You never even saw.
Morgan Brady Aug 2014
Hi my name is Cardiomyopathy.
I'm 2 years old and I've already had 3 miscarriages.
A run in with alcohol abuse, drug abuse, my noose apparent.

Loose and daring met cruel and caring,
They used to laugh now but cry later loved sharing.
So much for monogamy. Did I mention my name is Cardiomyopathy?
I'm 2 years old with a mild case of marital affairs gone wrong. My mind used to tell me this house is no home.
Careless.
I played dodge ball in a glass house with stones.
Broken.
No real insurance, the love that ensured this.
Was gone.

Every piece of male that she opened, she failed...To pay attention.

Homeless and senseless.

Hopeless romantic my alias. Cardiomyopathy my condition.
Medicated dedication to relieve side effects called intuition.
Treatment unknown and remains at the throne of my wish list.

I'm only two years old. With the stress of a twenty two year cold. Lovely fevers that shake bones that create moans of twisted passion.
My addiction had grown afflicted with my stress and cold madness.

Ah-choo! to be cold Adieu to meek moans.

In retrospect. Mistress was a side downer fueled by sadness, so this cold could live long and wreak havoc; As long as it numbed me.
Recovery at my fingertips and once I'm healthy and bubbly,
The realization that will **** me will be the fact that haunts me...

You never loved me.

I choose to be cold.

My name is Cardiomyopathy. I'm only 2 years old.
Ayeshah Feb 2014
This is the part I hate,
                                the part
                          where we divide  
                                             assets,

                                 divide memories,

                                          oh, I remember this CD,

                                        we danced and laughed

                        twirling round and round.


                                                        ­ Would you like half of that,

                            or how about the way our little girl

                                   learned how to ride her first                                          

                                   bike and the time we lost our first child,


                    the many times
      I've bailed you out,

                            the uncountable tears shed
                       for each one of your

                    lies and affairs.


            How do I give you half
         of what's left

                          when you've taken
        the very best of me,

                                like my trust & unconditional love,

                            the way we'd sit with out
        a word,

          our minds spoke to each other,
                               maybe
I can divide the many times
          
            we made love
and you'd finish before I did,                                                             ­                    the many friends
                I've given up

                         because you felt left out,
                              & didn't want them around
                or the many nights of
isolation when you went out...


                    We should
separate  & divide
                           the moments

                                        when sparks flew
                             day one at that BBQ
                       You  & I were best friends,

                           we'd even finished each others sentences,
                               sometimes a gesture a glimpse
                        or a look was all it took,
no words
             and we most times then not understood...

14 years I knew the good man
the best friend, You divided him,
                            
                           Vows said and brown eyes
              held mines for 11 years
                                              8 of them were so blissful,
                                 3 of them were unbearable
after you slept with my best-friend
                  
          because
                      you couldn't compete with me
                                                            ge­tting my education
                      why compete
                                      when you had already won,

                  never were you second
                                                    until you put you self there.
                

I can't believe it's come to this,

                                                 *but I should of expected,
                    since
           you've always had
                                         one foot out the door,
                                  like you
               didn't belong here.


Can you divide
                   the many times
                                           we'd have a fight
                                                   for the most silliest & unimportant things
like who ate the last piece of cake
                                                   or who dranked my apple juice
           the making up was so good.

                                                   How about
                   the times we traveled

            and because of me
you got to go to Canada
                     for father's day June 2008

or travel every where east...


            Let's tally up and separate
                            the times
                                    we've danced to no music

                         or made snow angles,

             the times we spent on
                         a mountain top
                                       cuddled by a camp fire,

                                                      the stories of us
                                isn't pose to be over

                                            but  how
                       can we now
         deduct all this, write it up on sheets of paper


            who gets which memories,
                                          who take with them this much
                                             good & bad history?


            The many love letter's
                                            hand written to each other

                                                long before you ever went to jail,
or the times when
               we'd lay in bed & just laugh
                                                     talking of nothing important,



                can they-- them lawyers calculate
                                            and divide the many miscarriages

                    caused by your stress,

                                or the many times your voice carried hate for me,

                        or the times we've  had *** in the lake,

            the first time on your face
                                       when you seen your first ocean,
                                               & the New York high-rises.


