Coffee and a Klonopin,
I've been thinking hard
on just how long it's been
You--me, me and you
I pop another one in
and you say it's cool.
But I've been so cold,
baby
These things are my seeds
they let me grow, baby.
Nothing feels right.
Blame it on the pills,
I've been seeking thrills, baby
sitting with some
hennesy on the floor,
just to stop the chills, baby.

Pocket full of clacking around benzodiazepines
Xanax, Klonopin, and ******.
Am I late for class? Am I late for work?
Am I late for my own life? (truth)  
Is this really any normal kind of respite or relaxation?
Chemistry really has come a long way to introduce
us to induced relaxation(?) pills.
My Mr. Dr. says it should help with my anxiety,
but it only seems to cloud me in my depravity:
I steal, I lie, and I wake up naked in unknown
bedrooms in unknown cities with unknown
women. Who…did they steal my wallet?
And where the **** are my car keys?
Better yet, where in Allah’s name is my car?
OH! Lord Jesus Christ OH! God of the Jews I cry out,
Forgive me (lie) for I hath sinned.

I suddenly want to do every drug (truth)
ever made, you name it, I’ll try it,
just this once, of course. I don’t have an
addictive personality (lie)
The Dr. says it is OK if I take 4mg of Xanax a day (truth),
hence it must be safe (lie), right?  A Dr. can’t lie, can he?
Wait! Where am I again? And, what are we doing here?

Oh…that’s right, we are kids going nowhere (truth), how
silly of me to forget. If this is Prozac Nation,
then I am the ****** State. My governor is the late
William Burroughs (lie) and my deputy is the late Kurt Cobain (lie).
We are not in this for the fame (lie), a state run by the deceased.
So, how dare you point a finger at me in blame.
This is Drug Nation, America-home of the sedated and land of the overdose.

Do you know how bad you have hurt me? My heart is broken. I don't want you to come up in March. I don't want you to come up here because of the way you are acting. I do have a problem with Xanax, that is why Willie checks my meds. We tried to keep this from you. We didn't want you to know. I'm not taking them irregularly! Almost all bipolar people like myself end up in suicide. If you cut ties with me now, Drew, I can't tell you what's going to happen. I've stopped taking all my meds. Are you happy now?
•
•
•
All these thoughts run wildly through my head.
I feel as though I'm suffocating.
The world is weighing down on my shoulders,
causing me to sink into the ground.
I knew this would be hard,
but I never thought it would be this bad.

This was not my intention.
I did not want you to stop taking all your medication;
just the ones you're not taking properly.
I don't hate you and I'm not mad.
I'm just highly upset and worried about you.

I'm upset because I have seen the way you are without these pills.
You're a fun and loving mom without them.
Yet, we know how miserable everyone is when you're on them:
our family, friends, and your co-workers.

I'm worried because I cannot make you clean.
I cannot make your addiction go away.
You have to go through it on your own.
However, the methods you're trying don't seem to be working.
I'm worried that you won't admit to yourself that you have a problem,
and that you won't get the proper treatment.
I'm worried that I'm too late and there's no saving you.
Most of all, I'm worried I will have a dead mother.
A mother who died from the thing I hate most: medication.

I  hope you find this before it's too late.
I don't want to lose you.
I know we've had our disagreements and misunderstandings,
but that doesn't mean I care about you any less.
You mean a lot to me.
You're my mother and I love you.
Always

I'm not trying to cut ties with you.
I want to see you get better and back on the right track.
I want you to be the crazy fun mom I used to have;
not the mom who is completely dependant on pills.

I wish you the best of luck.
Hopefully, my decision to not come back until your better will give you the motivation you need.
Go seek professional help!
Just know I will always love you* and that I'm not mad.
I'm just hurt but overall I'm worried.

Get well soon.