Why do we desire for the love that’s not ours?
For you belong to her.
And I belong to him.
Only to bind ourselves in between.

lately, it seems when you call you speak you mind,
motion to hang up before i can even consider mine.
do i exist simply as a gateway for you to speak?

my lover leaves me lonely,
my best friend soon to be alone on a plane
back home to me; tape him up in bubblewrap
beg him never to leave

so much time is spent in this room
isolated enough to warrant yellow paper
still, the textured white walls seem sentimental
they do not feel as big as the bed

it is so lonely without you, darling
but even when you are here,
it remains so empty
i reach for you in the night.

try as i may, even when you linger
you are so far, my darling,
too far to reach; too far to hold.

and i find you only see me once i turn away.
is it my eyes that alarm you, so full of emotion?
or do you want me just close enough for warmth,
but not close enough to listen to?

the broken furniture holds your motion,
still are the shadows that hold your shape,
and i cling to the pillow that isn't quite your length
but it will let me hold it; it will let me love

i picture you in the shower,
borrowing shampoo, speaking of coconut cream
and my dreams are only tinted memories
are you leaving me in the chill of the air conditioning?

perhaps i'll never know until you finally close the door;
the season has only just begun, my darling
there are so many half hours still to yearn for you;
i'll be quiet and laugh at your commentary until the credits roll

i'll quietly await the sudden goodbye.

I do not yearn for love.
Not romance, nor friendship.
I struggle in this passive isolation
yet I do not seem to yearn.

I am empty in that context.
Never feeling full, nor have I ever before.
I claw and cut and scream for simple peace
yet I seem to be punished with restlessness.

Maybe the peace is found within
regaining a sense of yearning.
Maybe the peace is only found within
the final ‘death’ do us part.

do you remember when we talked
about the capacity of our hearts
how it can be bigger
than our own bodies
capable of swallowing
entire galaxies
like a sun
exploding, burning
devouring everything
in its wake

when we wondered, desperately
where to keep all this love
inside of us
threatening to spill
everywhere
anywhere it could go
if it had a place to stay
and welcome it home

when we recounted histories
of loves lost and found
of foolishness and folly
of hearts breaking
with the magnitude of earthquakes
shattering into the debris
of our memories
only resurfacing if
they are dug up
with tender hands

when revelations were spoken
recognizing all the mistakes
naming all of the hurt
one by one
and saying,
"i've known you"
and it is beautiful
all of it, the whole of it
some sort of sobriety
after what feels like a lifetime
under the drunken influence
of our hearts

in another universe
there would be versions
of ourselves
who have chosen
to be content.
but here,
here
our hearts are bigger
than our bodies
and they can break
with the magnitude of earthquakes
and in our stubbornness
we will choose to hurt,
to ache, to yearn
and yet
we will always dive heart-first.

i fell for you in autumn, saw your gold soaked hair and presence everywhere,
the leaves turned crimson and honey,
the sun cascading through the woven branches,
i loved you in winter, cold days spent wrapped up in wool and cloth, bundles of scarves and shared umbrellas, icy winds nipping at our laced fingers,
i waited for you and spring, short eternities going by just so that i could see you again, breathe you in, hold you and feel home.