                                 The tear you cried on
                                                            th­e day we were married,
                                         or how about
                            they divide the way you told me
                                                        you no longer loved me
                           you never wanted me
                                     and our marriage has run it's course,

           like most have done and said to me-- you told me

            my best wasn't ever good enough,


how she'll always in your eyes

        be way better than me

but you, still after saying this **** didn't leave...



                        Let's not forget our very first kiss

                                    you sunk it and yet my head reeled.


                                        Can we divide the many nights
            you'd hold me

            for no reason at all
                  or when we first dated & you'd call,

                                            member we talked
                                                          ­on the phone until      
                                  the   break of dawn,    
    our very first fight--
yo *** came to my house
                                   & slept at my door

and promised ever to hurt me.



                Too late
O'too late for regrets when

                    those promises weren't all the way met,


                    because we can't divide

        the lonely nights
   the hitting me and cheating,

                 the hours staying up wondering

if you're alright,
the many times our  
          girls begged me
                      not to leave you.


                    To give daddy just  
one more change, please mommy

                or the many times they've
   felt it was because of them

                         things went from  
  great,
ok,
        to terribly bad,

            or the many
memories of you

                        and that beautiful smile and how

                                            you lit up their world

                     yet sadly teaching them how a man treats a girl,


how for now on anytime
they think their in love

                    it'll be your ****** up
                                   ****** off mistreatment

they'll be reminded of.



                                Remember when  you told our girls you'd

                                    always be there,

                    right here for them & even me,

the many times they'd wake up
from a nightmare
you'd
        sooth all
their worries & doubts,

or even the time's
I'd wake screaming?



                        You'd hold me
tightly & so close,


        but little did I know
the screams
that woke me
                       would be from  the
membrance of

            Us & the disappointment

            I now feel for ever falling
           for you!

Can You Divide?



Always Me K.Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®
Divorce is such a ugly then, staying  too though can be or become ugly. Best to remember and move on, if you can't move on least let him or her...Time  can heal but it'll feel like it's taken way too long and for some it just wont and you have to face it head on.
Silverthorn Jul 2016
My mind is a trick-seed sprouting in me
Runners wide run in rich but shallow soil
Each birthing things that were not meant to be
Deserted, parched they die as I recoil
A false womb am I and guilty tears shed
Over false dreams buried in open graves
Who will come to avenge the wanton dead
The miscarriages flow in scarlet waves
‘Had you but fed us,’ each cries out, ‘you could
Now reap.’ As weeds they rise from their dark holes
And invading, choking out new crops would
Paralyze this befuddled, barren soul
Who can supplant the worming roots, their cry
And fate other than death my dreams supply?
A racing mind never reaches the finish.
John F McCullagh Dec 2011
I called her tiger Lilly
As she favored clothes with stripes
But I did not back away in fear
when she flashed her pearly whites.

There’s a chapel on the campus
And we both so liked to sing
There was just one little problem
Lilly wore another’s ring.

She’d been six months separated
From her lawful wedded mate.
She’d suffered two miscarriages
Things between them weren't great.

It still of course was possible
That they might work it out
But I found myself falling
Every time she was about..

We started sharing moments
At the ballpark and the shore
As much as we were together
I found myself wanting more.

I told myself its over-
that her man’s not coming back.
She’s a pretty, gracious flower
and a tiger in the sack.

And then one day it ended
Her parents intervened
They forced them back together
We never had our farewell scene.

A year after we’d parted
There was a story in the news
Lilly died in a car accident
Her husband had been stewed.

