I'm crying inside,
Are tears meant to be this salty,
That you float so easily on it?
As if it's common
Not to sink in ocean.
And I am scared of sharks.

I run away from chaos-
Lock myself in the tiny bathroom.
I make sure he is fast asleep
Before I hide in my safe zone.
In this small space, I feel a mansion.
I weep gently remembering the horrors I have been through that noone knows yet,
I weep gently until peace dawns within me
And comforts my soul saying everything will be ok..
I make promises to myself to never be small.
It's ironic I do this while I'm locked in a tiny space..
I won't let anyone tame me.
I am the queen of my own castle,
I can swell
I can shrink
But I shall never perish in vain.

I had gotten so used to self-hatred
That when he called me
"Beautiful"
I wondered why,
Why in the world
Would a bee leave
Roses, marigolds, sunflowers
And choose to be in the mud?
"Because YOU," he said,
"You are my lotus".

Every now & then
Sadness engulfs me -
Reminding me to let the demon in.
I was always scared of this demon
Because when it came,
It took the whole of me.
It would enslave me
Until the dawn -
And I would spend days restlessly,
And nights full of fear.

But now -
I believe I'm a bit more wiser.
I think I can befriend this demon -
I think I can silence it this time.
Not with wine, ***** or any spirits;
But with a big hug.
Yes, a big hug.
Next time it beckons at my door,
I will politely open it.
Instead of looking for a place to hide & resisting,
I will let it enter inside.
I will let it rest comfortably on my favorite couch
And let it speak.

I will even make green tea for the both of us,
And tell it to stay as long as it wishes.
I will give it space to hover in every corners of my mind.
I will allow it to cry,
I will hold it in my arms until it feels better
And once it finds peace and is ready to leave,
I will tell -
That my door shall always be open
And whenever it needs solace -
I shall make green tea,
And we shall sit on the couch together.

And when it leaves-
I shall smile at the wonder
Of how giant this demon I thought it was,
But it is only a child!

I woke up
Feeling anxious
Wondering if the demons
That haunted me the night before
Are still around.
They never show up during the day,
But when I'm back in my room
They mess inside my head
They know I'm a fighter
I won't cry for help
They push me into a deep storm
Yet I stay brave enough not to sway.
Sleep is far from consciousness
I am helpless, but not broken.
As the poison of red wine
Sinks in my blood
I slowly get past the demons
And follow the clouds like cotton candies
I am finally dreaming
I am finally sleeping.

He is the midnight thoughts
I shy away to write about -
Secretly terrifying me
With emotions I can't yet identify...

He is the poem
I've been longing to write -
Secretly inspiring me
To destroy everything that once made sense.

He is the calm disguise
I can't ignore -
Bringing hurricanes, butterflies, rain & sunshine
All at the same time

I take a deep breath in,
Hold it for few seconds
And let it go.
The sun rises,
Day dawns
And the day goes.
My thoughts expand,
Emotions arise-
And just like each breath and each day,
I let go of each thought.

I do not need to hold on to a breath;
I do not need to hold on to a day;
I do not need to hold on to a thought.

I can live one day at a time,
One hour at a time,
One second at a time,
Moment by moment by moment.

I take a deep breath in,
Hold it for few seconds
And gently let it go...

I can only write
When
my wine
is too strong
And feelings
too low.

Bukowski is right;
Poetry is what happens
when nothing else can.

I gave you so much
I have nothing left to give myself.
I miss that person you were
In my phone
When we were miles apart
That person who always made sure
I slept well
That person who needed me
I hate how we are drifting away
Even though you are right next to me
Sometimes I wish I could call that person
And lay on my bed next to my phone

You are with me, but I still miss you.

I shower alone.
The water I waste
The dreams that drain
The body I crave -
All swirl down
In foam & bubbles...
I.
Shower.
Alone.

Sadness engulfs
Even the most self preserved part of me.
That which had been sacred
Is now haunted.
I doubt if there is such a thing
As together-forever..
You have come in my life.
But I've seen too many tragedies,
That I sometimes doubt on our own magic.

I am a nudist at heart
Seeking for spiritual freedom -
Masked by social restrictions
Coffined in a jar of expectations
Buried under the dust of norms.

I wish
my fingers
were his.
I don't think
about him,
my fingers do -
Touching me in places
I wish
only he did.

I do not remember you
All the time.
But when I do,
It's when I lay bare on my bed
Twisting and turning to fall asleep.
It's also when I abruptly wake up
And feel the empty space next to me.
But mostly, it's when the emptiness
Spreads within me during each heart beat.

If God exists, please God, save me-
From the unknown that I am falling into,
The unknown black hole, that has ****** in
All my happiness
All my hope..
To the point of no return,
My love must be an owl,
Hooting hopelessly, in this dark
Wishing, lost in what ifs and buts
I wish the elephant in the room
Wasn't so invisible.
I wish I could let go
Of pain, and suffering..
But words are all I have that bleed,
No tears can console as much as poetry,
So I write endlessly,
Hoping someday, I would heal.
Someday, I might just feel fine.

