Funny when your own head is a double edged blade, huh?

I seem to find the imperfection of days to be the most beautiful. The goofy moments, the little mistakes, the figuring things out, the unexpected.

But those same moments sometimes lead me to the nights where I lay down with a little chip on my heart and concede, "Not all days will be beautiful."

I'm happier. I'm stabler. I must concede things are better.

So why can I not concede that I will never be perfect?

These days I end like this sometimes hurt much more than the ones I give up on. These are the days I did all I could and just accept defeat at the end of the day, knowing every day isn't perfect.

Why am I such a starving perfectionist that even stability cannot sate me?

I hate myself when I do this. When I keep on pushing and pushing my own mental ability until I crack. If I push harder the stability of my mental wall will not strengthen. It will only crumble all the faster.

I am never satisfied. I am selfish. I am wrong. There's this darker side to this pure, bubbly girl I show the world. The monster side. The side that I can never be pleased with, and the side that makes sure I can never be pleased with anything else.

I know this is one imperfect day with one imperfect night. But its hard not to be scared that this is a descent into darkness once more. I'm so scared of the dark by now. Please don't make me go back for too long.

This day has been long and disappointing and imperfect. But I just wish I could hate it a little less.

yes, i hate you
i hate the way you
make me write poems
about the way your smile
curves up nicely
on the sides of your lips
i hate the way my pointless verses
describe the way your laugh
is my blissful melody
i hate how you keep me up at night
replaying memories of how
at one point
i was the center of your attention
i hate how you make me jealous
how you force me to see you happy
and it's not because of me
i hate how i'm selfish, in need,
close to insanity
i hate you
oh yes, i hate you

I ask you to never break my heart.
I ask you to never harm yourself.
I ask you to be careful and cautious.
I ask you to be wise about the people you choose to associate with.
I ask you not to destroy yourself.


*How selfish of me..

No I am not weak just because i told you I can't try
No I am not scared just because it seems like I want to ruin it before it even started
No I am not an idealistic just because it seems I wanted the right guy and you're not

Yes I am demanding because I know what I deserve
Yes I expect a lot from you because I gave you a **** chance to prove yourself
Yes I am straight forward when my feelings is involved

I know my worth
I dont want to settle for less
I want to try, but with so many doubts it's a no no

But please

I want you to be the person to erase all these thougths
I want you, your assurance and honesty.
I want you to be the person i deserve
I want you to do better

I’ve got the blade in my mouth
the blood is dripping down
the pain I feel makes me feel alive
But the memories begin to come back
I realize im so lost
will I ever be found?
How selfish can I be?
poor me poor me

Is what i have not enough
what more do I need
I have a family and I am fed
but yet my wrist are decorated with red
the blood drips and I smile
the emotional pain fades
the physical pain settles in
poor me poor me

Reality is drowned out
I fall into the dark void
My eyes are closed and I see nothing
There is nothing anymore
The world doesn't exist
I don’t exist
nobody does
poor me poor me

I lose myself
I forget everyone else
I'm not a child but I'm not an adult
I'm just me
Maybe i will disappear
I'm forgotten and now i am cursed
Nobody is answering my tear less cries
Poor me poor me

I fall down and don't get up
I watch others and don't care
I think about me
I worry about me
Its only me me me
My world is composed of only “me”
Nobody else exists
Poor me poor me

But then I found him
Then i found her
Then i found others and it wasn't just me
It was us
It is no longer I, but we
We suffer no more
Because it is we
Poor me until we

I watch you suffer
I watch you cry
I understand that it was just you
Now it is you and I
The pain is so real
But now it is we
It is we and no longer me
It is we not me

It is we against the world
We will survive
You and me
Its time to cross the finish line
We will live it out to the end
Now its not just me
It is more than me

Then you left
It was me
Just me
I'm lost now and can't be found
I thought it was we but it is just me
I will never know we
Poor me Poor me

I am now drowning
The time stops
I drink my world away
Life is now so fuzzy
I fall and stumble
I don't want to pick myself up
Poor me Poor me

I look in the mirror and see just me
It's just me
No we just me
The blade reached my neck
I picture the world with no me
The darkness takes over
There is no more me

Self centered woman
you're so wrong about
so many things I can't
even begin to reach
for half of my dreams
because of your words
that lead me to believe
I've failed you- maybe
I'm not what you were
wanting so badly..
but telling me lies and
staying away from him
will not change the way
that I feel about you-
disappointed.

A road without road signs and faded paint, with ways that lead to every wrong direction. And we drove on that deep black ice throughout the night.
A dance that was no fun, and left a feeling of dissatisfaction, filled of bitter patterns. And god, it left us dying for water.
A recorder, with eyes that were too close together, and a mouth that would only open for a kiss.
The tape I played choked you up, and you died alongside me.
I had become what I never wanted to be.

Awaiting the day,
I will be comfortably able to explain myself,
To show my weaknesses,
Without being accused of only making complaints,
Ruining days, moods, moments,
A time,
A person,
Where when I say how I am feeling,
They'll ask why?
They'll care and tell me to explain,
With you.
It will NEVER be this way.
I am tired of waiting.
I gave up hope on you.
On us.