at 4:14 am
im still wide awake
imagining your body on top of mine
your large hands running down my fragile, tiny body,
claiming everything you brush as "yours".
at 4:20 am im still awake,
imagining myself on all fours,
your hand grasping my hair,
pulling it into that tight ponytail i wear during the day,
while you're telling me about how you could never resist me,baby. your words alone leaving me drenched and ready for you.
it's 4:30 am, and texting you:
"are you awake?"
she dresses down during the day,
a pair of swearpants and an oversized flannel,
her soft, curly locks bouncing in a high ponytail.
she's seen as the class hippie, an activist and a seemingly air headed girl.
but what people don't know, is that
this girl is the top of her class.
she's a ditsy, fun girl
and a baby in lace for her lover
I don’t sleep.
At least, not anymore.
I stay up late thinking about what I could’ve been.
In the space between, I wander the halls,
Trace the plaster walls.
I know they want to sedate me.
But I need to stay awake.
You could be here.
You could be anywhere.
If I never ran out of skin
Would you be the one?
Would you hold me until I broke in two?
Would you twist my body three beautiful times?
Or would you run away from my scars?
I won’t waste salt on you if you left.
In my old life, I knew unknown women who wanted to be homes
Let men wander in their big brown eyes
But doors never lead to where they were mapped to go
And the men, like those in my blood will always come home late at night
And lie to the women they loved
People used to say I was destined to rule the world
But sharp objects sign songs only I’ve heard
And you don’t get to know what’s behind the pain
I always checked for monsters under my bed when I was a child.
But little did I know
That the monster was inside of me.
I stare at his forehead until my eyes start to see colors and the television up ahead casts shadows on the wall.
It's 1:54 AM and I'm laying next to the most amazing young man, and all I can think about is how wrong I am for him.
I know this. His family knows this.
But what's even scarier is that he knows this.
Don't be scared, Love;
Show me your scars.
Give me a piece of your soul,
And maybe a glimpse of your mind.
I could show you beauty,
Without a field of flowers.
And an amazing high,
Without the foul aftertaste.
Just let me in,
Let me feel your pain.
I'll touch your soul,
And make you go insane.
i promised you i wouldn't be the same, that i wouldn't hurt you again,
that i wouldn't drag you by the same leash i'd done for weeks before.
if only i'd known
how to get in touch with my true feelings.
im so weak, so insecure, so jealous, but for what?
you promised me there was no one else. you promised me you wouldn't leave.
you said to me, your heart yearned for me.
yet i still dragged you by the same leash, over concrete and through dirt,
through hell and back.
i watched you suffer, bruised and bloody knees, only stopping when you tried to break free.
i should've known you'd break free.
i should've known my pathetic ways would cause you to leave me crying in my room for hours straight, repeating the same questions in my corrupt mind.
how could i have been so stupid ?
why am i so insecure?
why am i so selfish?
i've learned my lesson now.
i can only apologize now, i can only wish you the best.
i can only hope the next person you meet doesn't hold onto you by a leash.
if you ever think of me, know that im so sorry.