So every year on that same date
The day I heard you’d died
I lay a Lilly on your grave
It’s from your other guy.
A bittersweet story
Craig Verlin Dec 2013
you break and slither
out onto the antiseptic
tile floor
bathing in the
residue of the
the hundreds of billions
that came before you
you **** and spit on
your mother's ****
till you're unhappy
in an underpaying career
with an unloving wife
under your pastor
at 3 am
this is what you've been
programmed for
this is what you get
a world full of
unholy *******
clammering for salvation
with each ******
into your woman's ******
you slipped out a month too soon
they always tell you
--oh, you were just so excited
to meet us! and we were so happy
to have you, my dear--
broke free of the *******
that gave you life
into the ones that
take it away
call it a **** miscarriage
we're all miscarriages
one day or another
some just suffer
and **** a little
more than others
and you want that month back
more than anything
while the reverend is pumping
the holy spirit into the mother
of your nobody children
and this is where we are
this is what we come to
slithering on the tile floor
in the wastes of everyone
else and everyone after
playing patty cake
with the other corpses
till you're home early from work
walking into the guest bedroom
shotgun in hand, just to
split two shells between yourself
and the holy ghost
Sam Temple Jun 2016
Envisioning revisions
Singing broken rhythms
Carrying misgivings about miscarriages
Disparaging pigeons
White speckled calling cards hardly
Invoke the Bard of North Korea
I be your favorite poetic stylist
Freely beguiling smiling at the Wailing Wall
Rotary phone call shopping mall sneakers
Tweekers in Arby’s bathroom break
Picking faces like lottery scratchers
Meekly begging change with blank expressions
Did I mention we offer refreshments?
Zack Gilbert Mar 2016
Another week over and my eyelids are drooping as I type this.
They say that
success is in reach if you just tell yourself you can do it,
But see, I've told myself to reach for success but whenever I look I only find failures
With skelatons as gifts  because I always try to get my hopes up and they end up being miscarriages of the mind,
I dropped the ball on the touchdown line
Missed the layup
Failed the class
They say success is in reach if you tell yourself you can do it.
I found that failure is more common
That disorders of the mind that go from A
to C instead of making a B line for the right answer
leaves me to believe that the work we do can only take a lot of back breaking work
and struggles and pain and late nights doing all you can to succeed and,
realizing that the dreams you dream
lead to something
Because failure leads to something too
It leads to droopy eyes and morning reflections
and doing your best to get out of bed to revel in your failures because
you will succeed.
Just keep going
Keep running
Spreading your wings as your learning what flying means from jumping
from the nest without the parachute because
we all know life is a sky full of possibilities.
Gods just opening new doors
You didn’t get the chance to breathe fresh air.
You didn’t get the chance to hold my hand.
You didn’t get the chance to meet your dad.
You didn’t get the chance to meet all the people who were excited to see you.
You didn’t even get the chance to tell the world hello.

You were in my belly for 12 weeks.
I didn’t learn about you till week 5 but I loved you all the same.
Your dad and I were so excited, and we did everything we were supposed to.
We got you a crib and clothes, even though we never got the chance to find out your gender.  
We were just so happy we finally got pregnant.

Not enough tears could fill the void you once held in my belly.

We didn’t get the chance to know your gender.
We didn’t get the chance to hold you in our arms.
We didn’t get the chance to name you.
We didn’t get the chance to paint your room.

I had a miscarriage.
It just wasn’t our time.
Miscarriages **** emotionally, physically, and mentally.
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing my grandma is up there holding a new angel in her arms.
You were going to be born in a world of love.
I can’t help but blame myself.
Maybe my body wasn’t healthy enough?
Maybe I ate something I wasn’t supposed too?
Everyone keeps telling me it isn’t my fault,
But the thoughts are still there.
I just wish I could have held you,
At least once.
Don't forget to buy your own book on Amazon! Link in Bio!
Nat Lipstadt Oct 2020
I think, therefore I am.

(5) the possible poems lurk about, here a title,
there a verse without a home, and, despite
cogitating brings no fusion, no unity or home
heading, where the sigh of conjoining both
brings mental *******, organic relief, worth.

(6) the temperature now cool regularity, enough that
a distinctive line crossed, setting from Cool to Heat,
an inflection point of persona, weather, aging,
daytime whispers can no long be avoided,
a choral crescendo, delayed by lazy summer illusions
that permitted us to put off abnormal life as normal.

