I have grown tired,
After only a short twenty years,
Of being something for your eyes.
Tired of slurred compliments,
Uttered from behind glazed eyes,
And catching eyes flick up
from where they had been stuck-
Wow! This person has *******!

Sick of hearing calls and jeers,
shouted from across the street,
from inside of a car,
from the base of an over-sexualised,
and over-sexualising brain.

And so in an attempt to remove myself from such *******,
I have been de-sexualising myself.
I wear long, ill-fitting trousers,
Baggy tops, and thick Doc Martens.
I pull up hair up,
Put my glasses on,
I do not bother with make-up.
I glare and I scowl.
Yet still unwanted attention
Has been able to find me.

Still you grab and grasp at me,
As if I were but a toy at your disposal.
I turned to one,
and looking in his eyes,
I clearly said "No.".
A dog, a child, a human,
Would have understood me;
Yet he did not.

I turned again when his hands didn't stop.
"*******, I said No."
"Slap me, baby, I'm sorry!"
He leered, not sorry in the least.
"I'm not going to hit you.
I'm saying no,
and you're going to respect that."

He left for a moment,
Only to return as handsy as before.

I tell you honestly,
I have no idea
What more I'd need to do
To get some people to see me
Not as a real-life *** toy,
But as a *******
human
being.

I can’t really tell you
About love,
You.

I’m interested in *******
Till I’m raw, and holding
You like the universe you
Are.

Sometimes I go around
With hoes,
Smoking blunts till we fume
And sing and laugh
And start getting handsy.

Sometimes they have their kids in the other room,
And they yelp and laugh; when I look into these hoes
Eyes, all I see is aggression. I’m not seeing myself.

I’m not saying these things
The way I want them to be sung.

Most of my money
Runs out the door. Like a bandit,
Trouble likes to peep me when I’m at my worst.

The cops have never been so *****
As when they see me, and they ******
Holsters.

I go alone a lot. To a lot of places.

Hoes, Money, Depression, Debt,
Bad Credit, All kinds of Addiction,
****, Alcohol, ****, Codeine, Nicotine,
My brain is a Chemical Frenzy,
Most days I’m hovering like a mote.

I graduated,
Look at my degree: **** Me.

I have come home to a confining place,
A spit-swallowing place, full of half-breathed people
And tight-lipped sorrows.  

I can only
go
when it’s convenient
And necessary.

I can only
be
when it’s part of a digression,
Never progression.

Food tastes like paper,
I’ve taken a likening.

Lights are fastened to the sky,
The glue wears, washes my eyes in milk,
The jewels drop,
The world ends.

Then it all snaps back into place, eerily,
So clean I never saw it.

Ask me if I can tell you about love,
When I can remember your body
And
It’s casual thump,
Clothed or not,
Drunk or sober,
Speaking or silent.

Ask me if I can drive home and peel back the sky with my left hand, while steering Earth into oblivion,
As I lean across wind-swept galaxies of dust, ash, and settled nicotine
To kiss Florida Orange lips, sip the nectar of insanity, and
Swerve on universe eyes.

Pantywaist,
This shows no taste.
Light in the loafers,
Maybe for gofers.
Squats to ***,
Who? Not me!
Limp-wristed,
It it’s twisted, maybe.

***** and sissified,
Maybe somebody lied.
*** and ******,
You’re a bigot.
Bigass Fruit,
Zoot and all root.
Tuttifruity,
Call to gay duty.

Half a man,
Sometimes better than.
Tinkerbell,
Go to hell.
Airy-fairy,
You’re just scary.
******* bandit,
I can’t stand it.
*******,
Bigass *******.

Silly queen,
Quit being mean.
Flutter-by,
Can’t pronounce butterfly?
*****,
Don’t get handsy, mate!
Nancy boy.
Political ploy.

Just some of the words
We gays have all heard
With each imprecation
The implication
Is that we are sick,
Definitely twisted,
And the end result
Is that each insult
Pushes the speaker
Further away, and weakens
The hold on a reality
That homosexuality
Is just another normality.
In short, reality.

