For ****'s sake.

How did we end up here again?

The soothing, annoying word flickers on my blue-back lit screen and I am ****** back to the tumultuous moment when once upon a time it yelled bipolar.

And here we go again.

My thoughts flick, flit, floss between teeth made for biting and real meat. They need plaque, collection, to grow and accumulate mass to progress. But there my flicking thoughts go, flossing.

I've always struggled focusing, but I just got excitable, got manic, and it would solve everything. Mania was my monster, my red bull, and now that its sated and off to Wonderland...

I'm left here, face to face, with a twitchy white rabbit wondering why I would ever think to use my pretty little head when its such a good projectile into the sky.

I had always wondered, in those whispering nights, when my hands couldn't stop moving and my head wouldn't shut up, if something was wrong. But it was silly, I had two already, full of worry then full of poles. Couldn't be another, could it?

Of course, a Grace of Wonderland always knows best, and here we are. Another bottle to drink to keep me sane.

I wonder if my fingers will thank the capsules when I might stop biting them? Or my toes? Is this why my toes always twitch and dance, why they stand center-stage in so many of my mild fantasies? After all these years, the divas that my lower digits have become may not appreciate losing their star titles.

I just want to be fine. I want to figure out how to move beyond all the strange misfires in my head. How did I survive so long without a notice? Inflates my ego to know I should have been caught by now.

Guess just like the White Rabbit, despite my widgets and worries, no one can stop me from running when I'm madly, absolutely, refusing to be late.

Graces only knows to fight with fire and fists. Tis the state of my Wonderland, and perhaps now things will only get better.

You barged right in with not a care in the world
Of how deeply I'd fall and hit the ground
I knew I'd fell, for I hurt inside
But I could still be falling, there's no end in sight
Like Alice in a wonderland nothing seems quite right
Still I drink your potion readily and prepare to hold on tight
I catch you in my dream hoping you'll stay the entire night
My subconscious has a knowing, I'll be alone by morning light
Every time I get back up and dust myself down
You just steamroll right back through me, knocking me out
My palms left sweaty my mouth left dry
As I wonder if my feelings can lie
For here things aren't what they always appear
The pain of unknowing is my only fear
So, for now, your seas have calmed
And your storm has settled down
Left me cold and windswept
With droplets on my brow
I'll do what I must to do for now
For when night time falls again
I'll be back in my beautiful nightmare
Where you think of me now and then

when you feel like Alice
with no rabbit hole

take a look in a looking glass
and search for your soul.

You could stare and stare
with all your might,

But at the end of the look
There’s still no you in sight.