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ilias Feb 20
it is spring and I hum to turquoise beginnings
Armageddon is not today, I remind myself,
to be born and reborn; I am formed like clay
I am the sound of people winning,
Las Vegas and its men in grey,
I am the infinite seeds of tulips,
and the sunlit tides on a golden day

it is spring and I do not belong in warmer spheres
the devil holds me tight, I remind myself,
I am not yet gone, I still walk by his side
I am the only remain of my shepherd‘s geese,
I am tied to this hell and all its pride,
and I am the hell, and I am the pride

I am lost in my body and in all it contains,
I hum and I cry, am in pain or feel high,
I am the moths in my closet,
and the clothes, and the clay,
I am the seeds and the tide,
and the only lost goose here in May

right now my hands hold me tight,
so I remind myself:

it is summer, and you have decided to stay;
my psychiatrist says it‘s bpd but who knows lol, I may just be a lost child in a lost world.
  Jan 2 ilias
Ciel Noir
I am not ashamed
to still be alive

I asked myself the question
and I chose to be

I held on
I was strong
and I survived

every new year
every sunrise
every single time I open my eyes

is another victory
ilias Dec 2023
I waited for you. for you!
now dust has put me to bed
and kissed me ten goodbyes,
dead cells surround the dead,
they sang me lullabies.
It almost feels like home,
yes I’m the queen now in the hive-
were I not homeless,
waiting for you, for you! my life.
ilias Nov 2023
it is the red in the sky
that hurts the most.
how can such beautiful art
feel so ******* wrong?
it’s the reminder of
cut open arteries, red roses of past lovers,
of my broken heart.
this shade of red doesn‘t belong.
ilias Nov 2023
the snow started falling faster when you left
and the gravel beneath my shoes now remains quiet
it was the worst kind of theft
and even though it has been many winters
of ugly cries and silent fights
the earth still mourns the loss of you, see,
the wind still sings sad songs in this cleft
that you created
day after day I must withstand the desire to let myself fall, like snow, from far above,
until I hit the ground, until I find you,
my love
ilias Nov 2023
you were a child,
so foolish and small,
throwing tantrums in silence
you've always been too much

and after eighteen winters you now age backwards,
with every birthday,
with every smell,
every fight
and every touch.
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