now when I think of love I want to puke,
the thought literally makes me sick to my stomach because I know now what it does to a person

how you lose yourself in someone else and then all of sudden you can't breathe anymore without them

I am promising myself to never be that stretched again,
to give myself a try for once, relying only on my intuition and will to power through life and relationships, never getting too blind to see things as they really are

I wanna know what it's like to be so good alone that the earth shatters when I take a step,
electricity radiates from my skin and my soul is so loud it shouts through my eyes

Finding a lover is effortless
for some people.
They only want a few things:
Someone attractive, kind,
funny or rich.

But
I desire
something so much deeper.

I want

an intelligent mind
that wakes up thoughts in me
I didn't realize were hibernating.

I want

to converse, analyze and debate
without being conscious of
the sun rising and falling
between our words.

I want

to make a witty remark
at a coffee shop
so he can reply sarcastically
just for me to jab back immediately
and for him to comeback back playfully
until we're both laughing
stomachs shaking
spit flying
the whole store staring
and we leave
without coffee

I want

our hands to stitch together
perfectly
like two lost puzzle pieces;
one found under a couch cushion
one found inside a junk drawer.
The rest of the puzzle has
already been thrown away
but
these two pieces remain
and they fit.

I want

to fall in love together
then together fall in love with
art, museums, songs, poems
T.V shows, radio jingles,
greek food, backroads,
our mutual hatred for pop culture,
doing the dishes (as long as he washes and I dry)
wrong turns, piled up laundry, life.
Just fall in love with life.

I want

to hurt with him

I want

to save the world with him

I want

to meet, see, understand
and experience all that is foreign
with him.

I think it will only take us meeting
and it'll only be history and happiness from then on.

It's just a matter of if a love like that could ever be
and if a love like that could ever be for me.

take away the razor blade
and bury it with your old
self

take the blue hair
and drench it in
black

laugh
free, finally
free from your old prison

of skin, i am here
and you have nothing to
fear

if there isn't a chance of heaven
you claw your way up to the pearly gates
and you'll slap the saints and tell them

i never believed, and then
they'll let you in
they always let you in in the end

sing your songs
dance wherever you need to dance to feel
anything

with me, we will no longer be numb,
tongues dry, mouths dumb
in wonder at this amazing world

one day, you will be happy,
not in the body you were born with
but the body you created for yourself

i care
i care
*i care

somewhere over the rainbow
what does it mean?
is there a *** of treasure at the end
for all to glean?

doubtless
it arcs on and on forever more
like life chasing the unobtainable
but fun to try and explore

somewhere over the rainbow
what a silly little lie
we all live under the rainbow
and should learn to appreciate the sky

I always lived in the moment, got lost in it.
 I didn’t think of the future,
 I got lost in your eyes.
Hypnotized by them,
By your voice, your laugh,
 Now you’re gone because “it wasn’t going anywhere.”
 I cried for days, for nights.
 The sight of you brings an ache to my heart.
 I was truly lost in this world
 And trapped inside my dangerous thoughts
 That you always made me forget.
 Now I can’t stop thinking.
 Your smile that warmed my heart.
 Your laugh that made me feel alive.
 Your light brown eyes
 That sometimes magically changed color.
 Their happiness.
 Thinking of how happy you are with her.
 At least that’s what I’m told.
How you don’t know
 The pain I feel for you.
How you don’t care if I see the light.
Thinking of how you don’t care.
 Thinking of the memories you threw away
 And how I picked them out of the trash,
 Too afraid to let them go.

Did I ever tell you
Why I stopped drinking?
Why I am so terrified
To take a sip alone?
How that one time after class
My heart was broken
And I skipped the glass
And drank straight from the bottle?
How I crumbled into a ball
Under my favorite blanket
My mind screaming through the halls
Fighting off the demons trying to drown me?
Of course I always want to die
That's something I've learned to live with
But never before in my life
Had I known that I could give in.
Yet there I lay crying
Wasted with a racing mind
Begging to give in to dying
But instead I went to sleep.
So when my depression intensifies
And I run to my substances
I am so terrified
So alcohol is the last option.
Because it could be my last decision.