For some a heartbreak is worth a fifth of *****.
Others, a pint of ice cream.
For me, it was lots of **** last time.
But, you, you're a different kind of hurt.
The one that keeps you up at night.
The kind of heartbreak you can feel in your lungs.
Each breath becoming increasingly more difficult to take.
You are the kind of heartbreak that you never truly get over.
You are the kind of heartbreak that feels like it can only ever healed with a bullet.

i hope you see me at the bottom of your glass
i hope you see me in your sunday mass
i hope you see me in your saturday cartoons
i hope you see me in the summer rain
i hope you see me in the cracked porcelain
i hope you see me in the smile of a child
i hope you see me in the sun upon your back
i hope you see me in your afternoon snack
i hope you see me in the daisy growing through the cracks in the sidewalk
i hope you see me in the face of everyone you love
i hope you see me in the beauty of a dove
i hope you see me in the ember of your cigarette
i hope you see me in every dog you pet
i hope you see me in your lovers eyes
i hope you see me in your dreams
i hope you see me in your favorite sports teams
i hope you see me in your nightmares
i hope you see me in your mirror
i hope you see me when you start thinking clearer
i hope you see me in the faces of a close friend
i hope you see me in the end
cause god knows i see you

I could never wait to get to the center
of the lollipop without biting.
Never had the patience of the kid in the commercial.
I was always the owl.
One lick to growing up too fast.
One lick to unwanted ****** scenarios.
One lick to depression.
One lick to heartbreak.
One lick to self medication.
One lick to suicide.
Lick.
Lick.
Lick.




Crunch.

I want to french kiss you
with a grenade in my mouth

Youre just like your father she said
not knowing that she was right
just not in the way she meant
the way she meant was that he was
a spitfire
a hoodlum
the kind of kid who'd start every fight
she didnt know however that he drank cheap beer
just like his father
for the same reasons
his clammy hands clasped around the neck of the brown bottle
as if he was trying to hold on to the little bit of fight he had left in him
he smoked cigarettes just like his father
for the same reasons
the smoke burning his chest
filling the emptiness that was left there from the many lovers who took what they wanted and left
he was broken and hurting deep inside
just
like
his
father
already emotionless and hardened from the years of struggles in his life
just like his father

You were my sunshine, I loved to feel your warmth on my back, and your beauty radiating upon my face.
Sunshine is good for you, in small quantities. I didn’t mind the sunburns I’d get and would take all the vitamin D I could get.
Prolonged exposure to sun can cause sunburns, premature skin aging (though that may have been attributed to the cigarettes you made me addicted to)  skin damage (from the knives you’d drag across my body, you were always a sadist)  and skin cancer. You were a tumor, slowly killing me, and I had to cut you away from me. I’m in remission, I pray to God that you don’t make me go through this again, no amount of treatment, whether it be cannabis or prayer could save me a second time.





I am vitamin D deficient.

teardrops on a bedroom pillow
blood drops into the bathroom sink
my heart drops into my stomach
my voice drops to a monotone whisper
my body drops to the floor
my mother drops me off at the hospital
morticians drop my body into the casket
the priest drops the casket into the earth
the worms drop into my hollow chest

I wish I could be his lips, for they are embracing yours, not mine, tonight.
I ache to be his arms, to hold you tightly and never to let go feeling your warmth and softness.
I crave to be his eyes to look at you once more, soaking in your ethereal radiance.
I long to be his chest, to have you rest your head upon me listening to my heartbeat and soft breathing, falling asleep upon me.
I yearn to be his ears, to hear your soft and poetic words as they dance around in my head once again in that special way that only you can create.
I Miss Loving You.

in a world so rough
you were so soft

when i lay down to rest in my bed
its you who dances around in my head
you are the never ending sky
you are the best kind of high
whole days spent on the phone
you make me feel not alone
i hope you feel this in your chest
and never forget that i tried my best
i want to feel your arms around me
holding falling drowning
an eternal abyss
unadulterated bliss
you were the one good with words
i miss you
Longing.

Goodnight mother
goodnight friends
goodnight moon
and all loose ends
goodnight pets
goodnight dad
goodnight lover
you were all i had

You promised me forever, forever you were mine.
As long as long as the stars would shine.
How was I supposed to know forever could burn out so soon.

i hope he loves you the way i never could

You have my heart, but you aren’t here.
She has my body, because you aren’t here.