Yesterday evening,
As I was traveling,
We hit the river styx.

The bussers got to scattering,
And a man made out of twigs
Sat next to me with a swish.

With teeth all a'chattering
Through a stutter-ridden lisp,
He blubbered and he spit
As he asked me for a kiss.

I said "that's quite flattering,
But you smell like stagnant ****,
And I don't have any patience
For this attempted tryst."

With a devilish twist
Of his knotted, wooden wrist,
He handed me a Twix,
And said "eat this piece of candy
And I'll grant your every wish."

I knew it would be handy
When I packed some liquorice,
And though he was too handsy,
His promise seemed legit.

I traded him my sweets
And I ate his offered treat,
Then I feel asleep as quick
As a widow starts to weep.

I must admit
I was shocked
To find myself a heap,

A pile of trash
Cast aside
To be swept off of the street.

Lesson learned,
Ingrained deep:
Never trust
A timber creep
You meet upon a bus,
And never eat
Offered sweets,
Or else you will get mugged.

I woke up thinking about her. Couldn't wait for her to arrive. She texted saying she was outside. I brought her in. We sat on the sofa. We talked. I kissed her. She kissed me back. We made out some more, I got handsy, she said no. I stopped. We talked. We kissed again. She laid down with her back on the sofa, and I on top of her. We made out some more, she said no. I stopped. I stood up and just looked at her. "What do you want me to do" she asked. "I don't want you to do anything" I replied. She looked so torn apart. She wanted to **** me so badly but she knew it would only make the pain worse. A fire lit up inside her. She stood up, wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. She had never pressed her body against me so hard before. She reached down for my **** and started rubbing. Suddenly, what I had been craving all morning, and was about to receive, was making me feel sick inside. But it didn't matter because I kissed her back and held her even tighter. I picked her up. She wrapped her legs around me. I carried her into the bedroom, our lips still tightly locked together. I threw her down on the bed. She took off her top. I took mine off. She took off her shorts. I took mine off. I kissed her hard and removed her underwear. She removed mine. I pressed my naked body on top of her naked body. No foreplay, no ******. I penetrated her. She moaned, as did I. Back and forth I began to ******. I felt so ***** but I couldn't stop. I noticed tears in her eyes. That made me stop. I looked at her. She said to me through quivering lips "You know I like you a lot, right?". I kept silent, just staring at her. Tears streamed down my eyes. I like this girl, but not as much as she likes me. She loves me. She absolutely adores me. I could never reciprocate the love she has for me. I pulled out and laid beside her, with my arms around her body. We were still. We were silent. I caressed her skin and hair. I held her hands. Tears were still streaming from my eyes. We had known each other for 10 months. I am heartless. She turned to face me. Wiped the tears from my eyes. I embraced her. I held her tight. She deserves so much better. This twisted relationship between us must stop. We did everything couples did. But I never called her my girlfriend. I never told anyone about her. I never took a picture with her. Not even one. 10 months. Not even one. She put up with so much of my *******. She fought so hard. She looked so adorable in my arms. I couldn't help myself. I kissed her. She kissed me back. I told her to get on top. She rode me like never before. She bounced like a toddler on a trampoline for the first time. She ****** the **** out of me. I sat up with her still on top of me, picked her up and spun us around so that now she lay on her back while I was on top. I pumped away. We kissed passionately. Nearly blew my load so I put on a ******. I didn't trust myself to pull out in time. I ****** her and then laid beside her again. We talked. We talked about us. I started crying again. It would have made the strangest movie scene had it been filmed. We just laid there for a while. Just when she was about to leave, we made love again. We got dressed. We hugged. Then she left.

I miss her already. I miss her so much. I miss the way she looks at me. I miss her excitement when she sees me. I miss how she grabs my arm so lovingly. I miss how she kisses me so adoringly.

