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I take a deep breath in,
Hold it for few seconds
And let it go.
The sun rises,
Day dawns
And the day goes.
My thoughts expand,
Emotions arise-
And just like each breath and each day,
I let go of each thought.

I do not need to hold on to a breath;
I do not need to hold on to a day;
I do not need to hold on to a thought.

I can live one day at a time,
One hour at a time,
One second at a time,
Moment by moment by moment.

I take a deep breath in,
Hold it for few seconds
And gently let it go...
I'm still an empty canvas,
Made up of materials
Sewed up together by self-doubts
And degrading affirmations.

I hope when you see me,
You see beyond what I am,
And feel what I am longing to feel-
I'm only waiting to be painted in colors.

My life has been too gray and black...
But I'm neat,
I have managed to paint all white over the grays and black.
If you paint your colors,
I will know what I've been missing.
Every now & then
Sadness engulfs me -
Reminding me to let the demon in.
I was always scared of this demon
Because when it came,
It took the whole of me.
It would enslave me
Until the dawn -
And I would spend days restlessly,
And nights full of fear.

But now -
I believe I'm a bit more wiser.
I think I can befriend this demon -
I think I can silence it this time.
Not with wine, ***** or any spirits;
But with a big hug.
Yes, a big hug.
Next time it beckons at my door,
I will politely open it.
Instead of looking for a place to hide & resisting,
I will let it enter inside.
I will let it rest comfortably on my favorite couch
And let it speak.

I will even make green tea for the both of us,
And tell it to stay as long as it wishes.
I will give it space to hover in every corners of my mind.
I will allow it to cry,
I will hold it in my arms until it feels better
And once it finds peace and is ready to leave,
I will tell -
That my door shall always be open
And whenever it needs solace -
I shall make green tea,
And we shall sit on the couch together.

And when it leaves-
I shall smile at the wonder
Of how giant this demon I thought it was,
But it is only a child!
One can of beer
And 4 shots of tequila
Was all it took
For me to realize
How loyal my pillow has been
Soaking in all my tears
All these years,
And still helping me
Sleep peacefully.
Sadness engulfs
Even the most self preserved part of me.
That which had been sacred
Is now haunted.
I doubt if there is such a thing
As together-forever..
You have come in my life.
But I've seen too many tragedies,
That I sometimes doubt on our own magic.
Maybe a month ago.
I would have thought about you.
& hoped all was well.
Well enough for me.
To be able to check in.
To a small motel.
That you hold close to your heart.
Which resides on the outskirts of your sleeve.
I mean after all.
We both know I can be classified as one.
An outsider that is.
Because its been much longer than a month.
Since I've been a nearby presence.
Or even a neighboring smile.
But more of a far-off memory.
That has been followed by absence.
& if it's anything like they say.
Absence somehow has a way.
Of making the heart grow fonder.
But that was a month ago.
..& my maybe was hypothetical.

Maybe yesterday.
I would have thought about you.
& found myself.
On the verge of saying hello.
Asking if everything was everything.
From school being school.
But it's something you love.
From your family being your family.
& they are everything you live for.
From work being work.
With it being something to just get you by.
Leaving love to be love.
Where you aren't looking.
But if it were to happen.
You wouldn't mind.
& I wouldn't mind that for you.
Because after everything.
That you've dealt with because of me.
& vice versa.
We both deserve that one day.
Just not from each other.
But that was yesterday.
..& my maybe was hypothetical.

Maybe tomorrow.
I will think about you.
& pray you think enough about me.
To send me a quick text.
Or a small email.
Where you tell me.
All the things.
I've thought of telling you.
Where you ask.
All the questions.
I find myself being to hesitate.
To ask you.
But there is nothing hesitate about you.
Your words are simple.
Your tone seems to be complex.
& I find that you are asking me a favor.
That I know I will have to commit.
No response.
No reaching out.
Just giving you time.
To think for yourself.
& find all the pieces that have become ajar.
But that is tomorrow.
..& my maybe is hypothetical.

Maybe a few years from now.
I will think about you.
& time will have healed.
Just like.
All the voices I hear around me.
Said it would.
& from there.
I can meet you for coffee.
Or maybe even tea.
Where we can show each other pictures.
Of the babies we went half on.
Without you or I.
Being the other half we thought we'd be.
You named your boy Hayden.
While I named my girl Riley.
Knowing those were the names.
We picked for ours.
But we aren't bothered.
Because we are happy.
We are loved.
We are where we are meant to be.
But that is a few years from now.
..& my maybe is hypothetical.

Maybe a month ago, I would’ve hoped.
Maybe yesterday, I would’ve said hello.
Maybe tomorrow, I will pray.
Maybe a few years from now, I will heal.
But today is today.
& you are under the same roof as me.
About thirty feet away.
Where you know I'm here as well.
So you wait until I'm watching.
To smile & laugh.
Make jokes & take phone calls.
& pretend you are just amazing.
Now that I'm not there.
Which makes me show no emotion.
Tell everyone I don't care.
Because if I say it long enough.
I'm bound to eventually believe it.
But what I do believe.
Is that today is a vicious cycle.
With no maybes.
..& nothing about it is hypothetical.
I run away from chaos-
Lock myself in the tiny bathroom.
I make sure he is fast asleep
Before I hide in my safe zone.
In this small space, I feel a mansion.
I weep gently remembering the horrors I have been through that noone knows yet,
I weep gently until peace dawns within me
And comforts my soul saying everything will be ok..
I make promises to myself to never be small.
It's ironic I do this while I'm locked in a tiny space..
I won't let anyone tame me.
I am the queen of my own castle,
I can swell
I can shrink
But I shall never perish in vain.
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