(7) I think, therefore I am, but I do not feel,
sufficiently, therefore I write a title here,
verse there, but no poem completes because,
as I update my list of people I worry about, I am,
ineffectively yours, lacking answers for you, in all
our present tenses, some of you are on it, even if no notification
sent, selfishly pondering if my name appears on someones list

ah, these miscarriages of miscellaneous mumbles don’t
qualify as worthwhile, so I pre-apologize for wasting your time
trying, pushing myself to go from thinking, of you, so, therefore
you exist, but if I cannot give you the feelings deserved, then,
what good am I?


conundrum.

11:26 AM Sat Oct 10
2020
Sora Dec 2013
The ripped out
crumpled
torn
papers that held
a surprise
has been taped back into the book

She never wanted to adopt
She had
3 miscarriages
So her only resort was adoption

And she ended up with me
A shredded flag that used to be
Something she enjoyed
spysgrandson Apr 2017
three miscarriages: God's
abortions her curse, the third time
not a charm, though with a marriage
of joy and alarm, she feels a flutter

more wings than feet
taking flight amniotic;
she lies still and waits for another,
the expectant mother

she is not
disappointed;
it moves again
to her delight

climbing closer
to the light, wet wings
flapping slowly

this web fingered,
big-brained swimmer-flyer
son-daughter-carrier
of the eternal flame

who will be to blame
if its eyes never see the sun?
what God would will
such a denial?

the one who gifts all
things life, yet has been
but a fickle teaser
with her

she lies very still,
holding the breath of life, hoping
its exhalation will be the current
on which new wings take flight
FallenAngel93 Feb 2015
At the age of 2 I wanted to be a cop,
At the age of 4 I wanted to be a rock star,
At the age of 6 I wanted to be a doctor,
At the age of 8 I wanted to be a vet,
At the age of 10 I wanted to be a writer,
At the age of 12 I wanted to be a chief,
At the age of 14 I want to die.



The thing is,
At the age 2 I wanted to be a cop,
At the age 4 I was messed with,
At the age 5 I was still messed with so I cut,
At the age 6 I was still messed with so I cut,
At the age 7 I was still messed with so I tried to overdose,
At the age 8 he got what h wanted so I tried to **** myself and it almost worked I was in the hospital for 2 weeks.
At the age 9 I still want to be dead,
At the age 10 I get forced into it again, and end up having a miscarriage,
At the age 11 I am broken from loosing a baby I carried for 5 months,
At the age 12 I tried to **** myself again,
At the age 13 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety,
At the age 14 I am here, giving up, now had two miscarriages, and I'm broken, still cutting, wanting to overdose everyday, but now has a girl that means the world to me, She and my Nephew and baby brother is the only reason I'm still on this place you call Earth.
Fish The Pig May 2015
My father hit me.
Hands strangling my neck.
I was just a kid,
he said it was my fault,
I believe that it was.
He said I didn't deserve to live,
I believe that too.
I believe his screams
and the bruises he laced my body with
I believe his words
that I'm nothing
that I'm garbage.
I blame that monster
for breaking something inside me
that 7 years later is still not repaired.

I blame her for never calling the cops.
For calling me a liar
for telling me I gave the bruises to myself.
for making me feel guilty.
I blame her for telling me she wished I was one of her miscarriages
I blame her for telling me I'm good for nothing
for telling me I'm fat
for telling me,
like him,
I deserve to die.

I blame them
for the anxieties
and anger
and fears
and panic
and the scars on my heart.

I'm scared of the world.
I'm scared of it's people.
I need help.
I'm dying.
slowly.
quickly.
steadily.
and not at all.

I feel everything,
every word
every breath
is a dagger to what once was a heart
when every day
you're told you're wrong
you're told you're a mistake-
an inconvenience-
that could never be loved
it takes an effect
you cannot fight
and just when I think
maybe I can get better
a single word
sends me spiraling
dying
crying
suffocating
and scared
wishing someone would touch me
in a kind, gentle way
would hug me till I fall asleep
and love me
even though I cry a lot.

