Today I felt giddy when I woke up,
Got no strength to move,
Had little memory of what I did yesterday.

But,
I knew I needed to take a walk today,
The glorious Sun was scorching and blazing,
So brightly,
That it felt blinding,
My eyes, cringed.

As I walked,
And as the Sun shined,
I notice that every though I walked this road everyday,
The flowers were beautiful,
The grass green,
The spiders IS STILL creepy
But the path tells a story.

Hence,
I pondered in my dreamy mind,
The flowers were beautiful,
And grass green,
And the insects somewhat creepy.

The Good The Bad and The ugly.
It always equates to the "Three",
Yes, the flowers is beautiful,
Only because of the creepy crawlers around,
To make them so,
After all, they are the workers for the flowers, and grass,

The crawlers are around,
Only because there is environment for them to be in,
And that very place,
Like every other place,
Has The Good, The Bad, And the Ugly.

It is just Maths.

I concur.

I found myself hugging my closet this morning
I got up, walked over to her, stood in front of her and stuck my hands between some things hanging,
Put my cheek against the cold plastic of the hangers, and it felt right

Now this sounds strange
But something became quite clear to me when I felt like my closet was hugging back
It's not the things you wear, it's how you wear them
My closet loves me because I wear my clothes freely
I never wore them to please anyone else
That's why when he told me he wanted me to wear something else I said, "No."
Because my fashion is a part of me and it has been
Whether I was in the fourth grade, wearing my lily pad skort, pink Mary Janes and a neon green top
Or in college,
Unapologetically sporting my baggy white tee, ripped jeans, Birkenstocks and socks
I will not submit to you

My clothes love me back because I am not afraid
My closet hugs me back because she knows that I will never again let a man tell me
"That's ugly."
My fashion is my power.
Let it ring from every tower, you will not tell me what I can put on this body ever again
My body is my temple, and it was not built on your land so you can
Shove it

-E (c) 2017

Why do you choose
To starve yourself
When you have all that you can eat?
It’s the only way for me to
Change my appearance
And be accepted into
Society.

Why do you care
About society
Why is it so important
To fit in?
Because now,
Appearance is all that matters
You’re judged by whether
You’re fat or thin
Or the way you dress
Or by the acne on your skin.

Why do you believe all those
Mean comments
And hateful remarks
About your weight?
Because they’re true,
Of course
Even I can tell
The mirror shows it all!
And the number on the weighing scale
A different story it does not tell.

Why do you want to ‘change’
So badly
When you are beautiful
Just the way you are?
Because no one cares what’s
On the inside
You’re only worth whatever
they can see
and they see my flaws
they see all my weakness
how can I hide when
I’m the biggest?
They don’t notice
My light that shines inside
Behind their sunglasses
That shade their eyes
With their selective sight
They scrutinise me
Down to my
Smallest imperfections
My imperfections are the reason
they throw so much hate at me
I am the ugly duckling
In a bevy of swans
So all I can do
Is try to change
And pray for my
Fairy godmother to finally come
To end all my sadness
And pain

Why don’t you
Appreciate yourself
For who you are?
Because i hate myself
For my disgusting looks
My flabby arms
My muffin top
My thunder thighs
From head to toe
Is ugliness
My ugliness
The ugliness
I was cursed with
My ugliness will never leave me
They said
I will always be fat and hated
I was the one born like this
It's all my fault

Why do you choose to think so negatively?
You are imperfect, yes
But that makes you special
It makes you beautiful
So please don’t hate yourself so
Don’t listen to the haters
I know it’s hard
But you are strong
If you have lasted this long
You will hold on
Accept yourself
For who you are
Because I promise you,
You are not ugly.

i don't want to be pretty
not today

i don't want to put on
the makeup and put
up my hair i want to
shave the back of my
head with a dull razor
rip my eyebrows out
with my fingernails
and cry
ugly
tears

want to dump the coffee
i use to keep me alive all
over my cold skin and let
it burn me awake
want to clothe myself in
dried blood and *****
and sweat and screams
and everything else vile
in the world and tears
lots and lots
of hot
angry
hateful
tears

i don't want to be
needed don't want
to be loved i'd rather
be just another greasy
cog in part of an
industrial machine

do you know how exhausting
it is to be irreplaceable?

i don't want to be pretty
not today
just for now i'd like to be
hellfire in ripped jeans
a halfway house for
my own heart
a tornado of destruction
ripping through hopes
and gardens to make them
look as godforsaken
as i feel

i don't want to be pretty
not today
i want to be
ugly

When I die,
Do not talk about me
Like I am the most wonderful person
To have ever graced this Earth;

Instead, tell them I am mad.
How my ***** nails dug ugly scars
Within my dark, burning soul
Fed with rage uncontrolled.

Tell them I am selfish.
With an eye for love I have not
That my heart rejoices but in sorrow
Only coldness and loath would grow.

Tell them I am broken.
That these crevices that he left
In the regions of my heart
Will not ever heal completely again.

That I walked wide-eyed yet half-awake
Torn between the fantasy of his lips so sweet,
And the gleam of his pointed teeth.

Tell them all my sins.
My uglies.
My glories.
And only after that,
That then,

Maybe you can tell them I was beautiful.


©Leigh
Feb. 14, 2017

i wish my parents had
loved me enough
or just had enough
good sense

to put me on a diet when
i was nine years old

because now that i'm
older i can say with
certainty that i would
have rather grown up
thinner and slightly
worse for the wear

than grow up the
way i did
(fat)
and be the way i
am now
(fat)

because i ended up
distorted and
unhappy even though
they told me i was lovely

and i would rather
have had me miserable
and skinny rather than
miserable and fat

i only wish they had
told me the truth
instead of letting me
discover for myself

Can I ask you something?
Can I ask you about myself?
Can you tell me what you see when you look at me?
Can you see someone beautiful or ugly?
Can you look in between my skin and see the scars underneath?
Can you feel the pain I've felt?
Can you tell me I'm beautiful?
Can I tell you I'm afraid?
Can I?

Remember what we did, how we burned the city down to the ground. We got high and dived into the thrills as we caught and got swallowed up by the flames.

They didn't know... They didn't know they were living amongst creatures of the night, as the lights fade we became alive.

Remember the screams as I invited you in... The passion that fumes my soul and captured all that was embedded in you.

I was everything that was good, everything that was bad. I was in a world where surviving seemed hopeless...  I was hopeless.

I clawed my way through and through, reached the heights searching for you. You were the blood that ran through me... You were me.

I suffered in silence for years, they didn't stop to see if I was ok. I was rebellious, I was proud, so I made it my redemption... We burned the city down to the ground.

Not everyone deserved it... But we walk amongst the most deadliest souls of them all. I took my baggage and stroll to an unknown place... My body shivered when we stood face to face, I stood my ground I held my place...
Its either this or surrendering to the unseen and let it take me down.


S.B