At times,
I become so lonely,
I start having conversations
With my loneliness.
We drink together
And drown together -
Sometimes in *****,
Sometimes in tears.
            - - -

One can of beer
And 4 shots of tequila
Was all it took
For me to realize
How loyal my pillow has been
Soaking in all my tears
All these years,
And still helping me
Sleep peacefully.

Those supernova eyes,
Outshine the galaxy in her freckles.
Her busts like mountains,
And curves like a river..
Hair radiating like sunrays,
Thighs like smooth iceberg..
Within her divine body, melts my universe.

Tonight -
it's just me
and my cat
laying
on the same bed,
not caring
about each other
and i'm glad, at least -
it's not another
human
who is ignoring me
on the same bed

To the poet
Who writes for her -
Your words deceive me
Then destroy me with an endless longing.
I wish I was her,
For she inspires you
The way I only wish I could.
You write to love her
I write because I'm selfish.
Because it's the only way for my self-preservation,
Because if I don't hold a pen
I would hold a blade.
You write to impress her
I write to express my helplessness.
Your poems liberate you,
Mine suffocate me even more-
Pushing me deeper into the longing...
Forcing me to question -
How the heck have I been enduring
All this within me, without you?

I wonder if you cleaned away
The stains of my palm on your bedroom wall.
I wonder if you finally bought the King size bed
That you always wanted to get for us.
I wonder how you have been sleeping
After I left and broke your heart.
What did you do with our pictures
That I gifted you on our first Valentine's Day?
I had put so much time to make it
And I was so touched when you cried to see it.
How are you?
Are you okay?
Is work keeping you busy?
I am so sorry I let our love go to waste.
I am so sorry I couldn't love you like you needed.
Do I want to be with you?
No.
Do I miss you?
Yes.
I miss you badly.

I let the day go by
Nobody knows me
I lay here still,
The world is moving
The stars are so high
The ground too low
And I am somewhere
In between
I have so much space
And too little time
Here, I am -
But what is mine?

Take me to an uncertain darkness
Raise me up to the highest reality
Then drop me aloof into the thrill
Destroy who I was before you
Taint who I will be without you
Stay mad like a dominant beast
Keep me bewildered and hungry
Break all the fragile that is left within
Replace the smell of leather
With the only truth I need to know.

My feelings-
Pickled in a jar of tears
     Fermented with salt and melancholy
     Soaked in ***** syrup
     Aged with pests of bleakness

My feelings-
Like a message sealed in an envelope
     Without a return ticket
     Addressed to no one
     Lost in transit

My feelings –
Insecure and deluded
     Pouring in a baseless abyss
     Probing for a ground
     Weeping in defeat

I'm still an empty canvas,
Made up of materials
Sewed up together by self-doubts
And degrading affirmations.

I hope when you see me,
You see beyond what I am,
And feel what I am longing to feel-
I'm only waiting to be painted in colors.

My life has been too gray and black...
But I'm neat,
I have managed to paint all white over the grays and black.
If you paint your colors,
I will know what I've been missing.

I dream of a little home
Where each brick in that home is built with love
Our bedroom would be on the East side
So that the first sunrays of each morning would caress our face and wake us up
Our little home would have a huge backyard
Where I would grow a vegetable garden
The front yard would have a little fountain and a bird house.
I would also plant white rose, yellow marygold and pink lily
Our love would blossom each day like these flowers.
Our living room window would have a
mounted cat bed
Our lazy cat would curl between us when we watch movies sitting on the couch

I dream of a simple life,
Where you and me
Fill ourselves with love and support.
We would hold each other's back, and grow with eachother
Every morning would be a beautiful morning because you would be the first one I would see
And every night would be blissful, because I can sleep on your chest.

This is all I dream,
A dream for you and me.

I am certain
Your body, in all its beauty and forms, precedes time.
It's like an infinite geometrical symphony,
A mystical existence in space-
Enlighting the essence to my being.
I want it in all parts,
I want it whole.
Engulf me in all curves and edges,
Tour me in my favorite places.
Your body, satisfyingly disturbing, both pure and dark
I know not, which is sadder-
The fact that I have fallen deeply into this chaos,
Or that you are completely unaware.

I am not somebody
You can take for granted.
You must have mistaken me
For someone else.
'Cause I am not the kind
You brag of how much you made a difference
Coming into my life.
Baby, my life ain't something with you,
And my life is no different with you.
I don't need you to define me.
I am the King of my own world.
You ain't the light at the end of the tunnel.
You ain't Jesus.
So, stop playing God.
And stop acting like how important you are to me in front of my sister,
Stop acting like you care in front of your friends.
You ain't that special.
I've lived my life without you,
Just like I can still live my life without you.
You ain't no ruby, you ain't no diamond.
Stop pretending like you care.
I told you that I Love You,
But, it just ain't fair
That you take my love for granted.
I can leave this drama any time I want,
You must have mistaken me for somebody else,
Well, I ain't that easy.