I was told
the blame was on me
that I ruin
and poison
everything I touch,
but I blame them,
so much so
I can't get better,
so maybe we're both to blame.
it feels so trivial, these things that happened.
it embarrasses me how much they've effected me,
I need to man up and get over it.
but for some reason I just can't.
My little birdie, let's call her Donnie, didn’t die with me. She was the sky, the ocean, the air; always there; before there was me; before there was Lily and the schizophrenics she so dearly loved. She chose me through three miscarriages; clung to my slimy wet shoulder from birth in an old British town, and after my heart said, “**** it. I’m done.”

Donnie, who knew me well; whose laser eye cut through my survival shield. Who was there with the ******* and the priest in his long white gown, red, sputtering scooter, and bifocals that saw me before I slid under black sage bushes on Bleak Street. “We must learn to forgive,” he preached, as if he’d previewed the ****** fantasy with the teenage butcher and 12-inch blade; who dreamed of severed jugular veins; who knew their precise anatomical position from Biology 101; who raged through life buoyed by his noble struggle to overachieve, kick poverty in the *** and please his mother. She wanted him to be a shrink who performed lobotomies and lived in a mansion on the hill. But instead, he peddled anti-psychotics and sildenafil.

Donnie, who nixed my flirtation with cremation with her thesis on Casper’s Law. Who waxed poetic on the cycle of life and the critical role of clostridia in butyric fermentation. Who stoked my angst of guns and God; and the Talmud’s curse that justified subjugation of blacks for five hundred years, and gave us Jesus, blond and white with sky blue eyes, and prosperity preachers with a penchant for private jets, Bentleys and pews packed with faithful followers seeking salvation and eternal life but fearing death and the neighbor’s son with sagging jeans, snapbacks and kicks by Kanye West.

Donnie, who worshipped only supreme reality. Who scoffed at the devout deacons and their elegies of compassion after protracted nights of drunken bliss and fornication at the bordello. Who challenged me to read and think independently; and unlearn the trappings of blind faith in a deity unseen that failed to intervene when Baba and Phoebe were yoked, *****, chained, stripped of name, culture and natural identity; made to slog like two-legged mules in a land far, far away; for missionary masters who ****** black men in public for dissent, and threw black babies, naked, screaming, into giant, snapping jaws of bull gators for fun.

Donnie, who inspired me to explore the theory of applied nothingness; that nothing is something and everything is something and nothing; that nothing is the silence from which a baby’s scream emerges and to which it returns; that singular forces of expansion and compression move the universe to an inevitable state of oneness. That the world is the laboratory of the independent thinker who knows the only constant is change; whose mind is constantly moving and learning new tricks, not stuck in the static biblical paradigm of many interpretations, including that curse of Ham, that seismic slight of hand that shifted and redefined tectonic geopolitical plates of master and slave by race.

Donnie, who knew the moving mass of maggots feasting on my rotting flesh were merely spokes in the cycle of life and death. Who knew heaven was a myth like the devil; that both lived in me, on Earth, a duality that made me love and hate and share and steal that shiny red apple from the Korean grocery store on Utica Avenue, just for the thrill of it. Nonetheless, a part of me wanted to confess, just in case that nothingness theory was just applied ******* and John 3:16 was real. Just in case, mother, who prayed five times a day, and sent four-figure checks to Benny Hinn whom she’d never met, and gave me a black bible to help me find the Lord, was right all along. But a few Berettas and bump stocks intervened.

Donnie knew I was dead when the bullet split my head in two back in 2032 at Times Square. There would be no 2033; no ‘Happy New Year’ toast, no kisses, no cheer. Just rat-a-tat-tat, screams and mayhem on 42 Street. There were 175 dead at the scene when the giant ball completed its 60-second drop; New York City’s second worst mass killing in modern history. Children missing limbs; gaping holes in the chest of men that held beating hearts at 11:58 pm; chunks of brains, eyeballs and other human remains swimming in blood near headless victims. The three white terrorists did not discriminate. Every race felt the deadly force of guns meant for war but fiercely defended by Second Amendment zealots and the NRA.

I should have migrated to Tokyo back in ’85.