Give me a reason not to love you.
Give me a reason to not love the way your eyes sparkle on a sunny day.
The way your hair drifts in the breeze.
The way the corners of your mouth start to curve at the start of a stupid pun.
How i feel at rest when listening to your breathing.
How your nose wrinkles as that laugh of yours passes through my very soul.
I never thought i could fall for a shooting star.
Give me a reason not to love you.

You turned your back on me while i had my chest exposed to you,
how was i supposed to know you had been craving a different kind of drug?
you were pure hard drugs everyone else is a substitute,
i can still feel you in my veins
i am addicted,
you are heroine,
they are suboxone,
you are an american spirit,
they're a nicotine patch,
you are moonshine,
they're a non-alcoholic beer,
you are the way the sun warms the grass on a summer day,
they are a wooden stove,
you are a freshly baked cookie,
they are a day old discount pastry,
you are an angel dipped in gold,
they are a ****** statue spray painted black,
nothing on this earth could amount to the sight of your smiling face and wrinkled nose,
trying to describe you with words in a poem is an insult to you,
nothing could ever accurately depict the heavenly being that you are,
but, oh God, i'll try although it falls upon deaf ears.

The bile that fills my stomach from words left unspoken is threatening to come pouring out of my mouth with words lathered in blood

my god is in a four hour long phone call
my god is in my lovers laugh
my god is the smoke drifting out the window
my god is stolen kisses
my god is a dull pocket knife
my god is passing out in my clothes
my god is love letters
my god is sunken eyes
my god is stealing from the liquor cabinet
my god is a ripped pair of blue jeans
my god is sneaking out at night
my god is making out in the park
my god is heartbreak
my god is listening to music too loud
my god is walking on the edge of a cliff
my god is a cold beer
my god is a pack of cigarettes
my god is a broken mirror
my god is a blood soaked towel
my god is dreaming of them
my god is waking up in a sweat
my god is teardrops on your pillow
my god is burnt flesh
my god is broken knuckles
my god is blood in the sink
my god is broken glass
my god is unanswered prayers
my god is unanswered texts
my god is a rifle
my god is a bullet
my god is darkness

What do you do when you lover leaves you
some drink
some smoke
some cry
and some croak
well me, i just kept on livin
i slept
i prayed
i worked out
and got laid
or at least thats what id like to tell him
in truth i spent weeks in bed
couldnt get out of my own **** head
laying there smoking my ****
when it was really him that i need
living without him was living without direction
nothing would help, no fresh air or self medication
seemed like the end for me after a bottle of jack and a handful of pills
i wasn't staring down the barrel just for cheap thrills
after all this suffering agony and pain
it was still memories of him that plagued my brain
ive got no answers to soothe the pain
nothing will help
no ****, no *****, not even *******
i promised him so much but from the blade i couldnt refrain

You wouldn't have slowly drifted away
If you truly had meant all the promises you made

I am not a poet
I am not an eloquent man with a pen in my hand letting it dance along the pages in a captivating dance
It is a stop and go, stumbling and tripping over feet out of beat awkward hobble
I am not a creative person spilling my soul onto the pages like blood from a stab wound
I am a scab that keeps getting reopened small bursts of blood and healing and bleeding all over again
I am not in touch with my inner self i can't tell you how im feeling right now
i am a smooth hard rock weathered from years of wear
i am not a poet, i am a child writing stories

long as theres blood running through these veins
long as there's a pulse
long as theres breath in my chest
ill never give up
ill fight tooth and nail
as long as i am alive i will never give up
they always said boys like us was stubborn
always taking the hardest route
but always gettin what we wanted
we start where we are
use what we got
and do what we can
thats our mantra
and ain't nothing get in our way that we cant fight our way through

Pluck the beating heart from my chest
Take my dignity, yeah, the rest
Take my soul and all my morals
tear my flesh from the bone
for my sins, i'll atone
take my eyes my ears my tongue
give me lashings give me stones
break every last one of my ******* bones
take my whisky take my nicotine
take my honor take my loyalty
break me hurt me torture me
but please dear God
Don't take him.

everytime i see a german shepard i see you
evertime i hear scripture i hear you
everytime i smell **** i smell you
everytime i touch a keyboard i feel you
everytime i taste hot cocoa i taste you
everytime i feel love i feel you
how am i supposed to forget you when you are in everything i do?

thank you for  breaking my heart into pieces, you taught me how to put myself back together.
thank you for not loving me, you taught me to love myself.
thank you for leaving me, you taught me how to find myself.

just call me, just once more, let me hear your voice and the way your haughty breathing drifts over the speaker. Please let me listen to you, let me listen to you, let me listen. Please tell me all the answers ive been begging for tell me how it all makes sense. Tell me what happened, tell me what you did, why you did it, tell me how you could have done it.

