I am insignificant.
I am unlovable.
I am the abomination that travels time
     in my mind,
never finding peace of this life.
Reality overwhelms and depletes me
for I am undeserving.
I am nothing.

I am the echo of a mother who had no
     affection,
the image of a grandmother sick and
     divinely twisted,
the mimic of my father and all of his
     masculinity
channeled into the pound of a fist.
I am the heart of this home- empty,
my void filled with self loathing.
Pain.
Suffering.

How do I accept this daily?
How do I find the motivation to use
     my tongue,
to speak out?
How do I climb above what is done to
     me?
I don't.

Happiness was never meant for me.
Love was never to be a piece of my
     future.
I am this,
the ghost that fades through life, touching no one,
hearing everything,
feeling it all.
And I weep.

I weep for what I never had,
but always imagined to be in my
     grasp.
I weep for the loss that is my life.
The suffering.
The abuse.
The constant, dismal dismission.
For that is all I’m worthy of,
this is all I was meant to be.
Nothing.

I am the ghost.

Nerves are running wild,
my breath is slightly hitched.
Anxiety's creeping up on me,
I can barely think.

Afraid of disappointment.
Afraid to disappoint.
One step before the other,
prepared for someone new.

He charms me with a smile,
then extends a hand.
My palms are getting clammy,
and my pulse is racing too.

The breeze flows in from the door,
the sun is shining bright.
Currawong's singing in the trees,
With the aroma of bitter coffee.

We breeze through introductions,
sit and chat for a while.
There I thought it was going well,
until he developed a temper.

With no good reason he seemed to snap,
started causing a scene.
Sinked so low into my chair,
of course this happened to me.

Some time passed, he calmed himself,
but i think i'd made my decision.
got to the end and he turned to me,
"We should do this again".

"I don't think this is going to work",
I said sorry then took my leave.

No stopping, no crawling
I am blinding bolts of light
And hot flashes of passion
Fury thrown into the winds
Beating the earth,
And rupturing the sky
I am an empyrean tempest
Always building into the next storm

I notice everything,
All of them.
All of the details of you,
I love every single one of them.
I really want you.

I want to love all of you.
Your smile, your tears, your laughter,
Your flaws, your scars, your tempers;
And I still want you.

“When you share hidden parts of yourself
with someone else,” one said,
“You’re trusting that person to hold the
secret sections of your heart,
and to love the bits you thought
were unlovable.”

The slipping plates of the planet
Grind ceaselessly against each other
In terse and violent tension.  
Neighbour against neighbour,
Conflicting caress of rock against rock
Until one gives.  

                            The tension explodes.
Little Boy ten thousand fold
Wrecks vast destruction across
Land, sea, village and city
With indifference
For whoever
Whatever
Wherever.

What feeling, what emotion,
Crashes through the landscape,
Dashing communities, families,
Mother and child, father and friends,
School children, colleagues,
Shopkeepers and trades?
Picked up and tossed over and under
By wave after wave, dragging crushing debris.
A black lascivious tongue
Unfurling its fury, lashing
The skin of humanity
From the face of the Earth.

*(And what do I care of the destruction?
Of all the pain it leaves behind?
Of the ever-rising body count
Upon a never-ceasing tide.

I am on my way, surfing
The fury, feeling all powerful
And magnificent, but all the time
Controlled and ruined).

A balanced boy he was,
the equal of all neutrality,
yet she was enough to make him wild.