Rance looked at the speedometer. Set  at 65 and on cruise control ,which he was fully aware of - at least he should have been. He kept looking anyway.
   Every time he glanced at the speedometer , he had to lift the fingers of his right hand to see, as it was draped across the 12 to 1 o'clock Zone of the steering wheel in the most casual way ,causing his fingers, in drooping repose- to resemble an enormous back scratcher.
   His left arm rested on the window sill at the elbow as he was experiencing a slightly manic episode  of nerves,  therefore he was doing his best to stretch his left ear lobe  all the way down to his shoulder . Okay, maybe not that radical, but he was firmly  in danger of removing the inner layer of skin from his earlobe with his rubbing thumb.
    Quick glances to his right with darting eyes confirmed his fear .  He  also saw the absence of Largo's large grey head., so a quick backward glance into the rear of the camper- unintentional but habitual -allowed him to see that Largo was asleep beside stormy in the approximate territory each  had staked out
  It was as he was pulling his head back forward , that Piney glanced up from The Notebook to smile.  There in the co-pilot seat , she sat gracing him with a  warm smile , and as far as Rance could tell , those lips that  smiled at him- so friendly -/were totally natural and uncolored, and if she were wearing any makeup at all ,it wasn't enough to cover the four or five little freckles just above the tip of her nose.  The natural look  gave her face that timeless look.   She could have been anywhere from 18 to 25 or 30 he didn't really know and....he really didn't care .
    It was noticing  those walnut colored flecks, just outside the iris of her light ,hazel colored eyes that  started causing him such personal turmoil.  As it seemed - to his astonishment- that he seemed unable to detatch  his own vision from  those eyes.,  Until she looked back - that is.
    First happening to him when she had  accepted his offered ride and as she wss climbing into the copilot's seat. If it hadn't been for largo, who had instantly attached his chin onto her  thigh ,she might have noticed how he was staring .  Fortunately  he was able to break it off but he was still self conscious of that effect she was having on him.
   After he'd done the initial stumble in the parking lot , he had actually carried on with - amazingly enough  -surprising clarity. It was in those 10 minutes that he had learned of her hometown and  all of the time she had been on the road up to now. Which had been all of 30 miles.
    It was that nagging voice that  kept repeating - in the back of Rances mind- the thing that she had said. " I wasn't really planning to be stopping at that restaurant , but I had to get out of that car.   Although the rest of what she said mattered , it was that part that kept resonating .
  " Oh that guy ! "/She grumbled "was just getting creepier and creepier.  The farther we went down the road , the bolder he got ,as he began to get handsy.
First , puting his hand on my knee and then a little bit later a little higher up my thigh." She shuttered  as she spoke  , in a pantomime inspired gesture before continuing. "It was after he pulled out that bottle and then started taking swigs that things got really bad.   When we started coming around that long curve, just before we got to the restaurant he was unable to bother me and ,adjust  for the curve,  so he kept driving over into the other lanes. Then he over-corrected ,almost getting  us killed  by a semi that came barreling through in the slow lane.   Laying on the horn as it swerved away to miss us, and then I knew I had to get the hell out of that car. Anyway possible.
  " So right then I saw the restaurant sign and I tried to get the best lilt into my voice and the most calm that I could muster as I said  "Hey! there's the place  I'm supposed to play tonight. Pull over ..right here! RIGHT HERE!!!"
    But in his slow, befuddled ,drunk and almost run over  brain he stopped right in the middle of the slow lane . " Where we at?"
  "We're at the place I'm playing guitar music tonight " She said -that she told him this - to keep his attention so she could wrestle the guitar case out of the back seat ,over the seat back and out the doorway of the car.  Then just as she had it ready to pull through the open doorway she reluctantly said " Thanks for the ride." Then with a little thought and ****** attitude " yeah ...I'll be playing here tonight at 8 o'clock , so why don't you come by and listen" she lied
