never thought you'd be mine
here i am pulling on your strings
playing your melodies
while the texture plays me a memory

a lost boy running for his life
in the forest overrun
clones of himself can't escape
for he is his own greatest enemy

a boy with no features
no features of a boy
or what society deems
a boy with hairless skin
and effeminate lips
a boy with no regard to how high
the decibels of his voice was
a boy who ran on his feet while withering his chest
a boy who couldn't always take in deep breaths
a boy who chose how big or how small he wanted to show the world his ***** was
a boy who didn't exactly fit the narrative
a boy nonetheless

but is it now that i am a man?
is it now that when i touch the hair on my face, it makes me he?
is it the voice i desperately tried to craft? or is it my piece of clothing that binds the skin, and bone of my body?
is it my shoes and how they're bigger and longer? maybe it's my laugh and smile that gives it away.
maybe it's nothing at all.
and i'm deemed a man for a selfish binary who doesn't care about my traumatic experiences being hunted by my own mind.

she is blind to her crashing disaster.
she'll grant me with an immunity called privilege.
immunity from being recognized as a woman, and being treated as such by code.

but at least my ****** hair is tangible.

Hit me with your car
So i can pave my way
Into breaking down
What it means to exist
In a world so ruthless
I can't experience fragility

Verbally abuse me
So i can help you understand
You're not free from consequences
In a world that is blind
To teach what family is to friend

Touch my body without consent
So i can show you that you're a fool
For messing with a mind so divine
It can split up your body in twelve
In a world so quiet
You hear their screams

Pin me down and suffocate me
So i can finally escape this madness
With a reason to leave
In a world with no crime
But have you wiped your eyes

Make pretend i don't exist
So i can talk to the toys
They always listen to the words i said
When she didn't
In a world where you are failed
To be loved and felt accepted

Put a knife to my throat
So i can be defenseless
Over a music CD
Still haunts my memory
Like an iPod on repeat
In a world where power dynamics
matter more than being a child in front of a t.v.

When you meet a person the first instinct is to know their name,
A proper noun to represent them as a whole,
A name can define you,
And make you a person, not just a being.
So when people ask my name, why is it that I am so pained to admit it?
The name I was given at birth,
my dear loving parent had picked out so carefully from all the rest,
why must it hurt so much to admit?
Why can't I appreciate my name?
Why don't It feel like it is my name?

My name is dysphoria, you answer to me, you're weak, I can tell, so cry on your knees

"Such a pretty name" they say,
"It suits you so well" they say,
But it makes me sick to my stomach,
I just want to hurl those letters into oblivion,
A garbled mess from which I can reform who I am.
Reform my name.
And my father wonders why I wear thick jumpers in the summer,
My mother looks concerned when she sees my lack of breath,
From the construction of the 4 sports bras on my chest.
And from her lips slips that horrid name.
And it's like I can breathe even less.

My name is dysphoria, you answer to me, you're weak, I can tell, so beg in your knees

My aunt wonders why I cut my pretty hair,
My grandad thinks it's weird that I won't wear a dress,
I don't get why "God" is angry when clearly it's just them,
I thought he taught us to love each other?
Does this rule not apply to me?
"A loving daughter" yeah right;
Just you wait and see.

My name is dysphoria, you answer to me, disgusting, revolting, now spout me your plea.

My sister tries to be supportive but I can tell she doesn't get it,
My mother doesn't mention it,
My father hardly looks at me.
But they don't understand the joy I felt,
When I took that first injection.
My hormones set on fire,
My blood set a light,
And for once in my life-
My body started to feel right.

My name is dysphoria, you should answer to me, disgusting, revolting, a girl in boys clothing.

And yeah, my family might not use my new name,
But it's on my driver's license,
My passport,
My soul,
And finally I was excited to introduce myself to people.
Finally I was happy to exist,
I was happy to be me-
A boy at last.
With a real name: Rory.

music never left me alone
sound has never failed to make me feel
dynamics and bass never once left me
wavelengths rushing through a shallow canal
caused for greater clarity and prosperity
had i not had the vibrations rummaging through my ears
i ought of lost my mind
the reality is that i am alone
and noise protects my sanity
it keeps my mind full
to push aside mental antics
and keep myself stuffed of ideas
music never stopped my imagination
on the days i wanted to die
music kept me in a stagnant state
that allowed me to prevent harm
without the loving melodic voices
i would have stripped someones throat out
music gives me a soul
and a shoulder to lean on
when the demons come chasing after me

Is it weird?
Pink vison
Eyes sparkle
Wicked smile
I don't just see it
I feel it
A pony of energy
Hot mess mane
Cotten candy stain
Little miss evil
Oh wait that's me
Alter ego
My Pinkie Pie
See something deeper
Down inside
We see you
always there
searching
waiting
lurking
To jump out
Not hide

© sd greene  10/7/17

Asked, questioned
can I love
My Amber

When, what
point I realized
I wanted

How, whence
genetic girl
so accepting be

Who, why
how could I not?
Open-minded

Judge, absolve
Don't cast stones
Everyone lives in glass houses.

© sd greene  7/6/17