The glass bottle feels better against my lips
than you ever did

This is the poem I never gave you, I always promised I'd write you one but you left before I could. I could write about the way your freckles dotted upon your cheeks and nose were as numerous as the constellations, or how your wavy black hair was as captivating as the darkness of the black night sky. However, you are unlike the constellations, you are like the ocean, vast and deep but so close to us, yet vastly unexplored. Did you know we have explored more of the moon than we have of our own ocean? You resemble the ocean in that way, everyone always looks to the stars and revels in their beauty but overlook our very own deepness. You are like the ocean, you slipped through my hands like the ever-changing tide softly rocking against the beach. To bathe in your calming waters once again would quench my love for water for eternity.

my father was a drunk
mother was a *****
dad spent his paycheck on *****
so we were always poor
drinkings what he chooses
going to school with bruises
no friends to talk to
zipper always askew
although they stared
no one cared
until the boy with the charming eyes
the one who told such pretty lies
but i didnt mind
he was ever so kind
finding ways to make me smile
but of course he left after a while
but who could blame him?
i am just a broken kid full of sin
he was an angel
and all i do is make things painful

sparking up a joint i look out at the field where i spent my summers as a child
the fence where i tore my hand on the barbed wire
the greenhouse with the window
still broken from the baseball thrown a little too hard
it all seems so far away
as if it were from another life
and in a way
it is
no longer am i a child
awaiting recess and nap time
now i await my nightly smoke and another day of being heartbroke

Pretty boy's gone
Since yesterday,
done with flirtin and acting gay
Bad Boy's back with the cigarette lighter and the twenty sack of **** to get a little higher
Ever since they went away, well
pretty boy's been full of dismay
heartbroken and lonesome he roams the town
looking for some ***** in which he'll drown,
broken and beaten
mean and old
on the street is where he sold
his pills and ****
his cid and lean
oh Pretty boy, sure got mean.
All the pretty girls tried to fix him
But he never could forget about the one that tricked him.
the one who stomped on his heart like a cigarette ****
extinguishing the warmth within him
like a punch to the gut
his eyes, once warm and inviting
are cold and dark
full of thunder and a spark of lightning

Difficult.
You said i crave difficult
You said you were "difficult"
If difficult is not wanting to die
If difficult is loving myself
If difficult is happiness
If difficult is feeling butterflies in my gut
If difficult is having a future
If difficult is a german shepherd
If difficult is shared cigarettes
If difficult is soft whispers
If difficult is a reason to wake up
If difficult is a busy small apartment
If difficult is holding each other
If difficult is hours upon hours of plans
If difficult is feeling complete for once
If difficult is laughing and smiling
If difficult is a loving embrace
If difficult is a rebellious fire
If difficult is puppy kisses and tight grips
If difficult is pancakes
If difficult is an angel, you
If difficult is the love of my life
If difficult is the stars in the sky
If difficult is love letters
If difficult is puppy kisses
If difficult is sleeping soundly
If difficult is a reassuring hand
If difficult is peace
If difficult is too many blankets on the bed
If difficult is an open heart
If difficult is being yours
If difficult is us?
You're ******* right I want difficult.
Ad astra per aspera.

It hurts

You said you didn't like change

I told you change was good

I guess you've changed your mind

You like change now

not even her with the candy coated lips and the spark from her fingertips
could take my mind off you
not her with the lungs full of smoke
as she takes another ****
could take my mind off you
not her with the plastered on frown
and the "dark black" crown
could take my mind off you
not her with the shiny blade
and the chrome handle
could take my mind off you
not her with the orange filter
and the smooth draw
could take my mind off you
only her with the sensitive trigger
and the steel barrel
could take my mind off you
and away from me

I'll love you in any form you take.