Donnie disagreed. She’d stayed connected to my departed, restless soul in the after-life. Together, we observed the protracted decomposition of my earthly shell in a loosely-sealed casket somewhere under the red clays of Georgia. Donnie, who knew I needed therapy after that morbidly brutal exit from the physical realm of palpable matter; back to the golden eternity of nothingness from whence I came. Who reminded me that my brief sojourn among the living was not inconsequential; that I’d left an indelible mark in my sphere of influence, real and virtual; that I’d found and used my gift of write for the greater good of preserving naked truths of humanity; that my ancestors were pleased, including my deceased mother, whose long position on pious options had filled the coffers of Benny Hinn and other preaching predators like pastor Mike at the Bootleg Church of Brooklyn; yet yielded nothing which is something as hitherto explained.

“Your mortal life unfolded exactly as nature intended,” Donnie counseled, in her infinite wisdom, adding, “even the biologically immortal pine will die when struck by lightning or swept by a tsunami or snapped like a toothpick by a giant tornado.”

“And those pines produce oxygen to support life on the red clays of Georgia, now uniformly enriched by your final contribution to the world.”
Experimental piece; post-mortem stream of consciousness.
halioth Apr 2014
I am one knight that creates a whole army,
I am the sword and the vein it cuts through,
I am the blood that gushes out,
I am the soul that flee from the body which I am,
I am lifeless and very much alive,
I am victory and loss, pride and shame,
I am the horse and the saddle,
The cradle that carries the baby which I am,
I am a mother and her joy,
The grief of previous miscarriages,
I am a broken engagement,
I am a dead couple,
I am an empty space and the crowded matter it contains,
I am uselessly important,
I am something nothing can change,
**I AM DESTINY
DarlingChild Apr 2014
Dear Braylin, my dearest sister
never did I think
that you were ever possible
Never did I wonder what'd it be like
to feel your hand wrapped around my finger
Never did I feel strange about leaving to visit my father
Because my little bea,
never did I think that you were ever possible.
I used to be satisfied with our cousins
running around after them like they were little princesses
Only now I see-though I love them without question-
Now I see that they can't compare.
Darling you are beyond any princess that could compare.
I knew from the moment I saw you that you'd be special.
I'd been waiting by those doors for half an hour when I finally saw you
You were screaming and covered in white but I didn't care
I couldn't think
As we all crowded around the window
to watch as my stepfather-your daddy-cleaned you up nice
I felt tears in my eyes, but I pushed them back
when our brother held me for the picture, I wanted to push him away
I was so mad at him
I was mad because I was scared
scared that he would put you down like he does me
I still am
But I won't let you hurt
I'll be there when you cry
I wipe the tears away from your eyes
Eyes that I soon found out were blue- like mine.
Only your's are darker, a deep dark blue like the deep ocean
I could stare at your eyes, your face, your beauty forever.
That's what I thought- the first time I held you
As the tears finally streamed down my face, and everyone laughed
Everyone laughed, but I didn't care for once
All I could think of was the miscarriages that mommy had
So many babies she lost
I had tried to not get my hopes up with you
but my worries were in vain
here you were, sleeping in my arms
they all talked about how I'd gotten you to quiet down
they were impressed
I wasn't very surprised
It seems almost like a common thing now
not that I can calm you down- you're so adorably spoiled-
but that I can connect with you
that you love me
I know you do, like I've never known anything before
never did I imagine that you were possible
but here you are, and here I'll stay
It makes me sad to think, in just four years
I'll have to leave- I've never liked thinking about growing up
but you make it even worse
When I start college, you'll be only four years old
What if I can't always be here?
What if I miss something?
What if you forget me?
Don't ever forget me, Bea.
I'll never forget you, I'm staying strong for you
I'll go out, and live, and make a future for myself
Because I want you to have everything you want in life
and I want to be one to help with that.
Never did I think you were possible
But looking into your deep blue eyes,
I know that anything is possible
I'll prove it.
I'll make me dreams come true
no matter how impossible they seem
We thought you were impossible
now look where we are.
**Nothing is impossible
Little old thing for my sister. It's not that good, not to mention the grammar errors but whatever.

— The End —