what? she shouts
what do they want?
how many, she counts
how many more commands

bounded by shackles
but, she tries to calm down
wondering in vain
when will she get out.

happy is what she needs to be
and thinking isn;t helping in anyway
putting up a bold smile
she walks and talks
but inside all she does is shout, shout and shout.

there are roses,
tulips, daisies,
and carnations forming
a garden between my ribs,
centrically swirling and
bending to take up every space.

and it looks beautiful but
within i cannot breath due
to the suffocation and sweet
poison of the memories
each flower you gave me
bears.

(I wrote this almost a year ago, and I just found it.)

You tell me
that you love me.
I’m not sure
as to whether I should say,
"I love you too,"
or “I know.”
Because I spent my whole childhood
believing in second chances
but I’ve also spent my life
believing that I never deserved them.
That praise was something
to which I would never be entitled.
That other peoples’
time
effort
company
were things I would never
be truly worthy of,
and even calories
were a foreign substance
that I would never deserve.
I have mastered the art
of filling myself
with relics of isolation
and the hopes that nobody
will get too close,
for I will surely drown them.
Suffocate them.
I can not let myself think
that you might actually care about me,
I can not let myself believe
that I am worth what you say I am,
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that you got
stuck with me,
and that you allowed yourself
to feel something more for me
than I ever could for myself,
I’m sorry that I dream of you now
and that your name is always
in my thoughts and on my lips,
it is addictive in its toxicity.
For I fear that if I go too long
without saying it,
that it will disappear.
But at the same time
I feel as thought I say it
too often,
but I guess the phrase
"too often"
needs perspective.
I can not let myself believe
that this does not come
with a punchline,
that you do not come with
an ulterior motive,
that the beat my heart skips
and the catch in my breath
are not the product of a joke.
Because my thoughts are screaming
inside of my mind louder than my voice
could ever tell you that I love you too,
and the shrieking and shuddering sobs
that escape my lips
as blood trails like springwater
down my arms
are so quiet, I am amazed the world
cannot hear.
I am amazed that my virtually nonexistent voice
does not ring in the ears
of anybody who stops to listen
but simultaneously,
I am glad.
Glad that nobody can take
the solidity of mental illness in love
away from me.

when you smile
when you laugh
volcanic eruptions of joy and happiness flow over me like molten lava.
eventually the joy cools and hardens to my body.
I find myself trapped
trapped in your happiness.
It seems odd
the comparison
of
happiness
and
trapped.
layer after layer flows over me
completely suffocating me
unable to move
caught
in the clutches of the great antithesis of happiness and suffocation

The air,
The pressure.
It suffocates me.

It's undesirable,
As my desperation is at the core.
I long to be by his side.
Forevermore.

Scrambling to the top,
Climbing the mountain of decision.
I chose him.
He is mine.
Now and Forever.

My eyes deceive me,
When I see his shadow pass by.
He is states away.
Yet I feel him near.

My love is growing stronger,
The craving is beginning to grow.
Growing everyday,
Stronger than before.

I believe in my heart,
Though is has deceived me,
Countless times.

He will come,
As I await for the knock.
Upon the timely door.

The pressure is consuming me,
My heart is changing me.
Transforming the beast inside.

Forgive me,
My love for you are dear to me.
You have given me this gift,
I take it kindly.

One promise,
Even if this world destroys me.
If I am a lamb,
Led to the slaughter.

I will always love you,
I will always protect you.
My wounds mean nothing,
When I know our bond is strong.

The beast will be subdued...

your smile
made
my lungs
fill with
flowers
and although
they are
beautiful
I can't
seem to
*******
breathe.

You make me feel the plasticity in my blood
It resonates through my words
It resonates in your world
It resonates in your fake convenience
And if I could, I would run away
From myself, farther away that I've ever been
Farther than your touch
Farther than your "I love you very much."