  A bit perturbed and confused but he was still able to find his inner creep as he spoke.... muttered .....gutterally.... whatever  "Yeah I'll do that and then me and you can have a drink and I got a little Coke " then he did that drunken kind of wink where they end up opening their mouth in  such a crooked fashion that it looks like a stroke victims Visage
  " Where is a fly when you need one ". Piney  said that then she pulled  the guitar case on through  the doorway , wrestling it the 10 feet over to the grassy apron of the road . Returning to close the door as  he asked "what did ja say?
   "Oh . I said I've always wanted to give Coke a try " and with that she closed the door -/just short of a slam.
 " You got it ba "...as he pointed his right forefinger like a pistol, but if it went off Piney never heard as she trundled her case across the grass area  in the most direct route towards the building and the safety of people.
  At this moment she was still in the process of confirming the abject fear that had Rances heart doing flip-flops, as he was aware that she was still sitting there ,reading his poetry.
    As soon as she had settled into the copilots seat, allowed Storm and Largo to introduce themselves and as they happily filed her smells away. Storm returned to his spot after just a half of a minute while Largo, on the other hand gently lay his head on her leg and for all appearances seemed to go into a trance.
     She confidently rubbed his head as she spoke in a slight cooing sound then looking up at Rance as he was guiding them out the parking lot and did the cruelist thing possible . As polite as a butterfly landing on the petal of a flower she asked if she might read some.
  To which Rance had said "Sure , go ahead " and then began trying to do damage to his left earlobe. After 30 miles he was beginning to catch up with his runaway thoughts.
   Any remnants of sua da vi that he had mustered up in the parking lot , now long gone -evaporated. Unfortunately now it was being  replaced by a carrousel of thoughts in poor Rances mind that spun to the cacophony of music from the most  sinister sounding Calliope.
   Though the music blasted a torrential sound wave throughout his mind it was not enough to silence the voice that kept repeating " oh man oh man oh man" - with annoying and echoing  persistance - from an obscure region--, somewhere beyond the Swirling carrousel.
   Then suddenly the crazy carnival and the voice came to a sudden mind shuttering stop.as piney's soft velvety voice interceded. " you wrote these...i mean ...all of them ?"
  A quick glance towards Piney was enough to.see this fresh faced girl with those magnetic eyes- now filled to overflowing  with tears -  was looking at him in a wonderfilled  way as she held the open notebook in right hand and with the other she stroked largos head.,Which had rematerialized.on her lap , just as soon as her voice had broken the relative silence.
    " He really likes you" remarked the reemerging Rance ,as he indicated Largo with his head. 'And yes I did ...write .....yeah all of them." Not really smooth he said to himself ..but okay.
    " This one " Piney pointed to a page that Rance could not take time to recognize " Somber Sunset. Its killing me....my grandmother just went ...and went through Alzheimer's before she passed. "
    Rance was still staring out the windshield, in silent astonishment - at her perception- when Piney gathered herself to the point of unbroken speech. " that is what its about ...right ?"
      Rance turned a full face ..straight on and confident gaze into her tear glissening eyes ( sua DA vi having returned full force) "Yes " he softly acknowledged her perceptivity" as I read it ...yes"
      Thats  when that annoying voice decided to reassert itself . "  There is always something about a damsel in distress that always brings  out even the most quivering coward ...." SHUT THE HELL UP!! Lance barked out at the voice as he stared out the windshield while making a slight adjustment to avoid.a small box in the road.
   At that very moment the sleeping Storm opened his eyes to stare forward with both ears and eyes , as if he had heard his masters voice call out in angry distress. With no danger detected as he scanned the area, he was about to resume his squirrel watching -which had just gotten good before the interruption -/Storm let his eyes scan around and land on Largo ." Humans "he spoke to himself " good thing they're smart enough to befriend dogs. Now that Largo...that's a dog that poor Rance could learn a thing or two from." Then he closed down his eyes and calling out "squorrely come on squirrel where'd ya go"  as his slight snore began and his right rear leg began twitching.

