you and i
we'll move on
and forget all of this.

and maybe we'll even
find whatever it was that
we were looking for elsewhere.

and perhaps
we'll understand
why it ended the way it did.

but what we had
was precious and it'll
always exist somewhere.

in dying leaves and
the silences we shared
and maybe, the moon too.

"I love you,"

I said.

He replied,

"Good night."

That night

I knew

what love was for me

was a dream to him

I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does

I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
Covered me

I wish.

But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in

But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.

But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie

That is to much to bear.

I have a question.

?.

When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?

Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.

Daughter.
It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.

Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.

-Xoxo

Inadequate
That's how I feel around them all
Mere and inadequate
They shine
I can see the flames burning in their hearts
But when I look to myself I find nothing
Only embers burning in the ashes of what once was
My pride shrinks
And confidence dwindles
Unless I'm a Phoenix
My end may come soon
I'll be alone
Like I was upon the beginning of my journey
Will I burn out so soon?

A new beginning,
A comparable ending
It is the same poem
I keep writing.

The message differs
The titles adjust
One more figure of speech
For picking up a broken piece.

Elusive alterations
Editing the outcome
A plethora of versions
For my book of poems.

Another round,
Back to square one
Are there any words left
This heart has not said.