Hardened exterior ever so slightly
More of a facade, a mask.
Sheltered tenderness
Seldomly shines through.
But ask me?
It most certainly is not true.
This feeling, so unnatural
And surprisingly poignant too.
It seeds a knot in my throat.
Powerless.
Weakness.
I will not let them collaborate with me
For I cringe, as this cannot be.
I know,
I should not be this way,
But for now,
I am going to stay.
I do not have the courage
You see,
To face and claim this thing
Called vulnerability.
But one day
Just maybe...
My arms will be open free.

Shout at me and I'll cry,
But soon this pain will die
Call me a disappointment and I wouldn't mind,
Add another regret to my life; I'll be thankful to you for being so kind
Spill out all your anger as I'm here,
These harsh words and this sharp tone, I can bear
Let me suffer from this disgrace alone
And let me question myself why I was even born?
As I sit in the dark to meet these thoughts
We share the misery that we both have brought

Breathe in they say
Be in your body they say
Breathe out they say
Become the beholder they say

I do all these
I notice some tingling in cells
I feel I am in the moment
I feel the body in the present

To be inspired
To be present
To feel with the wind
To feel with all that is around


New insights I never had before
New cracks in the walls opening
Had I never been in the  moment
I would have been morose

the catholic nurse
all sensitive
caring noticing
everything
what can she think
of my hot/cold torment

always near blowing it
living in the fast lane
so friendly kind
the girls
dewy eyed
wanda abandoned me
bolton is in my hands

and yet my coldness
hurts
the more emotional
they stay
trying to find a reason
for my ice-like suspicion
fish eyes
coldly indifferent eyes
suspect everything that moves

socialising just to be loud
compensate for cold
lack of essential trust
warmth
i love them
despite myself
my desire to love
is unconscious and gigantesque

i never know
when i'm going to miss someone
strange coldness perplexing
i've got to work to get devotion
but once i get it
i really get people on my side
there are my people
who can survive
my shark-like coldness
and there are those
who want something
more personal
i can be very devoted to those
who can stay the course

my soul is aching
for an impartial love of people
i'm at war with myself.

everyone has a story.
some, beautifully written.
others with torn pages and blotched ink.
you read, absorb, comprehend.
you learn
the fears and hopes and well hidden pain
the mountain of anger and regrets
the beautiful smiles masking lonely hearts.
after awhile you realise
that empathy,
in its cold uncomfortableness,
hurts if you give too much.
still you grow,
strong enough to love the world
yet empty enough to dine with its demons.

You think you know how to set my heart alight.
Darling I can't help that I'm made of paper.
Any little thing can make me tear or burn.
I feel it all. Nothing is small.

Don't touch me,
I'll break.
I'm made of glass,
You see.
But, that's right;
you already knew that about me.
It's why you tiptoe
whenever we meet,
and turn down music
with a piercing beat.
You remember that I'm fragile—
to be handled with care.
Don't dance near me.
Don't you dare.
You know what would happen—
you know that it's true—
I'd shatter, I'd break,
and I might cut you.