i feel so sick..

i also feel like
im going completely insane,
thinking things that probably
aren't real.

i feel left out from my friends
like they all hate me or something?

i feel under pressure at school,
like work just keeps stacking up
and it stresses me
more and more.

i can't sleep at night anymore.
so i sleep in and get nothing done --
the work piles up,
and i haven't seen my friends
in five days..

i don't know what to do with myself.

i cry over nothing
over the littlest things,
any miniature mistake
that i make
creates this big dent
in my world.

i feel so insane,
so sick,
so tired,
like everyone is watching
but also not watching.

Cupid - Where are you?
Did you vanish in the blue?
Did you forget your bow?
Cause my heart is too low.

The sleepless nights
The empty sights
All Those come
But the leave me dumb.

Why is that I fall in love,
But they do not,
Why do your arrows curve
When my love has made knot.

Is it that all hate me,
Or just try to break me,
For all I can see
Is nothing in this endless sea

Find me at least one
Someone as bright as the sun,
Someone that would understand
The weight in my hand

I fall back to zero
when I try to be your hero
A wasteful approach
Falling back on my watch.

I tried my best,
Till the end of the crest,
Yet the progress,
Was nothing to raise.

Talking to you all night
Once restored my pride.
Now I am holding myself tight,
As now I am nothing but a stringless kite

Now I am the fallen knight
yet I knew I was right
The sleepless glare
Show that I still care

Slowing down is my only choice,
As all feels nothing but noise.
I just need one chance,
Or at least a glance
So I ask you to come back
Cause I see all black

How do I stop loving?
How can I stop caring?
I love you too much ---
More than you could ever touch.

I am a wounded soldier,
Wounded with your love.
But I don’t have anyone’s shoulder ---
Is this what love does?

The thought of you makes me cry,
And I weep till my eyes are dry,
Now I seek your refuge,
And defeat I refuse.

All my friends tell me to stop
They say my love must drop
But here I stand,
With obsession I can’t withstand.

Why is god testing me,
Now all is wasting me,
I shouldn’t have seen your face,
Because nothing went at my pace.

For you I was always there,
And I know once you used to care,
But what went wrong along the way?
Now all I do is wait for you at the bay,

The bay for hope,
The bay I used to cope.
Cause now I know for sure,
My love for you is nothing but pure.

May thou himself answer this ---
What is that I can do to achieve your kiss?
I waited for you all night,
Helped you when the sky went black from white.

It’s okay If I don’t find your love,
Despite how deep I have dove,
I need you to answer these questions:
Is it me you ever wanted, or was it always you?

What is wrong in what I painted?
I said yes to everything you asked,
While this is what you masked,
A hate that forever will last.

Was this all to use me?
This is my final plea.
I did all that for our love,
Those sleepless nights for you to come.

Now it seems to me
you wanted me for your personal greed,
For when you were in need,
But now left me stranded,
After I gave you everything you demanded.

Is there any way for me to get you now.
Any dirt left to plow?
Let me do that too now,
What is that I have anyhow.

How do I stop loving?
How can I stop caring?
I love you too much ---
More than you could ever touch.

broken sleep,
discontinued dreams,
tossing and turning
at four in the morning.

i barely sleep anymore.

its too hot under these covers,
im too cold now,
i need to be held,
im gonna die in my sleep.

i cant turn my brain off.

i get broken sleep,
i get those discontinued
unfinished --
extremely real feeling dreams,
i toss and turn all night long
still uncomfortable after each turn.

i cant stop
and take a break.

at home
head in my cell phone
staring at words
on a white background,
scrolling endlessly.

scroll.
          scroll.
                     scroll.

"just one more --
then ill sleep."
what lies!

i keep staring at
these words
that keep appearing..
love
       people
                  quiet
loud
        soul
                ­ left
time
        silence
                     felt
hurt
        ­ regret
                     sapphire
seldom

poem after poem.
i can't stop reading.
i can't stop writing either.

"just one more!
for real this time!
ill go to bed i swear"

12:11am
          12:13am
                    12:34am
   ­                           12:59am
                              ­          01:10am
                                               ­   02:33am

"ill go to sleep now.
i swear. just one more."

and it's dawn
all of a sudden --
the sun starts to rise.

and it's morning.
a new day,
but im still awake.
staring at the words on my cell phone.
reading one
after the other,
then the next.

I toss, I turn.
My blankets—too warm,
then too cold,
like storms across my skin.
My thoughts go.

Never silence—
just a pain burning behind my eyes,
a mind wired
to a clock not built
for this reality.

I get up and circle my room,
Sit down, play a tune,
Write my ghosts onto paper,
Reshape my pillow.

A breeze,
a hum,
a passing car—
all rise like ghosts,
but none loud enough
to drown the ones in my head.

“Please be quiet,”
I whisper to my mind.
But instead,
it grins and says:

“Remember what you did 10 years ago?”
“Wasn’t that moment strange? Embarrassing? Wrong?”

I give no reaction.
I’ve learned:
engagement feeds them.
So I lie there,
Handing off insane,
hoping the ceiling swallows me whole
And take away my pain.

I cannot shut off—
not until I’m lowered, into a silence
Surrounded by the mournful,
deep enough to dull the thoughts,
until I’m sealed away
and my mind finally softens.