I’m so scared of what you’ll do to me.

I push you away at the start because I care.

I’m all cold fingers and neck as you inch closer.

I know that giving my heart over to your hands is delicate and dangerous;

I realise having it injured by you is more fatal than another, more blood loss,

more bruises, more painful blossoms.


I always want you nearer; no one can comfort as you can,

until you turn off the lights

for the night

and all I see are abandoned impressions of you around my room.

But I need to stop you. Right here.


I need to keep you an arms length apart from me;

stop you kissing and touching me.

Not because I don’t want you;

I will always reserve a place for you, always part of my dedication.

I want you all over, from head to feet.

But I need to stop myself from falling into the one abyss

I know too well.


I need to prevent you from loving me for a time,

or at all.

To keep you from breaking the blissful illusion I conjure;

to keep you from lying to me about why you can’t love me anymore.

To stop you from taking me over.


To stop you from making me believe you are like all the others before you,

inked and stabbed on my skin like knife cuts.


To keep me from imagining you were never there;

a dream that swirls with reality where it has no place.

To ensure you don’t start picking me apart with your teeth, while I sleep,

and you begin to fade.


I don’t want to meet the same river of conclusions, fussing and moaning and

screaming about the agony as you pull me apart one final time.

Take what you need and run.

Scoop it out like melting ice cream and disappear somewhere out of my reach yet

close enough to invade me again when you need to.


I don’t need to feel this again.

With you of all people.


So.

Stop.

This.

Now.

There is a stone cage
Built slowly, over years
Broken down again and again
Foul hands digging into its carcass
Rending, tearing, destroying
To get at the sweet nectar of my soul
Blood dripping from hands
I love you i'm sorry I love you
Walls laced with iron and steel
Less malleable, less breakable
Build and build and build
He says he wouldn't hurt me
Such savagery is beyond him
But I know his type
The ones with the blue eyes
And the soft lips and the warm hands
Inside they're cold cold cold
Getting close enough to kiss
Before the torture starts
My walls will not be molded
For him to climb over and into me
I'll bleed him first if it means
He is too tired to hold me
**for i will never be harmed again

The eyes are first to sparkle
To reveal boundless joy
The eyes shout euphoria from the very tops of every hill

The eyes are also first to glisten
Swimming in a salty pool
They blink and blink to hold them in but they won't always stay hidden

The eyes are the windows into the soul
They peer to see if it is broken
Or if it is still standing, resolutely strong and whole

The eyes can read a thousand lies
They peel back woven cloths
They offer a glimpse, a chance to check if anything is disguised

I keep my face turned away
My eyes fixed on something else
I keep my eyes averted just so I can avoid another's gaze

But when I do, when I hold
Your unwavering stare
Lightning bolts shoot through me, stirring deep and cold

A heightened awareness of every breath
Making sure to keep them steady
I keep up my end, never breaking, with all the courage I have left

Those eyes bore right into my being
A rawness fresh and apparent
Your eyes have now seen everything
I flinch, I sever the electric current