An anarchist with a molotov
A Jewish kid exclaiming mozel tov

A child with light up shoes
A teenage boy with anger issues

A girl with barrettes in her hair
A young man full of hot air

A beautiful boy trapped in his own mind

The most amazing man who's ever so kind

An awestruck angel full of surprises

And a puppy of all different sizes

this site and writing poetry was a great outlet so that i didnt **** myself, and it helped me to figure out who i am and what i wanted in my life. i genuinely think that writing poetry saved my life. that being said i dont need it anymore, hopefully i never have to come back to writing poetry, because if i do it means that i am doing bad again.

You said to write you poetry, and that you'd be mine.
Looks like someone beat me to it.

I wish i sent you that letter
I wish i bought you that ticket
I wish i told you i loved you more
I wish i could see you again
I wish you could still be mine
I hope you know ill always be yours
I wish that you were here
I wish i could do something
I wish i could listen to your voice
I wish i could hold you tight
I wish i could hear you laugh

When I was young, home was a place
Now, Home is a heart
Everything was simpler,
When I was young,
I used to drink hot cocoa for the warmth,
Now its the whisky that burns my throat,
When I was young my idea of fun was climbing,
Now, it's falling,
When I was young, I thought love and happiness were the same,
I know now that they aren't,
When I was young, I wanted things that were bad for me,
Now I need them.

The way his words cascaded down upon me like a never ending waterfall of wisdom and love
I was unable to quench my thirst
His arms reaching out in a loving embrace enveloping me in warmth
There was no place id rather be
His eyes deep and dark seemingly endless in their striking beauty
I could get lost in them
His lips, dear lord, his lips
Electricity coursing throughout my veins from head to toe when our stardust collided in a world shattering show of true beauty.
Gabriel.

I will always be in love with you
You are my only one
Like Icarus to the sun
I got ahead of myself and was consumed
My love has been engulfed in flames
a multitude of things are to blame
a lack of communication
being on separate sides of the nation
broken pieces trying to fit together
although my heart is light as a feather
it feels as though my chest consists of lead

dont get sad get angry
dad beats you?
get angry
best friend commits suicide?
get angry
love of your life leaves you?
get angry

Make me your masterpiece,
sculpt me and contort me into the man you need,
give me your chisel, ill do it myself

you told me to forget you
how the **** am i supposed to forget the late nights and early mornings spent talking about our future
the crowded apartment and loving arms
days at the beach and nights on the roof
daydreams of playing with your hair
holding your hand
stroking your cheeks
kissing your lips
falling asleep in a tangle of arms and legs
loving each other unconditionally
as long as blood runs through my veins
ill never forget
as long as my lungs take in air
ill never forget
as long as my heart beats
ill never forget
as long as im alive
ill never forget
forever and a day

You were young, barely 16.
****** into a world of hate and pain.
You were sensitive and fragile.
Too soft for this world.
You took your life in front of the room we shared our favorite class.
The cops said you did it the night before.
I cant get the image of your cold body hanging from the gutter out of my mind.
Why did you do it?
Were you scared?
Were you sad?
Were you bullied?
The cops said the only two things you had on you were your rubix cube, and the signed ticket to the play we saw together.
You were always playing with that **** rubix cube, showing it off and messing around.
I won’t be able to look at one ever the same.
I still have the picture i took of you with the cast members.
The smile from ear to ear as you went through and showed me each signature and told me who they played in it.
Every day i see something that reminds me of you.
Should i follow in your footsteps?
Today marks a week since you took your own life.
Im full of sadness, guilt and anger.
How do i move on from this.

Was it she who took you from me?
She who filled your mind with falsities?
She who painted me with blacks and red, when you knew in your heart that we were yellows and blues?
She never did like me, but I can't tell you how much it hurts that she would get through to you this much.
My life was planned around you and i'm not so sure that i can draft more plans.
A bottle of whiskey and a handgun are much cheaper than a flight, but I was willing to buy that flight.
She is unbelievably good at telling you how to feel, I just wish you knew how to tell yourself.
Will I see you in heaven?
You were always my angel.
And I, your god.
I thought I could make my own heaven down here with you.
You crafted me a Hell, not one with fire and demons.
One with lies and heartbreak.
One of sleepless nights and sunken eyes.
One of empty stomachs and full minds.

I will always be in love with you
You are my only one
Like Icarus to the sun
I got ahead of myself and got burned
My love has been engulfed in flames
Thinking, but not with my brain