I was by myself. My heart was longing for a pulse other than my own but I wasn’t ready. I was afraid of the commitment... afraid that it would go wrong again that I would go wrong again. But my heart was yours as soon as I saw you. I adopted you and you adopted me. I used to have a dog, but he never really liked me. He only laid around- but never next to me. He ran away. I thought you were different though. So I put my trust in you. I took you home. I showed you where you would sleep and eat and how to curl into the bend of my legs when the rain would hit the window on a Saturday morning. I showed you to my friends but they said you were too protective of me. Like you owned me instead of the other way around. I brushed it off and told myself they were just jealous because they didn’t have a dog. They had always wanted a dog, after all.

We were perfect for each other. We played and you watched me laugh when you would do something funny. But then you would just watch as the tears streamed down my cheeks when you would upset me. I was mad at first, but you were just a dog. You didn’t mean it. So you’d sit there. Occasionally sniffing or scratching and I expected nothing and forgave you like it was my fault.

It got worse as the months went on. I tried to leave but you’d sit in front of the door looking at me. Your eyes quickly turned away from the puppy dog eyes I first fell into. You would bark so loud that it would echo off the couch and doors and then the stupid expression on my face every time I tried to walk away because I thought I could actually get away with it this time. But you hadn’t changed.

I hoped it was all bark but I knew when I pushed you too far the bite would come. Your distorted expression that was pierced by the stinging spit that spewed from between your lips shook me to the ground. I was then on your level, perfectly vulnerable for your teeth to sink into my arms and legs and face and torso and every part of my body that I though was mine... but it wasn’t. It was yours. I let you own me. I held on so tight to the leash that I thought I had on you I didn’t notice the one around my own throat that burned deeper into my veins that strained each time I strayed too far. I turned from my friends and my self and the life I thought I wanted so I could cater to your needs and so you’d stay with me and not run away like the others.

I would see friends and family and they’d always ask about the bruises and cuts and I’d just say “dog bite”. But they only responded with “well, you must have done something to make him bite?”

Batteries of the skies;
booming thunders, and so are you.
You, the whirlwind the most ferocious,
befit such name ever notorious—

    ever in a strife of your own
    seemingly unending.

The whirlwind strikes hard
and fast, and as such; angels of death
descending, striking from the faint heavens
to accomplish its sole purpose, destructive in nature,

beseeching its everlasting glory
that’d evoke the sun’s jealousy, even.
Alas! You carry out the task
that spares none of the land,

taking away the dearest one from another, weeping,
flipping cars and engines from where they're standing,
while plucking out the road signs once robust
and even the trees once deemed so ancient—

none is spared but wrecked
before the might of the whirlwind
the total annihilation being its sole identity—
the one that destroys in the name of thy honor

    and in the very name of glory in vain.
    You look around—

only to see none has survived
or has been left alive; spectating
the empty earth and the water
while being dispersed, scattered amidst the air,

lifted by the hands of thy maker
disappearing—joining the void specters,
and thus befitting the word, truly,
the vainglory.

Pick your head up darling, your crown's falling.
She'd say as she sucker punched me in the gut again.

God, your eyes shine brighter than the brightest stars in the whole ******* galaxy.
She say'd as she slapped me across the face for the eighth time that night.

Baby there's no one like you...

But baby I love you...

But baby everything is gonna okay..

I'm not your ******* baby.

I'm a girl that should be able to stand on her own.

I'm a kid with ****** up issues thinking the only form of love was a hand around my throat.

I'm not your baby anymore but baby....please love me.

Just one more time.

Count or stop to count
7, 6, 5… then silence.
Started from the one to countless

Fatally wounded, again inequitable ethnic
the trumpet sound of trauma
In a private car, but this was
not a public performance

7 bullets transmit the pride and prejudice
Police have millions of reasons to suspect,
but we criticize the moon—
tonight it’s dark as hell in a drawer.

Count or stop to count
5,6,7… then gun violence.
His truth is lazy
and infinite as broken glass.

You are in our prayers— we pray infinitely.
We would like to have
a brave trumpet show for ourselves—
Deep sorrow, tumultuous but informative.

Say it to me, baby,

that you want me—still—
after all that I've done to you,
and only.
    
I hear you breathing out hot
—lying flattened on the cold floor—
even after the hard bruisin'

you've gone through—swell, sure it was.

And I wrecked such havoc on you
all because I care for you,
nothing more, nothing less.

I beat you up swell
to get you in a better shape
just like a sculptor

beating his stone
into the shape of David—bare naked.
I'm modern Michelangelo, so to say,

and I want you
to whisper to me
that you crave me,

    that you desire still
    such tyranny of mine
    even more. So just say it,

for your perfection
and a sheer thrill that follows
—all these right at our hands—are so close.

    Wicked as it is,
    my whispering to you demands it.

solving your problems
by blowing them up, just means
you make them bigger

Holstered at high noon
Blistering with festered wounds
First of many moons

Fire raining down
Tap a vein of blood in the ground
Void of life and sound

Shelter for relief
Burn the place around my feet
Respite that I seek

Perish in my youth
Yellow candles light the room
Cultured yet uncouth

Painted red the town
Carnage glistens all around
Gone and left to drown

Woken by the cries
A place I still recognize
Dreams arrive to die

Atone and bleed the sin
An evil presence descends
Quell the rage within

I won't die in vain
Nefarious and insane
Poppies soothe the pain

Worn upon our sleeves
Phasing unpredictably
Nature of the beast

Tread lightly forward
Origin of vile scourge
Yet ventured onward

Grains of salt and sand
In reunion holding hands
Flee this barren land

Part I:

You broke me once,
and then twice,
and then three times,
But then I lost count.

I can remember sweet kisses you gave to me,
On swollen lips.
Tears that rolled down my purple cheek.
And the prayers I sent to God,
That went unanswered.

I remember the words "no" and "stop".
Feelings of no control.
I can still feel your warm breath,
Hovering over my exposed, naked body.

I can still remember that moment.
When I could feel everything.
Everywhere.
And it hurt.

Unbearable, excruciating pain.
It built walls to keep you out.
But you're still here.
In my head.
In my home.
In my bed.

Sometimes, I see your shadow,
Watching me get undressed.
Intruding my dreams as I sleep,
Torturing me endlessly.

Sometimes, I wake to your voice,
Telling me to love you,
And that you love me,
And you would never hurt me,
We are the perfect soulmates.
But, I still feel my spine cold on the floor,
Colored in black and blue,
And it loves you too.

I feel your sweaty body,
Draining all the life inside of me.
I used to dance and sing.
I used to laugh uncontrollably,
I used to be free.

My body is shattered,
Broken and battered.
Useless and unlovable.
Disgusting trash.

Part II:

Where is my body?
Where is my mind?

What am I missing?
What am I feeling?

Am I alive?

Why did you hurt me?
Gaslight and manipulate me?

I was a child.
You made me bleed.
I was inebriated.
You took advantage of me.
Buried me and everything I wanted to be.

Stop standing there.
Stop following me.
How ******* dare you?
Just leave me be.

I don't deserve this.
You shouldn't be here.
I need to leave.
Please don't follow me.

Part III:

I was bound to you by my silence
Even miles apart,
You silenced me once again,
When I needed to sing my truth.

So much excruciating pain.
I had to crawl out of that grave.
You screamed profanities in my brain.
And I still paved my way.

I sang my truth.
You ***** me.
You abused me.
And so did he.
And now I'm setting myself free.