a study of beauty the musicality
of the bulging awareness or not
in d issonance to assonance we cling like
wet cabbage leaves in the porcelain sink
some things are bet ter finely ground
i have found such handsy syllables

out of grasp conflationary soup for one
is seasoned and ready tho i bought a mix
inhalations of craven veins distilled no salt
have you felt of vanquishing a foe whole
you see i have these episodes of nerves quit ting
at beginnings middles and ends or otherwise

and so dear readers our hero wanders away
delirious in a narrow band of certainty
held tightly by something other than hands

I see how they look at me
With eyes that hunger for skin
I see how the eat me up in their stares
Their endless thirst makes me grin.

                                                        ­   I feel them degrade me in each glance
                                                          ­                ******* me like a play toy
                                                             Eating me with their wandering eyes
                                                            ­    This is why I don’t settle for a boy.

To be wanted is my worth
Their sole desire
To hold me and love me
Would ignite their little fire

                                                         ­      I cannot be looked at in such a way
                                                             ­     I feel ***** from their careless eyes
                                                            ­   The way they imagine me bent over
                                                            ­                          A part of my soul dies

I love the way it feels
When he puts his hand on my thigh
How it feels to have his lips on my neck
And know he's not a nice guy

                                                          ­          I hate when they glance my way
                                                             ­     and saunter over like were friends
                                                         ­                  and how he tries to touch me
                                                              ­           and begs this night not to end

I love it when those bad boys get handsy
and beg for a touch or two
and plead for a peek
and say I'm the kind of girl they'd *******

                                                        ­                     *to be desired in such a way
                                                             ­                            makes me sick inside
                                                          ­                    I just want to be a good girl
                                                            ­               and be someone's cute bride

In the place my parents
Never wanted me to be
Never dreamed I’d be
Their perfect daughter
Off at college
Studying, of course
Even on weekends
In your frat house
In sweaty dark rooms
Lit only by black lights
With music blaring
So loud
You feel the bass in your
Not well covered chest
Solo cup in hand
Already feeling the room
Begin to spin

You’re the boy my parents
Never wanted me to meet
And the guy who would never
Have gone to my high school
And the one my friends
Would have hated
Back then
With the pierced lip
And tattoos
And smoking
And drinking
Getting handsy
And speaking fast, fluent Spanish
The later it gets
On a Friday night

You were everything they never wanted for me
And everything I needed you to be

Here I am pen in hand
about to write another stupid love poem
still unsure if i have ever been in love
See I used to fake love to get handsy under the bleachers
now I'm so practiced at faking love that I could probably get Grammys
My words have always been adequate enough to put smiles on girls faces
But my words have never been concrete enough to find a place with anyone in particular
Maybe that why I find it easier to bounce around from girl to girl making declarations of love to you and then again to her
I've even gotten so good at faking love that I have fooled myself into believing I'm someone worth loving
So good in fact that there are days when I wish my hands were made of sandpaper because I've been stroking my ego so much that I've started devoloping carpal tunnel in my smile
But then again I've always had pain behind my grin

I fell for your warm eyes
And inviting smile
But I stayed to appease the pit that formed in my chest
The aching longing that grumbled angrily
Like a dormant monster when we were apart

But when I got handsy
You pushed me away
Left me hooked on a drug I couldn’t partake in
A sensation I could never truly experience

Our love was a mistake
Free from the fever dream,
I’m plagued by a supercut of facepalms
And quivering lips

What I assumed was intimacy
Was simply infatuation
So I fled
Oblivious to your shadow hanging over me

Where I ran
Your presence followed
A restless wind trailing after me
Never letting me forget it’s there
Slipping between my fingers
Running through my clothes
Sitting heavy on my lips
So every subsequent relationship
Was saturated by your memory

Warm winter day
Volleyball
***** socks
Too much makeup
Your foot on my arm
The girl who can't stop spinning
A cacophony of gossip
Coffee on the porch
Too many pills
Trips to the store
Hiding cigarettes
Hiding lighters
Can I use yours yet
Crying because of husbands
Spending because of husbands
Handsy uncles
Handsy aunts
More coffee?
Yes. please.
How's your job
It's the best.
I get love and love and love
No regrets
Competition
**** waving
Sunday night
Driving home

JFK, a bird-******* fool, maybe worse.
Bill Clinton, a bird-******* fool, maybe worse.
Ronald Reagan, that amiable date-*****.
George H. W. Bush, notoriously handsy.
Joe Biden, also handsy.
Donald Trump, a good old fashioned ******.

