They've always been here — the signs—
in your every smile, your sighs,
in the long, gentle touches,
on your cheeks rosed with blushes.

What a fool I've been, didn't see,
didn't save you from ruin, from me.
I have failed you. I'm at fault —
you're in anguish; you hurt.

Stay away! I'm unworthy
of your kindness and mercy.
There is something I'm scared of —
I'm too hollow to bear love.

They've always been here — the signs—
in the way the whole world shines.

Oh darling,
How truly pleasing you are
Your gaze shifts to mine unknowing
If only you knew the power you're holding
Oh how I adore those helpless eyes
It's truly a shame they do no real looking
Clip, clop you walk steadily off
No! Don't go!
Oh darling,
Don't you understand I adore you.
Or have I not made it clear?
Well allow me to demonstrate my dear
How hopelessly, helpless i've become
Please won't you let me have you
Oh for heaven's sake!
You can not just ignore me,
Love me I beg you
Oh darling,
It appears you truly are blind
Or is it just that I've stolen your eyes?
You would not return my gaze
So I forced it
What a horrible mistake I've made
But no remorse do I have for it
Smick! Smack! You try to crawl away
No! You mustn't go!
Oh darling,
I've captured you once more
Not just in my gaze, of that I am sure
It appears my ropes are too tight.
You are turning blue like the brightest of skies.
Let me tell you the sweetest of lies.
Slithering, slipping, sliding through my grasp,
Your breath is drawing fewer.
Oh darling,
What have I done?
You were my one true love,
Why did you have to fade to grey?
Should I have just admired you and stayed away?
How I miss those helpless, sightless eyes
I am the monster who destroyed you
Oh darling,
I wish I had never known you.

I scream inside a body

That feels it is not mine.

I scream in soul.

I scream in mind.

I beg and weep for suffering to end.

For clarity to strike me.

I feel I am on a strange planet I do not yet recognize,

in a foreign land,

in a struggling body.

End it.

Please, if you must,

End it ALL.

there is no future, and there is no escape
it’s now or never
i’ve never had this hollowness in my gut
where i realise there is no way out

i am trapped in this body but also forever
does that mean i’m trapped with this mind
i can’t go on like this anymore

it could happen at any moment
whether i go through the consequences then

i need to end this suffering
my head is so full i don’t know what i’m expected to do anymore
i just feel like an empty lifeless corpse

all i can do is float around and pretend to be a part of something when actually i'm not

i’ve lost the place i felt safe to somewhere i can’t see and don’t know if it’s true
i don’t understand it

but what’s the point anymore
if i’m going to end and all my friends are going to end
why not end now instead of suffering through day to day

i’m useless
worthless

i wish it was easier to let go
but i know it’s not easy
especially when no one can hear me

because i can only scream in silence

9/23/21

Polarities
Possessing the mind
Stealing possibilities
If I am This
Then there is bound to be That

A perfectionist
Will find their enemy
In one who makes mountains
Out of molehills
And therefore renders themselves
Incapable

A person bound to their suffering
Suffers further
When they see others in their joy

A dislike of one thing
Pulls toward it one
Who likes that same thing
Ātman
Feeds on opposition

To free oneself
Starts from within
Diving into the divine
That which is limitless

Freedom is here
Connection
Is always an option
So long as one recognizes
Their own mortal, mental positions
And instead lends their mind
To curiosity

Here,
Love triumphs
And we all ascend.

Here I am again
Cracked and broken
Heart ripped open
By the claws on the ends of my fingers
They are never coated in blood
A tidy sort of chaos
A mess-less, gutless dissection
Hollow space resides within
Emptied of everything
Shall we count the scars
Or will that bore you
To hear of the surgeries that came before
The operations and treatments
Self directed and self prescribed
By a med school dropout
Disgusting derelict defect
Split neatly into near halves
Tethered by a final pathetic stitch
That I am longing to rip
Free