he left me.
he hurt me.
he lied to me.
he made it hard for me to trust.
but,
i trust you.
i trust that
you won't leave me,
you will be kind to me,
you will be honest,
you are the best thing for me.

I haven’t seen you or talked to you,
for years.

I froze when I saw you.

You were the first
that I truly loved
that I cared for the most
that I appreciated the most
& valued.

You were the first
that gave me a taste  of
what loving someone,
what appreciating someone
& valuing someone felt like.

But in the end,
you were the one
that made me feel worthless,
invisible & never enough.

Maybe I’m giving you too much credit.
Maybe I was delusional this whole time.
Maybe you weren’t the first
But you were the one
who impacted me the most.

You taught me how to love & hate
at the same time.

he doesnt get it, how do i tell him i think about if hes talking to her specifically at least once a day, if not more, knowing full well he will in fact talk to her at least one of those days, and knowing that he will try to ignore the excitement but ultimately it would fill him and he will again wonder how far he can take it? i'm laying in his arms but hes not holding me, a star fish sleeper, the best time to confirm every voice screaming in my head is right, and theyre right, and i can feel the distance between us like a sickness in my veins, and he can feel it too but he wont open his eyes to the truth of why this distance keeps us at odds. i'm ******* tired. so is he. the difference is, i dont sleep.

he doesnt seem to get it
how every letter cuts too deep
the timestamps tell the story
his heart is on his sleeve
he reaches out in isolation
he fears one day i'll leave
while all the while it is he
pulling further away from me

Hands Cold.
Finally feel hard enough,
To protect my filtered soul.
Sins Told.
Surrounded by a little trust,
Enough to keep me sold.

The heatwaves pressed me down, sweating out my moral code.
The others watched or listened,
Breathing heavy but their judgement never showed.
Held on tight to warmth, let the thoughts pass as I rode.
Gripped so tight it burned,
Remembering the feeling and depth through the blankets I fold.

I see bright colors today,
Is it just me,What do you say?
I feel the sun rays touching my soul,
While the sun smiles so bright like gold.
It has been ages since I had a morning like this,
I have always wished for something just like this.

I don't want to be weak
Don't want to be unfair
Don't want to be confusing
To you or to me
I miss you
I want you in my life
Does it have to be this way
Is there a kinder more compassionate way
To stay open to eachother
To keep loving
To keep being there
Being brave enough to stay
And allow an unfolding
A deepening
To keep learning and growing
Relationships can take many forms
It doesn't have to be black and white
I don't believe it has to be all or nothing
I don't want that

I wish I could make contact
I don't want this
Trying to stay strong
To not crack and reach for you
To stay true to what we said
To dig into my motives
Question my intentions
For reaching out
Simply I miss you
I hate no contact - it makes me want it all the more
I don't want it to be like this
Can you hear me
Can you feel me

You fear you've lost,
Your love at last.
That your full heart,
has come to pass.
The time well spent,
Was not in vain.
The memories made,
Will now sustain.
Hearts will heal,
Mend and restore.
In God, at last,
Do not ignore.