The best and the brightest.
The dumb *****. Not so different.

Yes indeed, we're a ***** bunch.

I’m not comfortable in my skin. It’s either too loose or too tight,
Depending upon the daily elements. I want one that fits me like a glove.

Would that there were a place to get a custom skin replacement.
I would want one like armor but striated with gilding for decoration.

I would insist on a warning system. A bell or flash or protruding daggers.
I want my replacement skin to protect me from all outside forces.

No connivers, no joy takers, no evil eyes, no snake smilers, no horse thieves,
No acrid pontificators, no mouth breathers, no pulpit screamers, no handsy Uncle Bobs

My new skin would be removable for those rare occasions when I want the world
To enter me, to delight me, to show me the way, to love me, and to keep me.

Every time a man gets too close
I'm brought back to those memories.
Memories of when He touched me.
A mere 12 years old,
lying asleep in bed.
So scared to utter a word,
too terrified to tell mommy.

Every time another woman confides in me,
I'm brought back to those memories.
Memories of when He hid in the walls.
Watching a little girl change,
thinking of what He'd do later.
Too selfish and perverted
to realize the impact He'd have on her.

Every time a boy gets too close,
I'm brought back to those memories.
Memories of when He had touched me.
When He had gotten too close; too handsy.
I cannot unfeel what he did,
Not even after 5 years.
The scar is forever sealed under my skin.

Every time I see that car,
I'm brought back to those memories.
Memories of Him and His Molestation.
And I cannot help but to wish
that somehow, some way, He had been arrested.
But instead, the man walks free.
And now He lives in a house of little girls,
and the blame rests on me.

Taken her a little lamb
Just leave, I need not stand
How do we know each other?
Please no longer hold me under

I don’t want to be here anymore
Just leave me on the floor
Frozen me, what you used' be
Alive not wanted, alongside seen

Come to me and say your peace
Come to me as a priest,
You don’t have to talk less handsy
As long as it helps us gladly

Take me on the gutters
Throw me to the monsters
Save me from my demons
Those clever little creatures

Scurry my defect youth
Protect me from their notions
Throw me from the bleachers
Make sure no pieces broken

She died when her peers
Took her and made a bleeder

Verse 1:


Ive walked this road many times before
This time it seems something strange
I took a wrong turn
Did I lose my way
Did I break my compass
Let my distracted mind stray


Hold my thumb up to the sun
Manifest destination
Road rise to meet me
World won't you greet me
For a while will you mirror my smile


Chorus:


Always one more
Means an even score
We can't win for losing
But we losers are doing just fine


We're going to be all right
Awake through the long night
Prepared for winter, we arbiters of center
Never fear one more mile


Verse 2:


Dear lady will you fix me some vittles
My feet are sore and spirit brittle
Sit beside your fire, before I retire
I'll even sing you a tune for a smile


I won't refuse your company
Feel free to lie next to me
But I'm a gentleman
I won't get handsy
Unless it's you that asks me


Bridge:

 

Biding
Building
Patiently
Anxiously
Calmly
Coura­geously
Humbly
Waiting
Distracting
Acting
Exacting
Protecting
Lis­tening
Existing
Persisting
RESISTING


Dear man, may I offer you a hand
Cutting wood and plowing your land
All I ask is a roof to sleep under
And perhaps a bit of warm supper


I notice your daughter is beautiful
Has the lass given her heart away
She's nice to talk to
Rustles up a mean stew
Did mention her comely face