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I spouse I should feel sad but I don't
You always put a lot on me so hard to say no
Oh and you know all of what you done
I wish I could say it was once but it was twice
Maybe even more the whole night was a real nightmare
Too handsy for your age, where is your wife?
You’re so gross, you snake, as you think you are making your way
I wonder how many girls you twisted to play your games
Now you pay as you watch years dissipate
Overnight one passionate day
I wish I could say I was sorry but I am not.
Chapter Three: The Whistleblower
Come to me
It’s not what it’s all out to be
Letters my love
Can only go so far
You are not the right one
A hard one to swallow
But true
Time to let go
But here is to you
Cannabidiol
My plant extract
You make life a little more sweeter
You make breathing a little smoother
Now no boy can do that
This is a commemoration
Of our bodies lying out by design
Because of you.
Chapter Two: Massage Beds and Therapy Sessions
I investigated every bone in my body
Seeking the universe in my chronic pain
I fell within so deep
I couldn't recite life on earth  
Depression stole me each night
Demonstrating the darkness and how it could be played
The devil even said you'd like this place
Depression befriended fierce anxiety
Pulling the rug underneath my feet
Every night crying hostage to this body and mind
Captive by thoughts that left me in fear and on edge
I’m just the hell out of choices
And I’m the hell out of control
Chapter Two: Massage Beds and Therapy Sessions
Meditation
Meditation is home
Meditation is a time of severe distress
It is a place to feel
A place to be me
A place where everything finally felt okay
A place where it was okay to not be okay

Meditation you know my heart and soul
Judgments could come my way but that would be okay
And for once I felt a smile form on my face

In meditation, I learned and noticed thoughts were just thoughts, and those don't define me
I learned about peace, one mentioned I would wake up one day and feel that peace within
That motivated me
So I woke and woke and woke up
Days would change and emotions would transform
But when I was here
It was the same but somehow brand new
I learned I’m so much more than my thoughts
Constantly active but could supervise my psyche

Meditation you know my secrets and fears
And the ground caught my tears every step of the way

In meditation, I learned a lot about pain
And how it could manifest in the body
I learned about breathing and how I could expand and really enjoy, soothe, and release

In meditation, I was in the moment
I could finally forget
And feel vulnerable even calm and free
It is the loss of control and willingness
Instead, it is bearing the unknown

In meditation, I learned about patience
Realizing I almost had none
And presence was scary
But how could that be?
I learned so much about me
So when emotions were high I could come here
When no place felt like home but here.
Chapter Three: The Whistleblower
So much more sensitive now
If you think I don't have the right to have a heart
Here is to you
I’m only human
Unresolved emotions flourish and live on now
Only human

Trying to outgrow my past
Once held a web of backbiting tales
And when I am trying to look ahead love
I don't need the ones who remind me of the past putting me in reverse

So much more like a child now
If you think you know me
Well I guess we can all go home now
You were convinced and fooled love
Your prescription of me is relevant
What you think of me is none of my business love

Trying to outlive my past
Once told by a distorted mind
And when I am trying to go, forward love,
I don't need the ones who look backward love.
Chapter Three: The Whistleblower
Last night I felt myself finally lighter
I felt the weight of hate leave my face
The heaviness of what you think of me soften
Feeling you noticed all my faults and defeats
But you couldn't look inside my pain
Not idealizing my delivery either
I sat under many words
Never rolled and never lived

And there were days I hide away my accomplishments
Feeling I couldn't share trying to make you feel less small
Body confidence down the drain
So I became one in the same
And I'll do all I can do
To trust myself again
To rebuild myself
To let you go
Thousands of pages, let's go
Pushing pieces together that were never meant to fit
Missing the mark
The old-age case of friends having a falling out
Only this one was ages ago
What else is there to say
But that you will never know what I have been going through

Wish you were more gentle and less cold
Move past the icy past
Yet I was so overlooked deliberately ignored by design
Apologies brushed over and checking out
Cause it wasn't on your time
Nice guys do what is told
Watering down feelings
That's not my reasons
But never knowing if I was on your good side
Tracing my footsteps to understand why
Slowly digging myself into a grave
You have many warped around your tears
You’re so good
Playing animosity like a violin
And I believed I was no good
And so easy to let go

A day on the edge of a break
I fought back my tears of shame
Couldn't really get a word in
I couldn't explain
I didn't know if you could see
But I was sure you all did
No one said a word
So convinced I was hiding it well
And well you said some warm words I will never forget
Still today always grateful for that fragile moment
And all of the unfolding even where I lost it all
Gaining myself above it all
So I'll keep sending myself roses
In hopes of softening all the hurt
To mourn the friendships
I felt I once had.
Chapter Three: The Whistleblower
What does it feel like
To be understood?
The nausea of it all
The seek of the release
It keeps going on and on
There is no ending
I hang by a thread
And I can never turn back
A terrace I never chose to wander
Crossed eyes my sister watches
It never stops
I remember it all
Like it's my own memory
But it's not her recollection
Flashes of the burgundy floral couch
Still, haunt me before my understanding
I remember it all but not through my eyes
All above
Outta my body
This is my story.

Why does history repeat itself?
Everyone is quiet
Some sort of cushionionary tale
Eire whispering tails of death
The third-generation curse
A complication
My body relives her fear
Cause no one acknowledges her pain
She's forgotten in the heat of it all
Shadows cast away her life
Until one day she couldn't take it anymore.

Even in death, she lives in the dusk of the moon
There is blood on her name
There is blood on your hands

I am safe, I am safe
All I ever wanted to hear was that I was okay
Baby, it’s okay
It’s okay.
Chapter Three: The Whistleblower
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