you

and me
             waiting to see
you  
       smile

now seeing you
                          smile
and
       that’s enough

is my mood ring broken?
or did i forget what it felt like
to know you?

i often wonder if i've numbed to it all,
but maybe my heater just stopped working.

all the same, i've forgotten the sound
of my name on your lips,
the air passing through, like a parting kiss.

so why let it be spoken at all?

is my mood ring broken?

all i'm feeling is small.

My heart is in anarchy,
ungoverned by love.

It is from the outside of this world
that I can peer in, and see how the
arteries have become twisted, twisted
into a tangle of words
and scripture
meant to
oppress me.

Unwound, the words are scattered
like anagrams solved with the
humdrum thump of a heart.

There are rules that must be followed.
There are hearts that must be loved.

I walked into that room and saw you’re body lying there,
I barely recognized you; lacking life, muscle and hair.
I looked into your open eyes like I never did before,
and spoke looking at your face instead of averting gaze to floor.
If they asked me to identify or claim, I can’t say that I could,
I never truly knew you or felt the connection that I should.
You were given the curse of cancer,
but gifted the knowledge and time,
but did you ever even think that the answer
could be to reach out your hand to mine?
I had so much I never said,
maybe you had the same.
I’ll remain running the sentences in my head,
but never question if I should feel blame.
For a child to not know a parent is easy as night and day,
as much as I should’ve known you, you should’ve known me the same way.
Now my sister and I are the only ones here,
the only ones with your name and blood,
and it shouldn’t even be a question or fear
if we were ever truly loved.

Should of never let my fingers linger
But I can’t help myself
I let my words flow to you
You caught them one by one
Now I’m trapped in the world we created
I was in my head dreaming
With nightmares lingering
Afraid of loosing all of this
My mouth won’t move when you're near me
For these words that I script
They are only released through my fingertips
I desperately want to tell you everything
But I find myself only speaking to your reactions
And you’ll never hear what you really mean to me

Words never said
Only written down
Never seen by anyone
Never noticed
The smile on my face
It's only fake
My happy attitude only comes from force
Leave it to me
To see a tool
A box cutter
And only think about stealing the blade
Not for cutting a box though
Written words
Words unspoken
Silence is the loudest scream
Tell that to everyone else
Written words
Not on paper but skin
Written words
Not with ink but blood
Scars forming
Never to go away again

I did my best and you barely saw me
I did my worst and you disappeared
I noticed your best and worst
You noticed the random in betweens
With unspoken words being your specialty
That deceived me into staying
And I see where I overstayed but comfort drove me in again and again